I wish I didn't crave for companionship...I hate myself for it...I hate it...

[Luna]

I feel...almost alien...
An alien in disguise among humans...
Trying to conform, but somehow...
They can sense it.
Somehow, they sense that there is something else about me...
Something strange...something different...
Something wrong.

I can't connect to anyone - I have never been able to.
Why is it that I can't relate?

I just wish I could stop my craving for companionship.
It's this painful...stabbing sensation in my chest and comes in and out like violent tidal waves.
No.
It's not in my mind.
I can feel it...I can feel every bit of the grabbing and twisting within my heart.

I wish I didn't long for the embrace of another...
I wish I didn't crave for conversation and laughter among company...
I wish I didn't want so badly a sense of belonging somewhere...

I suppose I could just hug myself...
Talk to myself and laugh....
I won't look crazy will I?

I hate this feeling...
It's poison to my mind and soul...
A vicious disease spreading throughout my body...
I feel needy...lonely...desperate almost...
Just to hear someone say my name and tell me that everything will be fine...
Just for that hand to reach out to me and let me know I have a friend...

Oh fresia...
I was doing so well for the past month...
I thought that I had overcome this...
Overcome this wanting of people...
Because people are no good...
Their words are cheap and their actions hurtful...
I don't want to hear another person tell me, "Luna...I'm different. You have a friend in me..."
Because at the end of the day...
My heart is lifted, and then smashed into more pieces than what it was before.

Just fresia everyone and everything...
fresia me.
In my day-to-day life; I plaster on my smiles and fake my laughter with those among me...
I walk alone...always alone...
Running errands...
Taking up my interests and hobbies...
Always alone, but I pretend that its better that way...
To show people that I'm independent...that I don't need anyone...
But at the end of the day, I know that no one needs me either...

I feel sad.
I feel really, really sad.
And with my sadness, comes guilt and shame.
Why should I be sad?
I have no reason to be.
My life is far easier and better than most...
I have a family; I have food; I have clothing, shelter and a decent-paying job.
But even so...
That's not enough.
I'm a miserable, ungrateful *****.

I suppose I could tell myself that...
"It's normal" "It happens to everybody" "It'll get better"
But when I look in the mirror...
Sometimes it's not me that I see...
I see an old, crippled, fading spirit just waiting to be put out of its misery...
That was forced into my body because it had nowhere else to go...
Just like how I was forced into this world...

 

[leftykmonahan]

I can definitely relate to feeling like that. Sorry you're feeling so bad.

 

[Nitramici]

I just wanted to say, I like your writing style.

And I understand your feelings. Especially the "I was doing so well for the past month..." part. Ups and downs, again and again.

 

[Brian]

I hate the rollercoaster.

I've hugged myself, before. There's no shame in it. Often times we're the only ones who really mean it.

I wish I had more I could say. But it's been a long day, and words on the internet only help so much, ultimately. Sometimes they're all the love in the world, but once we close the browser window some of the reality goes away.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

 

[Autumntranspire]

I hate to say that I understand what you're feeling, because every person feels pain in a different way or form. But if it were me writing this, and if I had the will to write this.. I would say the same exact thing. You can only wait so long to find somebody who you can relate to you in the ideal way. Sometimes it pushes you further to wait longer. And sometimes you give up. I've given up. I understand.. All the previous month I've felt better, no depression or emptiness. Until tonight, I feel how badly it hurts. I apologize for everything you are feeling that's causing these unwanted feelings.. You may not know me, but I can offer a ear, and a friendly helping hand. Anytime.

 

[MrWheeler]

It would be nice to find a crowd where defense is not a must.
They’ll falsify and act your way, but truly driven by lust.
Tell yourself it’s in your head, you really need no mate.
But alone is not a way, and for another my body does not wish to wait.
It’s arousing scent and promising praise is where it promises to root.
Yet wicked touch and scarring wounds tend to always follow suit.
I should praise my place and enjoy my gifts, for many have not the same.
Yet the whole that fills the majority of myself, paints me ungratefully insane.
The vessel I attend fills right at place amongst this world and its tone,
Yet the driver looks about, and can help to feel nothing but alone.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

If you want something...you have to give up something.
This was the message I read on a first post from this forum.
For some reason it jump out at me...Or maybe that's the answer I was looking for subconsiously or intuitively.

For me...my loneliness, disconnection, isloations (whatever terms you want to use to discribe it.) had became
a way of life, life style or an addiction of sort. No matter how painful or unhealthy it was for me..it was still a behavior
or habit. I simply got up everyday thinking and wanting my life to change....but I kept doing the samething over and over again
and expected a different result. ( That's a definition of insanity)

Just put yourself out there....not especially for one speacial person to come into your life.
Then perhapse a specail person will come into your life someday.
You can't just go from A to Z...there's B, C D..you know what I'm saying.
Get out outside...meet people. Sometimes you gatta take the body first then the mind will follow.
The more you go outside and get out of yourself...the more exposure to people you'll have. (That's about as simple as it's going to get...No magic or special intervent from god)
If you can't do that....make little changes in your routine...anything...anything to get the ball rolling
Change your sleeping habits, change the furniture in your room, change the music you listen to.
If you're listen to music...listen to music..if you're listne to music..stop listening to music.
What this dose it gets your mind and body accustom to changes....Then build on that.
Also by doing a little bit at a time...you're more likely to get persistent..Intead of making major changes
or expecting a big change. You''ll either give up becuase you set your goals way to **** high.
Or if things happens overnight...you'll relaspe back into your old habits.(which will happen from time to time regraudless of big changes or little changes)
Then say "it didn't work. I tired it and it didn't work"

Okay....my friends and I went out tonight. I was making connection with another person (complete stranger)
the entire time. We actaually had a little disscussion about it...hahahahaaa she was my little experiment.
I didn't have long deep conversations with her. We greeted..did our little chit chat.
I was just being in the moment with her.
Some of my friends were tripping out on that trying to aynalize the honeysuckle out of it...
My other freinds simply recogonize what was happening. it is what it is and there's no denial it.

One of my friend was giving me honeysuckle about it...Then I did to her.
For whatever her internal conflicts are..i can't internalize it.
It scare the living honeysuckle out of her becuase I have her in the friendzone.lmao
In other words I was flirting or making a connection with a very beautiful babe.hahahaaaaa And she flirted back.

The discussion was...How do i know when a woman is flirting with me or making connections with me?
One of my male friends got really retarded and say beautiful babes are unintelligent so they can't connect with him...ERRRR
Gernalizations or stereo typing...but that's he's perceptions and truth.
I peronally thinks he just dosn't know any better or havn't had relationships with a beautiful babe.
Most if not all the women I've had realtionships with are very beautiful and very intelligent. Some are like walking and talking dictionaries.lol

One of my female friends sort of have a thing for me...but i just don't feel it for her. I can't feel guilty about it. It wouldn't be fair to her or me.
I can connect with her on certain level...but on other things, I just can't. Actaully i can only be around her for so long. There's
a lot of stuff about her that irrates the honeysuckle of me.lol Probrably visa vera for her too...But it hasn't stopped us from being friends....

This is were I'm at. i wanted to be able to step away from my groups of freinds. Get to know different people but still be able
to stay connected with my friends...I'm taking baby steps. (still applying the same principle)


Ok...about a year ago i was sitting home alone everyday and everynight wondering why in the fresia i can't
connect with people...Duh.lol
While talking to people on this forum helped me a great deal...there's no substitutions for face to face and
the real deal...I simply use the same principle on here and apply it in my real life. I allowed people into my life.
I opened up myself.

it dosn't have to be anything specail. Just be in the moment. Go with the flow. Don't aynalize any of it.
There are many ways to make connection with people. Then onething can lead to another or doors will open.

The more exposure and practice you have, the more comfortiable and relaxed you'll be.
hahahahaaaa...Sometimes there's too much people in my life...I feel at times in the moment.

Also at the sametime...I had to be willing to let go of my oldways of living. To be where I'm at today.
The same principle will be true...I have to be willing to let go of the way things are in my life at the moment...if I want
it to change or want my life to get better...and better and better.
Yet...being the moment. Live each moment to the fullest. Make a consiouse decision to be happy no matter what. Therefore I must let go
of my pains.

There's nothing wrong with you.....You are a beautiful person or being already.
You are not your behaviors...you have habits and behaviors. (it just a matter of developing behaviors that will work for you instead of against you)
You are not your thoughts and feelings...You have thoughts and feelings...(it's just a matter of having thoughts and feelings that will work for you instead of againts you)
principles.....

 

[senseworld]

I love this, thank-you. One thing I am seeing in these forums, and you can tell me if you think this is my own ego trip, but I think I see a lot of smart, sensitive people. More and more I am coming to view this as a liability in a world I find brutal and distasteful.

 

[lola bunny]

I feel...almost alien...
An alien in disguise among humans...
Trying to conform, but somehow...


I suppose I could just hug myself...
Talk to myself and laugh....
I won't look crazy will I?

I walk alone...always alone...
Running errands...
Taking up my interests and hobbies...
Always alone, but I pretend that its better that way...
To show people that I'm independent...that I don't need anyone...
But at the end of the day, I know that no one needs me either...

I suppose I could tell myself that...
"It's normal" "It happens to everybody" "It'll get better"
But when I look in the mirror....

Ur painfuly reading my mind...

 

[Skorian]

This the same Luna from 2008?

Kristen would probably not mind hearing from you.

 

[anthonyS13]

I can be here to talk to you if you want.

 

[fuzzybutt]

I know how you feel. Well you may not take me seriously >_>

But my point being is that I spend a lot of time in my room (my bro will sometimes watch tv behind me) but I'm initially alone in my mind. I go to school and I go to work.

When I'm at work I hate being alone. The job gets so boring. Yet somehow I don't feel bored when I'm in my room at my computer. Maybe because in my room I have my music playing constantly?

But I envy people like this older guy who can do the job without showing any need to be around someone they like.