I stopped believing in myself

[somber_radiance]

I'm falling apart emotionally. I've become an emotional mess..and I can't seem to fall asleep.
Whenever something good happens...I just think it's luck....if I do well in a project/assignment or on a test....I think its the professor being nice on grading. Whenever something bad happens...I am the only one at fault...and the other party confirms it by blaming it all on me.
I keep hurting and disappointing people that cared for me. I'm tired of hurting others.
Everyone has a trigger right? If I don't come out of this depression on the right side...I'm going to turn psycho....it's in my genes...40% chance.
I don't want to kill myself...but I feel like I don't belong in this world...I don't deserve to be part of anymore people's lives.

 

[Masson]

Why make yourself suffer because of others ? How can you say you don't belong in this world because of others ? I think the world sucks and that people suck but I would never want to die , heck its other people who should leave this planet (not die ) because they destroy it. Thats how you should be thinking , I can relate to 85% of what you said but I'm not going to make my life miserable because of others even though thats how it is for me with my S.A. for now but you have a choice , make the right one and stop putting such things to heart.

 

[IambicBlonde]

That sucks. Do you remember when this all began? I go through funks all the time where I have zero energy, and whenever I talk to the people in my life the words come out all foggy and the opposite of what I intended. When that happens I just stay away from people enough for me to focus on re-connecting with what I like/what I do/what makes me happy. And then I inch back towards being around people. It's slow-going but eventually I return to how I was. I dunno if that would work for you. I have to ask though, before things started to unravel were you really happy around all these people? There's a lot of reasons for what could be happening. It's hard to say without knowing your background. Perhaps talking about it more on here would help/enlighten.

 

[somber_radiance]

Thank you both for your responses.

I'm in a much clearer (less depressed) state of mind now, but this is still an issue I want to tackle/talk about. I don't know why...but I just don't take it very well when people in my life get mad, upset, or disappointed with me. Usually these are people I care about...or care to please (sadly I'm a people please...can't deny it).

Masson:
That's definitely a better way to look at things...and I'm glad I'm not alone

IambicBlonde:
Yes, these are people I am usually happy around. One or two of them have the ability to turn a bad day good. Maybe that's why it hurts so much when they turn on me...its like I'm betrayed.

I think it all happened with my first kiss >.> It was quite a while ago...but I think that was like...the first chapter of the story of my life. Um...long story short, I had "ugly duckling syndrome," moved on to depending too on my looks to meet people (especially guys), became a borderline slut/freak. It's all fun at first, then I realized how empty the "connections" were. I tried to fix myself up, and then I failed a bunch of job interviews (while all my classmates didn't) before I found a job with a really small, but nice firm. Then there was a lot of family drama and financial troubles mixed in. I think those were the major events that pushed me into depression.

I guess my self-esteem never totally recovered. I've become a lot more touchy...if I'm not in the right mood and someone starts joking around with me (you know, like harmless teasing) I snap and get really offended and react in anger...thus creating drama, making my friends think WTF?! Recently, drama with two guy friends led me to several days (on and off) of just suddenly bursting into tears and crying in my room and contemplating ways to die that don't mar my looks >.> Hey, dying young and beautiful sounds kinda appealing...kidding One of them reconciled with me...which helped me feel better...but the other remains estranged.

It's weird...I feel like a couple years ago, I could have easily just "dusted myself off" and walked away from these situations without such strong emotional reactions. In fact, I would have thrown in witty remarks or made jokes of the situation. But, my pride has become so fragile....

 

[MadMonkè]

ugly duckling syndrome?

is that when you first think you are honeysuckle, then realize you are the honeysuckle. and then not giving a honeysuckle to loose all the good honeysuckle and end up feeling like honeysuckle in a pile of your own honeysuckle?

yeah... same here... lifes shitting me... like litterally.

---

I'm glad you found a new perspective tho...

in more ways than 1, life's reality is in the perspective.

 

[David1985]

Those snapping outburst must be a very frustrating problem. You should tell your friends ahead of time when your in one of your moods. So they'll know to avoid stuff that can cause an outburst. Otherwise they'll always be on pins and needles around you, not sure if your spontaneously going to explode.

Yes, these are people I am usually happy around. One or two of them have the ability to turn a bad day good. Maybe that's why it hurts so much when they turn on me...its like I'm betrayed.

It doesn't sound like their betraying you. Like your friend hasn't talked since latest outburst, he's confused, scared. He doesn't know how to handle himself around you. Another reason to tell friends about mood. He's trying to piece together what's going on in his mind and he's struggling.

You should try a emotion/logic chart. Left Column describe events that happen, ie did good on test. Then in middle what is your natural reaction, it was just luck or nice teacher. Then on right column just factual, no emotions. Luck could have played a small role, just most due to your ability. Every time you get a test that might favor you, you'll get one later that doesn't. It evens out. Professor unlikely to pick out students to be extra nice to.

The middle is your emotions speaking. The right is factual or logic. Or the right could be what you'd tell her friend in a similar situation. If your friend got an A your unlikely to say "Oh, the professor was just being nice."

It's weird...I feel like a couple years ago, I could have easily just "dusted myself off" and walked away from these situations without such strong emotional reactions. In fact, I would have thrown in witty remarks or made jokes of the situation. But, my pride has become so fragile....

Or you might be beaten down by your struggles. Being in pain can wear you down, so you don't have that extra energy deep down that you used to.

I remember in my senior year of high school some people started bullying me. Before I'd easily have gotten them to stop. Just I was pretty depressed at the time and felt like I was giving all my strength just to get through the day. That I didn't have any extra energy.

 

[somber_radiance]

Those snapping outburst must be a very frustrating problem. You should tell your friends ahead of time when your in one of your moods. So they'll know to avoid stuff that can cause an outburst. Otherwise they'll always be on pins and needles around you, not sure if your spontaneously going to explode.
It doesn't sound like their betraying you. Like your friend hasn't talked since latest outburst, he's confused, scared. He doesn't know how to handle himself around you. Another reason to tell friends about mood. He's trying to piece together what's going on in his mind and he's struggling.

Okay..maybe I made it sound like I blow up like a ticking bomb. ...I don't. I blew up maybe twice. Once, it was received favorably because the guy I was seeing at the time was oddly turned on by my cussing. Another time, it was on IM with an old friend I haven't seen/talked to in years. Usually, I just become irritable and tell people I don't want to be bothered/I want to be left alone before I walk away. But yea...I guess it's an outburst nonetheless.

It's when they get mad at me and don't tell me/can't tell me why that I feel betrayed. Also...people spreading things I confided in them pisses me off to...especially when I made it clear I didn't want them to share it with anyone. There are certain people I've labeled as "gossip queens/kings" and I stay away from telling them too much.

Or you might be beaten down by your struggles. Being in pain can wear you down, so you don't have that extra energy deep down that you used to.

I remember in my senior year of high school some people started bullying me. Before I'd easily have gotten them to stop. Just I was pretty depressed at the time and felt like I was giving all my strength just to get through the day. That I didn't have any extra energy.

It seems like the drama gets worse as I age. Back in high school...there was drama, but I was so out of the loop. Even if I caused it...I wasn't aware of it...or I found it interesting/entertaining. People were quicker to forgive and move on back then. Now, I've been meeting more stubborn people that really hold onto grudges. Maybe it's because we are all beaten down from 20+ years of walking the earth.

 

[David1985]

It could be a way of unleashing stress. If someone's boss is a jerk, that person can't do anything about it, so stress can build. That person can take his anger out at other people. Holding a grudge can do that.

I remember reading a book a couple years ago. Something in it made me really angry. A couple weeks later I realized I read that in the past and it didn't bother me then. Couldn't figure it out.

It was due to built up stress and frustration. I had stress that I wasn't totally aware of and it must of been a way of subconscious dealing with it. This has happened a few times, getting angry over nothing.

I thought if I had real problems in my life I could brush it aside, don't think about it. Well my subconscious didn't forget.

 

[Sci-Fi]

ugly duckling syndrome?

is that when you first think you are honeysuckle, then realize you are the honeysuckle. and then not giving a honeysuckle to loose all the good honeysuckle and end up feeling like honeysuckle in a pile of your own honeysuckle?

yeah... same here... lifes shitting me... like litterally.

---

I'm glad you found a new perspective tho...

in more ways than 1, life's reality is in the perspective.

---

You just wanted to see how many times you could use the word honeysuckle, didn't you.

Somber, you seem to think the same way I do. When good things happen it just has to be luck. Do you normally feel like bad things happen to you more than good? You probably do. Then it seems like the better things go that there's this impending doom of something really bad that will happen and it usually just knocks you right down, even when it's not. Try focusing on the good things and enjoying them, you do deserve them, everyone does. When bad things happen or things don't go great we gotta remember that we just had a string of luck. Nothing ever stays perfect forever, you take the good, you take the bad...and I'm going to stop there before I break out into song.

 

[MadMonkè]

^^ I thought I was writing a poem... XD

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Well I have never believed in myself. Everything is just luck for me. Much like you when things go wrong is it because of me. There is no good for me. I am just waiting to die. In the mean time I am going to just let myself be used until it kills me. That is all that garbage can do right?