I need to get this off my chest.

[aspalas]

PS: My English isn't bad, but sometimes I'm having a hard time expressing myself in English, sorry for that.

Hi everyone,

I posted a thread here a while ago, and I'm feeling so messed up right now that I decided to post another thread explaining my situation. Prepare for a long story.

Last year lots of things have happend. I was very ill for about 3 months, and because of this I was forced to go from the highest level of (high school) education in my country to the "average" level (just for one year) even though this is beneath my level. Also had a bit of a drug problem, but at this moment I rarely use drugs. I'll come back to this later.

This is what bothers me the most at the moment. Since september 2011 I've been in (and out of) love with a girl from my old school. She rejected me once in december 2011, after that I tried and succeeded in not caring about it. In may we went to Turkey on a school trip, and she started flirting with me. I fell in love again. We became friends again, after I ignored her in order to forget her. For months we were hanging out a lot, but she's very unclear. Sometimes it seemed like she loved me, sometimes she payed no attention at all. For the record, I don't think she did/does this on purpose, she is a shy, sweet girl who hasn't even kissed a guy yet.

After the summer we went out a couple of times, and she said very sweet things to me, she really seemed to try to make clear she liked me, but other times she acted like she didn't like me at all, and her friends didn't know it either. In november we went to a the XX concert together, I somehow found the courage to wrap my arms around her and she didn't try to reject me or something, so I thought this might be the moment I've been waiting for so long. Well, I didn't have the courage to kiss her, but I had a good feeling about this. I've seen her a couple of times after that, but somehow we kind of lost contact, and I was fine with it (now I'm reading this I'm not sure why I didn't take my chances, I feel like a total moron). I'm on another school now, so I rarely see her at the moment. I've also lost contact with a lot of "friends" I had on my old school, they don't seem to care about me anymore, so now I see her even less (never, actually).

I've tried to put her behind me, to just get over it, and sometimes I think I'm over her, but I'm not. Today for example, it occured to me that I hadn't thought about her that much for days, even though she contacted me a week ago and we're texting a little at the moment. I thought I was over her. I pictured her in my head, and I thought "she isn't that beautiful, I don't really care that much about her anymore". I imagined her kissing someone who isn't me and I didn't care. I don't know why, but I felt empty, and it felt good. I couldn't believe I actually was over her, so I decided to look at her facebook page (I don't know why I did this, it seemed like a good idea) to be sure. I went trough her profile pictures, and then it struck me; I'm not over her at all. Now I feel terrible. Even though sometimes I was entirely sure that she loved me (and now I'm writing this I could shoot myself for not just trying to kiss her), I always had the feeling she didn't love me. My brain said yes but my heart said no. This is why I didn't take my chances I guess.

I think that's because I've never loved a girl that also loved me. When I was 13 a girl rejected me, when I was 15 a girl rejected me, and when I was 16 a girl rejected me. This makes me very insecure, even though I'm pretty confident guy. I'm pretty sure I'm not ugly or annoying, but somehow I'm never lucky when it comes to love. I'm scared to be in love, because I don't want to feel the pain of a broken heart, so I just don't even try anymore I guess. The problem is that I've never loved someone as much as this girl, I think this is the first time that I'm really in love. Even though I tried to protect myself against this horrible feeling, I've never felt worse. I can't get her out of my head, and I can't forgive myself for not taking my chances when I could.

We're having contact again, and if I want to I think I can "restore" our friendship, I might still have a shot (What would you guys suggest me to do? Forget her or taking the shot?).

That's only one part of the reason why I feel helpless at the moment. As I said, I've lost many friends from my old school. They don't contact me anymore, and don't have time to hang out when I ask (some of them do, but most of them don't). I do have some (older) friends, I go out with them every week, but besides that I rarely see them. I hardly go to my new school, and most of the people there are not my type, so I haven't made any friends there either (it's a school for adults (mostly people between 18-20) who don't have their diploma btw, I'm there for 1 year to get mine, because I was sick for so long, I'm 18 atm).

Also, my parents divorced, my dad is depressed and suicidal, hates his job, and I don't have any contact with my mom anymore because I don't want to see her (she hasn't been a good mother). I honestly don't care about my mother, I don't even know where she lives. I do care about my dad, but I think there's nothing I can do to help him. I try to be as nice and helpful as possible, but I also try to remain "distant", so it doesn't hurt that much if he actually commits suicide. I've spoken with a doctor and a psychologist about this, they recommended to focus on my own life, and try not to think about this situation too much. It works a little, but I still feel very sad and upset about this whole situation.

The last thing I want to get off my chest is my drug use (please note, I'm not addicted to anything). between december and august 2012 I used a lot of speed and XTC. They both make you feel happy for a short time, but when the effect is gone you feel really messed up and depressed (only if you use it a lot, a couple of times a month or more). The last time I used XTC I felt so horrible afterwards, that I drove to a railroad and stood there thinking about killing myself. That was the moment I realised I had to stop with this stuff, because even though I'm not happy, I'm not suicidal (even though I think about suicide occationally) either, that's the drugs. I've used XTC one time after that, in december 2012. Luckily I didn't feel so depressed afterwards this time, but I've really learned my lesson, I'm not going to use it more than 2 or 3 times a year. I sometimes use ketamine now (a whole different drug), which actually works as an anti-depressant (proven by scientists). I used to do drugs every week, now once a month max. It became kind of a habit (for me and the people I go out with), I'm trying to make drug use an exception.

That's all I wanted to tell. If you have anything to say, please do. If you have a suggestion about that girl, I'd like to hear it. Thanks everyone.

 

[Rosebolt]

Heey, having read your "long story" i feel for you.

First off, do not blame yourself for not kissing her when you wanted to, if your heart told you not to, it was probably best not too.

About giving it a shot or not, i would personally give it a shot, but i don't know if that would be the "smartest idea." But then again i guess this isn't about being smart is it, it's about feelings.

It's pretty normal for people to move on i guess after you go to a different school, it's good that you still have contact with some of them though, i hope it helps you.

I understand how you feel about your mom, mine isn't the nicest of moms either most of the time, though it's not as bad as your mom, but i understand the way you feel about it. About your dad, i guess that what the docters are saying is true, but that doesn't make it easy. However you said yourself you have tried this too, to keep some distance in case he does things, to keep yourself from being hurt too much. But he's still your dad of course, i know that it's not easy to simply focus on yourself.

I personally didn't do any drugs so i won't say anything about that as it won't help.

I'm not sure if this helped in any way, i hope it did. You can always message me if you want talk okay? I'm there for you!

 

[painter's radio]

If you want love you have to risk your heart being broken. If it feels right to you then go for it, but if it doesn't then it probably isn't right for you. You most likely will have your heart broken a couple of times, but that's life.

I'd never advise someone to take those drugs, but I can advise, please, if you're going to take them, make sure you're in the right frame of mind for it. Taking them to feel good when you're low will only amplify the lowness on the comedown. You know this. I also don't buy into the defense of Ketamine scientifically proven to help depression. In some cases, it may. Though it's probably not administered up the nose in large quantities at a party. Ecstacy unleashes Seratonin in the brain - the same way SSRI's/antidepressants work. Is either one really good for us though? As a last resort, perhaps.

If things aren't/haven't worked between you and this girl, get on with your life, concentrate on yourself, you will meet someone new soon.

 

[NoRain]

Im a sucker for helping people with their love lives, so here it goes:

The safest thing to do would be to walk away, forget about the girl and move on with your life. Im saying safest because you'd know exactly what you'd feel about it and what would happen.
But... from what I could gather of your post, you and this girl.. it wasnt just a little fling, or something that lasted a short period of time. The fact that you two keep getting back in touch means something. Im saying that because I've had a best friend for 8 years, and no matter how many times I tried walking away because he hurt me or when we start growing apart, we always find our way back to each other. (Ive been feeling for a while that he doesnt care about me anymore, but if I said that I'd never talk to him again because of this, it would be a BIG, FAT lie.)
So personally, I think you should give it a shot. I guess deep down if you don't, you'll always wonder 'what if?' and I think its best to do something rather than live with regret. You also have to consider that she probably was afraid of getting hurt as well, thats why you thought that sometimes she didnt like you, she was afraid to show it. She probably did try to forget you as well, but like I said, the fact that she contacted you again even though you're apart and dont even go to the same school anymore means something. And I dont think thats the type of something that you'd just want to throw away

 

[aspalas]

Thanks NoRain, your post is actually realle helpful. Haven't visited this forum for a while but a lot has happened the past few weeks.

Well, 2 weeks ago the following happened. I kind of decided to let go of her, and a very good friend of hers (I'll call this friend S) asked me out, and since she's a pretty hot girl I decided to say yes, we would go out, have a couple of drinks and then go to a techno party (I had a couple of free tickets from a friend who is a DJ). She apparently told this girl(I'll call the girl I like P), and she asked me if she could join us, I said yes. After we had some drinks we went to this techno party and it became clear S wasn't interested in me but just wanted to go out. I had great fun with P while S was socialising.

S asked me, in presence of P, if I ever hooked up with girls at techno parties (I always go to techno parties, love the ambiance and music and obviously the drug use that goes along with this, haven't used anything for almost 2 months now btw), I said well I've hooked up with someone once, but a long time ago, which is true. S then gave me this vague hint: "well, this would be a perfect night to hook up with someone" and she looked at P and then P and I made short eyecontact too. It seemed like she wanted to set us up, and It seemed like P was indeed in to me. I couldn't find the courage to do this unfortunately, I was kind of overwhelmed by what she just said. We did have a great night and I drove her home. We had a lot of contact trough whatsapp and facebook, but I soon lost my optimism.

I'll try to explain what she does (I hope I'll be able to express myself properly in English). On Facebook chat and Whatsapp we frequently contact eachother, but she acts really weird. Sometimes she's very enthousiastic about everything and we have fun conversations, but sometimes she just doesn't respond to me anymore in the middle of a conversation, or she reacts really desinterested. I really don't know why this is, and it really makes me feel messed up when she does this, but maybe I'm just "overreacting" and maybe this isn't that big of a deal.

I'll go on with my story. I saw her last friday again. There was this event at my old school where people could perform with their bands. I decided to go because I knew she would be there and it would be nice to see my old friends again. When she (P) saw me she was talking to S. She seemed really happy to see me and S looked at P with a expression that said: "go for it". We had a fun night but nothing happened unfortunately (and at a school where I know almost everyone I don't have the guts to try something anyway), but I was very optimistic again. The next day (yesterday) I decided to contact her trough whatsapp, but our conversation didn't last long because as I explained before she was acting very strange and after about 5 minutes of chatting the conversation went dead. Haven't spoken her since then and my optimism has obviously faded away again.

I just don't know what to do about this. She makes me go trough an emotional rollercoaster by being so vague and inconsistent, I really don't like it, so I kind of need an opinion on this. Do you guys think she likes me or not, and why does she act so strange on Facebook and whatsapp?


I do have decided to give it a shot, I've set a deadline at the end of February. I'll send her an anonymous card on Valentine's day and I'll obviously put a clear hint in it. She's on vacation from the 16th till the 23rd but after that I'll just pull myself together and ask if she want's to grab a drink sometime and I think I'll just tell her that I like her and that I feel tension between us. If you guys have any feedback, don't hesitate to post a reply.


Besides this girl it's going pretty okay for the cirumstances.

I've contacted my mom after a huge fight with my dad, I hope some day I'll have a normal relationship with my mother. My dad isn't doing that good at the moment, he has his good and his bad weeks. I try not to worry about him but it's pretty hard, sometimes we really have messed up fights about nothing, especially in the weekends because he tends to drink a lot on friday and saturday. He tells me he doesn't want to live anymore and all that stuff, it's really messed up. Last week this happend for instance but he apologized the next day. Still I try to avoid him as much as possible because I just don't want to have to worry about him, I've got enough to worry about myself.

I've also had an admission for Art school last friday and that went very well and I'm sure they won't reject me, they seemed to be very impressed by me. Well, that's all for today.

 

[Misanthrope23]

play Mad Father. now there's a dad that's crazy. he's a doctor that cuts up body parts and preserves people like dolls hahaha!!! XD

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Hey there aspalas.

Read your posts. Personally I'd suggest trying to be more guarded and restrained with your emotions when it comes to this girl, and possibly girls in general.

It's clear you've known her for a long time and find her attractive. However, the fatal mistake you must not make is to attribute "love" to her, or give her other lofty qualities that she doesn't really deserve from you until she has a solid romantic connection with you.

I'll give you an example: in my life there was a girl I liked since I was 13. She's still in my life now, and I'm 22. All that time I've thought she's sweet, and all that time she hasn't gone out with anyone. I remember getting myself really worked up and upset when I was about 17 because I was too shy to ask her out and I thought I would never see her again. I was overweight at the time and so had basically no confidence.

Well, I transformed myself since then, and about 3 months ago when we met again I finally got the courage to ask her out. She was all flirty with me and everything, and she said yes. Anyway, after that she didn't show any interest in the actual meet-up again, so it didn't happen. Yet she still acts really friendly and sometimes I catch her looking at me or acting as if she finds me attractive, it's weird.

Fast forward 3 months and I have a different girl that seems genuinely really interested in me, and the difference is palpable.

What were the big lessons I learned?

1. I didn't "love" that first girl, to think like that is completely ridiculous. I had an emotional attachment based on my expectations of what sort of girl she was, that was all. I let it spiral until it was unrealistic.

2. She is clearly inexperienced with guys and isn't good at dealing with them, to the extent that she's probably very unsure about her feelings and relationships in general. I shouldn't feel bad about that, it's her area to improve on.

3. A girl who really, genuinely likes me and is worth my time will give me a solid return on the effort I put into getting to know her. There will be no "games" or will-they-won't-they silliness. It'll just happen.

---

Now, back to your post: it sounds to me that she just wants a one night stand with you or something. She must find you attractive or she wouldn't have given you that blatant come-on, but that doesn't necessarily mean she wants a proper relationship (which seems to be what you want).

Of course, I don't know the girl, but you've known her ages and the fact that nothing *really* substantial has happened between you both in that time indicates to me that she's either not very emotionally empathic or she likes playing games with you.

Both are good reasons to move on with your life and find a girl worthy of your time instead of spending emotional energy wondering what she's playing at.

Alternatively, next time you're together just tell her that you really like her. It could be that you've taken so long to actually express it that she's getting fed up with it (hence the disinterest in you online). Just be aware that you might get hurt, even if she likes you back, based on her behaviour.

---

Also, I'm sure you're doing your best to cut back on the drugs, but I highly recommend doing that too. Studying drug synthesis and medicinal applications at the moment and yeah...I'm personally convinced recreational drug use screws you up in the long-term. Well done on kicking the Ecstacy though

Good luck!

 

[aspalas]

Thanks. She's on vacation now for a week but the next time I see her I'll just tell her that I like her, already decided that. I'm fed up with this, I just want to move on, either with her or without her. Even if she rejects me I guess it will be a relief. Oh and btw, I've known her for about 2 years, not very long .

I must say that I'm doing pretty well in general right now, I feel good, most things go relatively well and I'm excited about my future. I don't even think about this girl very often anymore. I've actually met a girl just over a week ago at this admission for art school. The second I saw her I felt this connection and we've talked a lot there. I've got her phone number but she lives relatively far away (a 30 minute train ride ). I actually find myself thinking about her a lot in the past days. If things don't work out I might just ask her out.

I don't really now what I'm feeling right now to be honest, but it feels kinda good. I'm at peace with the possibility that I can't get into a relationship with this girl. I'm actually not even sure whether I want a relationship. I don't know if I want to be bound to one person, I don't know if she's the right person, and she's part of a history I want to leave behind. Still I'll just let her know I like her.

.