I just need to get it off my chest.

[blue_azure]

My life... well, I feel as though I have a heavy burden. I am just so tired from it all. I am the person whom people depend upon, they confide in me but I just cannot bring myself to confide in anyone.

Therefore, when I dated this guy after knowing him for a year, I really really thought he was the one. But after the first date he said I was too immature and really, I have no clue where have I gone wrong. He said it was the age gap of 7 years and though it seems like nothing for me, it must have not seemed so for him.

For that few moments I felt happy. I loved it when he held my hand and kissed me. It felt as though my wildest fantasies came true. Less than 12 hours later, he said we should just remain friends.

My emotions feel so used. It takes a lot for me to trust anyone in a romantic sense and when I do, I am stupidly committed and loyal even if I have never met the person before. Those few moments where I got to kiss and hug him was everything to me. It feels as though he robbed my happiness away.

I wish I could be more mature and just remain friends but I... just can't. So I have told him in an email that I don't want to have any future contact with him.

Really, I wish I could kill this hopeful feeling that I will be together with this person when I'm just dating him. I don't know what to react now. I am just emotionally tired of it all. The previous guy took me about 3 years to recover from and I have only seen him twice.

I wish I could stop crying now. My smiles are just too fake yet no one realises because I am a fantastic liar. Sometimes, I wish I could end it all and never exist in this world. So so tired. I know I am young but I feel so weary. Hope after hope to meet the one only for it to crash in your face.

What do you do when such things fail? I want to cry and sob out loud but I don't have much privacy. Anyway, I am just feeling emotionally drained. I just don't know what I should do.

Suicide always seemed like the best option, though not because of this guy but rather because of the world. My shoulders are heavy with the burdens I bear and my hope is that suicide will rid it. However, I have made a pact with myself to never commit suicide since the last attempt to cut myself just left me in shock as I saw my blood dripping.

So if you have read this far, I thank you.

 

[BitterLove]

She knew him for a YEAR, they dated 12 hours.

Girl, thats some bull. After a year of knowing you he should have known if it would have worked out in a romantic manner. Screw him, he must be retarded.

Message me if you ever want to rant.

 

[BitterLove]

Horny bastards.

 

[freedom]

blue_azure,

i'm very, very sorry to hear about what you went through. i can relate to what you're saying in every sense. i'm also someone that people depend on, perhaps too much, and i can't seem to be able to confide in anyone either. my family members get irritated with me at times because i don't like to talk about my feelings with them or what i'm going through at any given time. my excuse for them is just the simple cliche of always: "you wouldn't understand".

my smiles and laughter are apparently a gift to the world that is rarely seen. they applaud me whenever i laugh or smile, but the feeling of contentment is only temporal.

i was, and still am, very much in love with a woman that i met last year during a time in my life when i was also thinking about suicide. i was just so tired of everyone and everything. sometimes the burden is too heavy and the only relief from it all seems to be in death, if only for a moment. long story short, we met and became friends. i had a special connection with her that i had never felt for anyone else. over time, i started to develop feelings for her, and before i could realize it, i was in love with her.

the time went by, and as the unkindness of fate would have it, she left my life for reasons i'll never know. and all for what?... the answer to that is one that i'll have to discover on my own.

i've realized that she didn't come into my life to love me, but to save me. i literally owe my life to her, because if it weren't for her kindness and friendship, i wouldn't be here typing this. she was the only thing that kept me from taking my own life. the hope of kissing her lips, the hope of hearing her say "i love you" to me, the hope of becoming one with her are the only things that kept me alive and going. even though i'm back down to where i was before i met her, i'm stronger now and have chosen life. she showed me that there really is hope for me, even if it's only blind and misleading.

i don't know if my logic and story made much sense to you, but if you made it this far, i just want to thank you for taking the time to read this, and i hope that somehow my words can inspire you to move on and become stronger, wiser, and hopeful of better days.


-freedom

 

[tehdreamer]

I agree with BitterLove; After knowing you for a year, he should have been able to tell who you were enough to make a decision about dating you or not. Maybe the maturity thing was just a lie because it seems like a flimsy excuse to dump someone in this situation.

You can always unload some of your burdens on us here. People here like to listen and give advice when they can. It might not solve all your problems, or any at all, but it will help lessen the load a little.

 

[BitterLove]

Horny bastards.

....some girls do it too, those horny bastiches

Bastiches..... I like it.

 

[blue_azure]

He said he felt wrong about all this, as though he was dating an underaged person. He said it was fine online but in real life, I am not mature enough for him. I mean, seriously, how I think still remains the same, both online and in real life so what was the difference?

He tells me on a frequent basis that he really do care about what I think and feel..... maybe I just fall for the smooth talkers. Even if it is only two people I have had romantic interest in, it feels as though a big chunk is taken out of me, especially after having battles with my own mind.

Bitterlove: how would a romantic manner be?

alonewanderer: I honestly thought it was immature of me to cut him off.

Freedom: yes, I can empathise with you. These two men, though I will never see them again, somehow have had a big impact on me. Though I don't really know if my personality change is a good one! Hahaha.

 

[BitterLove]

Well, usually you can tell of you could be romantically involved with a person, or if it just wouldn't work. Especially after a year.

 

[blue_azure]

Well, usually you can tell of you could be romantically involved with a person, or if it just wouldn't work. Especially after a year.

Oh. I didn't think about that. *sigh*

I always had an issue trusting people on a deeper level, so for me to open up so much of myself to him was a strain due to the battles of 'yes' and 'no' going on in my mind. Well, it's over now and a year of what I thought were requited feelings are gone.

 

[lomojojo]

Yep I think you did the right thing by cutting him off. I would've done the same thing too. I know is hard to accomplish but if we could somehow love without attachment our feelings would not be hurt. Don't get me wrong o.k I don't mean it in a way of friends with benefits or anything like that, I mean love in the sense of pure love without expectations. I don't know if I am explaining my self at all here. But that's what I have to say about that.

 

[blue_azure]

I wish I could have a reign on my emotions or something now. It's just when I like someone, I go all out and maybe this seems cheap I guess. But it never seemed so to me. I have no idea what the other party is thinking.

Now I can't cry for him anymore but I just have like a constant sadness, if that makes sense.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Why does every guy try to do this, it pisses me off.

Not every guy but a lot of them yeah... :/

 

[blue_azure]

Oh well. I have come to terms with this. Meh.

Show me the hotties now.

 

[Badjedidude]

^^^ummm....

ME!!

 

[blue_azure]

Oh, I'd probably have to think about it jedi....

 

[Badjedidude]

@_@ NO. BECUZ I AM HOTTIES.

RILLY! I promise!

Only 7 easy payments of $69.99 CALL NOW!!!

 

[Sean]

(hug)

I hope you meet a really great guy, really soon .

 

[blue_azure]

@_@ NO. BECUZ I AM HOTTIES.

RILLY! I promise!

Only 7 easy payments of $69.99 CALL NOW!!!

pfft. Do I get any free gifts?

Why does every guy try to do this, it pisses me off.

Not every guy but a lot of them yeah... :/

Even the ones that aren't upfront or blunt about it secretly want it. I'm too tired and old to mess around with some superficial relationship that'll just make me miss a real opportunity. It's sad but sometimes I'll think there's potential even in a 1 night stand, so far I've been wrong as hell. (ok thrice there was potential, 2 of them moreso and out of those 2 only 1 actually turned into a LTR)

Edit: Oh friends with benefits. I have many guy friends and all of them are pretty decent. It's just when I come to dating guys not within my 'friends' category that I am le suck.

(hug)

I hope you meet a really great guy, really soon .

Aww thanks Sean! But I am tired of it all. So maybe one day in the far distant future. Lol.

 

[Knight]

I second Sean's kind notion

 

[blue_azure]

Haha thanks knight! Like I said, I will find someone in the far distant future.