I miss it so much......

[Why_Me]

I miss the touch of a woman so much it hurts, I miss the warmth, I miss everything.
Seven years ago my "wife" told me she didn't love me anymore. I could not believe it. The conversation opened up the fact that she had a two year affair with her boss and several one night stands.
I really wanted to keep her, I loved her so very much.

Right after our second daughter she got very ill, I stuck by her side and shouldered a house, two young girls, work, her rehab and insurance. It has taken her this long to get 50% of what she used to be.

She still, I can feel it, doesn't love me. It is all about her, her looks, her condition, the girls and NOTHING else. And I MEAN that.
I was 200% faithful.

But now at 44 years old, I miss intimacy so much. If anything I miss a woman. Don't need to degrade myself anymore, but I am starved.

I work in a very place, so many attractive women.
Many are most certainly flirting, I still hold my line. But I am starved.

At times I've felt like I have to be a MAN and do not betray my holly commitment. But it is so hard.
My option has always been, and it is STILL very much an option, to off myself AND END THE PAIN. How much embarrasment and shame can a man take.
Should I pay for sex?, should I follow her path and be unfaithful?.

I KNOW be best way in my mind is to end it with a 9mm in my mouth.
But I love my two girls so very much, I think about them being without their daddy.

But when do I become relevant? what about my feelings and my needs?
I want to give a WOMAN what a have inside my heart, inside my soul. Not just getting off.....

What would be the best Daddy? the one who divorces Mom and you grow up without a father figure or the one is there from a distance while spending the rest of his life with a different woman who makes him happy and enjoying life??

I DO NOT want to be selfish, but where is that line?

 

[bootlegspm]

I truly understand the feeling, but don't kill yourself over a woman who failed to fulfill her marriage vows. You deserve better, and so do your kids. Take it one step at a time, and you will get through it. Proverbs 3: 5,6

 

[Why_Me]

I have been taking MANY steps, I am 44 and feel running out of time.
If I can make it, what is the point? Don't tell me it's the girls. At what point I am not Daddy anymore but just a sourpuss, who doesn't represent.

There are many ways to make it look like an accident and make it look like legit, so at least they will have a chance in life.I have done my homework with life insureance. Not as good with Daddy by their side, but better than nothing.
I just can't do it much longer. This is so painful. Not just SEX, but that intimate exchange where you love and feel a feedback. Not just an orgasm.

 

[beans]

I feel like that a lot, but towards a man. However, I try to focus on other things in life that I can actually improve on. The thoughts and feeling of missing someone does come and go but I find it pointless to be frustrated about it.

If you miss having someone that much, you need to ask yourself how you can meet someone and if you're ready for the responsibility and commitment to it.

Start going for single parties, joining social gatherings where there are people of the opposite sex. You said your workplace have a lot attractive women. Why don't you try talking to them and being friends?

 

[MountainGhost]

I think that, in your case, "the line" has been there for quite some time...you just might not like to see it because it's so hurtful.
Your a good man for wanting to keep your family together for the sake of your girls and even more so for standing by your wife after everything she did but there *has* to be a point when you start to think about yourself...there just has to be.
I'm a mom, I've been in miserable relationships and I know about putting yourself and your best interests aside for the sake of one thing or another.
My relationship isn't nearly as miserable as yours sounds but I think that we may be in the same place when it comes to our significant others and why we stay.
If you'd like to talk please feel free to private message me and I'll send you my email address. I'm usually always around.
Sometimes just talking to someone who understands a little bit can help.
Shooting yourself in the head is *not* an option and you probably already know that.

 

[Why_Me]

Beans and Ghost,
I am not afraid of responsibility or commitment or eating some lead. I meant it.

The pain in life, the everyday thought of feeling alone and betrayed is just pushing me to the edge.
Why I am here? why do I bother posting my inner most secrets and pains?..... I am convinced I am at the end of my rope. I feel so deeply inside that I just can't do it anymore.
I hate that I love my girls so much, they are so lovely. But when do my feelings and needs become relevant?
I 've been a Daddy, a good one, for seven years, I stuck by my ailing partner. All the while being the man I needed to be.

I just can't do it anymore. I hate life.

 

[MountainGhost]

You bother posting here because maybe you need some hope, or a friend, or perhaps you just need to let it all out. I write, not so much for others to read but to work things out in my own mind and answer my own questions. Regardless of the reason its a beneficial thing and I hope you continue to do so.
Suicide is a bad way out and I'm sure that your daughters would agree. As much as I hated hearing it when I was at my worst I will say it to you then leave you alone
Things do move forward. If your brave enough to just make it through the pain you'll eventually find the strength to change your life and when you really come down to it, that's all you really need to do.

 

[IgnoredOne]

When its time to move on, its time to move on. Your children, I am certain, will come to understand this as well. Like you said, your own feelings and interests are relevant. Make them so. It may hurt your children's feelings at first, but if you love them and keep them stable, they will grow from the experience only to be stronger.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Im 44....
I lived through a toxic relationship.
It was all about sherry and her...her..her.
after 7 years into the relationship she bumped her fucken head and relapsed.
Never the Im a sexy son of a *****...
we still had a very active sex life through all of that..
Intimatecy??...I know what that is....
So before all the women wanna bash me
and acuss me of not knowing the difference...and its not all about sex oki doki. And Im not fucken none of this and none of that..
Anyways that relationship turned into
honeysuckle no matter how hard and long I stood by her side. 5 yrs of dramma and truama..
woooo hoooo give me a fucken halo ....
in sickness and in healh..
I ma get a golden star and get into heaven for living through a living hell on earth.

Well Im a sick basturd too.
I suffer from The I.ll show you ***** syndrom. For the past 2 yrs Ive dated young women half my age, one night stands threesomes..etc..etc.
Drop dead gorgeouse women and I fucke the living honeysuckle out of all of them..
And thats that....

---

Yeah...man
God had blessed me with beautiful women with big ass titays here on earth..Sherry included.

I just recently broke up with Jennifer.
Shes beautiful...prettier than Renae.
I bumped my head...

Renae is Kimmie's Mom.
I know what My daughter wants.
I wish I can take her pains away.
I love Renae very much and Ill never stop loving her. As Kimmie needs
her mothers love even more so...
I will do what my duaghter have asked of me...

Thats all Ive ever wanted is for Renae and I to have a family together from
the day I met her.. I threw my heart at her and put my life on the line evrytime.
ever and ever again . I know what love is....

it hasnt been easy nor simple..
.

 

[Why_Me]

As pathetic as it sounds, the reason I am here and posting regarding my most dark, embarrasing issues is because this is it for me. I have NO ONE else to talk to.
How sad and pathetic is that?

Friends and (internet) acquaintances come and go, but my pain remains. I've been working hard in getting things lined up for my girls. But when I feel they are on the right path and a cushioned ride, I am checking out.

Do you know?, of course not, how many therapists, doctors and counselors I've been through? how many books I've read? howmany people I've reached to?
Yes, I've prayed to the Lord with an open heart. At the end of the day it is all the same. I feel as though this is my path, the one life set out for me.
Nobody should be sorry for it, including myself. It is what it is.

But this is how the script is. It shouldn't be hard to believe. Some other folks have had it much much worse than me. Regardless of that path and how fortunate as compared with others I've been. ..... someone's pain IT IS someone's pain and that someone must choose due to its own freewill a proper road to relieve that pain and seek peace wherever it may be.
If not the journey continues...... in hell or heaven.

 

[MountainGhost]

As pathetic as it sounds, the reason I am here and posting regarding my most dark, embarrasing issues is because this is it for me. I have NO ONE else to talk to.
How sad and pathetic is that?

You'll have to forgive me if I'm a little bit to blunt in this reply. My social filters are down today for maintenance...
But no, it's not pathetic. Many of us have no one else to talk to...that's usually why we come here.

Yes, I've prayed to the Lord with an open heart. At the end of the day it is all the same.

Do you believe in the lord? I mean, really? When you go to God with an "open heart" I would assume that means (among other things) that you're ready and willing to accept his presence in your life and the decisions the he makes...otherwise your just wasting his time, aren't you? Surely you weren't expecting him to send you an email with his answers to your questions. God whispers...he leaves it up to you to listen. Every day he allows you to wake up in the morning is an answer to your prayers. He obviously wants you to hang around because if he didn't you'd be dead already. I don't know a whole lot about him but God really doesn't seem like the kind of guy to leave you wandering around in limbo in the off chance he might need you. Your serving his purpose *now*. It seems to me like you need to try that whole praying with an "open heart" thing again and this time actually pay attention.


Nobody shad it much much worse than me. Regardless of that path and how fortunate as compared with others I've been. ..... someone's pain IT IS someone's
[/quote]

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Will...I attend support groups. Its very difficult for me to talk about a lot of stuff. I have a sponsor too but
I still feel he dosnt unstand me....

I write on here too and I still feel people dont understand me...
Heck. I even work the 12 steps program. Its still all wacked to me me.
That last time I prayed.. Renae went off her rockers and gave me a fucken black eye. I had to take her to hospital becuase ...she got totally COMBATIVE....thats beyound argumentitive...oki doki.

I dont believe god created me to be a fucken punching bag or a miserabble
SOB.

Anyway. Renae called me today.
I love her very much. I miss her very much. Yes, Renae is a wild crazy woman
I used the sedona method to help
me with my emotional pains...
Its a far cry from cuddling with
her everynight then waking up to her beautiful smile. Her soft gentle kiss and her sweet vioce of " I love u honey".
The vibrant gleem in her eyes...
.

---

Anyway....u Mentioned REHAB...
Im guessing alcholism or some sort of addiction?
.Infidelity, dramma N trauma..etc..etc
the stuff that comes along with the playing feild.

Have you tried Al anon??Lots of poeple lived through crazy honeysuckle.Having an alki/addict as a partner can drive a person batty....TPSD??? Maybe
The previous terminalogy for this was
SHELLSHCOK.

Thats what most partners of alki do...take care of everything. Thier partner becomes like an exrtra child...
Worst...more like a step child from hell possessed by some dark evil force.
Nothing short of an exorsist is required.

The Dr Jykle and Miss Hydes.???
Thats on a good day.....

---

Asking me to stop loving Renae is like telling me to stop breathing.....

Since our saperations. As soon as I got
back to CA, the very first night...
Just like that...I met Jennifer.
Jennifer was very HURTED that I couldnt love her as much as I love Renae.
Jennifer was the nicest and sweetest GF. I slept in the same bed with her for months and whatever else couples do in bed.. I could never hold Jennifer like I hold Rernae. Jennifer is prettier than Renae, out of all things...

I dont love someone just for their looks.
Renae is the love of my life.

---

I pray that Renae will get WELL....
I feel GOD aint listening or dont give a fresia.
Then I gotta hear bullshit like...
ACCEPTENCE..
Either way..weather I accept it or not
It still rips every part me to pieces just the same.
Acceptence is a son of a *****...
if I dont accpect it...its torment.

The lesser of 2 evils

 

[Why_Me]

I have opened my heart to many, I mean MANY. Some were indifferent, some hurt me very bad.
When I've and continuously pray to the Lord, I truly 1000% mean it.
No, I do not expect a voice, signal oe "email".

I go to bed just about every night praying for help, thinking and hoping for inspiration on what to do and do the right thing.
I am so very tired, I am spiritually and emotionally spent.
I truly feel I am counting my days.

I pray for a day were I am FREE.

 

[Limlim]

I dunno if its just me but infidelity is a big one, insta divorce if it happens. The girls will have to learn to deal with it. the sooner you break the sooner they can recover.

 

[Why_Me]

I hear you, thought about it so much.

This woman hurt me so bad. First, the adultery. Then when I confronted her, she told me she didn't love me anymore. I just could not believe my ears. She made fun of my body and told how much better it was with those other men.

Somehow, some way immaturely we had two girls. Maybe hoping to tie her up to me. Very hard to argue with the results and call them a mistake.
Without those two angels I will SURELY be dead by now. No doubt whatsoever.

But time and the girls have done nothing but to create an ocean between us.
You want more?! My father died 8 years ago, my Dad wanted me to help my mother with finances and budget administration. He was a man that stared at cancer in the face and said "not know, only when I am ready".

Both my mother and my only sister resented my father's decision and have built a nightmare in my life.
No other family, no ther nothing. I mean it.

How's that for feeling alone.

Please, please God let me go home.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I know where youre coming from.
You made a commitment....

Im the sameway with Renae...
Its not all or nothing with her...
Its all and be all.

Im a very terriable lier or putting on a front especially when it comes to love....I wasnt mean to Jennifer.
A woman can sense these things.
The difference is Ill make out in the ailes while shopping with Renae and I wont with Jennifer...little stuff like that adds up..

If u had been with your wife for a long time..Your mnd is still ganna think your married to her even if you get a deviorce.lol

Thats how I am with Renae...

Thats how I was with Sherry after living with her for over 12 yrs.
12 yrs...shes my wife by law...

I thought Fucken Jesus was ganna send me to hell for looking @ another womans ass...this was 6 months after Sherry and I broke up.

---

Just Like U...I dont feel too fuiken bad. Bad.lol
Im still getting laid by drop dead gorgeous women. Waazooo of women
asked me out or landed on my lap...

Its all thses god **** morals. Family vules. Regional. Beleifs or whatever the
fresia it is running in my head...
I feel guilt...I feel shame which makes me feel like a nuit case....

When I read about dudes never kissing a woman in their life or cant get a chick..

I should feel grateful Im been blessed with poontang and boobies all my life
even oif my fucken heart had been torn to pieces and put in the blender a few times....LOL

---

Thats why I suggested Alanon...
or google codependcy or family and friends of alki/Addicts...

Theres thousands of people going through the same type of circumstance
that youre going through and feel very much the same way....

Their partners gets better than relapse
or makes slow reovery or never get well.

And theres children involved..
Its not always black and white

As old as my dauighter is and even
after being given up for adoption.
She cant imagine Her mother and I
not being together.
Its deep emotiponal pains for her too.

Yes lots and lots of time I wanna tell
Renae to stop being such a self fish *****!!!!!

---

I cant even accept half of this honeysuckle...
Im a grown adult with a lot of wisdom
and experience....If I have a hard time
accepting such matters....

How in the hell am I suppose to expect my duiaghter to accept it without her going off the deep end?

My daughter is devistate by it all..
She tells me all the time.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Then again...Jennifer thinks and feels that Im a selffish ass hole....

I carried a lot of emotional baggage
in the relationship I had with Jennifer...

Please be clear or rid of as much baggaes as you can before you get involve with someone else....

I cant give you advice for your children.
Everybody reacts differently...
So I cant throw a blanket over anything.
Your daughter might accept it or they might not. They might get over it quickly or never forgive you....

Hard chioces...Im pretty sure you thought it through plemty

 

[IgnoredOne]

You need to take the courage to man up and do what is right for yourself before you try to make anyone else happy - which is honestly what seems to be your greatest downfalling. You're not avoiding pain, and you're taking on responsibilities when you are sinking yourself; you have to take care of yourself first and foremost and cut that worthless ***** out of your life and mind.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Thats fresia up dude....

FUcken poeple say the most inconsiderate thng..
fucken up advice with low level uinderstanding aint worth a penny...

Youre calling his wife a worthless *****..


I swear to you...as angery or up set
I might be witn Renae...
If you call her a worhtless ***** in front of me in real life face to face...
Id knock your fucken lights out.

---

Un perfect as she might be...
She still bared children for him.

I belive she far from being a worhtless *****....Fucktard

 

[IgnoredOne]

Individuals who attempt violence on me learn to regret it.

People have children for many reasons, including the wrong ones. This does not change the fact that she is a persistent and harmful influence on his life now and conceiving of her in such a manner would be extremely practical and useful to help him get out of his present funk.