Oh man.. I just can't catch a break.
I have tried to put it out of my mind for years and years and years that I was emotionally or socially troubled, and have always put everything down to circumstance and bad luck, but I think I might actually need help at this point.
I always attract toxic, toxic people, who've burned me repeatedly throughout my life, and I have had enough.
Ever since I was a little kid, I have had a ridiculously overpowering sense of moral duty, which I've come to HATE about myself. It's stripped me of any chance of peace of mind or fun, all my life.
I am the girl who never called anyone names, helped everyone I could, worked hard when I was asked, and didn't speak until I was asked to. I've always believed that being rude, mean, loud and obnoxious was wrong, and I've done everything in my power to be the opposite.
This path has left me alone, sad and angry.
I'm 18 now, and I have never been drunk, because I don't want to perpetuate something I see as destructive (this is my thought process in all the decisions I make). I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I'm vegetarian, I don't buy designer clothes (I believe it's selfish and wrong), I don't do anything.
This means that I am alone. I am so alone, and so lonely, that I do go out at night sometimes with friends, and don't drink, and just stand there feeling more alone that ever. I've realized that I can't do that anymore, because it only makes me feel worse. People I know refer to me as being 'the nicest person they know' and for a while, it made me happy to know I made that impression on people. Years of experience have taught me that this only means people will very willingly take advantage of you, and use you for all you're worth. They'll take until you've got nothing left to give. It's ridiculous how many people have blatantly and horribly done this to me, and it's left me mortified and just.. unable to believe anymore that there are 'good' people who won't manipulate others if they 'can.'
For a couple of years, I have tried to turn everything into something 'good.' I've told myself 'okay, so you spend every weekend alone, that means you can work all weekend and earn a lot of money, you can get great marks on your work, you can write that novel you've been wanting to write, you MUST be productive.'
but lately, I guess depression has just taken hold. I have developed an intense fear of everything, and something like ADD. I can't concentrate anymore, and waste all my time away doing NOTHING. I feel numb and hollow, and I just feel like 'I can't do this myself anymore, I thought I could, but no man is an island.'
I long for ONE kind person to sweep me off my feet, and make everything better, but as everyone says 'that will never happen, YOU have to make it happen.' The problem is, I have tried SO hard. You wouldn't believe how hard I have tried in my life. I haven't isolated myself, and that's not why I'm alone. I have gone places with and for other people I could hardly bare to go, just to avoid being alone.
I feel like I want a boyfriend more than anything at the moment, and I dream every night of someone holding me in their arms. I haven't been hugged in a year or so.. I've been kissed once, on a night I went out, completely sober, and a disgusting drunk guy pushed me against a wall and made out with me, then tried to make me come home with him. I didn't, I went home alone, and I cried all night long. Some ******* had ruined my first kiss too, great.
My life has been full of injustice, and I can't repress my anger much longer. I go to University full time, and I have friends there, but they are all beginning to use me too. And they're all lazy and don't want to 'hang out.'
I want to find a job, but I'm so, so, so socially anxious at the moment that handing out resumes terrifies me. I am numb.
I'm sorry this was so long at pointless, I'm just so sick of the world.
and the problem is, I'm not a pessimist, I am an optimist. And I love the world. And if I was happy, I would be at the beach right now, having the time of my life. But people have crushed my soul right out of me.
.. does anyone have any idea what I should do with myself? =(
I have tried to put it out of my mind for years and years and years that I was emotionally or socially troubled, and have always put everything down to circumstance and bad luck, but I think I might actually need help at this point.
I always attract toxic, toxic people, who've burned me repeatedly throughout my life, and I have had enough.
Ever since I was a little kid, I have had a ridiculously overpowering sense of moral duty, which I've come to HATE about myself. It's stripped me of any chance of peace of mind or fun, all my life.
I am the girl who never called anyone names, helped everyone I could, worked hard when I was asked, and didn't speak until I was asked to. I've always believed that being rude, mean, loud and obnoxious was wrong, and I've done everything in my power to be the opposite.
This path has left me alone, sad and angry.
I'm 18 now, and I have never been drunk, because I don't want to perpetuate something I see as destructive (this is my thought process in all the decisions I make). I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I'm vegetarian, I don't buy designer clothes (I believe it's selfish and wrong), I don't do anything.
This means that I am alone. I am so alone, and so lonely, that I do go out at night sometimes with friends, and don't drink, and just stand there feeling more alone that ever. I've realized that I can't do that anymore, because it only makes me feel worse. People I know refer to me as being 'the nicest person they know' and for a while, it made me happy to know I made that impression on people. Years of experience have taught me that this only means people will very willingly take advantage of you, and use you for all you're worth. They'll take until you've got nothing left to give. It's ridiculous how many people have blatantly and horribly done this to me, and it's left me mortified and just.. unable to believe anymore that there are 'good' people who won't manipulate others if they 'can.'
For a couple of years, I have tried to turn everything into something 'good.' I've told myself 'okay, so you spend every weekend alone, that means you can work all weekend and earn a lot of money, you can get great marks on your work, you can write that novel you've been wanting to write, you MUST be productive.'
but lately, I guess depression has just taken hold. I have developed an intense fear of everything, and something like ADD. I can't concentrate anymore, and waste all my time away doing NOTHING. I feel numb and hollow, and I just feel like 'I can't do this myself anymore, I thought I could, but no man is an island.'
I long for ONE kind person to sweep me off my feet, and make everything better, but as everyone says 'that will never happen, YOU have to make it happen.' The problem is, I have tried SO hard. You wouldn't believe how hard I have tried in my life. I haven't isolated myself, and that's not why I'm alone. I have gone places with and for other people I could hardly bare to go, just to avoid being alone.
I feel like I want a boyfriend more than anything at the moment, and I dream every night of someone holding me in their arms. I haven't been hugged in a year or so.. I've been kissed once, on a night I went out, completely sober, and a disgusting drunk guy pushed me against a wall and made out with me, then tried to make me come home with him. I didn't, I went home alone, and I cried all night long. Some ******* had ruined my first kiss too, great.
My life has been full of injustice, and I can't repress my anger much longer. I go to University full time, and I have friends there, but they are all beginning to use me too. And they're all lazy and don't want to 'hang out.'
I want to find a job, but I'm so, so, so socially anxious at the moment that handing out resumes terrifies me. I am numb.
I'm sorry this was so long at pointless, I'm just so sick of the world.
and the problem is, I'm not a pessimist, I am an optimist. And I love the world. And if I was happy, I would be at the beach right now, having the time of my life. But people have crushed my soul right out of me.
.. does anyone have any idea what I should do with myself? =(