I need a refuge. Or a sanctuary.

[InSearchOfPeople]

It won't be a surprise if I said that I constantly feel out of place and alone. That's why I am here.

I went to a lady, who is like a spiritualist and does consulting. She told me, that I am scattered all over the place, my heart has been broken many times and all the pieces are far apart and the longer I go as a loner, the more loneliness is growing on me as a snowball. She said my broken energy attracts wrong people now, those that want to take advantage of my vulnerability, and it pushes away others.

She suggested I get a cat. And I will, but it will take time too, I feel like I need to get prepared for that, because it is a responsibility.

I need to find a place, where I feel like a refuge, a sanctuary. A place that will not be connected to my work or any people from it or anybody I am associated with at the moment, those who cause me so much pain.

For a minute it was my gym, it is super expensive and people from my work don't go there. But because I work so much, I can't be consistent by going there and often I wish I had somebody to go with me.

Then I tried sort of dating with guys that are not my type for anything serious, but could be just a distraction for me. It didn't go well, because I naturally get attached and sincere with people that don't deserve it.

I went to school for English, though I don't need it, and for a minute people that I met there were like that refuge company I was looking for. But most of them turned out lonely and broken just like me and I learnt that two or more broken confused people won't be able to help each other.....may be I am wrong, but it didn't work out.

Please give me some suggestions. I just need something or someone that I can communicate or do and it will be apart from my daily routine, like a fresh breath of air.

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Hey...maybe just forming messaging contact with people will help....not every person will relate or you... or you to them...but some may and it does provide a refuge....Happy for you to mail me by private message if you wish...

 

[Seeker_2.0]

Gym is my sanctuary too, have you considered going early in the morning, before work? Or maybe find a less expensive gym that suits you more? You don't really seem fond of the current one. Sometimes the right trainer can make a ton of difference too, i became friends with my trainer and I enjoy it more now.

 

[ABrokenMan]

Playing my guitar is the main outlet for me. Allows a complete drain of the mind from all negativity, fear, and hopeless feelings.
But, it is like a drug, once done , the emotional connection is terminated. Unfortunately one can't play 20 hours every day!

 

[ladyforsaken]

This forum has been my sanctuary for a very long time now. And I've managed to meet some really amazing people on here who have helped me in more ways than one. Not only that, I've made some pretty good friends on here who turned into real life good friends too.

ISOP, what about volunteer work? Perhaps you could give that a shot?

 

[InSearchOfPeople]

This forum has been my sanctuary for a very long time now. And I've managed to meet some really amazing people on here who have helped me in more ways than one. Not only that, I've made some pretty good friends on here who turned into real life good friends too.

ISOP, what about volunteer work? Perhaps you could give that a shot?

I tried this forum. I don't see it working for me. I am happy I can spill out my feelings when it's overwhelming. But when I don't get any reaction or response (most of the time) I feel even more lonely. May be I am just uninteresting person even for public on here.

Volunteer work won't work. I've done that before, I fed homeless people for a while with my ex. And you know, for the most time of my life I was concerned for others. Starting from my mom and ending with homeless cats.

May be that was the problem initially, that I always give away my love, affection, time and etc and never get anything back. So I feel overdrawn by much like a bank account.

Even when this lady-spiritualist suggested I get a cat, I protested, because I was concerned, that poor cat won't have enough of my attention, because I work a lot. And the lady said, that I need to think about myself first and that getting a cat is not for making life beautiful for a cat, but for a cat to enhance my life.

---

Gym is my sanctuary too, have you considered going early in the morning, before work? Or maybe find a less expensive gym that suits you more? You don't really seem fond of the current one. Sometimes the right trainer can make a ton of difference too, i became friends with my trainer and I enjoy it more now.

Going in the morning will be my next goal. Thank you for your suggestion. I thought it might be good, but procrastination and living in constant depression don't let me get up and do things sometimes.

There are 2 best gyms in my area. The one I go and the one everyone I know goes.
The one, where everyone goes is much cheaper and nice too, but I was afraid I would be negatively affected meeting people there, that I am running from...
May be I'll try a new trainer. My previous one was useless and annoying, all she cared was how she looks like in front of others and all she wanted to know were the details of my job.

---

This forum has been my sanctuary for a very long time now. And I've managed to meet some really amazing people on here who have helped me in more ways than one. Not only that, I've made some pretty good friends on here who turned into real life good friends too.

ISOP, what about volunteer work? Perhaps you could give that a shot?

You know....The main cause for depression and loneliness is not loving yourself. Sometimes people are so busy loving others and giving to others (family, friends, as volunteers) that they forget to love themselves and take care of themselves.

No one can love you, until you love yourself.

I don't think I ever was loved. Even by my parents. My dad gave up on me when I was 11, he had another family and he stopped communicating with me, until I found him 16 years later.

My mom was so in love with my dad, the pain of losing him went through all her life and my life. I didn't know what it's like to be carefree child, because most of the time I felt a huge responsibility to take care of my mom. It's like she put a weight of a man in the house on me ( and I am a girl..) and this trend still goes until this day.
Even living thousands of miles away, sometimes when I call her, she start complaining that something in the apt is not working or that her blood pressure was super high and she doesn't know what to do. And I respond, like, what can I do from over here?? She is an adult and supposed to be able to take care of things like that on her own.
At times she is trying to make me feel guilty for moving away so far, that I can't take care of her.
And then I try to remind her, that as much as I love her and would do many things for her, I have my own life that I want to enjoy and my life does not consist of taking care of her only.

I think she had me in the first place only for that purpose, that she will raise herself a maid. My mom is super selfish, that's why she raised me in a manner, when I need to be always giving, as if I don't have a "self".

Then my ex. For 3.5 years I was taking care of his needs, from sexual to his credit history, from finding him a job and playing a role of his attorney when he had injury on the job to preparing everything to feed the homeless for his ministry. I look back and all I see that I was doing was for him. Even now sometimes we talk over the phone and he tries to tell me something like "I need you to do for me..." And finally I have enough brain to say "no, no more".

That's why when I walked out on him, I suddenly lost my identity, I forgot who I was and what I want. And this continues until this day.

I read somewhere that recovery from identity loss is about 2 years from the day I recognize it. I have another year to find myself according to this statement. And sometimes I don't know if I make it.

 

[Amthorn]

Have you tried meditation? The only true sanctuary is in your self.

 

[Ioann]

I think you are right that not loving yourself is often the cause of loneliness. It is more an existential loneliness, rather than simply not having people about. My sanctuary used to be the pub, which was not good in the long term. Somehow I enjoyed having people around me, and enjoying themselves, even if I was on my own, in the corner with a drink and a book/laptop. Still, as I say, it caused many more problems in the long run, and was not really healthy. A Gym sounds a much better option!

 

[ladyforsaken]

That's why when I walked out on him, I suddenly lost my identity, I forgot who I was and what I want. And this continues until this day.

I read somewhere that recovery from identity loss is about 2 years from the day I recognize it. I have another year to find myself according to this statement. And sometimes I don't know if I make it.

It isn't too late to find yourself again. I don't know about the time frame and all that, personally I wouldn't believe anyone who gives me a time frame because we all work and process things differently. I'm sorry though that you've been through all that... and in the end, you're at loss for yourself. You are right indeed, that loving yourself is really the main cause. If you don't do it first and foremost, for yourself, then I don't think you should try to love anyone else. Because in the end, you'll either burn yourself out or start to resent either yourself or the other person, even if the other person can love you back... I always feel that there will always be this void in you, because you haven't found a way to love yourself.

I suppose then now you could try to find ways to be happy with yourself? Perhaps do things that you enjoy doing and things that will make you happy. There was a time when I was feeling really down, and I had no motivation to do anything or smile even.... I forced myself to watch videos that would bring a smile to my face or laughter. And that helps... every little bit of it helps.

Wishing you good luck on this journey in finding yourself. I personally believe you can and will, if you don't give up and if you believe in yourself as well.

 

[Nuzzy Nuz]

PM me when u can InSearchOfPeople.. I have got lot in common with you and would love to share experiences if that is okay with you.. *hugs* time will heal your wounds.. I know that is one of the most common phrases people use o comfort others but in my case i sent u that phrase coz it is true.. time heals wounds.. and time gives u experiences and the keys to ur problems

 

[InSearchOfPeople]

Thank you all so much for support *hugs*