I Hate This so much

[randomhero1984]

This is a long story but basically...

My ex wife was turned against me for money from her family for no reason other than I stood up for her against her parents one time when it got out of hand.

This is super complex, but getting to the real problem.

It's been almost 10 years, she's remarried and I still miss her achingly every day. Every morning, Every night, I hate it. I don't understand how this is right, we had an amazing life together and ever since this one day she's gone from the most amazing person I ever laid my eyes on to hating me demonically (not literally, but very much just constantly throwing me under the bus and treating me with absolutely no respect in terms of our kid)

If she's truly happier, I'm actually happy, I love her so much that I would rather her be happy then miserable to save a family but I know she can't be, her quality of life is reduced by at least 75% with this guy, he calls her names to me behind her back and is a total uneducated, unemployable piece of family wrecking dir, I digress though.

I've always been non-volatile and have paid all support, been supportive, helped when I can do extra etc.

I should hate her, I shouldn't be still feeling the same way about her as when I asked her to marry me.

I hate that there's still posts on her facebook from out entire relationship including pictures of her baby bump through to all the loving comments posted daily right up to the moment she vanished, abandoned me and returned just hating me and with another man whom she married a year later.

What the hell happened? I was with her 10 years before we split, I know her and know this isn't what she wanted. I know they fight all the time and I know she probably is so aggressive to me because perhaps she blames me for her family making her choose between me and them. I thought I was sticking up for her after years of them kind of abusing her financially when they were already well off.

Regardless.......

I love my ex-wife the same today as 11 years ago, I miss her always, when she does ever smile it makes me feel happy even if its love..

Because we have a kid we talk all the time, I always wish her happy birthday, merry christmas,make sure our son does a card for mothers day etc but she doesn't do the same. She doesn't even have my son calling me dad anymore in her house, he has to say my name and call her partner dad. My son would never do that around me and it obviously hurts him but I can't change it.

I just want to understand why 10 years of the person who was abandoned (me) being supportive and always kind and there for her is constantly honeysuckle on by her for no reason, on top of it all why the hell can't I stop missing her. I literally could cry as much now as then if I let it happen but I suffer in silence.

Its important to note while I do miss her this much I know that was a different time now, I accept it was an amazing experience and I'll always cherish it, I accept it can't ever be repaired

What I dont UNDERSTAND is the hate for me..... the lack of any caring about me at all after 1o years of spending all our time together happy, no fighting, so much love and sickening cheesyness. We had a beautiful home, she didn't want to work and was a stay at home mom and I was ok with that. Now shes the one working supporting dummy and my support obviously goes to his unemployment fund cause my kids never got as many clothes or toys as he has here.

How can I stop hurting about her?

She would not discuss this, I'll never know why or what happened, so that's not possible.

I just want to move on so bad... but it still hurts so much I feel it physically at times. I admit, she is the love of my life and I'll never be that happy again, that's just a fact.

Anyways, thanks for listening.

 

[Serephina]

Hi,I can't really offer any sound advice I guess,but I have been in a similar situation. I split up with my Son's Dad 9 years ago and it was really difficult at first because we had to see each other all the time. I moved 450 miles away to be close to family for support and as soon as I did he got in to another relationship with someone straight away and had two other children with his current partner. Sometimes people do move on quite quickly and then end up disliking the person that they were with before,it's like they have to justify it in their minds.

I think it's great if you are amicable and are able to talk for the sake of your Son but it can't help you move on if you speak to her all the time. I get that you have feelings for her but from what you have said,she is out of order for getting your Son to call the other man Dad and you by your name,regardless of whether they are married or not,you are still the biological Father and still from what you have said part of your Son's life.

You can't really interfere with the relationship that she has with this other man,she will learn in her own time. My only concern would them fighting in front of the child,because no matter how much people try and hide that kind of thing,children do pick up on it.
I think the only thing you can do is get on with your own life,no matter how difficult it may be and be the best Dad you possibly can be to your Son and from the sounds of it you are doing a good job and that's the most important thing.

 

[Pogo Poodle]

The most important thing to remember is that your kids have nothing to do the issues between you and your ex. You seem to get that. She obviously doesn't. It is totally unfair on her part to involve your kids in this and use them as a battering ram against you. She doesn't realize the harm she is doing to your kids by teaching them to disrespect you, and it could ultimately backfire on her as they grow and gain greater discernment of what's really happening. Children are human beings, not weapons. Hopefully she will wake up to what she's doing before it causes serious and lasting damage to her relationship with them.

You're doing the right thing by not playing her game. No matter what she does or how hurt you may feel, it's important to remember that she's still their mom. Always show her respect in front of them, and don't pull them into the mud as she seems so intent on doing. Even if they don't see it now, they will come to respect you for it later on. You have no control over your relationship with her, so focus instead on building a quality relationship with them. You have the opportunity to set the example of a good and loving parent. It's an example they will learn to follow when they are parents themselves someday.

 

[randomhero1984]

thanks for the kind messages everyone.. its meant a lot to not feel crazy

 

[Pogo Poodle]

thanks for the kind messages everyone.. its meant a lot to not feel crazy

No prob. I sent ya a PM. Hang in there!

 

[VanillaCreme]

I don't know what to say about all the dislike she seems to have for you, but I wouldn't be surprised the dislike comes from the fact that her life is different - and probably not what she really wants - now because she has to work and all...

But I can say that all this bitterness and disdain you have towards her new boyfriend is never going to help you. You're going to continue to hate on someone who probably doesn't care, and that only affects you. It'll drive you up the wall trying to figure out why this and why that. Life happens. honeysuckle happens. Many things are out of our control. Many things are beyond our comprehension. And having good years with someone doesn't mean that will weigh heavily on their future decision.

Take care of yourself, because at the end of the day, you're the only person who does. I'll never understand why people want to remain friends with ex's, but on the other end of the scale, I'll never understand why even more people are nasty and mean to their ex's. That's certainly not necessary.

 

[Pogo Poodle]

Sure sounds to me like she has a lot of anger, much of which probably has nothing to do with the OP or his actions. He just happens to be a convenient target.

The idea of teaching her son not to acknowledge his dad in her presence (i.e. calling him by his first name only) is especially disturbing, and it is obviously intended to hurt him on a personal level. Whether she realizes it or not, she is hurting their child by demanding that he disrespect his father, and that can come back to haunt her if she doesn't correct course at some point. Kids aren't stupid. The older they gets, the more they can see what's going on. There will come a day when the boy may resent his mom for using him as a pawn.

I have a now-grown stepdaughter from my wife's first marriage. Although I usually don't use the word "step" (she's my daughter as far as I'm concerned), I have never demanded that she call me Dad, but rather have left that choice up to her. Most of the time she calls me by my first name, and that's more than fine with me. Her dad has certainly had his issues and their relationship has changed as she has grown, but I acknowledge that he is still her father, and the dynamic of their relationship is between the two of them. It does not involve me, and I do not interfere.

Kids have enough trials and tribulations growing without being pulled into the complex personal issues of grown-ups. Someday this young man may ask his mom why she wouldn't let him call his dad Dad, and "because I was pissed off at him" ain't gonna cut it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I will be honest and say I didn't reach all the replies, so if I repeat something, I'm sorry.

I've been where you are. Still there, in a way. I know how it is to love someone and have them seemingly hate you. I know how it is when you make sure your kids do something for your ex for holidays and don't get the same in return. It's hard, but you learn to live with it. You learn to accept it.
But, I do want to bring up one point after observing my own situation. She might not actually hates you. I don't know the entire story behind the split, but maybe it's not exactly the way you think it is. Perhaps her family had something to do with it. Perhaps there were other circumstances that you aren't aware of, I don't know. She could choose to hate you because it's easier to move on than it would be if she didn't....if that makes sense. I have found that when my ex is going through honeysuckle or fighting with his new girlfriend that he's more of an ass than he is when things are fine. Personally, I think he does this because he doesn't want to remember that he does love me, that he actually wants me and not her. It's easier to blame me and hate me than accept that it's over.
I'm not saying this is what is going on in your situation, but it's something to think about.

Just live your life and keep doing what you're doing for you son and for her regarding your son and try not to overly focus on what is going on with her. As you said in other words, that chapter is over. That doesn't mean you have to stop loving her. Personally, if it's real love, you never will. But that doesn't mean you won't find someone else to spend the rest of your life with. So don't let her or what happened bring you down, keep doing what you feel is best and I'm sure things will get easier as time passes.