I want to believe

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

nevermind

 

[Peaches]

sounds like a plan

 

[9006]

Reminds me of that old X-Files poster:

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

nevermind

 

[9006]

I guess people here are incapable of understanding depression.

All I want to do is sleep. I drink coffee because it keeps me awake. Otherwise, I go back to bed, even if I get 14 hours of sleep.

It was too brief to link to depression like that.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

nevermind

 

[9006]

I suffer from depression every day. I slept until 4pm today, and felt like going back to sleep...the only thing that stopped me was drinking 3 cups of coffee, and it improved my mood. Before that, I felt like crying.

I know it's bad for my heart to drink so much caffeine, but it seems to be the only thing that makes me not curl up in a fetal position.

I'm afraid I didn't know any of this, and it's doubtful that people would read that from you're initial post... unless it's something they already know.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

nevermind

 

[Locke]

Nevermind

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, from what I could get from what 9006 quoted, you assume people just don't understand again? Especially here... I'd give more credit to the people here if I were you. You don't know half of their stories. Some you could probably really relate to, and some would even make you feel better knowing that others go through the same, and also that others make it through. It should be a theme here, but what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, and I think the strength of the people on this forum can testify to that. Whether they realize it or not, they are braver than they want to believe in.

 

[Runciter]

Well, from what I could get from what 9006 quoted, you assume people just don't understand again? Especially here... I'd give more credit to the people here if I were you. You don't know half of their stories. Some you could probably really relate to, and some would even make you feel better knowing that others go through the same, and also that others make it through.

I've got to agree with this, it stinks of narcissism to think that no one can understand what you're going through. What makes you so special?

I sent you a PM of support explaining some of the things we had in common when I first joined here and you never acknowledged it or bothered to reply. Yet you continue treat me, and others, as if I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through. This thread looks like one big cry for help to me but you're completely unwilling to except help.

 

[Locke]

....

 

[ladyforsaken]

Muse, I can't remember this, but do you talk to anyone about your depression issues?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I don't know what to say. This past week has been incredibly difficult, and I've been trying to cope with a lot.

I'll be honest with you all here. Remember that situation with my sister? Well, she moved out, left all her stuff here, and basically cut herself and her 5 kids out of my life.

This has badly wounded me, and I'm trying not to let it. But I've been in those kids lives since they were in diapers, and they were treating me like crap when they lived here. To have them first treat me and my mom like dirt, and then leave us in a filthy house, that they created, is unbelievable. I'm trying to clean up the house bit by bit, but you can't imagine how much...trash...is just her stuff. She even left filled dirty diapers here when she walked out.

And the air conditioning isn't working, it's 92 degrees outside, and I'm dying of heat exertion.

Not to mention, I'm going on job interviews now, and I'm realizing how much I've forgotten in just three semesters. I'm terrified that I'll get hired, get onto a Co-Op job, and then get fired, because I'm not good enough...or I can't remember enough. I have diagnosed attention problems, and even though I'm good at coding when I remember how to do it, I have to google a lot because I just plain forget until I see it again.

Well, from what I could get from what 9006 quoted, you assume people just don't understand again? Especially here... I'd give more credit to the people here if I were you. You don't know half of their stories. Some you could probably really relate to, and some would even make you feel better knowing that others go through the same, and also that others make it through. It should be a theme here, but what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, and I think the strength of the people on this forum can testify to that. Whether they realize it or not, they are braver than they want to believe in.

It's not that I don't think nobody here can relate to me. It's that I feel a lot of people here suffer from loneliness, but not the issues I deal with. I post on an anxiety forum, and everyone there is so understanding, because it's like "Yes, I go through that, too." When I come here, I get a few responses of "Yes, I go through that, too", and a bunch of responses of "You should be better than that" or "I don't understand why you put yourself through that." That's why I say people here don't understand, because it's not just depression I'm going through, because when I'm not socially anxious I'm the most happy and smiling person in the room. When I'm not insecure in the situation, I can be a social butterfly, and act completely normal.

I've got to agree with this, it stinks of narcissism to think that no one can understand what you're going through. What makes you so special?

I sent you a PM of support explaining some of the things we had in common when I first joined here and you never acknowledged it or bothered to reply. Yet you continue treat me, and others, as if I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through. This thread looks like one big cry for help to me but you're completely unwilling to except help.

I'm sorry, Runciter. I just went back through my PM's, and I not only realized that I never opened that PM (you sent me two back to back, and I only opened and responded to one), but I didn't know that. I'm glad that you understand, and I'm sorry if I've been giving you a hard time.

I think a lot of what I've been going through lately has to do with that. To be honest, I'm a little worried; I don't know if it's stress, or if it's the medication stopping working. I'm going to contact my doctor, to see if he can put me on a higher dose.

And I don't think I'm better than anyone. In fact, I feel like a freak, and like I've embarrassed myself so much on here that I don't deserve to post here anymore.

Muse, I can't remember this, but do you talk to anyone about your depression issues?

I have a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Both are in communication with each other; one writes the pills based on what the other diagnoses from my therapist sessions.

I haven't seen either in four months, because...another thing is, there is no income here right now. Both my mom and I are out of work, and my sister, when she lived here, bled our finances dry. I can barely afford to fill my medications.

 

[Peaches]

oh, the initial post disappeared, where is it? it was great... they say fake it until you make it, sometimes it works just fine

I see now that post was about something completely different, sorry, wouldn't have known

PS Muse, I really like your music

 

[VanillaCreme]

You have actually said that no one here understands, and the only thing I can say to that is, if you really believe that people won't understand, then they won't.

I'm just appalled at your sister's actions. One would think as a mother, she'd have enough sense to clean after herself and her kids. My mom would have NEVER left ANYTHING dirty. I'm just shocked. Completely done for. And growing up in the environment that I did, I can't stand when things around me are filthy. Messy, sure, but down right nasty, dirt and filth... Completely uncalled for, and as a mother, she needs to be ashamed of herself. And maybe she doesn't care about you as a brother or as a person, but her own mom? I would never. That really irks me.

However, at least she won't be around for now. From what I've read you say about her previously, she's difficult to live with, especially with how she refuses to discipline her children. At least they're not your every day problem anymore. That's a weight off your shoulders.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Thank you, Vanilla. I'm relieved that someone understands.

I am so hurt by everything that has gone on in the past two weeks. It actually felt good at first, because my mom has described it as "combat survivors"...that's actually what it feels like. It feels like I fought a war. And at the same time, I still left up the things that the kids made for me on the wall and fridge, because if I took that down, and accepted that they never really loved me, that is basically me throwing away 13 years of my life (starting with the oldest) that I've spent caring for those children, and that just hurts.

My mom is diabetic and has some health issues, that's what makes me even madder. That a 33 year old, perfectly healthy, woman, would take advantage of her own elderly mother. I've gotten in her face about it before, and it's like talking to a brick wall. She would rather walk out, than face what should have been done all the time...she had a job, she could have paid rent, she didn't have to drain a dollar here and there with fast food, DVDs, and all the crap (including cigarettes, and my mom wanted her to quit smoking), that she did.

It's been okay that I'm living here, because it was only temporary (I moved back home in 2011, before then I was living on my own for 4 years), and I wasn't taking advantage of the situation. The most I demanded was Netflix, which my mom loves, too, so it's okay. And I was going to college, because I want to be somebody. When my sister was asked to go to college, she would make excuses, even though she has an interest in graphic design...and it pays well. But she would rather make minimum wage.

I'm revealing too much. If I revealed everything that went on here, including what her mentally ill 8 year old did to us, you would be appalled. I'm glad that they're gone, but I'm not glad that, yet again, I've been hurt by my own family.

 

[ladyforsaken]

However, at least she won't be around for now. From what I've read you say about her previously, she's difficult to live with, especially with how she refuses to discipline her children. At least they're not your every day problem anymore. That's a weight off your shoulders.

Yes. As much as it is annoying to have to clean up after her mess, try to bank on the positive outcome here that you won't have to deal with her after you get things straightened out. It's a pain in the ass cleaning up after people's messes. I'm known to do that a lot.. which has kinda wore me out now. Make this your last clean-up after your sister's mess then you can have your hands cleaned and move forward to worry about your life.

I'm sorry that due to your financial situation, you're not able to see your doctors. I think that could be one of the factors that's causing you to feel so negative lately as I'm sure talking to them helps? I'm sorry though that we're not able to be that way - to make you feel better after talking to us because I think everyone deserves some happiness. I'm not sure if I have any good advice for you, but I do agree with Nilla, if you continue to think negatively about others or about any sort of situation, it will tend to be like that. Start thinking more positively, I know it's easier said then done, but I don't know, try to deal with things more with logical positive reasons, rather than emotion? (I'm not saying you don't do this.. just making a point.)

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Well, the past few posts have made me feel better.

To be honest, I think all this has been festering in me...and I can't talk about it, so it comes out in other ways. My psychologist would call it projection.

---

And it's not that I can't see them. But my therapist demands over $100 per session. She is good, but add in the $90 for the other doctor, and I feel like I just can't afford that.

It's like, would I throw that money at my college education, or at my therapy? If I can work this out without having to do therapy, I'd be able to not be in debt.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Thank you, Vanilla. I'm relieved that someone understands.

I am so hurt by everything that has gone on in the past two weeks. It actually felt good at first, because my mom has described it as "combat survivors"...that's actually what it feels like. It feels like I fought a war. And at the same time, I still left up the things that the kids made for me on the wall and fridge, because if I took that down, and accepted that they never really loved me, that is basically me throwing away 13 years of my life (starting with the oldest) that I've spent caring for those children, and that just hurts.

My mom is diabetic and has some health issues, that's what makes me even madder. That a 33 year old, perfectly healthy, woman, would take advantage of her own elderly mother. I've gotten in her face about it before, and it's like talking to a brick wall. She would rather walk out, than face what should have been done all the time...she had a job, she could have paid rent, she didn't have to drain a dollar here and there with fast food, DVDs, and all the crap (including cigarettes, and my mom wanted her to quit smoking), that she did.

It's been okay that I'm living here, because it was only temporary (I moved back home in 2011, before then I was living on my own for 4 years), and I wasn't taking advantage of the situation. The most I demanded was Netflix, which my mom loves, too, so it's okay. And I was going to college, because I want to be somebody. When my sister was asked to go to college, she would make excuses, even though she has an interest in graphic design...and it pays well. But she would rather make minimum wage.

I'm revealing too much. If I revealed everything that went on here, including what her mentally ill 8 year old did to us, you would be appalled. I'm glad that they're gone, but I'm not glad that, yet again, I've been hurt by my own family.

You know, sometimes I really think that we kinda have such similar lives what with our sisters and their kids and our mothers and family situation. Although sometimes it feels like my mother is also on the other side with them against me.

I used to feel like you, really hurt that my family is like that (a lot like yours, and trust me, I have a crazy - and I mean this, sister). But to survive, I can't let it affect me so more often than not, I switch off my emotions and toughen up whenever they do something crazy or weird or hurtful, but yeah there are times when I'm down and it happens and I get hurt again.

All I'm saying is, these sort of situations, won't change as long as they live (but at least your sister has moved out, so that's an improvement in a way), what matters is that you are in control of your feelings, emotions and situation. You can choose to let them hurt you (yes, family members are not supposed to hurt, but that's not reality here, they hurt the most especially when they just don't care), or come to accept it that they are that way and there's nothing you can do to change them, and try to avoid them as much as possible.

Really, I'm glad she's moved out. Family is important to me, and will always be. I'll make sure my future kids (if any) would feel that. But I realise that my family now, my siblings and mother and all the relatives, aren't the most important thing in my life because they don't quite care about me.. so why should I, right?