ok so i know i have bitched about this same problem like a million times but i just need to get something more off my chest. so this guy, who i work with (well use to he quit this week, and i might never see him again, but we do have a lot of friends in common so its probably not the case) who stopped hooking up with me about 3 months ago because i said i want to see if there could be something more between us and he didn't want a "strict" relationship (whatever the hell that means).
sure i mean at the time i thought things were great between us, maybe we could develop a relationship, maybe he could be my boyfriend but honestly i didn't think that way when things started out between us. actually i only started to feel like that after he started saying stuff like "i love you," "you're beautiful, you are always beautiful to me," "we should start spending time together outside of hooking up." when i heard stuff like that my first thought was wow he probably likes me far more than i like him, i'm going to end up hurting him. but the more i thought about it thought that i didn't want to lose him, that he was too wonderful for me to let this opportunity pass by. also i started to feel a bit slutty, like i was a whore because i was fooling around with someone i wasn't in a committed relationship with. so i decided that i should stay open to the idea of a relationship, that in fact maybe i should ask him if he thought we should like take this thing to the next level. well as i said that left me with nothing. he ended things because he didn't want to hurt me. but i didn't present things as a ultimatum, i wanted to know where i stood, i still wanted to continue things as they were, even if he never wanted to date me. we decided to be friends but one of the few times we hung out i got drunk and told him how much i missed him. and things had been awkward between us since.
until recently, we started to talk a bit and things were less awkward. in fact we hung out on saturday. the night started off fine, we actually left our friends early and he walked me back to my apartment. on the walk back we talked a bit about how things use to be, he said he missed "lots of things." i ask him if he had tried seeing any other girls, (we are both 21 and virgins, i guess i should add that, in fact what has happened between us has been the first sexual/romantic encounter either of us have ever had, i was actually his first kiss). he said no. i went to hold his hand and he didn't pull away. i leaned on him as we kept walking, i told him how i wished we had had sex, how i want to lose my virginity to him. when we got to my building i tried to kiss him and he kissed me back. he said he would help me upstairs. he hadn't seen the new apartment before so i showed him around a bit then led him to my room. i threw him on the bed and we started to make out. as i tried to take things further he would occassionally pause and said "i don't know if we should do this, i don't want to hurt you again," but then would go right back to what we were doing. he left kind of a hurry, so things didn't go that far. he might have been afraid of my roommate catching him there. but i kept kissing him as he tired to leave and asked if this would be the last time that this would happen, i asked him to promise that it wouldn't be, that honestly all i want from him this time is just to fool around and have sex, that i was just confused before. he said it wouldn't be the last time. i asked if he was just lying to spare my feelings and so he could leave but he said he hadn't lied to my before, why would he now.
i saw him briefly the next day and things were fine, we joked around a bit like we use to, but neither one of us said a thing about what happen.
i thought about it and i decided i wasn't going to ruin things this time by coming on too strong. so i have had no contact with him except for yesterday. i was with my roommate and she wanted to go into the place that he works (i had no choice but to go in, because i was in her car at the time). she walked up to him started chatting i tried to say hello, but he basically ignored me and just talked to my roommate. he only said "goodbye jenn, i'll see ya," when i left. it seemed a little awkward and i was starting to question what i should do. i had thought about waiting til tonight to call him before i had seen him yesterday, i was going to ask him to hang out, but because of the awkwardness i didn't know what to do. i worried that by me showing up there he would think i was trying to be clingy.
so i decide to have some balls and at least text him asking if he was doing anything tonight. so he responded to the texts i had sent right before it, like immediately, but once i ask him if he was doing anything tonight, i didn't get a response back until almost a half hour later. ii think it took so long because he was trying to come up with an excuse. when he finally responded, he said "actually i was just invited to this kids house to watch a fight." it sounded like a lie but i was too afraid to call him out on it. i just told him oh ok well have fun i guess. i'm pissed. i feel like i have been rejected twice. i guess there is a chance i am overreacting that he could be telling the truth, but part of me doubts it. i feel so stupid, like i'm giving him exactly what he wants this time, i want the same thing as he does, but still i am being rejected. i know i'm not really pretty or anything like that but we seemed to have fun when we were fooling around together, we both still seemed to be attracted to one another, at least we did on saturday.
i feel so stupid, and i just keep wondering what is wrong with me. i know i will see him on friday we are both going to the same party and i just wonder how it will be between us. will he talk to me at all? will he want to come home with me? i can't be rejected again. i hate myself for putting myself in this position. i obviously can't do anything to make anyone want me. i just want to be with him, i don't even want a stupid relationship, i just want to spend sometime with him.
sure i mean at the time i thought things were great between us, maybe we could develop a relationship, maybe he could be my boyfriend but honestly i didn't think that way when things started out between us. actually i only started to feel like that after he started saying stuff like "i love you," "you're beautiful, you are always beautiful to me," "we should start spending time together outside of hooking up." when i heard stuff like that my first thought was wow he probably likes me far more than i like him, i'm going to end up hurting him. but the more i thought about it thought that i didn't want to lose him, that he was too wonderful for me to let this opportunity pass by. also i started to feel a bit slutty, like i was a whore because i was fooling around with someone i wasn't in a committed relationship with. so i decided that i should stay open to the idea of a relationship, that in fact maybe i should ask him if he thought we should like take this thing to the next level. well as i said that left me with nothing. he ended things because he didn't want to hurt me. but i didn't present things as a ultimatum, i wanted to know where i stood, i still wanted to continue things as they were, even if he never wanted to date me. we decided to be friends but one of the few times we hung out i got drunk and told him how much i missed him. and things had been awkward between us since.
until recently, we started to talk a bit and things were less awkward. in fact we hung out on saturday. the night started off fine, we actually left our friends early and he walked me back to my apartment. on the walk back we talked a bit about how things use to be, he said he missed "lots of things." i ask him if he had tried seeing any other girls, (we are both 21 and virgins, i guess i should add that, in fact what has happened between us has been the first sexual/romantic encounter either of us have ever had, i was actually his first kiss). he said no. i went to hold his hand and he didn't pull away. i leaned on him as we kept walking, i told him how i wished we had had sex, how i want to lose my virginity to him. when we got to my building i tried to kiss him and he kissed me back. he said he would help me upstairs. he hadn't seen the new apartment before so i showed him around a bit then led him to my room. i threw him on the bed and we started to make out. as i tried to take things further he would occassionally pause and said "i don't know if we should do this, i don't want to hurt you again," but then would go right back to what we were doing. he left kind of a hurry, so things didn't go that far. he might have been afraid of my roommate catching him there. but i kept kissing him as he tired to leave and asked if this would be the last time that this would happen, i asked him to promise that it wouldn't be, that honestly all i want from him this time is just to fool around and have sex, that i was just confused before. he said it wouldn't be the last time. i asked if he was just lying to spare my feelings and so he could leave but he said he hadn't lied to my before, why would he now.
i saw him briefly the next day and things were fine, we joked around a bit like we use to, but neither one of us said a thing about what happen.
i thought about it and i decided i wasn't going to ruin things this time by coming on too strong. so i have had no contact with him except for yesterday. i was with my roommate and she wanted to go into the place that he works (i had no choice but to go in, because i was in her car at the time). she walked up to him started chatting i tried to say hello, but he basically ignored me and just talked to my roommate. he only said "goodbye jenn, i'll see ya," when i left. it seemed a little awkward and i was starting to question what i should do. i had thought about waiting til tonight to call him before i had seen him yesterday, i was going to ask him to hang out, but because of the awkwardness i didn't know what to do. i worried that by me showing up there he would think i was trying to be clingy.
so i decide to have some balls and at least text him asking if he was doing anything tonight. so he responded to the texts i had sent right before it, like immediately, but once i ask him if he was doing anything tonight, i didn't get a response back until almost a half hour later. ii think it took so long because he was trying to come up with an excuse. when he finally responded, he said "actually i was just invited to this kids house to watch a fight." it sounded like a lie but i was too afraid to call him out on it. i just told him oh ok well have fun i guess. i'm pissed. i feel like i have been rejected twice. i guess there is a chance i am overreacting that he could be telling the truth, but part of me doubts it. i feel so stupid, like i'm giving him exactly what he wants this time, i want the same thing as he does, but still i am being rejected. i know i'm not really pretty or anything like that but we seemed to have fun when we were fooling around together, we both still seemed to be attracted to one another, at least we did on saturday.
i feel so stupid, and i just keep wondering what is wrong with me. i know i will see him on friday we are both going to the same party and i just wonder how it will be between us. will he talk to me at all? will he want to come home with me? i can't be rejected again. i hate myself for putting myself in this position. i obviously can't do anything to make anyone want me. i just want to be with him, i don't even want a stupid relationship, i just want to spend sometime with him.