I just completely lost it.

[Nina]

eris--
She was taken by surprise, I don't think she's ever heard me raise my voice in the 7 years we've known each other. I've never been one to get loud with folks.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Sometimes people are just so caught up in their own misery, that they never give a thought to the person they're venting to, especially if that person doesn't "appear" to have problems that are as serious (for example, if the person hides their troubles well). Having "friends" means give and take. But, if the other person doesn't know you're having some major honeysuckle in your life, maybe they aren't being a "bad friend" but perhaps they just don't read others well. Sometimes, ignorance really IS bliss. I'm guilty of never speaking about my own honeysuckle, if someone is venting to me. I figure...why dump MY honeysuckle on them, when they're already having such a rough time. People who do this, myself included, perpetuate the cycle. Then, things just sort of blow up and we go off on whomever happens to call us to vent that particular day. Poor bastards, lol.

 

[Nina]

Eve--
It's just what happened, I finally hit, "critical mass" and she just happened to be the one that took the hit. I might need to put a warning message on my answering machine and voicemail now. It's odd how you can be one way for so many years and then seemingly become almost another person with a shift in your emotions....

 

[Jesse]

Hey good for you Nina!

I did have a similar thing happen except it went differently. My best friend from high school has been gone to college for some time and was in town visiting. Him and I were going for a drive and I thought I might open up to him about some things that happened to me as a kid. I've never told him anything before. I wanted to tell him things I've held in my entire life. I don't know how the conversation had turned that way, but I told him that a lot of things happened to me when I was growing up. He shut me down immediately... he said he didn't want to hear it.

I just said "okay" and that was the end of it. I thought he'd be there for me, but he wasn't.

As far as venting all the time and not helping others... I feel guilty about that. Other people have gone through worse things than me- I should be there for them, but you know we all need someone to be there for us at some point. Eve's right it is give and take. It can't be all give or all take.

 

[Nina]

Awwww, ((Jesse)) That was a horrible thing for him to have done to you. I am, just now, realizing how important it is to learn to vent life's pains and the issues we collect along the way. Sometimes trying to be too strong for others actually weakens US...

It's vitally important for a good many of us to try and make friends, from here on out, with folks who have a more fair-minded approach to the "give and take" aspects in friendship.

You sound like you have a perspective very much, like my own. That being----that everyone elses issues are more serious or more important than yours. They aren't. Everyone has unique problems and different levels of tolerance for them, but no ones problems are unimpotant and everyone should have someone they can confide in.

 

[Jesse]

Well I do have a couple people I can confide in. You're right, everyone should have someone they can talk to about anything.

 

[Nina]

Jesse, I'm glad to hear there are folks who you can confide in. It helps, a lot, to have someone you can just pour your heart out to and not worry about judgements or embarrassment from them telling someone else. That's where the internet can be so good. It lends that anonymous quality that allows one inhibitions to go away... We can say significantly more to a person when we don't have to worry about bumping into them at the corner store...

 

[Asterli]

I can understand the way you feel Nina but I would have handled it more diplomatically. You've known her for a long time but didn't you just ask her why doesn't listen to you anymore. You're a person too. Or, why didn't you say how much she likes hearing herself talk?

In my opinion, stay yourself and this site helps me too but stay focused on who you are in real life. I know the mask thread and you know how I reacted but do this thing face-to-face. Last time I got in a fight with my brother about the way how he acts. I won't say I feel better about it but took some distance from him. Now I have time to work some things out although we have our differences but we are adults. He has to handle his own problems and maybe that is what you had to say to your friend.

I wish you luck with this

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
You know, Nina, your friend probably treats everyone else in her life the same way too. I think we've all run into her type at one time or another. I've "broken up" with a few friends that I felt were just draining the life out of me. I didn't tell them that I wanted to end the friendship, I've just sort of wimpily not called or returned their calls. After awhile, they get the picture. A good friendship is a give and take - I have a friend that has been through some hardship in the past year or two and I've willingly listened to her problems. Things are going well for her now and I know that she's there to listen if I need it too.
Sounds like blowing up at your friend has given you some insight into yourself and your personality, if nothing else. Don't know if you're asking for advice on this but if it were me, I would end the friendship or maybe you both need a break from each other.

-Teresa

 

[Nina]

Asterli,
Thanks for the differing opinion and insights. I did say to her, early in the conversation, that I had issues myself and she disregarded it. Then during the blow-up, I did say she refused to consider me or even ask how I was doing. I agree that I could have done a far better job with the whole thing. I lost my cool in a big way. I will confront this face to face at some point, but I want to take some time to ponder where to go with this. We've been friends for quite some time, but now I have to ask myself if it's ever been a healthy and postive friendship for me. I'm sad to say I think it began as a onesided ordeal and ended the same way for the same reason.

Sofiasmami--
She does treat others in much the same way. She has a very forceful personality and that has always been fine with me. I like a lot of diversity in the folks I spend time with. You're right, this whole mess has definately made me aware of how I'm changeing and how that change is making me re-evaluate how I want others to treat me. I finally think that, "Welcome Mat" is becoming a bad fit for me.
I ALWAYS love advice! Never hesitate to advise away!
Why share with folks if you don't want to contemplate their feedback?
I am becoming more convinced that this friendship was maybe, NEVER a real friendship but simply a convienient sounding board, stop-over for this woman. I really think it's time for me to move beyond those types of relationships....Thanks for the advice!

 

[Asterli]

Asterli,
Thanks for the differing opinion and insights. I did say to her, early in the conversation, that I had issues myself and she disregarded it. Then during the blow-up, I did say she refused to consider me or even ask how I was doing. I agree that I could have done a far better job with the whole thing. I lost my cool in a big way. I will confront this face to face at some point, but I want to take some time to ponder where to go with this. We've been friends for quite some time, but now I have to ask myself if it's ever been a healthy and postive friendship for me. I'm sad to say I think it began as a onesided ordeal and ended the same way for the same reason.

Sofiasmami--
She does treat others in much the same way. She has a very forceful personality and that has always been fine with me. I like a lot of diversity in the folks I spend time with. You're right, this whole mess has definately made me aware of how I'm changeing and how that change is making me re-evaluate how I want others to treat me. I finally think that, "Welcome Mat" is becoming a bad fit for me.
I ALWAYS love advice! Never hesitate to advise away!
Why share with folks if you don't want to contemplate their feedback?
I am becoming more convinced that this friendship was maybe, NEVER a real friendship but simply a convienient sounding board, stop-over for this woman. I really think it's time for me to move beyond those types of relationships....Thanks for the advice!

Hi Nina,

I don't know about the relationship with your friend but I can understand the way you feel. I also lost friends along the way because they wanted to put their energy in, maybe, other friendships. A good friendship is to search each other out but it can't come from one side. I see your point of view more clearly now.

 

[Nina]

Asterli--
I am coming to see just how subtractive some folks can be. I think some of us are more naturally giving and get caught right in their crosshairs. It's taken me a long while but I'm finally catching on to this fact.