I want to beat the crap out of my father

[mancaughtweak]

Okay.. Just to be clear. I am not about to go and commit a crime or in any way hurt my father.

I just wanted to dive in to some very frustrating emotions I have regarding my relationship with my father. I'm doing this hoping that some of you will be able to relate to what I'm saying to some degree and maybe give me some advice on how to better my relationship with my father?

For those of you who expected to read about violence, I do fantasize about being violent towards him so I will not entirely disappoint you. But more about that later.

The issues I have with my father revolve around career, and in order to understand this whole thing you will probably need some background information about some differences between him and me.

My father is an engineer and although we haven't talked much about his motivations and what he enjoys about his work, it seems to me that the problem solving process in the very technical type of work that he does is a great source of pleasure for him. He works a lot and always has. His career has also involved some traveling. He has always taken pride in being a good employee and a great asset to his employer, and I really admire him for putting his whole heart in to his work. It's something I'll strive to do in my career as well.

I on the other hand really want to help people. I want the contact with people to a part of my work, and I want my work to help people in some way. I have a hard time understanding how the technical stuff alone can be fulfilling for him. I don't think I'd ever be satisfied with working for a company that didn't produce something that I would have an interest in buying myself or something that helped people solve a problem of some sort. Preferably I would like to help people achieve something I have struggled with myself.

I also prioritize freedom very highly and I hate the idea of being an employee that signs over the most his days to work for a company and the company's interests. I

want to put my work in to a project of my own and run my own business. The idea of wanting my own business also comes from some of the things I saw growing up that were results of my father's career choices.

Don't get me wrong. I consider my childhood a happy one, and I admire and love my father for many of his qualities especially his parenting skills. Especially when looking at some of the other men in my family i feel really grateful that my father was the one I ended up with .

But the issue I remember as being the one that caused the most frustration in my childhood home was how my much time my father devoted to his company. It caused many frustration with my mother because she felt prioritized lower than my father's employer, which caused a lot of tension in the family at times, which obviously affected us kids as well.

I don't have some illusion that running a business is not hard work, but I need that hard work to be about building a business of my own not somebody else's business. I would feel stupid if I devoted my work life to an employer the way my father did.

I have tons of other reasons why I want to have a business of my own and I could go on forever, but the point I wanted to get across here is just that I have very strong reason for wanting a work life very different than my father's.


This obviously causes some misunderstandings between us and I often feel that my father doesn't understand me and even worse, it feels as if he doesn't try to either. When he tries to give advice about study and career, he gives advice of how to accomplish something similar to what he has accomplished. And when I tell him about my motivations for starting a business of my own, he tells me about all the positive aspects of being an employer as if the intention is to talk me out of having a business.

This makes me incredibly frustrated at times because it makes me feel that he is not proud of me for being me. That he will only be proud of me for our similarities (and there are very few of those when we look at what we want for our careers). It makes me feel that he considers me a failure unless I follow a life path similar to his.

It's such a great source of pain to me which causes me to have feelings of blame towards him. It can be more sometimes than others but recently it has been daily, and it pisses me of to a degree where I often imagine having fights with him verbally and sometimes that I kick the honeysuckle out of him as well. It's like some thirst for revenge and wanting him to pay for the pain I have as a result of my relationship with him.

Now, as I said I would never actually be violent towards him but I do feel that I need to talk to him about these things. I need to let him know how I feel because I'm sure he has no idea. But I'm

scared that what it will not be received well. I'm scared that he will go in to defense mode and try to explain himself instead of relly listening and trying to understand me as I feel that he does when we talk career.

I'm also afraid that I will hurt him. I can understand that as a parent you would probably want to be a good role model for your kids, and I'm afraid it will hurt him that I don't really consider him one when it comes to career choices (althoug I do admire aspects of his work life. He has incredible work ethics for example).



Pheew that took some time.. I really appreciate it if you took the time to read the whole thing . Does anyone have some advice on how I go about talking to my father about this? Or have you maybe had a similar situation with a loved one if yours that somehow relates to this?

Thanks

 

[The Good Citizen]

You know certain sections of what you have wrote above summarises how you feel perfectly and show you do respect your father a lot for what he has accomplished. You have a different life view and ambitions which is something you want to explain to your dad and you seem perfectly capable of expressing it based on the above.

Then there is the issue with wanting to physically beat him and that just seems odd, I’m not seeing where that comes from. I mean, from what you wrote he is just giving his advice based on the world as he understands it, which is all anyone can do. I think you have to dig a little deeper to get to the root of the aggression you feel, do you have similar feelings in other aspects of your life or is all this centred at your dad? To me, from what you've wrote, he is just trying to help and probably worked hard to make a life for himself and his family. Maybe he got the work/life balance a bit wrong but it’s easily done, work can chew you up.

Have you worked yet, I'm wondering what age you are? Its good to have set plans and you have some broad idea of what you want to do but nothing set in stone. Maybe give yourself a definite career plan with something in mind and once you have that, then approach your dad and say that is what you want to do. He should respect you for doing your own thing but I'm sure he'll have a lot of experience that you can draw on, don't let everything he says fall on deaf ears. Ultimately though it has to be you that chooses what’s best for you and the path you take, that’s what helps a son step out of his father's shadow, what he probably wants to hear though is that you respect his point of view and appreciate there are things you can learn from him even if you don't want to follow in his footsteps.

 

[mancaughtweak]

Hey man.

Thanks for replying.

I'm 26 and yeah I have worked. I'm studying at the moment. My own experiences working are also part of what motivates me to want to have my own business. I've had a few different types of jobs but the job that has made the largest impression on me when it comes to what I want to do with my future is that I had a semi-leading position in a callcenter once where I among other things helped train new employees and had some responsibilty for maintaining and improving the knowledge among older employees too.

When I had that job I would sometimes find myself not able to let go of something that had happened at work or worrying about something I knew had to be solved the next day after I got home. This is something I've witnessed my dad do lots of times as well. I realize that it's close to impossible to not let work life interfere with your private life if you care about your work but if I'm going to bring work home with me I want it to be for my own business.

About the agression, I hope it shines through that I don't "want" to beat him up in the sense that I actually ever would. What I want is to feel loved and accepted by him inspite our differences in life views and that's what I'm missing. And I think the fact that I don't creates feelings of first frustration and then blame towards him. I perceive the whole thing about imagining arguments and sometimes being violent as a defense mechanism of some sort.

It makes me feel in control and in a more dominating position and thus relieves the pain of the frustration. In the same way that when someone says something to you that hurts you or maybe just makes you look stupid for a couple of seconds and then 5 minutes later you come up with the perfect comeback and it makes you feel a little bit better even though you wihed you would have come up with it when it actually happened. Just taken to a whole new level

I know that he wants to help me and I get that he can't give me advice based on anythin else than what he knows and has experienced, and I think it's great that he wants to. I just feel disrespected sometimes when I get the impression that he is trying to talk me out of starting a business of my own. If I've told someone 5 times that I'm cooking chicken for dinner and they keep sending me a recipe for lasagna it gets annoying at some point (regardless of how good a lasagna recipe it is) I'm obviously kidding, but just to give you an idea of why that bothers me.

Thanks again for stopping by

Thanks again for stopping by.

 

[xrealx]

sorry I meant to sent a private message and not a post. deleting (if it lets me)..

 

[bodafuko]

I wish my father would have worked more. When he was home all he did was beat us. Perspective, it's a wonderful thing.

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi,
From the perspective of a parent, most (good) parents just want their kids to be happy and successful. Your dad probably wants that for you too. His advice isn't good or bad, it's just what he knows. Try out different work situations, see what you like and go with it. I realize his opinion is very important to you and that's ok. Take what he says into thoughtful consideration but in the end, it's your life to live as you see fit.

Teresa

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

Now, as I said I would never actually be violent towards him but I do feel that I need to talk to him about these things. I need to let him know how I feel because I'm sure he has no idea. But I'm

scared that what it will not be received well. I'm scared that he will go in to defense mode and try to explain himself instead of relly listening and trying to understand me as I feel that he does when we talk career.

I'm also afraid that I will hurt him. I can understand that as a parent you would probably want to be a good role model for your kids, and I'm afraid it will hurt him that I don't really consider him one when it comes to career choices (althoug I do admire aspects of his work life. He has incredible work ethics for example).

Pheew that took some time.. I really appreciate it if you took the time to read the whole thing . Does anyone have some advice on how I go about talking to my father about this? Or have you maybe had a similar situation with a loved one if yours that somehow relates to this?

Thanks

Underneath all my anger to my father is resentment and hurt that he never bothered to get to know me or to treat me with respect and love. I understand this wasn't a factor in his upbringing: it was about raising decent kids, to provide them with opportunity, good clothes, food, shelter, and it was enough that he went to work and came home. (edit: I understand this was his form of love and respect, but it wasn't *warm*, and he didn't like to talk to me) I'm glad I had (these material comforts and stability), and I appreciate it, even as I am so aware that there wasn't any father-daughter bonding. Put it this way: he would never be caught dead pushing a stroller, and never babysat me as baby or toddler.

Being an adult, I know I will never get what I want from him. I understand that his values and goals for me are not mine: I am a separate autonomous person. I've learned to use my anger (that I do not subject him to, I just talk it out with other people, write about it, think about it) so I can "grow up", that is, to push past those family-limitations and be my own person.

I've learned not to talk career with him: the economy was much different when he was working, and he really doesn't understand the reality of the situation. I know that I can access those resources on my own, I can seek counsellors and mentors in my line of work who can help me figure out my options.

Don't worry about hurting him. He'll get over it. This is your life, not his.




On a lighter note, who doesn't think about beating up their father?


[video=youtube]

 

[EveWasFramed]

Your father worked a lot and tends to give you advice that you don't like because it goes against what you want for yourself so you want to kick the crap out of him?
Unless there is more to your story than what you've written here, you need to lay off your dad and just do whatever it is you think you need to do.
A lot of people would love to have a dad that worked and bothered to offer advice instead of hitting the skids and leaving them on their own.
You seem to have some unreasonable feelings of bitterness towards him (unless, like I said, there is more to the story).

 

[Milly]

Yeah, I'm struggling to see the big problem here. You fantasize about beating your dad up because he's giving you career advice?

If you're on starting your own business, start it. You're an autonomous adult and ultimately, there's nothing your dad can do to stop you. But without wanting to go over stuff your dad has probably already told you (I don't want you dreaming about beating me up too), starting your own business is HARD and you'll likely have to work much, much harder than you would for an employer. But if you want to do it, just do it.

Your dad's just giving you advice - it might not be what you wanna hear, but I'd be pretty confident that it's just advice rather than some nebulous plan to hold you back in life. When you were a kid and he told you off for crossing the street without looking, he wasn't disrespecting you. It's pretty much a similar principle.

 

[mancaughtweak]

I wish my father would have worked more. When he was home all he did was beat us. Perspective, it's a wonderful thing.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for in regards to my father and I am.

---

Underneath all my anger to my father is resentment and hurt that he never bothered to get to know me or to treat me with respect and love. I understand this wasn't a factor in his upbringing: it was about raising decent kids, to provide them with opportunity, good clothes, food, shelter, and it was enough that he went to work and came home. (edit: I understand this was his form of love and respect, but it wasn't *warm*, and he didn't like to talk to me) I'm glad I had (these material comforts and stability), and I appreciate it, even as I am so aware that there wasn't any father-daughter bonding. Put it this way: he would never be caught dead pushing a stroller, and never babysat me as baby or toddler.

Being an adult, I know I will never get what I want from him. I understand that his values and goals for me are not mine: I am a separate autonomous person. I've learned to use my anger (that I do not subject him to, I just talk it out with other people, write about it, think about it) so I can "grow up", that is, to push past those family-limitations and be my own person.

I've learned not to talk career with him: the economy was much different when he was working, and he really doesn't understand the reality of the situation. I know that I can access those resources on my own, I can seek counsellors and mentors in my line of work who can help me figure out my options.

Don't worry about hurting him. He'll get over it. This is your life, not his.

I think the first couple of lines in this post really gets to the core of why I have these feelings of anger towards my father as well. I have tried many times to convey how important having my own business and it's something I identify with a lot.

So when he advices me to go the "education + good job"- route it feels excactly as what you describe. That he hasn't bothered to get to know me (or at least this part of me)

---

Yeah, I'm struggling to see the big problem here. You fantasize about beating your dad up because he's giving you career advice?

If you're on starting your own business, start it. You're an autonomous adult and ultimately, there's nothing your dad can do to stop you. But without wanting to go over stuff your dad has probably already told you (I don't want you dreaming about beating me up too), starting your own business is HARD and you'll likely have to work much, much harder than you would for an employer. But if you want to do it, just do it.

Your dad's just giving you advice - it might not be what you wanna hear, but I'd be pretty confident that it's just advice rather than some nebulous plan to hold you back in life. When you were a kid and he told you off for crossing the street without looking, he wasn't disrespecting you. It's pretty much a similar principle.

It's not that I dislike him giving me career advice per se. It's more that the advice is not coming from a place of empathy. That it seems he hasn't bothered to understand how much having a business means to me although I feel that I have done my best to try and explain this to him.

Sometimes when we have discussed running a business, he has tried to dsiscourage me from it and has done so with a lot of judgment. At least that how it seems to me, and it hurts me to have him scoff at a desire that I feel so identified with.

I know he wants what's best for me, and that he is not trying to disrespect me, but what hurts me is that he clings on to the assumption that what has been the best for him is also what will be what's best for me although I've tried to explain him that it's not the case.

 

[Lilianna]

Dad's, LOL you gotta love em. He's just set in his ways.

 

[mancaughtweak]

Your father worked a lot and tends to give you advice that you don't like because it goes against what you want for yourself so you want to kick the crap out of him?
Unless there is more to your story than what you've written here, you need to lay off your dad and just do whatever it is you think you need to do.
A lot of people would love to have a dad that worked and bothered to offer advice instead of hitting the skids and leaving them on their own.
You seem to have some unreasonable feelings of bitterness towards him (unless, like I said, there is more to the story).

I think what I wrote above tries to explain your first question. The bitterness has been built up over time, when we have had discussions about the topic. I also adressed this a little in what I wrote above. He doesn't seem to acknowledge the desire I have for running my own business and does not base his advice on the assumption that it's what I want for myself.

I know that lots of people are a lot worse off than me when it comes to relationships with their father and I understand that many people might not be able to relate to this problem, but I do believe that I have tried to explain that I'm grateful for lots of aspects of my relationhip with my father as well.

---

Hi,
From the perspective of a parent, most (good) parents just want their kids to be happy and successful. Your dad probably wants that for you too. His advice isn't good or bad, it's just what he knows. Try out different work situations, see what you like and go with it. I realize his opinion is very important to you and that's ok. Take what he says into thoughtful consideration but in the end, it's your life to live as you see fit.

Teresa

Yeah I know that, that's what my dad wants for me too And I love him for that. It's just that it hurts me that he doesn't seem to understand that what I consider best for me is different than what he considers best for him. And that it sometimes seems that he is eager to convince me that he's right.

 

[Wessik]

I have a similiar, but opposite situation with my own father. Basically, my father doesn't talk much. I, on the other hand, am very linguistically inclined. This has caused friction between me and him, as well as the rest of my family. But such tales are of my adolescence. I am on fairly good terms with my family at the present time. In fact, I find that they have been my only life-line to sanity in these past few months.

What you are experiencing is something that very few westernized adults don't go through. As far as I can tell, if you live in a western country, then you pretty much are destined to have some unresolved conflict or feelings of resentment towards your parents at some point in your life.

Things should work out, though. They usually do.