If you can´t get love, would you rely on sex?

[Yamira]

If you meet someone, who clearly tells you, that he/ she will never fall in love with you (whatever reason) but they would like to have sex with you - would you do it? Maybe even have a long-term affair?

The loneliness after sex with someone who doesn´t love you or probably who isn´t even a good friend of you is huge. But I need to be touched or to be loved (even if its only physical) and isn´t it better to have at least that than just nothing? Is the pain afterwards worth the happy and fun hours before?

 

[WildernessWildChild]

I don't have a problem with it myself, I'm not really interested in a day to day commitment/relationship but still like to have fun with a like-minded partner. I personally don't get that feeling of lonliness, I'd rather focus on the positive aspects than any negatives. I guess that a thirteen year relationship that became more like a roommate situation has affected my desire for needing someone full time.

 

[VanillaCreme]

If I were in the same mind-set, sure. If I thought I was falling, I'd back away from the situation.

 

[Yamira]

WildernessWildChild: 13 years seems like an eternaty for me...! So I can understand why you don´t want a relationship at the moment...

VanillaCreme: But aren´t you falling more if you don´t have any physical contact at all? I need physical contact and that is nothing that a hug from a friend can replace...

 

[Case]

Although love is what I am after, fun is also good. I have been in such a relationship. We both knew it was only physical, we knew it was for a "limited time only," and that there would be no love involved. It was one of the most purely fun times I've had in my life. I look back on that time fondly and we still keep in touch, although not for sex.

I see nothing wrong with such an arrangement unless someone starts to develop feelings. Then, it can get ugly.

 

[Yamira]

The question is - how do you keep your feelings out? If I have sex with someone, then I like his appearence AND his personality. So basically the same guy I would want as a boyfriend... and when you are needy, you can´t hold your feelings back...

 

[Ymir]

I myself see sex and love as two completely different things. Having sex with a person regularly doesn't mean sharing common goals in life or trusting them with more intimate emotional issues and all the other stuff that a romantic relationship entails, so I really don't see why you should bring feelings into equation if the person isn't even a close friend.

Sex doesn't have anything to do with emotions unless you see it that way.

(And don't come at me with those oxytocin "researches" please http://io9.com/5606765/myths-about-the-love-hormone-oxytocin-that-could-ruin-your-love-life)

 

[Yamira]

Ah good to know - I thought the story with the hormone was true... hmmm...

I can´t tell what it is, as I would even get attached with somebody that I only kissed. Maybe it´s really because I´m too needy and all my self esteem depends on having a guy or not...

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

The question is - how do you keep your feelings out? If I have sex with someone, then I like his appearence AND his personality. So basically the same guy I would want as a boyfriend... and when you are needy, you can´t hold your feelings back...

This above is my reason for my unwillingness to participate in such relationships.
The possibility of my partner falling for me is just too risky, and when it comes to this, I´m not a risk taker. The satisfaction out of the act itself would not be worth it.

However, there are different people out there, and I suppose there are tons of them who have the mindset to engage in such a relationships. If they get together, why not?

But for you, you seem like a sensitive person who might have a problem with this, for better or worse. I can not tell you how you should act of course, but it seems that you are more likely to get hurt by this. This is the way it seems to me based on your posts so far.

Perhaps if you are in a real situation as you are asking, you may refuse, state that only as a girlfriend, and them tease him with revealing dresses, seducing techniques etc.. Guy may crack

 

[Yamira]

And there is no possibility that you will fall for that person?

The other thing is... I can´t imagine myself in a relationship now because I would fear that there would come someone "better" and also I don´t believe that any relationship is going to last... Otherwise when I think about that guy from holiday which I knew for a whole day - I would probably say that I could try a relationship with him if he would live here (and thats f***ed up, because I really don´t know him that well)....

So maybe its just for getting the kick out of being adored... I don´t know... somethings really wrong with me

 

[TheRealCallie]

And there is no possibility that you will fall for that person?

The other thing is... I can´t imagine myself in a relationship now because I would fear that there would come someone "better" and also I don´t believe that any relationship is going to last... Otherwise when I think about that guy from holiday which I knew for a whole day - I would probably say that I could try a relationship with him if he would live here (and thats f***ed up, because I really don´t know him that well)....

So maybe its just for getting the kick out of being adored... I don´t know... somethings really wrong with me

Nothing is wrong with you. I think you are just overthinking the whole relationship thing. Dating allows you to get to know a person better, so saying you would try a "relationship" with him, just means that you would date him. It may develop into a long lasting relationship, and it may not. But, the only way to find out is to give it a chance.

Someone better might come along. It does tend to happen. I have broken up with guys because I felt a deeper connection with someone else. I can't really say it's completely horrible to do that, since it's not fair to yourself or the other person to stay in a relationship that just isn't working for one or the other.

 

[Yamira]

Can´t give it a try because 1) he lives about 4 hours by plane away (I don´t like distant relationship and distant dating is new ) 2) he has someone in his own country which he hope she´ll be his GF soon, so no hope in that case....

Yeah but then it doesn´t make sense to even start a relationship with anyone because you´ll always find someone that is better (and there are always people that are better than yourself)... so why wasting time?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Can´t give it a try because 1) he lives about 4 hours by plane away (I don´t like distant relationship and distant dating is new ) 2) he has someone in his own country which he hope she´ll be his GF soon, so no hope in that case....

Yeah but then it doesn´t make sense to even start a relationship with anyone because you´ll always find someone that is better (and there are always people that are better than yourself)... so why wasting time?

Well, I meant dating in general, not that specific guy.

If you never date anyone, you will never know what kind of connection you have with someone, which means you'll never find someone "better," because you are too afraid (or whatever) to try.
It's rare for someone to meet their "soulmate" on a first date or a first relationship. People date, people break up, people find someone else to date. It's the way of the world, unless you don't want to try.

 

[Yamira]

I try to go out with a friend regulary now because I feel better when I´m not sitting at home all the time. And I talked to two guys. But nobody I would want to date so.... Its not that easy to find someone I like to date, and most of the guys I like are not my league But yes, I´m trying to go out, to be seen as I am right now and to make a positive impression....

 

[TheRealCallie]

You'll generally find that once you get to know a person better, they aren't the person you thought they were, so you should really give a guy or two a shot, even if you don't want to date them.
As for "leagues," I don't buy that honeysuckle. A person is a person, regardless what their job is or which side of town they are from or how they dress or how much money they have in the bank. If you see someone you think you might like to date, ask them to get coffee or something. You can't know the answer unless you ask.

 

[Yamira]

I know that normally you should give someone at least a chance... But when somebody asks me the day after we met for a photo and I ask "You cant remember me? You were that drunk?" and then he talks like "Yes I was really drunk but I remember your beauty bla bla bla"... No I´m not into that sorry, and then I dont want to see him again... But in general you are right - giving someone a chance...

I would NEVER ask a guy out for a date... Just can´t do that, too shy, too insecure... too everything... I get your point but I cant...

 

[TheRealCallie]

I know that normally you should give someone at least a chance... But when somebody asks me the day after we met for a photo and I ask "You cant remember me? You were that drunk?" and then he talks like "Yes I was really drunk but I remember your beauty bla bla bla"... No I´m not into that sorry, and then I dont want to see him again... But in general you are right - giving someone a chance...

I would NEVER ask a guy out for a date... Just can´t do that, too shy, too insecure... too everything... I get your point but I cant...

What do you mean by "ask for a photo"? To prove that you were together or something?


Okay, a lot of people are too shy. How about a smile and a wave or saying hi or something a little more simple?

 

[WildernessWildChild]

You'll generally find that once you get to know a person better, they aren't the person you thought they were, so you should really give a guy or two a shot, even if you don't want to date them.

So very, very true- the majority of us tend to be on our absolute best behavior initially when trying to get someone's attention.

 

[Lowlander]

I would have sex with someone even if I wouldn't feel anything for them or vice/versa. If you both like/want it and enjoy it, it's fine There's nothing wrong with it, in my eyes.

---

You'll generally find that once you get to know a person better, they aren't the person you thought they were, so you should really give a guy or two a shot, even if you don't want to date them.
As for "leagues," I don't buy that honeysuckle. A person is a person, regardless what their job is or which side of town they are from or how they dress or how much money they have in the bank. If you see someone you think you might like to date, ask them to get coffee or something. You can't know the answer unless you ask.

This is certainly true

 

[Yamira]

What do you mean by "ask for a photo"? To prove that you were together or something?


Okay, a lot of people are too shy. How about a smile and a wave or saying hi or something a little more simple?

We changed numbers and the next morning he wrote me on whatsapp. and there he asked for a picture. I said "you dont know who I am or what I look like" and even though he said he remembered but he just wanted a picture because I´m so pretty (bla bla...) I don´t believe that. and same day he admitted that he was really really drunk... I´m not into things like that...

I mean a look or a smile is ok when I´m in a bar or on holiday. In real life on bus or anything like that ... hmmm only when I know that he is into me. here the people are very serious. it could end embarrassing...