So after winter break, I will be going back to school with new roommates. I am actually living in an apartment this time around, and usually apartment are share by both male and female students, at least I hope so. I haven't receive my package in the mail yet so I'm not quite sure who my roommates are, but nevertheless they seem nice. I got one call from one of my new roommate welcoming me and stuff, thought that was pretty nice. I haven't call that person back cause I get very shy talking on the phone.
Nevertheless this is probably the closest it get for a turn around in my life. One thing I must do differently is not flop, in which I mean I must not fail. I got to put all my painful past behind, while taking risks at the same time since I am moving to a different environment which might help. I doubt this is by any mean easy, I could practice pretending at home at my charisma but all that mean jack if I can't execute it. I could visualize the perfect life all I want, but it never gonna happen if I can't even open my mouth, though surprising I used to be very talkative once upon a time.
I admit I am quite scare, I have not put myself to the limit or know the extend of my ability. I don't know where I stand when meeting girl, and I certainly have no clue if some girl is attracted to me, though back in my mind, I believe I miss out on some opportunities. Basically I don't know what I can do, and this whole social scene is still an experiment. I am trying best to understand myself, searching and trying to identify who I am, I have and am still at an identity crisis. I am finally free from the barbwire chain that has restricted me to the freedom of society set forth by my parents, but it is not set in stone. I have only be living independently for one year and it has already teach me so much, as well as utter disappointment and lot of anguish. I hope what failure bring is success, as you can only learn from your mistake.
I am going into this with fake confidence, and hope that I can actually do the walk, and not just the talk. I am like a baby born, I am almost 20 yet still stuck in a mind of a 13 year old because I never had a proper childhood. If anyone seen the movie "BIG" with Tom Hank, you would know what I mean. What so many adults my age learn as a child is what I am beginning to understand at this age. Everyone is years ahead of me, but in some way or another I must find a way to bounce back. There is no excuse, it just ashame my life had to end up this way. To be so far behind that I am still searching for who I am, and what I can accomplish, and what my true personality is, because let be honest here no one true personality is to be alone, that just not how life happen.
As an adult I realize a lot of thing, and wish I could go back and changes all of it, and what I did wrong, how I was so foolish and miss out on a couple of dates or asking some girl to go to a dance with me. Though for some weird reason, almost every single year, I have had girls approach me and ask if I wanted to hang out with them, but for some weird reason I shy away from them. Though looking back, as an adult I can see all these mistake I have made, but could I really have seen it as a child? The answer is no, and simply by the fact that if I did something wrong, I would usually get hit even for silly reason, and if I weren't going to college and having to live with my parents, I would still be in the same mindset prior to college.
Despite all of this, it just a real shame that I had to be away from my parents to figure it all out. I can only look toward the future as my childhood has completely fallen to ashes, and everyday that goes by is gonna put more pressure on myself to reverse the whole process of finding my true identity. Depression can kill you physically and emotionally as well, I already found out today I have 3 white hair and all the junk food I been eating has cause me to grow some acne that I never had before, not to mention my digestive track right now is bad because I just haven't bee eating right. Emotionally I feel to downright miserable and because of this I lack so many interested as well as having trouble waking out of bed, not to mention my eyes are getting bad because sometime I wonder how my eye show no emotion, like it was dead. People who see me usually ask me if I have any weed to share, all because I look "high" but it mainly due to depression and tears.
So I am just writing this as a chance thing might turn out pretty in the end, though I realize all of my other very few positive threads has become a forgone conclusion as it was never what I wanted nor expected, but here hoping for a better tomorrow!
Nevertheless this is probably the closest it get for a turn around in my life. One thing I must do differently is not flop, in which I mean I must not fail. I got to put all my painful past behind, while taking risks at the same time since I am moving to a different environment which might help. I doubt this is by any mean easy, I could practice pretending at home at my charisma but all that mean jack if I can't execute it. I could visualize the perfect life all I want, but it never gonna happen if I can't even open my mouth, though surprising I used to be very talkative once upon a time.
I admit I am quite scare, I have not put myself to the limit or know the extend of my ability. I don't know where I stand when meeting girl, and I certainly have no clue if some girl is attracted to me, though back in my mind, I believe I miss out on some opportunities. Basically I don't know what I can do, and this whole social scene is still an experiment. I am trying best to understand myself, searching and trying to identify who I am, I have and am still at an identity crisis. I am finally free from the barbwire chain that has restricted me to the freedom of society set forth by my parents, but it is not set in stone. I have only be living independently for one year and it has already teach me so much, as well as utter disappointment and lot of anguish. I hope what failure bring is success, as you can only learn from your mistake.
I am going into this with fake confidence, and hope that I can actually do the walk, and not just the talk. I am like a baby born, I am almost 20 yet still stuck in a mind of a 13 year old because I never had a proper childhood. If anyone seen the movie "BIG" with Tom Hank, you would know what I mean. What so many adults my age learn as a child is what I am beginning to understand at this age. Everyone is years ahead of me, but in some way or another I must find a way to bounce back. There is no excuse, it just ashame my life had to end up this way. To be so far behind that I am still searching for who I am, and what I can accomplish, and what my true personality is, because let be honest here no one true personality is to be alone, that just not how life happen.
As an adult I realize a lot of thing, and wish I could go back and changes all of it, and what I did wrong, how I was so foolish and miss out on a couple of dates or asking some girl to go to a dance with me. Though for some weird reason, almost every single year, I have had girls approach me and ask if I wanted to hang out with them, but for some weird reason I shy away from them. Though looking back, as an adult I can see all these mistake I have made, but could I really have seen it as a child? The answer is no, and simply by the fact that if I did something wrong, I would usually get hit even for silly reason, and if I weren't going to college and having to live with my parents, I would still be in the same mindset prior to college.
Despite all of this, it just a real shame that I had to be away from my parents to figure it all out. I can only look toward the future as my childhood has completely fallen to ashes, and everyday that goes by is gonna put more pressure on myself to reverse the whole process of finding my true identity. Depression can kill you physically and emotionally as well, I already found out today I have 3 white hair and all the junk food I been eating has cause me to grow some acne that I never had before, not to mention my digestive track right now is bad because I just haven't bee eating right. Emotionally I feel to downright miserable and because of this I lack so many interested as well as having trouble waking out of bed, not to mention my eyes are getting bad because sometime I wonder how my eye show no emotion, like it was dead. People who see me usually ask me if I have any weed to share, all because I look "high" but it mainly due to depression and tears.
So I am just writing this as a chance thing might turn out pretty in the end, though I realize all of my other very few positive threads has become a forgone conclusion as it was never what I wanted nor expected, but here hoping for a better tomorrow!
