I keep wondering "How do they do it?"

[VeganAtheist]

Have you ever watched two strangers strike up a casual conversation that is seemingly so simple and natural? Engage in "small talk" as they call it?

Well... How the hell do they do it? I... I don't really understand. I mean, I understand how it works in theory but I am unable to duplicate it. Something vital is missing.

It seems like these small conversations are sometimes the building blocks to starting a relationship. I don't know what to do without it.

 

[meekthoughts]

Yes. I have no idea either and I'm waiting to be enlightened. Perhaps they've done it so many times that it's become natural for them, or we just happen to be witnessing many people conversing with similar interests/mindsets.

By the way, I'm just curious. Am I over analyzing or is the thread title supposed to mislead people into thinking "do it" means sex? I only realized it after replying. If not, then woops.. got to get my head out of the gutter I guess. >__<;;

 

[Bluey]

I personally never have a problem talking to strangers about anything.
Some ppl are not interested in even saying Hello when you walk past where as other ppl well stand and talk to you for an hour.

You just got to not be bothered about what ppl think.

Like if your at the supermarket and you see someone trying to get past you. Just say somethin like. "Oh Am always in the way" lol "Shell I move"?
Its stuff like that I always do.
The hard part is finding ppl to get a moor meaningful relationship with. To go out watch a film together. Or a day out to the seaside or something daft like that. Its all well and good being comfortable around strangers like I am but that dose you no good when your in all day alone.

If you really wont to talk randomly to any random person you have to practice at doing it. Become less shy and just get in there face basically.

 

[Tristeza]

I can't even have small talk with people online... *sighs*

 

[Bones]

If you are an INTJ, it is "natural" to not understand social rituals.

... Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. ... INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense ...

(I was doomed from the beginning concerning relationships since I am an INTJ. LOL)

[Source]

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Ice Breakers. It's not really big deal.

For me....
I believe..being bullied, picked on, called names kind of had an effected on me.
It just got to the piont to where I really didnt give a fresia oneway or the other anymore
what people thought about me. Plus over the years I've learned to laugh at myself.
Once I can laugh at myself...it kind da took a lot of powers of whatever the fresia
fears i had.

Its all a big fucken joke to me after a while.
Kind da like me saying my mission in life is to contaminate whitie's gene pool.
It funnie becuase theres a silver lining underneath all of thAT...becuase in so
many ways, it's true. I'm not ashame of its...cuase fucken whites wants
to kill me too...and that's no fucken joke.

What funni about my joke is...It's the hot white chocks that comes on to me or ask me out.

So when I go talk to a hot chick....I really dont have anything to loose and everything
to gain. I might come off as irrogant to other males or some women I dont find attractive.

I woke up in bed with two women I didnt even know plenty.
The countless one night stands with beautiful women..
And those straight up women that'll tell me they just wanna fresia me for the night.

As like any typical person. I'll forget about the hundreds of times women had come
on to me and will play that one time a woman rejects me. Then all that crazy honeysuckle
runs in my head..but of course a chick will wanna get to know me.

It's so freaken weird. Some people say to not be looking for woman and she's come
to you. Its like that for me. Most of the time when women come on to me..I'm
not really actively serching for a partner nor want to get into a relationship.

I've been married. Yes, I've experinced women coming after me just for the sake
I was married.

Realtionship issues? i lived it from different angles.
Some relationship Ive destroyed. Other relationships, my partner destroyed.

Sometimes life is one big ass joke to me....
It's all relative and it depends how I feel at that moment.
If i'm depressed...thinking life is a just a fucken joke....it'll snap me out of my depression.
Seruously...I cant take myself too fucken seriouse all the freaken time. It's too fucken intense.
So it's kind of like i have sense of humor which makes small talk easier or meeting people easier.

other times...when I get into that crazy zone of not really, really giving a fresia. I act out.
I really, really dont care what happens oneway or the other. Plus I'll get into living life on the edge attitude.
This attracts certain women...Some women might be going through the samething as I'm going through.
So they're acting out just like me.
So those little converstation turns into a major escape from whatever we're escaping from.
In the myst of that...there's compassion and understand. A connection

 

[Ak5]

Probably a bit anxious? Maybe that's why you don't. Well, that's my reason lol.

 

[Felix]

They do it becose they know how to be sociable, meaning they go to talk to someone trying to stablish some kind of connection, probably with a comment about what's happening around them at the moment and then they just talk then if they feel like it...

I can't do it as well, for example last night at a haloween party with lots of people I was all night with my group of friends and was never able to talk to anybody "new", but one of my friends did talk to other people at the party. I haven't really been in many of this parties, so I tried to watch how he did, trying to learn for next time. Being socieble pays off, the dude ended up making out with a hot girl.

My guess is mostly you just got to stop worring about your own problems, how other people see you, what they might think... Just find ways to have fun and make others have fun too. People want to have a good time and forget their honeysuckle. Also, you have to feel comfortable at the moment and with yourself. I was in a shitty mood really, so until I'm better and figure out my honeysuckle, I'm not gonna be that sociable...

But I totally relate to the "how they do it?" question. I wonder the same, so I try to learn.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Ive been taking St John wort and vitamin B6, B12.
I've notice improvement in my moods already.

I've also been doing a lot of positive self talk and my gratitude.
Over all I've been in a very good mood or a positive state of mind.

I met a gal last week. She's freindly, pretty, funnie and sweet.
Heck she even took me to her place to go hang out.
Yes, it pretty much just started off as a cusual talk.
But I've been with plenty of pretty women.
Yes, she has her own living challenges to deal with...which I dont really want to get involve.
Never the lest..it's still me maintaining my abilty of meeting people and getting to know
people beyound the initial talk. It's actaully weird...she calls me more often than not
asking me to go hang out with her all the time. But Im not being too good of a freind
at the moment. I have my own living thing I need to deal with.

I've also ran into some old freinds off an on every other day.
I've been hanging out with another friend this weekend.

How I do it?
Simple little comments. As for women...The ones that's making herself avaliable to me.
I flirt. Mostly just listen to her talk about herself or whatever. Just build repaore with her.
Sometimes I'll actaully do the PUA suggestions...just to see of the honeysuckle works. hahahahaa
Sometimes when enaging in a conversation...when she's talking, I'll take a small step back.
She'll actaully step into me.

Then I'll kind da step to her side. I'll sit next to her or beside her.
It puts us at a less confortational setting. It also allow for body contacts.
Your shoulders leaning into each other and i can whisper in her ears.lol
It depends on the women. Some women are very touchy. They'll actaully start touching
me..tapping my arms or knees...etc
Bascailly getting comfortiable and building repore.
The converstaions are very light hearted or humorous.

You must understand...even if a woman is interested in me...If I dont repond or build repored with her.
The reltionship ends right then and there. Im not so worried if Im going to get her number.
It's too obvious for me sometimes...if she's hitting on me..Im going going to get her number oneway or the other.

 

[VeganAtheist]

@MeekThoughts: I get what you are saying. My question then would be How did they start? It may be natural to them now but at one point it must have been something new. I am thinking it is something they learned as a child... I must have missed that class/lesson.

Oh and I didn't intend for the title to sound like sex. But that would have been a clever ruse to get people in the thread... so yea, lets pretend I was clever and that was my intention.

@Bluey: Oh I have tried to be nice and chatty with people. It nearly always fails. I suppose could do it more often. It is just at a certain point, I don't know what to say. I don't know.

@Tristeza: You should practice with me!

@Bones: I haven't taken the test to see what I am but that seems to describe things pretty well. Maybe I should take the test -- may give me some new insights.

@Lonesome Crow: But brings about the question: How do you break the ice? Am I to gather that simply not giving a fresia is the answer?

@Ak5: That could possibly be part of the problem. I have noticed that I am more fluid when I don't really care what people think. I still can't initiate small talk but if someone else starts it, I can adapt to it better.
When it is someone I have some kind of attraction to, I don't fair so well. I think I come off as indifferent. I don't know.

@Felix: I would be clinging to my group too (if I had one). I wouldn't even know where to start when talking to new people.
.
@Lonesome Crow: Don't forget your Omega-3s

 

[Lonesome Crow]

yeah...not giving a fresia...is the principle. It's actaully the serenity prayer short form.
Principle before personality kind da thing.
I guess the sugar coat version is...dont worry.

I used to wear a wrist band because I dont have any tatoos.
It's out of place...but it can become a converstation piece.
Gives a person an excuse to talk to me.

Women usually make an excuse to talk to me.
Then they tell me their names eventaully.
I met another friend around a month ago...
Actaully another babe was really talkative with me at the time.
I think i say something she could relate to and it made her laugh.
So she use that as an excuse to talk to me but I didnt get her number.

But i havn't really met my new friend yet..just hanging.
I got introduce to her the first night and that was about it.

A couple of days later she ran into me again.
The usual stuff...Hi , how are ya...ect
Then she just started talking...so were standing on the sidewalk just chit chatting.
Then she asked me to go have coffee with her.
Then we hang out. Then she gave me her number. Then she text me to chit chat.
Then we went and had lunch a couple of days later. Then she text or call me for a couple of days.
Then took me to her house.
Just repore...i didnt really know what to expect from her.
I'd send her text a couple of time p day telling her to have a nice day..stuff like that.
Nothing deep...
Gradually as she got more comfortiable with me...she open up more.


Lot of people have tatoo today.
You can make comments or compliment their tatoo.
Tatoo has personal meanings to people...
Stuff like that....are ice breaker material.

My last GF I met. Again i was kind da engauge with a conversation with someone else.
Then she made a comment about my tan as an ice breaker.
So we put our arms side by side to match our tan becuase she has a nice tan too.
Then she said..."look WE match, We look pretty together"
In the process I notice her braclet (repore)...So I just held her hands to look at her braclet and asked her
if it had any specail meaning to her. Did she recieved as a gift?...etc..etc.
After chit chating for 15 mins I asked her if she was bussied and if she wanna go have coffee or dinner with me.

Not too long ago when I was in a bar...I went pee. After i walk out of the mens room a babe asked me to shoot pool with her.

A week after that i was just sitting a the bar listening to a drunk...Socializing.
Then a chick sat right next to me and offered to buy me a drink. Then she started talking me about whatever.
The usual stuff...she started making lots body contacts with me. Rubbing my arms or tapping my legs.
Then I kindda stood up to just stand...I'm standing in between her legs of course.
Little stuff women will allow me to do with them when they like me.

 

[Ak5]

Also, for people like us, we could just be "untuned" when it comes to social situations. The more you participate in social situations, the more you become "tuned" and thus the better you will feel about striking conversations with complete strangers.

 

[cumulus.james]

Have you ever watched two strangers strike up a casual conversation that is seemingly so simple and natural? Engage in "small talk" as they call it?

Well... How the hell do they do it? I... I don't really understand. I mean, I understand how it works in theory but I am unable to duplicate it. Something vital is missing.

It seems like these small conversations are sometimes the building blocks to starting a relationship. I don't know what to do without it.

Beats me. I can't strike up a conversation with someone I know let alone a stranger.People are alien to me.

 

[Bluey]

@Bluey: Oh I have tried to be nice and chatty with people. It nearly always fails. I suppose could do it more often. It is just at a certain point, I don't know what to say. I don't know.

You are trying still though so respect for that.
Just keep practicing. And don't so much try just do it if that makes seance.
Let that kinder thing become a natural part of who you are.

When you see ppl that talk to others like its natural. Its not. Most ppl had to work at it at some point in there lives. You become who you wont to become in life.
Some of the ppl that was most shy in there younger days are some of the most sociable now days.
Your all set to be a good decent outstanding sociable person by the sounds of it

Am not shy but let me tell you a little insignificant story about something that just happened in the last week if you can forgive my rambling lol ;;I not been long moved home to where I am now.
Its just started getting cold here so I just started using the heating system at this new place for the first time.
The thermostat seemed to not be working properly.
I was wondering if the neighbors system was the same and thought it would be good to ask there advice.
Not seeing anyone out to talk to I did not go round and knock on the door.
But the retied lady that lives next door is very chatty and she come round and knocked on my door to ask if I wanted to read a book that she has finished with. Now I thought that was nice and also give me a chance to ask about the heating. Now I would myself had felt to silly going round with a book to see if she wonted to read it. But now I think I should had just gone round and asked about the heating. Obviously her knocking on my door was moor about her saying that she is friendly and was just an accuses to break the ice with me then a book That sort of thing like she did don't come natural. My guss is she probably at some point in her life had to work at being that sociable.
By looking at her it teaches me something too. We always continue to learn

BTW I did stat it was an insignificant story XD

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I used to be a manager. Sale people or clients would come visit me almost everyday.
In bussiness most of the time it felt very intminating to me...will, becuase i had to wear
a different hat and BEHAVE

Most of the sale people were drop dead goregous women in thier bussiness outfits.
The women would present themselves and whatever products and services they were
trying to sell me. At the sametime..I also had to tell them what I want.lmao


At the sametime I also had to bid for contracts or deal with my clients.
So in a way I was a sale person. I had to sell them me...bascailly.
The same prinicples build repore..becuase my company didnt offer any service
that they couldnt get anywhere else. It was me...my words and integrity.
And a lot of times my clients are very demanding. I had to jump through
fucken hoops and remain calm.


At the sametime I also had a crew of assistence.
Well...they were all women.lmao
I also had to go through a learning process of working and communicating
with women. It works better in my favor when I'm nice to the ladies
rather than just thow honeysuckle on thier desk and telling them to just get it done.
I learned not to stand while they're sitting down at thier desk...it's inteminating to them
I learned not to stand behind thier sholders as they're working.
Believe or not...when I talk to my assistance I'm kneeling on my knees at thier
desk next to them..as if I'm poposing to them. They co-operate better.
Plus i always make it a habit to compliments the ladies everyday...becuase sometimes
they'll have bad days....it puts them in a better mood or create a less stressful enviorment to
work in.


So when i socilize it's realitively child's play. it's like the volume got turned
down 5 knotch.

Compliment people also works...
Simple key words such as..How are you FEELING today?

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

Small talk is... a strange thing. One day I find myself being able to chat with complete strangers for up to 30 minutes, whether it's on a train or in the streets, but most of the time I can't even begin to imagine what I could possibly say to someone I don't know.
What confuses me even more is that there are people who can actually get long-term contact out of simple small talk, for instance someone I know can go to a concert, or even a simple pub for that matter, and come back home knowing 20 or so new people - makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing wrong, as I've never exchanged contact details with any stranger I've ever had small talk with.
Strange world, huh.

 

[Drama]

If someone I never met before starts to talk to me, i'd just go along with the conversation. It happened a lot In the university. People would ask for something and starts asking questions and i'd respond and ask questions too. The person usually became an aquaintance.

 

[Tiina63]

I can only make smalltalk when I don't have to do it for very long and when I don't feel pressurised into it. Dates are hard, because they tend to last for several hours and I feel I have to be interesting. Also, flirtation is completely beyond me.

 

[Bluey]

How are you FEELING today?

Oh am feeling grand, how you?
Bit breezy to day.
Had to pick me mums dog up and look after it for a while why she works.
Was cold walking to get the mut I tell ye.
Almost makes me wish I took the car.
But I still rather walk. He's hairy and casts like a mother!
knowwhatamsaing?

But hay the sun come out later when I took him back.
Then had to hoover up some pick all the hairs up. Messy pup he is.
All that cleaning now made me hungry. I never have a clue what to eat.
I tell ye I could go shopping spend like £50 on food, come back and still not wont anything I got in so then jump back in the car and go MCDees XD
Cant beat there Big maces man. And there Mc ice cream

My fav ice cream is Ben & jerry's. Man that stuff is addictive.

Anyways what you been up to. You seen much of your daughter this week?

lol you gets the idea

---

I can only make smalltalk when I don't have to do it for very long and when I don't feel pressurised into it. Dates are hard, because they tend to last for several hours and I feel I have to be interesting. Also, flirtation is completely beyond me.

Dates is where I claim completely up.
When there is no pressure I can ramble on all day.
But soon as you put someone in front of me I would like to get with lol Then yea I turn into the biggest numpty ever.

 

[Thrasymachus]

I don't think it can be imputed to being natural as you posit it. Our social institutions and cultural models, expend great effort to mold people to be unthoughtful, base and ignorant, so those types have an easy time assuming the banalities of small talk mean something. Thus what you perceive as natural or innate, is really the product of all the ensembles and efforts of social control heretofore developed. If you refer to my sig, John Taylor Gatto gives a good exposition on this. Often at work co-workers make meaningless talk about the latest happenings of sports teams like it matters deeply. Really most of their lives are infact so pathetic they identify so deeply with the achievements or loses of "their team". If you are similarly spiritually depleted you can interact with them on this low threshold and fool yourself that you are bonding over this shared consumption.

I for one can not ever be good at this small talk game, because I am not the type of person that can give up the part of my humanity necessary to make the sacrifice to this monstrous epoch we pretend is the apex of human development. All I ever see is its accumulated victims everywhere I go, all I see is lack of meaning and caring subsumed by artificiality. If you can pretend this fakeness matters, you can be socially successful in the present conditions. However by socially successful, we must recognize it is relative, if you ever are in a coma, jailed or in any other difficult circumstances, most your fair weather friends will abandon you, because sharing trivialities together can never form a strong bond.