I'm about to go into meltdown, I think.

[zip]

Oh man.. I just can't catch a break.
I have tried to put it out of my mind for years and years and years that I was emotionally or socially troubled, and have always put everything down to circumstance and bad luck, but I think I might actually need help at this point.
I always attract toxic, toxic people, who've burned me repeatedly throughout my life, and I have had enough.
Ever since I was a little kid, I have had a ridiculously overpowering sense of moral duty, which I've come to HATE about myself. It's stripped me of any chance of peace of mind or fun, all my life.
I am the girl who never called anyone names, helped everyone I could, worked hard when I was asked, and didn't speak until I was asked to. I've always believed that being rude, mean, loud and obnoxious was wrong, and I've done everything in my power to be the opposite.
This path has left me alone, sad and angry.
I'm 18 now, and I have never been drunk, because I don't want to perpetuate something I see as destructive (this is my thought process in all the decisions I make). I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I'm vegetarian, I don't buy designer clothes (I believe it's selfish and wrong), I don't do anything.
This means that I am alone. I am so alone, and so lonely, that I do go out at night sometimes with friends, and don't drink, and just stand there feeling more alone that ever. I've realized that I can't do that anymore, because it only makes me feel worse. People I know refer to me as being 'the nicest person they know' and for a while, it made me happy to know I made that impression on people. Years of experience have taught me that this only means people will very willingly take advantage of you, and use you for all you're worth. They'll take until you've got nothing left to give. It's ridiculous how many people have blatantly and horribly done this to me, and it's left me mortified and just.. unable to believe anymore that there are 'good' people who won't manipulate others if they 'can.'
For a couple of years, I have tried to turn everything into something 'good.' I've told myself 'okay, so you spend every weekend alone, that means you can work all weekend and earn a lot of money, you can get great marks on your work, you can write that novel you've been wanting to write, you MUST be productive.'
but lately, I guess depression has just taken hold. I have developed an intense fear of everything, and something like ADD. I can't concentrate anymore, and waste all my time away doing NOTHING. I feel numb and hollow, and I just feel like 'I can't do this myself anymore, I thought I could, but no man is an island.'
I long for ONE kind person to sweep me off my feet, and make everything better, but as everyone says 'that will never happen, YOU have to make it happen.' The problem is, I have tried SO hard. You wouldn't believe how hard I have tried in my life. I haven't isolated myself, and that's not why I'm alone. I have gone places with and for other people I could hardly bare to go, just to avoid being alone.
I feel like I want a boyfriend more than anything at the moment, and I dream every night of someone holding me in their arms. I haven't been hugged in a year or so.. I've been kissed once, on a night I went out, completely sober, and a disgusting drunk guy pushed me against a wall and made out with me, then tried to make me come home with him. I didn't, I went home alone, and I cried all night long. Some ******* had ruined my first kiss too, great.
My life has been full of injustice, and I can't repress my anger much longer. I go to University full time, and I have friends there, but they are all beginning to use me too. And they're all lazy and don't want to 'hang out.'
I want to find a job, but I'm so, so, so socially anxious at the moment that handing out resumes terrifies me. I am numb.
I'm sorry this was so long at pointless, I'm just so sick of the world.
and the problem is, I'm not a pessimist, I am an optimist. And I love the world. And if I was happy, I would be at the beach right now, having the time of my life. But people have crushed my soul right out of me.

.. does anyone have any idea what I should do with myself? =(

 

[Brian]

Zip, that was heart breaking.

I'm sorry your first kiss was ruined. I kinda feel like mine was wasted...not quite ruined, but wasted. It was in a cold car in the middle of a parking lot in winter during lunch and I was exhausted in the middle of a month-long snow shoveling campaign. I suppose in retrospect it doesn't matter, though. I'll have another someday with someone else, and hopefully a real connection to go with it. So will you, I think. You're a good person.

I don't do drugs or party either. I have a glass of wine with dinner now and then, but that's it. My parents were miserable drunks and I can't stand it.

I and a lot of others here have gone through the same trials you have socially. If it weren't for my job and my volunteer hours, I would have no social life. Period. I guess I can only recommend those to you as viable outreaches...I know how hard it is to go apply for jobs and jump that hurdle of social terror. It's so difficult to enter the world as an introvert (I was one, and I still require time to myself to 'recharge' from the outside world, but I think people like you and I still have our own way of communicating once we manage to relax).

All I can say is what I practice. Don't let people use you and always be honorable. That won't always go far with the younger crowd. I find it counts with the older crowd in their 30s and up...I can only hope our generation will be the same at that age, or I fear for the world.

Also, I believe you've made mention of the Meyer-Briggs test before, citing it's identification of personality limitations. My opinion of that test, and my own experience, is that a lot of the results are environmental. I scored very differently the last time I took it (which I think was about a year ago, though I didn't save my results) than I did when I was a kid in highschool, surrounded by people I didn't like and ostracized from most social groups. I'm sure we all have our traits and mannerisms that stick with us for most of our adult lives, but I think if you were in a better environment you'd find it easier.

I guess what I'm saying is, I don't think we have to let tests box us in, even if they are an accurate measure of our personalities. We do a good enough job at being our own limitation, usually.

Anyway, If I don't stop now I'll never shut up! I added you on MSN so we can talk more some time.

 

[epileptic]

I'm sure for the most part, that we all can relate to you in one form or another. Thats why we have ended up on a site like this. Because we were all wronged in some way by the people we love, strangers, or societies rejection of us.

We yearn for acceptance, to be loved, and to love. We want someone that we can express our deepest feelings and desires to. We envision the perfect person that someday, we hope to find. Don't get me wrong, these are wonderful ideas to have, and it would be nice to find someone that would fit such standards. Whether it be a lover, or just a friend that you can talk to. But I think ideas like that can also create vulnerability and allow yourself to get hurt and/or taken advantage of. Not to mention that because of such high standards, you are setting yourself up for dissapointment.

Maybe you need to take a couple steps back before you can move foreword. During these times of being alone are the best times for trying to find your self. Gaining spiritual ground and searching for purpose. Learning that being alone isnt always such a bad thing. I ultimately believe that we all are connected whether we believe it a not. Perhaps you have certain magnetically attracting qualities that allow you to somehow attract these people. With this ability you need to be careful. You can attract those of a positive nature, but you also can attract those of a negative nature.

 

[evanescencefan91]

*hugs zip*

i wish i could truly reach out to hug you


it's terrible that bad things happen to such good people,

i've had similar views, like i can't stand loud people, so i know shouldn't be loud myself in case i bother someone else

i don't care for excess drinking either

any advice? i guess 1st don't change being a great and kind person it might be easy to say fresia this, and fresia the next person that comes my way, but then there would just be another sob out there

i know it might be hard to see, but there are other people like you out there, it's a lot easier to find loud ass drunks, becuase they're always being loud and making a scene not everyone on campus that goes out goes out to drink, try and find some friends to do some legal fun things like bowling or IMPROV!! i love improv i gotta find an improv group here

maybe if you haven't try volentering, maybe at a nursing home or a hospital there you might be able to find some like minded people

the feeling of utter loneliness, it sucks, but it comes and goes

all the best

regards

 

[darkwall]

Zip, you truly sound like an amazing person. It's like, wow, I didn't think they made people like you anymore.

The main thing I can suggest is finding other people like you. Quite a lot of them, I'll be honest, look geeky from the outside. You don't need drugs or alcohol or designer clothes to enjoy what geeks do - games, outdoor activities, imaginative things, music.

I don't pretend to be as pure a person as you - I've probably done every sort of thing you consider immoral - but I do have something of your idealism. You have to be able to make castles out of dirt in this world. The pure beautiful things only come if you can handle all of the bullshit. So once you've been in a car-crash relationship, once you've been used a couple of times, then suddenly you might find something pure like love emerge out of nowhere. But it only happens if you are willing to enter into things, even if it seems like a moral compromise.

You won't find things like love and goodness if you constantly search for them - they tend to creep up on you, and there's something good about that because that's when they're at their most wonderful. I'm not saying don't be an optimist, I'm saying be a long-range optimist, and be prepared for a lot of honeysuckle to put up with in the short term.

 

[h i]

I have a friend like you.
shes 19, doesnt drink, doesnt do drugs, and is a vegetarian.
she wears whatever. hehe.
she wants to be a Jehovah witness. (religion)

youre not alone.

i dont drink or do drugs, but i love meat...
i wear whatever
im not really religious.

 

[Mr. Sir]

Oh man.. I just can't catch a break.
I have tried to put it out of my mind for years and years and years that I was emotionally or socially troubled, and have always put everything down to circumstance and bad luck, but I think I might actually need help at this point.
I always attract toxic, toxic people, who've burned me repeatedly throughout my life, and I have had enough.
Ever since I was a little kid, I have had a ridiculously overpowering sense of moral duty, which I've come to HATE about myself. It's stripped me of any chance of peace of mind or fun, all my life.
I am the girl who never called anyone names, helped everyone I could, worked hard when I was asked, and didn't speak until I was asked to. I've always believed that being rude, mean, loud and obnoxious was wrong, and I've done everything in my power to be the opposite.
This path has left me alone, sad and angry.
I'm 18 now, and I have never been drunk, because I don't want to perpetuate something I see as destructive (this is my thought process in all the decisions I make). I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I'm vegetarian, I don't buy designer clothes (I believe it's selfish and wrong), I don't do anything.
This means that I am alone. I am so alone, and so lonely, that I do go out at night sometimes with friends, and don't drink, and just stand there feeling more alone that ever. I've realized that I can't do that anymore, because it only makes me feel worse. People I know refer to me as being 'the nicest person they know' and for a while, it made me happy to know I made that impression on people. Years of experience have taught me that this only means people will very willingly take advantage of you, and use you for all you're worth. They'll take until you've got nothing left to give. It's ridiculous how many people have blatantly and horribly done this to me, and it's left me mortified and just.. unable to believe anymore that there are 'good' people who won't manipulate others if they 'can.'
For a couple of years, I have tried to turn everything into something 'good.' I've told myself 'okay, so you spend every weekend alone, that means you can work all weekend and earn a lot of money, you can get great marks on your work, you can write that novel you've been wanting to write, you MUST be productive.'
but lately, I guess depression has just taken hold. I have developed an intense fear of everything, and something like ADD. I can't concentrate anymore, and waste all my time away doing NOTHING. I feel numb and hollow, and I just feel like 'I can't do this myself anymore, I thought I could, but no man is an island.'
I long for ONE kind person to sweep me off my feet, and make everything better, but as everyone says 'that will never happen, YOU have to make it happen.' The problem is, I have tried SO hard. You wouldn't believe how hard I have tried in my life. I haven't isolated myself, and that's not why I'm alone. I have gone places with and for other people I could hardly bare to go, just to avoid being alone.
I feel like I want a boyfriend more than anything at the moment, and I dream every night of someone holding me in their arms. I haven't been hugged in a year or so.. I've been kissed once, on a night I went out, completely sober, and a disgusting drunk guy pushed me against a wall and made out with me, then tried to make me come home with him. I didn't, I went home alone, and I cried all night long. Some ******* had ruined my first kiss too, great.
My life has been full of injustice, and I can't repress my anger much longer. I go to University full time, and I have friends there, but they are all beginning to use me too. And they're all lazy and don't want to 'hang out.'
I want to find a job, but I'm so, so, so socially anxious at the moment that handing out resumes terrifies me. I am numb.
I'm sorry this was so long at pointless, I'm just so sick of the world.
and the problem is, I'm not a pessimist, I am an optimist. And I love the world. And if I was happy, I would be at the beach right now, having the time of my life. But people have crushed my soul right out of me.

.. does anyone have any idea what I should do with myself? =(

are you overweight?

 

[h i]

...

are you overweight?

im curious.

why ask this?

 

[zip]

thank you all so much for your replies, it's really helped. and you all seem like wonderful caring people. your advice will be very helpful, so thankyou thankyou thankyou!!

and in response to SocratesX, I am quite a bit underweight. I often get told I need to eat. lol.

 

[Mr. Sir]

thank you all so much for your replies, it's really helped. and you all seem like wonderful caring people. your advice will be very helpful, so thankyou thankyou thankyou!!

and in response to SocratesX, I am quite a bit underweight. I often get told I need to eat. lol.

I was just wondering, because if you're not fat, and you're a girl, then you already have a good place to start. You sound like a really cool unique person. I was asking because people are gonna have an easier time around you being underweight than overweight.

 

[h i]

...I am quite a bit underweight...

...because if you're not fat, and you're a girl, ...good... You sound like a really cool unique person. I was asking because people are gonna have an easier time around you being underweight than overweight.

WTF...