mancaughtweak
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- Joined
- Dec 12, 2012
- Messages
- 11
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Okay.. Just to be clear. I am not about to go and commit a crime or in any way hurt my father.
I just wanted to dive in to some very frustrating emotions I have regarding my relationship with my father. I'm doing this hoping that some of you will be able to relate to what I'm saying to some degree and maybe give me some advice on how to better my relationship with my father?
For those of you who expected to read about violence, I do fantasize about being violent towards him so I will not entirely disappoint you. But more about that later.
The issues I have with my father revolve around career, and in order to understand this whole thing you will probably need some background information about some differences between him and me.
My father is an engineer and although we haven't talked much about his motivations and what he enjoys about his work, it seems to me that the problem solving process in the very technical type of work that he does is a great source of pleasure for him. He works a lot and always has. His career has also involved some traveling. He has always taken pride in being a good employee and a great asset to his employer, and I really admire him for putting his whole heart in to his work. It's something I'll strive to do in my career as well.
I on the other hand really want to help people. I want the contact with people to a part of my work, and I want my work to help people in some way. I have a hard time understanding how the technical stuff alone can be fulfilling for him. I don't think I'd ever be satisfied with working for a company that didn't produce something that I would have an interest in buying myself or something that helped people solve a problem of some sort. Preferably I would like to help people achieve something I have struggled with myself.
I also prioritize freedom very highly and I hate the idea of being an employee that signs over the most his days to work for a company and the company's interests. I
want to put my work in to a project of my own and run my own business. The idea of wanting my own business also comes from some of the things I saw growing up that were results of my father's career choices.
Don't get me wrong. I consider my childhood a happy one, and I admire and love my father for many of his qualities especially his parenting skills. Especially when looking at some of the other men in my family i feel really grateful that my father was the one I ended up with .
But the issue I remember as being the one that caused the most frustration in my childhood home was how my much time my father devoted to his company. It caused many frustration with my mother because she felt prioritized lower than my father's employer, which caused a lot of tension in the family at times, which obviously affected us kids as well.
I don't have some illusion that running a business is not hard work, but I need that hard work to be about building a business of my own not somebody else's business. I would feel stupid if I devoted my work life to an employer the way my father did.
I have tons of other reasons why I want to have a business of my own and I could go on forever, but the point I wanted to get across here is just that I have very strong reason for wanting a work life very different than my father's.
This obviously causes some misunderstandings between us and I often feel that my father doesn't understand me and even worse, it feels as if he doesn't try to either. When he tries to give advice about study and career, he gives advice of how to accomplish something similar to what he has accomplished. And when I tell him about my motivations for starting a business of my own, he tells me about all the positive aspects of being an employer as if the intention is to talk me out of having a business.
This makes me incredibly frustrated at times because it makes me feel that he is not proud of me for being me. That he will only be proud of me for our similarities (and there are very few of those when we look at what we want for our careers). It makes me feel that he considers me a failure unless I follow a life path similar to his.
It's such a great source of pain to me which causes me to have feelings of blame towards him. It can be more sometimes than others but recently it has been daily, and it pisses me of to a degree where I often imagine having fights with him verbally and sometimes that I kick the honeysuckle out of him as well. It's like some thirst for revenge and wanting him to pay for the pain I have as a result of my relationship with him.
Now, as I said I would never actually be violent towards him but I do feel that I need to talk to him about these things. I need to let him know how I feel because I'm sure he has no idea. But I'm
scared that what it will not be received well. I'm scared that he will go in to defense mode and try to explain himself instead of relly listening and trying to understand me as I feel that he does when we talk career.
I'm also afraid that I will hurt him. I can understand that as a parent you would probably want to be a good role model for your kids, and I'm afraid it will hurt him that I don't really consider him one when it comes to career choices (althoug I do admire aspects of his work life. He has incredible work ethics for example).
Pheew that took some time.. I really appreciate it if you took the time to read the whole thing . Does anyone have some advice on how I go about talking to my father about this? Or have you maybe had a similar situation with a loved one if yours that somehow relates to this?
Thanks
I just wanted to dive in to some very frustrating emotions I have regarding my relationship with my father. I'm doing this hoping that some of you will be able to relate to what I'm saying to some degree and maybe give me some advice on how to better my relationship with my father?
For those of you who expected to read about violence, I do fantasize about being violent towards him so I will not entirely disappoint you. But more about that later.
The issues I have with my father revolve around career, and in order to understand this whole thing you will probably need some background information about some differences between him and me.
My father is an engineer and although we haven't talked much about his motivations and what he enjoys about his work, it seems to me that the problem solving process in the very technical type of work that he does is a great source of pleasure for him. He works a lot and always has. His career has also involved some traveling. He has always taken pride in being a good employee and a great asset to his employer, and I really admire him for putting his whole heart in to his work. It's something I'll strive to do in my career as well.
I on the other hand really want to help people. I want the contact with people to a part of my work, and I want my work to help people in some way. I have a hard time understanding how the technical stuff alone can be fulfilling for him. I don't think I'd ever be satisfied with working for a company that didn't produce something that I would have an interest in buying myself or something that helped people solve a problem of some sort. Preferably I would like to help people achieve something I have struggled with myself.
I also prioritize freedom very highly and I hate the idea of being an employee that signs over the most his days to work for a company and the company's interests. I
want to put my work in to a project of my own and run my own business. The idea of wanting my own business also comes from some of the things I saw growing up that were results of my father's career choices.
Don't get me wrong. I consider my childhood a happy one, and I admire and love my father for many of his qualities especially his parenting skills. Especially when looking at some of the other men in my family i feel really grateful that my father was the one I ended up with .
But the issue I remember as being the one that caused the most frustration in my childhood home was how my much time my father devoted to his company. It caused many frustration with my mother because she felt prioritized lower than my father's employer, which caused a lot of tension in the family at times, which obviously affected us kids as well.
I don't have some illusion that running a business is not hard work, but I need that hard work to be about building a business of my own not somebody else's business. I would feel stupid if I devoted my work life to an employer the way my father did.
I have tons of other reasons why I want to have a business of my own and I could go on forever, but the point I wanted to get across here is just that I have very strong reason for wanting a work life very different than my father's.
This obviously causes some misunderstandings between us and I often feel that my father doesn't understand me and even worse, it feels as if he doesn't try to either. When he tries to give advice about study and career, he gives advice of how to accomplish something similar to what he has accomplished. And when I tell him about my motivations for starting a business of my own, he tells me about all the positive aspects of being an employer as if the intention is to talk me out of having a business.
This makes me incredibly frustrated at times because it makes me feel that he is not proud of me for being me. That he will only be proud of me for our similarities (and there are very few of those when we look at what we want for our careers). It makes me feel that he considers me a failure unless I follow a life path similar to his.
It's such a great source of pain to me which causes me to have feelings of blame towards him. It can be more sometimes than others but recently it has been daily, and it pisses me of to a degree where I often imagine having fights with him verbally and sometimes that I kick the honeysuckle out of him as well. It's like some thirst for revenge and wanting him to pay for the pain I have as a result of my relationship with him.
Now, as I said I would never actually be violent towards him but I do feel that I need to talk to him about these things. I need to let him know how I feel because I'm sure he has no idea. But I'm
scared that what it will not be received well. I'm scared that he will go in to defense mode and try to explain himself instead of relly listening and trying to understand me as I feel that he does when we talk career.
I'm also afraid that I will hurt him. I can understand that as a parent you would probably want to be a good role model for your kids, and I'm afraid it will hurt him that I don't really consider him one when it comes to career choices (althoug I do admire aspects of his work life. He has incredible work ethics for example).
Pheew that took some time.. I really appreciate it if you took the time to read the whole thing . Does anyone have some advice on how I go about talking to my father about this? Or have you maybe had a similar situation with a loved one if yours that somehow relates to this?
Thanks