I need Opinions

[VanillaCreme]

What I suggested to Nilla earlier. Leave him. Preferably ASAP.

One of those easier said than done things. If it were that easy, this issue would drop to a 1%-er problem. We could all suggest every day what to do, but that doesn't make it any easier to actually follow through with. Seems obvious, and it is and we know it, but feelings aren't always logical.

 

[MisterLonely]

I see this has been mentioned before, but bringing a third person into the relationship might be the key to happiness? Reading between the lines, you are both leading celibate lives - you because your partner is gay and you have no wish to be with anyone else sexually, and him because his shyness and introversion stops him from meeting anyone.

Why not bring a bisexual man into the living arrangements? Maybe a friend at first, someone you can both develop feelings for before delving into the sexual side of things. That way, you are helping your partner explore his sexuality in a safe, supportive way with you at his side and you are being satisfied by being with a man (and hopefully not feeling like you are cheating if the arrangement is three ways). Have you ever discussed something like this with your partner?

I would imagine the situation as it stands right now is frustrating for both of you - physiologically, I think most mature adults crave and need some sort of physical interaction once in a while.

You put this way better to word than I ever could ringwood! 

I'd just like to add the aspect of safety, I think that is very important for the OP, she has named horrible things that where done to her already, with her husband and friend there she would not have to put herself into a position where she's left to the whims of another person all on her own.

 

[Danielle]

I like Ringwoods idea of bringing a bi sexual man into the relationship, but that would require you and your husband to be super comfortable with doing that....

I've read through all the posts and so many people bring up so many great points, and you yourself do as well. You are in a tough situation!

If it were me, I would have a long, honest, open conversation with my husband about what I need in the relationship. Every relationship needs this regardless of what the dynamics are.

Be HONEST. Let him know you love him, and he is your soul mate, and that you do not want to separate from him, but you need more that only someone else can provide. This will open up a conversation with many emotions, from both of you, but one I think you both must defiantly have.

Its important to do this for the both of you. You may be able to find the physical aspect of a fulfilling relationship without having to "cheat" on your husband. There are options, and you need to try and find them together.

I wish you so much luck, it won't be easy, but it is needed.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I thought "attention from a man who wants me" had become patriarchal, oppressive and misogynistic. Moving on..
For your situation, i am afraid to say the truth.

I don't know how I didn't see this before. Enough of your gender has to hate the other gender nonsense. Believe it all you want, but stop bringing that bull here. I think you revel in creating turmoil by expressing your jaded opinions.

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

So I've decided that I'm stupid even thinking the situation I'm in would ever work. I have been so confused with my feelings that I constantly try to convince myself its ok!
He is my best friend, he's not my soul mate........I love him but I also hate him!
But people scare me so much I don't know if I can ever trust that there is anyone else for me....... What the fresia should I do!? I know I need to leave him that's obvious....I wish we could just live as friends for my sons sake. I'm dying right now....

  :club:

Sorry I'm a confused mess people but that's why I'm here right! But your comments and a recent situation has made me realize I'm stupid!

 

[Pathfinder]

My heart goes out to you.

You don't need to respond to these questions, they are just food for thought.

When was the last time you had an open, up front, honest and caring conversation with him about this? Perhaps he is feeling the same way???? . Maybe the family doesn't have to be separated, you can keep your best friend and soul mate, you can both have partners and co parent???

It wouldn't be the first time that ex spouses were best friends that lived together, co parented and had their own relationships It is not unusual for children to have two sets of parents, some of the same gender and some not. If it's a loving, respectful and honest situation, with openness with your child, everyone can move forward with their needs met and have a happy child. There are many support available on how to do this in a healthy and nurturing manner....how to explain to a child....how to support them.

Everything does not always have to be about "stay or go". There is middle ground sometimes that doesn't include suffering in lonely silence - especially when two adults love each other and their child. You don't have to be alone in this. Perhaps you could move forward together.

It's just a thought. What sticks out in what I read is how much you care about each other. Many many do not have that common bond. Only you and he know if it has the potential to work or not.

Regardless...it sounds like you need to find someone impartial to talk to about it. Just to help sort things out in your mind and heart.

Kind thoughts for you.

 

[Nabbit]

Ok so I married a man even though I knew he was gay! Primarily I did this because he is such a kind, caring, adorable human being and I knew despite our differences we would be happy. Previous to him I had been in really abusive relationships resulting in near death! Which is probably why I opted for something different...... We had a child together early in our relationship ( He's not Bi ) because we wanted a family together. And so far its been almost 10 years. And its happy, and not abusive.

BUT I'm soooooo lonely and because we don't have sex or any other intimacy (Sorry TMI LOL) I no longer feel like a woman, I feel empty. He has always told me I can see other guys, but I've always felt like I want to be faithful to him like I know he is with me ( He is a total introvert )

WHY IS LIFE SO COMPLICATED!

What do I do???? I long for some attention from a man who wants me as a woman.

I need opinions please ( And friends!!!)

I would go and have sex with some random dude to fulfill your need for sexual intimacy, but keep the marriage. You did discuss it with your husband and if he seems okay with it, then it shouldn't be a problem.

The only thing keeping you back are your own standards for yourself, and you should question why they're there. You're in a unique situation that's different from most people. The traditional rules for marriage, and thinking that having sex with someone else means you don't love you husband, doesn't apply in your situation.

I also think the people here are putting sex on a pedestal, as if the only way a marriage is sound is if sex is involved. Bullshit. Love is more than just sex.

 

[kamya]

Ok so I married a man even though I knew he was gay! Primarily I did this because he is such a kind, caring, adorable human being and I knew despite our differences we would be happy. Previous to him I had been in really abusive relationships resulting in near death! Which is probably why I opted for something different...... We had a child together early in our relationship ( He's not Bi ) because we wanted a family together. And so far its been almost 10 years. And its happy, and not abusive.

BUT I'm soooooo lonely and because we don't have sex or any other intimacy (Sorry TMI LOL) I no longer feel like a woman, I feel empty. He has always told me I can see other guys, but I've always felt like I want to be faithful to him like I know he is with me ( He is a total introvert )

WHY IS LIFE SO COMPLICATED!

What do I do???? I long for some attention from a man who wants me as a woman.

I need opinions please ( And friends!!!)

I would go and have sex with some random dude to fulfill your need for sexual intimacy, but keep the marriage. You did discuss it with your husband and if he seems okay with it, then it shouldn't be a problem.

The only thing keeping you back are your own standards for yourself, and you should question why they're there. You're in a unique situation that's different from most people. The traditional rules for marriage, and thinking that having sex with someone else means you don't love you husband, doesn't apply in your situation.

I also think the people here are putting sex on a pedestal, as if the only way a marriage is sound is if sex is involved. Bullshit. Love is more than just sex.

Honestly the main difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship is sex so I don't really think anyone is putting anything on a pedestal.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Ok so I married a man even though I knew he was gay! Primarily I did this because he is such a kind, caring, adorable human being and I knew despite our differences we would be happy. Previous to him I had been in really abusive relationships resulting in near death! Which is probably why I opted for something different...... We had a child together early in our relationship ( He's not Bi ) because we wanted a family together. And so far its been almost 10 years. And its happy, and not abusive.

BUT I'm soooooo lonely and because we don't have sex or any other intimacy (Sorry TMI LOL) I no longer feel like a woman, I feel empty. He has always told me I can see other guys, but I've always felt like I want to be faithful to him like I know he is with me ( He is a total introvert )

WHY IS LIFE SO COMPLICATED!

What do I do???? I long for some attention from a man who wants me as a woman.

I need opinions please ( And friends!!!)

I would go and have sex with some random dude to fulfill your need for sexual intimacy, but keep the marriage. You did discuss it with your husband and if he seems okay with it, then it shouldn't be a problem.

The only thing keeping you back are your own standards for yourself, and you should question why they're there. You're in a unique situation that's different from most people. The traditional rules for marriage, and thinking that having sex with someone else means you don't love you husband, doesn't apply in your situation.

I also think the people here are putting sex on a pedestal, as if the only way a marriage is sound is if sex is involved. Bullshit. Love is more than just sex.

Honestly the main difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship is sex so I don't really think anyone is putting anything on a pedestal.

I don't think it's sex so much as intimacy.  But yeah, there's no sex pedestal in this thread.  If one wanted to make that argument, however, there are several threads that one could, very easily.

And to Nabbit....Love isn't always enough to make it work and there's a difference between platonic love and romantic love.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Honestly the main difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship is sex so I don't really think anyone is putting anything on a pedestal.

It's possible to have sex with a friend.

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

I could just go and randomly have one night stands with local guys, but I know that ultimately wont satisfy my needs. I need romantic love which yes is totally different than just love, and the feeling of actually being wanted by someone as this has not happened for a very very very long time!

I know what I want now.......I want someone else. BUT if I can do that whilst still co parenting under the same roof as my husband then that is the best solution. I don't mean bring another guy into my home, I mean me having my own space away I suppose a bit like an affair but it wont be an affair!!!! Holy crap this is complicated to explain.

Anyway I've put myself out there, I guess time will tell what happens!

 

[TheRealCallie]

It sounds like you want to have two different lives. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, and him and your child.

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

It  sounds like you want to have two different lives.  You're putting too much pressure on yourself, and him and your child

No I haven't spoken to him about this to him for a long time....Just opened up on here! So no pressure at all at home, just normal everyday life!

I wouldn't EVER involve my child in any of my problems until absolutely necessary! I'm a good Mom and wife to my husband! Comments like that just make me want to turtle!

 

[TheRealCallie]

It  sounds like you want to have two different lives.  You're putting too much pressure on yourself, and him and your child

No I haven't spoken to him about this to him for a long time....Just opened up on here! So no pressure at all at home, just normal everyday life!

I wouldn't EVER involve my child in any of my problems until absolutely necessary! I'm a good Mom and wife to my husband! Comments like that just make me want to turtle!

No, you misunderstand what I was saying.  You're going all what if right now, which is putting pressure on you to figure out what to do.  In the process of you doing it, it will have some kind of negative impact on your life, even if that is just stemming from stress of trying to figure it all out, which will impact your husband and your child, whether you involve them in your thought process or not.  They will see it, they will sense that something is wrong.  I never have and don't plan to insinuate that you are a bad mother. 

But I do stand by what I said.  You can't have two different lives, even if you bring in another man or have a "love pad" of your own away from the house for a "boyfriend" or whatever, it will still impact your life with your husband and your child. 

My opinion, from what you've said so far is that you want to stay married out of obligation and possibly out of fear of what may or may not happen if you divorce him.  If you stay, even if you have someone on the side, you will likely become resentful....If you leave, you will likely feel guilty.

 

[user 139760]

It's possible to have sex with a friend.

Indeed it is.
But in the end...is it still a friend?
I've personally lost a friendship this way. I blame myself, I should have known better.
It's not something just ANY two people can pull off and still remains friends, just pointing that out. It takes a certain mindset. And there are risks.

 

[kamya]

pla·ton·ic
pləˈtänik/Submit
adjective
(of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual.

Sex is literally the only difference. =P

If you aren't ******* it's platonic.

Whether or not some people fresia their friends has nothing to do with it. I don't know why people always try to make points that don't actually negate anything that has been said, as if it's somehow related. It's always the same people too.

 

[smarty24]

Ok so I married a man even though I knew he was gay! Primarily I did this because he is such a kind, caring, adorable human being and I knew despite our differences we would be happy. Previous to him I had been in really abusive relationships resulting in near death! Which is probably why I opted for something different...... We had a child together early in our relationship ( He's not Bi ) because we wanted a family together. And so far its been almost 10 years. And its happy, and not abusive.

BUT I'm soooooo lonely and because we don't have sex or any other intimacy (Sorry TMI LOL) I no longer feel like a woman, I feel empty. He has always told me I can see other guys, but I've always felt like I want to be faithful to him like I know he is with me ( He is a total introvert )

WHY IS LIFE SO COMPLICATED!

What do I do???? I long for some attention from a man who wants me as a woman.

I need opinions please ( And friends!!!)

Huh, bad situation. Only solution is from my point of view: he told you can see other guys, the do it!