I wish I had the strength or wisdom to change this

[androidhippy]

I'm sitting here yet again, half a bottle of wine down, two klonopin down, waiting for my anxiety attack to abate. I feel like I'm too old to still have to be doing this. I wish I either had the wisdom to figure some way out of the hellhole I'm in, or the strength to accept that it's hopeless and put a bullet in my chest. I don't care which I achieve, I am just so sick of being the person I am now: alone, afraid, and tired.

You wanna know the funniest thing of all? I only get like this when I compare myself with others. If I was marooned on a desert island or the last survivor of an atomic holocaust I would probably feel completely content just being little old me. But when I see how truly different I am from others a little conformity devil pops into existence and rests on my shoulder, whispering all sorts of hurtful things in my ear.

What launched me into this macabre theatre piece you say?

I had lunch with some friends at work today and got a reality check on what people of my age are supposed to be doing (this is what I do at lunch apparently, maybe you just eat, but me I conduct research). This is what I learned. All my friends are in relationships, half are married, some with children, not me (no you pathetic piece of honeysuckle android hippy, all but you). Every person I meet has plans either tonight or over the weekend to do something fun with people, not me (no you pathetic piece of honeysuckle android hippy, all but you). Everyone else is happy, confident, and moves through the human world as easily as breathing (no you pathetic piece of honeysuckle android hippy, all but you).

Is it really a crime to be so different or is my mind just making it so?

I remember when I was in college. I worked for the campus computer lab and I sometimes had to close up late. I remember walking home one night at 1:30am, it was cold, I had my tape player and I was listening to some songs to cheer me up. I remember thinking to myself that in less than 20 minutes I would reach my girlfreind's apartment, and I would open the door and walk quietly into the bedroom to find her sleeping naked in the dark. I'd get undressed, get into bed, and I'd spoon her from behind as she giggled and mentioned how cold I was. She'd drift off to sleep and I'd slowly warm up lying next to this beautiful woman's warm body. I'd be home in 20 minutes, so nothing in the world could make me feel sad, I was walking towards a piece of heaven carved out just for me... I'd be home in 20 minutes.

12 years later she's married happily to a banker in California with 2 kids and I'm sitting in a big empty house with two cats, drunk, high, typing on my computer. How did I end up here?

All I want is one person. I don't care who she is. I just want one person to love and cherish. One person to feel like a human with. fresia it at this point I'll even go gay if I have to.

I've actually created a suicide note just in case I get the strength. You wanna see it? It's short and sweet:

"I exist as a source of pain to those who like me, and as a source of amusement to those who don't. Being this person for so long simply isn't fair. If I was created by an act of God, then that God is unjust and I am undoing his mistake. If I was created by an act of chance, then that chance will happen again and I'm recasting the die."

What do you think? Should I just kill myself and be done with it? It takes like 10 minutes. I'll write a quick note and tidy up, then I'll take my gun and drive to the ocean. I'll down one more bottle of wine and the rest of my klonopin, I'll say my goodbyes to the human universe, then I'll place the gun against my chest, just left of center pointing right, then I'll say a final prayer and I'll pull the trigger, and it'll hurt, I'm sure I'll suffer a regret, but I'll just fade away into the ocean of universal consciousness that I was borne from. I'll just fade away.

What do you think? C'mon guys, this is your chance to make the world lighter, to make a degenerate loner remove himself from the human continuum like a self cleaning oven. Just give me a reason... please...

 

[Minus]

I wish i had something helpful to say but i have had to many of those lunches myself. I know what they do to me when i am feeling like i am the only one who seems to be stuck while everyone else moves through the world as intended. Twelve years later i don't even have cats.

Drinking doesn't help such moods for long. After an initial stimulant effect you can see why is a depressant. I hope things look a little better in the morning. For me it takes a while to climb out of the hole a find myself in after such a lunch or meeting.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well...when I had enough, I simply did something about my life.
I got sick and tired of being sick tired...
It didn't happened overnite.

Shaking like a dog shitt'in razor blades.
Incase you havn't heard....I'm sick, tired of trying.

Of course like any typical alki/addict/pothead..when I hit a bottom, I'll really wanna check the fresia out.
It's actaully a blessing in disguise....The universe, my mind and body is tellin me...Stopped doing this honeysuckle, it's not working anymore. (wisdom)
Of course like any typical sick person I'll wanna aynalize it, justify it, rationalize it, out smart it....

I also told myself that I'll never drink alone becuase I was such a party animal...but there I went...drinking alone.
Common sence tells me...if i was to drink and party..i might as will go out drinking , party, chase womem and have
a good time. It worked for the longest time...it really, really suck that I couldn't fucntion all messed up out of my mind anymore..fresia!!!!!
It just so fucken complicated...beside I'm a complicate person.

The withdraws are narly...not only the physical aspect but also from the way I was living.
Isolation, lonliness, self pity, guilt, shame dominated my thoughts and life...
It was a fucken living hell....I don't need the devil's help. I can create my own hell...Thank you very fucken much.

Promises...don't tell me anymore about fucken promises. Don't even give me fucken visions. i have plenty of visions. I had double visions.

20 yeaRs had been such a long time. So much had happened. Good times and bad times...
"someday you'll see the light"....for some reason I'll always remember her saying that to me.
Standing in an elevator with lawyers between us, I can still see the love in her eyes.
" I will always love you no matter what"...It was so hard to comprehend why she would say that, epsecailly after our diviorce.

It's a mirracle, it really is. To have her and hear her say " I LOVE YOU", today...
I really needed that, especailly coming from her. I can feel it today. I can accept it today.
She also prays for me....it's something I havn't been able to do for myself.

No, i don't have all the answers or your answers.
I have love and hope today. I'm grateful for this.
well...if I'm capiable of creating a living hell...Surely I'm capiable of creating a living heaven. Thank you very much.
I have a chioce....

 

[androidhippy]

Thanks for the replies. I realize that post was really unfair. I should really delete it. What can you say to the guy who's basically daring you to give him a reason to kill himself? How messed up and selfish is that? Sorry about that, I was drunk and when I'm drunk I turn into a sad and macabre version of Mr Hyde, it's mostly an act, but it's a dangerously unfair act that nobody should have to witness because it places a burden on anyone around who actually cares. I figure this forum is safe because it's anonymous and you can just choose to not read or ignore the post.

Thanks Minus and Lonesome Crow for not being put off by what was clearly an irrational post.

After I wrote that post I went out to a strip club because that's honestly all I could think of. That really didn't help. Every time I go to one of those my opinion of women gets less and less, which just isn't fair since I'm choosing to be around the lowest possible kind of women. I wish there was an all-night coffee shop around where I could just go to chat randomly, but businesses of the night tend to shamelessly pray on the drunk or lonely.

I was actually sortof admiring the way these girls handle lonely men so well. They're like con artists who provide the illusion of companionship to the fool who's willing to fall for it (fools like the drunk Mr Hyde version of me). I've even had one give me prices for what I would get if we met at a hotel later, but I just couldn't do something like that, something in me would just die if I paid for sex, like I'd abandoned principal for instant gratification. I would rather be celibate than be a slave to valueless women.

I spent the day with a hangover, I telecommuted to avoid having to make up an excuse about being sick. I really do think I should never drink again (good advice Minus, alcohol is really the worst possible thing to use when depressed, I should have just stuck with klonopin).

I don't know what the solution is to my conundrum. I have this desire in me to have the same level of social life that I believe normal people have, but at the same time I just don't get that much enjoyment from people. It's like I posted in my mock suicide note snippet:

I am a source of pain to those who would care about me: I'm aloof, I'm not very polite, I'm compassionate but it can come off as insincere, I'm forgetful about the things that matter to others, and I seem pretty selfish. I try as hard as I can to not be like that, but I just can't help it, I don't have anywhere near the attention span needed to be a nice friendly guy. So because I feel guilty about it, I keep to myself out of fear of hurting good peoples' feelings.

On the flipside, I'm also a source of amusement to those who would hate me. I pay so little attention that I can very easily miss the details of what's going on, and people who don't like me can exploit that weakness to get a few kicks out of watching me flounder. I try to avoid these people because I hate being angry far more than being sad. So it's like there're two distinct forces torturing me: guilt and anger, and I tend to just find solitude less stressful.

The most damnable inequity in this universe isn't that we're born different, but that we're not born in pairs. If there were at least one other out there like me I would be a kind instead of a peculiarity. Who knows, maybe that person is a member of this forum.

Again, sorry for theatre piece above, there's nothing anyone could actually say to make me kill myself, so I'm not actually that far on the edge.

 

[Badjedidude]

I have this desire in me to have the same level of social life that I believe normal people have

"Normal?" What is normal?

Honestly....the biggest tragedy in life is that we measure ourselves according to others. Don't do it. It's that simple (and hard). Just enjoy what you do....and if you don't enjoy your life, CHANGE IT!! Find something that you love to do! Go back to your kid days and think of what you wanted to be when you were 5, or 8.

And then DO IT!! There's nothing stopping you except yourself.

----Steve

 

[androidhippy]

I have this desire in me to have the same level of social life that I believe normal people have

"Normal?" What is normal?

Honestly....the biggest tragedy in life is that we measure ourselves according to others. Don't do it. It's that simple (and hard). Just enjoy what you do....and if you don't enjoy your life, CHANGE IT!! Find something that you love to do! Go back to your kid days and think of what you wanted to be when you were 5, or 8.

And then DO IT!! There's nothing stopping you except yourself.

----Steve

Totally agree in theory, but in practice that little devil just refuses to go away. It helps to seek out people who are sorta similar and are doing well and take solice in that. My aunt is sortof my hero, she's had a great career but spent basically her whole life single and living alone in a big house and she loves it. I'd be like that too if I just didn't have this problem with comparing myself to others. I'm basically a hedonist, and that lifestyle works best when you're unencumbered.

 

[Just_Some_Dude]

I have this desire in me to have the same level of social life that I believe normal people have

"Normal?" What is normal?

Honestly....the biggest tragedy in life is that we measure ourselves according to others. Don't do it. It's that simple (and hard). Just enjoy what you do....and if you don't enjoy your life, CHANGE IT!! Find something that you love to do! Go back to your kid days and think of what you wanted to be when you were 5, or 8.

And then DO IT!! There's nothing stopping you except yourself.

----Steve

I agree

 

[Phaedron]

Hey Androidhippy, I don't perceive you as being a loser, you just haven't met the kind of people you really get along with. Consider that we often want what we can't have, and being alone is hard, but it's no reason to settle for just anyone especially in matters of love.

If you do there will be misconceptions, fighting, and numerous compromises. That may seem like a good change of pace right now, but once she breaks your heart you will up alone again and it will be that much more unbearable because you have known a better life. You'll be pining alone thinking of her, meanwhile she'll be out with so many friends she won't have time to think. Same goes with friends, if you don't find the right people being with them will leave you in a worse state then when you were alone.

Take it from me: love amidst two equally desperate people heals the one with family and friends while killing the one who is all alone. Out of nowhere everything changes, and I find myself so destraught with being alone that I'll accept being her slave just so I can go back to enjoying my solitude with peace of mind.

You should look for people who seem like the type you would want to know, but at the same time try to appreciate your solitude. It may be devoid of love and social interaction, but it's also devoid of arguments, stress, insomnia, and potential financial problems.

And don't kill yourself. Chances are you'll be reincarnated into the same situation and have to deal with it over again. You probably don't believe that will happen, but it could, and it's one of the best reasons I've found not to kill yourself. Life makes you learn things and running away doesn't work, it only delays the inevitable.

 

[androidhippy]

Catharsis, that was absolutely prophetic, very well put, thank you. That is precisely the problem, the menu of people that I have to be around just isn't what I want. I should spend more time seeking out people that I would truly enjoy being around, quit comparing myself to every person I meet, and just enjoy what I have. That puts it into perspective nicely.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You can only psych/fool yourself out for so long.

I mean..that's what drug and alcohol gave me...that instant gradification. That instant uphoria/estacy. Escape.
Hello????...It was like living in the twighlightzone. Everything was twisted, wicked. I was on the yellow brick road
in Allison Wonderland. I enjoyed it...I had a lot fun and a great time. I had women throwing themselves at me.
Strip joints wasn't my cup of tea. Why go to a strip club when I can go to a nightclub where women will dance with me, touch me,
flirt with me and take me home? I was more of a nightclub, bar fly, anything gose...I lived in a city of millions. The chances
of me running into the same faces twice were slim. In the others words ...I acted out becuase of the level of anonimty. So did the women.
I had women coming up to me and bare hug me and say..." remember me?" (mmmm..no)..but hopefully I will when I see the tattoo on your ass.lmao
Wondering and worring what people thought about me was piontless. I'd wake up in bed with 2 women I don't even know.
Then get up, do the samething the next day..and the next until my body gave out or crashed.
I was young with plenty of energy. I bounce back and deal with the hang overs...drag my ass into work.
The women or people that I met were just as messed up or more messed up then I was...No one gave a honeysuckle oneway or the
other. We all had our stories. The let downs, the broken promises, the heart aches..Just for a while we could dance the night away,
fresia our brians out and get totally shited and forget about our problems..which couldn't be resolves and was beyound our control.
I'd go on a crazy partying binged for months and months at a time...until my boss would till me to mellow the fresia out becuase it was effecting
my work. Then i would strigthen up...mellow out for a couple of months. Then feel jilted and bored out of my fucken mind.
The women i ran into at happy hours were simply going through the samething I was going through. Certainly we weren't looking
for love. Actaully we didn't want to be loved...too much fucken bullshit, broken promissed, heartaches...blah..blah, blah..
I met plenty of women that told me striaght up..."i just want your body for the night..are you in?" It was simple...no fucken
promises, expectations, guilt ,shame or lies. And of course every once in a while I run into a women that would tell me this
then fall in love with me...yet at the sametime she was doing the Dr jeckle and Mrs. Hyde too...Errrrr!?! Crazier than me.
It was like I was on a spring break vacation year round. i lived in a SoCal...plenty of beaches and babes everywhere...

So was the life style i was living unhealthy for me ?...NO
I tired to committ suicide the day I lost my wife and child. All I ever wanted was to be home with my wife and child but fucken people, place
and things go in the way. I seldom drank when I was married. Michelle probably only saw me drunk twice and those were good times....
I couldn't accept losing the love of my life and my only child...I felt hurted...very, very hurted.
I was trying to move on with my life. Make the best of my life. i needed that. I needed to know I could continue living inspite of it all.
The only thing that made it bad were people telling me I was living in SIN or some stupid honeysuckle...

What was unhealthy for me was pumping chemicles into my system.

As I stated...It stopped working becuase the chemicle i was putting into my system was deteriating my mind and body....little by little.
I used up all the E ticket ride.lmao
mmmm...you can't trun a pickle back into cucumber. My mind and body had crossed that threashold. Alcohol turns into acid in my body.
It dosn't process it that same anymore. I'm allergic to it...I'll break out in a rash of insanity.lmao

 

[nerdygirl]

I cannot contribute anything helpful in words that has not been said. So...

*hugs*

 

[Loaf]

There has to be something more than just this life. There just has to be...

We need there to be something more. Our lives here in the comfortable West are tragic, and everywhere else in the world is added not just the emotional pain of life but starvation, disease, and war as well. Life for all six and a half billion of us is so incomplete. And that's why there has to be something more.

Look out how each of us live. We are all scurrying around, trying to find something that will make us happy, that will fill the void in our souls. We say to ourselves "this is my one shot at life. I need to make the best of it!" And so we run out, pursuing pleasure, hoping that at the end of our lives we can look back and say that the good experiences outweigh the bad experiences. Little wonder we like the night life!

But it all seems to go nowhere, doesn't it? We often hear the phrase "this too shall pass" when we are facing difficult times. Wise words, are they not? Great for gathering perspective when life seems like it is more pain than it is worth. And yet, the same can be said for happy times, right? "This too shall pass" is just as applicable to happy times as well as sad times. The circumstances of our lives are always changing and those changes govern our emotional response to them. Certain changes in circumstance enliven us, others deaden us.

And that's precisely the problem with our ceaseless quest for happiness. We can never attain it permanently. I have often been guilty of uttering the stupid phrase "Once X occurs I will be happy." Regardless of what X might be, I declare that as soon as it has come to pass, I will be happy and fulfilled. Further, even though I know better, I claim that will be happy always once X comes to pass. But surely, there will come a moment, after X has happened, that I will no longer be happy. Suppose I marry a charming, intelligent, beautiful young women. Surely then I will be happy right? But say I marry her and one day, while she is eating her cereal at breakfast, I find out she slurps when she eats cereal (By the way, I absolutely HATE that sound). And worse, she dribbles while she eats her cereal too, which I also hate! And suddenly, just like that, one tiny, annoying habit and Poof! just like that the spell is broken and I am unhappy.

The problem is we always run after the things and people of the world, hoping that somehow, someway they can give us what we need. Now, marriage is a wonderful institution and women make this earth so much more pleasant of a place to live in. These two are good and wonderful things that we are to enjoy together. But let us not be fooled. They will, at one point or another in our lives, disappoint us. And it is because of the disappointing quality of life that I am a Christian. My faith in God gives me something permanent to hold onto. It does not matter, really, whether his existence can be proven or not. It makes no difference to me whatever. What matters is that he is there, that he gives my life purpose and meaning, and ultimately makes it worth living, even in the face of intolerable pain, evil and injustice.

This is what we are searching for, if we are truly honest with ourselves. We want something eternal and unchanging to fulfill us, because that longing for eternity is within us, an inextricable part of ourselves. This is why we invented religion, we need there to be something greater than ourselves. And we look for that quality of eternity within ourselves, within things, within others, everywhere for it but where it actually is. It is in the hand of God, and he is aching to give it to us, if we would just stop for a few moments and let him.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

There has to be something more than just this life. There just has to be...

We need there to be something more. Our lives here in the comfortable West are tragic, and everywhere else in the world is added not just the emotional pain of life but starvation, disease, and war as well. Life for all six and a half billion of us is so incomplete. And that's why there has to be something more.

Look out how each of us live. We are all scurrying around, trying to find something that will make us happy, that will fill the void in our souls. We say to ourselves "this is my one shot at life. I need to make the best of it!" And so we run out, pursuing pleasure, hoping that at the end of our lives we can look back and say that the good experiences outweigh the bad experiences. Little wonder we like the night life!

But it all seems to go nowhere, doesn't it? We often hear the phrase "this too shall pass" when we are facing difficult times. Wise words, are they not? Great for gathering perspective when life seems like it is more pain than it is worth. And yet, the same can be said for happy times, right? "This too shall pass" is just as applicable to happy times as well as sad times. The circumstances of our lives are always changing and those changes govern our emotional response to them. Certain changes in circumstance enliven us, others deaden us.

And that's precisely the problem with our ceaseless quest for happiness. We can never attain it permanently. I have often been guilty of uttering the stupid phrase "Once X occurs I will be happy." Regardless of what X might be, I declare that as soon as it has come to pass, I will be happy and fulfilled. Further, even though I know better, I claim that will be happy always once X comes to pass. But surely, there will come a moment, after X has happened, that I will no longer be happy. Suppose I marry a charming, intelligent, beautiful young women. Surely then I will be happy right? But say I marry her and one day, while she is eating her cereal at breakfast, I find out she slurps when she eats cereal (By the way, I absolutely HATE that sound). And worse, she dribbles while she eats her cereal too, which I also hate! And suddenly, just like that, one tiny, annoying habit and Poof! just like that the spell is broken and I am unhappy.

The problem is we always run after the things and people of the world, hoping that somehow, someway they can give us what we need. Now, marriage is a wonderful institution and women make this earth so much more pleasant of a place to live in. These two are good and wonderful things that we are to enjoy together. But let us not be fooled. They will, at one point or another in our lives, disappoint us. And it is because of the disappointing quality of life that I am a Christian. My faith in God gives me something permanent to hold onto. It does not matter, really, whether his existence can be proven or not. It makes no difference to me whatever. What matters is that he is there, that he gives my life purpose and meaning, and ultimately makes it worth living, even in the face of intolerable pain, evil and injustice.

This is what we are searching for, if we are truly honest with ourselves. We want something eternal and unchanging to fulfill us, because that longing for eternity is within us, an inextricable part of ourselves. This is why we invented religion, we need there to be something greater than ourselves. And we look for that quality of eternity within ourselves, within things, within others, everywhere for it but where it actually is. It is in the hand of God, and he is aching to give it to us, if we would just stop for a few moments and let him.

The more I know the less I wanna know.
Can't I just go back to ignorance is blisss?...

hahahaaa, my ex-gf had a habit that used to drive me up the
freaken walls...I hate waking up in the morning and walking
on cold coat hangers.
It's worst than walking on eggshells...man.
And she freaken snores too.

Idk..idk..idk....
Sometimes I wish I had that faith , trust grace in god like I used too.
I had terrible trust issues with people...now I have major trust issuses
with god.

Sometimes people would say "god didn't bring me all this way to drop
me on my head"...will I belive god drop me on my head really, really bad.

Sometimes poeple say.." but the grace of god there go i"...
True i'm still a live, clean and sober today.

Sometimes I remember the "Foot prints in the sand"
I felt very lost, empty and alone in my early recovery.
I felt the world on my shoulder.

TodAY, I still feel disconnected. Something, a big part of me is missing.
I feel like falling apart at the seams...but something is carrying me and
holding me up.

I do understand what you're saying...but for some reason I can't make any of that to fit anymore...no matter how much i try and try.
So..I guess I'm giving up or is it surrender or is it faith or letting go.
something...better catch me when i fall.

I just want to hold my daughter. No matter what I've done in my life. There's always that. A part of me that's been missing.
If all things are posible with god...then why???? it's not like I'm asking to be a rock star. I just want to hold my daughter.
Am i not good enough or what? Am I not derseving of that.
I don't understand...it's fucken backwards to me. Some people don't give a rats ass about their child and thier child beg and pleade for them.
I love my daughter...so why in fresia can't i hold her?

 

[androidhippy]

I cannot contribute anything helpful in words that has not been said. So...

*hugs*

hugs right back at ya

---

And it is because of the disappointing quality of life that I am a Christian. My faith in God gives me something permanent to hold onto. It does not matter, really, whether his existence can be proven or not. It makes no difference to me whatever. What matters is that he is there, that he gives my life purpose and meaning, and ultimately makes it worth living, even in the face of intolerable pain, evil and injustice.

I actually find more solace in the realization that there is no God. I used to be Christian, but eventually I realized that if this place was actually cooked up by a thinking being he'd be one seriously sadistic lunatic. The world really only makes sense to me when I see it as a gradual, iterative process of order arising from chaos; the steady autocatalysis of organic molecules over long periods of time doing what they do naturally, heedless of a creator. There's a certain comfort in knowing that my life is mine to do with as I please; that there is no more pain than I allow myself to feel.

I find even more comfort in the little paradoxes that life throws us. Take, for instance, the fact that nearly every molecule in our bodies is completely swapped many times over through the course of our lives by respiration, secretion and excretion. That means that if the soul is a physical phenomenon that's somehow tied to the matter we're made of, then each one of us is actually made of several souls gradually shapeshifting through a single human form through the course of a lifetime; but that sounds needlessly complicated.

Humans are just like sand dunes: wisps of pretty patterns in the earth that seem to hold their shape despite the constant flow of sand; dancing at the nexus of the desert winds. A death is just a subtle shift in the landscape; a momentary plateau where a dune used to be and others form in its place. No sand lost, no sand gained, it just moves from one dune to the next. A soul is just a shape in the sand: never really created, never really destroyed. It just changes form.

It's all very zen to me. When I die I'll just change form again. I take solace in the beautiful simplicity of a world that evolved. A world by design implies that the universe is subject to the same twisted rules we have in the human world, and that I just cannot accept.

 

[Two Cents Tipper]

Love! Ah yes; the ultimate damnation casted upon us. God had a sense of humour when he created us and cursed us with a destructive force; the need to love and to be loved!

How helpless we become before the almighty cupid. With our willpower stripped from us, we desperately try escaping humiliation. We run from one corner to another, one alley to another, one valley to another, dreadfully shielding our hearts with our bare hands from the force, only to come back crawling asking forgiveness, pleading for affection, losing our last ounce of dignity in the process. As if that is not enough, we feel the salt being added to our wounds by watching them being in the arms of other people when they should’ve be in our arms. If only God gives me the power to cast spells upon them how happy I become. If only we can revolt against God…

But God is not there! God has abandoned us! Where is he?

What do we do from here? How do we survive? Who will start our revolutions? Someone needs to be accountable. Someone has to pay…

But wait a minute; God has given us the ultimate weapons; our brains and our instinct for survival. Our brain seeks knowledge; it craves and thirsts for it. Let us nurture it. Our survival instinct is all that we need to push us forth and turn tables around. Let us transform ourselves from substandard humans to super humans. Let’s us take the battles to them. We are not the losers, we are only sleepers. They are the losers. They don’t know what giants are sleeping inside of us waiting to be awakened.

Let us seek knowledge and with it we’ll find the truth and the truth will set us free.

androidhippy ; I will send you in private something. Look for it and buy it. It will transform you. It will release the beast in you…

 

[AFrozenSoul]

You had something once.. why not try and get that again?

Otherwise... yeah I think this will be my future as well.

 

[suckaG]

sometimes when that creeping inner voice of despair, hatred and hopelessness talks its bullcrap about how i'm a failure, i'm worthless, i'm this and that, I just flip it back around and tell it to fresia off, because it doesn't know honeysuckle!

i'm not sure if that constitutes some sort of clinical issue, but hey, it shuts the ******* up! then I can laugh about how amazing life is, insatiable desires fulfilled or not, and relish in pure existence, if only at least for a brief moment.

 

[coricopat]

Well said Loaf, although I can't believe in God just because I need meaning. I miss my faith, but I realized the only reason I believed is because I wanted to, and that reason isn't good enough for me.

I think our lives are often unhappy b/c we have it so easy. When you don't have to worry about starvation, or being sold into marriage/slavery/prostitution...it's amazing the stuff you can find to be unhappy about when you're not focused on survival.

@suckaG--that's actually a very healthy response....I recently read a book on how important it was to separate that negative inner voice from you own self.

 

[AndrewM]

I've often felt the way you do androidhippy, but recently my therapist said something which cast things in a new light. I told her about a dream I had in which I was accused of murdering someone and I wasn't sure whether I had done it or not (in the dream that is). She interpreted this as the "persecuting voice" inside my head, which is constantly telling me I should be more like other people. And then she said that I have to accept that I'll always be who I am. At the time I didn't find this very encouraging, but it really has made a huge difference to my outlook these last couple of weeks. I think it goes to what suckaG and coricopat said (and Catharsis too, in a sense): the need to distinguish your own sense of self-worth from the lowly worm which the inner, persecuting voice makes you out to be.