Hello12345
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- Dec 13, 2012
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Hello, I want to get my point across without writing a book, here is a summary of my situation.
Every day I am alone
Every night when I go to bed I am alone
Every hour, every minute, and every second of every day I am alone
I am 22 years old
I have never had a girlfriend
I've always wanted a girlfriend even as a little kid
I used to have friends
I have maybe 2 real friends now, both of which are online friends
I feel like I can't discuss anything personal with any of my other friends, and every time I try I'm immediately ignored
I've tried to discuss these things briefly with a family member and have been ignored
I haven't had a best friend in over 9 years
I'm getting a degree in something I have little interest in
I'm unphotogenic
I have never done drugs or drank alcohol before
and I've never wanted to
I don't own any weapons, and have no desire to
I've never been to prom, hs graduation, any parties
I've never wanted to go to parties where everyone gets drunk, where people do drugs, blare loud music and have meaningless sex
I never want to have meaningless sex
I sort of wanted to go to prom, but decided not to because I didn't know anyone and couldn't dance
I never went to my hs graduation because I didn't want to be around my peers
My peers that giggled and said n____r thousands of times a day to eachother
My peers that said fresia and other expletives several thousand times a day
My peers that openly smoked weed in the classroom
My peers that had sex openly on campus, in the bathroom, under the bleachers, in other hidden corners of the school
My peers that discriminated against eachother and would get in fights over petty differences
I didn't want to be around my teachers
My teachers that would lecture about things unrelated to furthering our education
My teachers that never taught anyone, only babysat us as they unknowingly brought down everyones intelligence
My teachers that enabled people to smoke in class
My teachers that told us stupid and sometimes even creepy stories instead of teaching
But none of that really matters anymore. What bothers me is when I think I have a connection with someone, but am too afraid to act on my feelings.
I have a crush on someone I don't know, an employee I briefly talked to at a store recently
She approached me immediately and seemed flirty with me, but I figure she's probably that way with everyone
I assume that because she's so pretty and I'm sure she has guys lined up
so I don't try, and I assume that I don't exist to her
and I don't try because I don't have many friends, and have never been in a relationship
and because of that I don't want to unintentionally creep her out
and I don't try because I'm unphotogenic and automatically assume that any girl I talk to is just being friendly with me
and in the offchance that she actually was interested and found all this out, I'm afraid about what she would think
I'm afraid about what her friends would think
I'm afraid her friends would tell her to leave a loner like me, that being alone for so long is weird and I should be avoided because of it
and I'm afraid she would agree with them
and if she disagreed with her friends, and was willing to give me a shot
I'm afraid they would tease her mercilessly, because why would someone want to be with someone like me?
I'm afriad that because of my inexperience she would be completely turned off and get bored with me quickly
I'm afriad that because I have very few friends, she would feel trapped
and I'm afraid I would unintentionally make her feel that way, and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone
but at the same time, I dream
I dream about what could happen
I dream because I feel like I don't deserve to be alone
I dream because even though I am unphotogenic, when I look in the mirror I see a tall and handsome man
A man who walks tall, with his head held high despite suffering so deeply inside
A man who is not ashamed to cry silently to himself every once in a while, because holding in all the emotions hurts so much more
A man who dreams
Dreams about what holding someones hand feels like
Dreams about how much fun watching a great movie together would be
Dreams about going on a first date
Dreams about kissing someone he loves who also loves him back
Dreams about cuddling on a cold winter night
Dreams about making love with someone who loves him
Dreams about making someone else happy, instead of only himself
Everything I just said is embarassing, painful and true
But I feel like I needed to get it off my chest
and everyone who listened
thank you
Hello, I want to get my point across without writing a book, here is a summary of my situation.
Every day I am alone
Every night when I go to bed I am alone
Every hour, every minute, and every second of every day I am alone
I am 22 years old
I have never had a girlfriend
I've always wanted a girlfriend even as a little kid
I used to have friends
I have maybe 2 real friends now, both of which are online friends
I feel like I can't discuss anything personal with any of my other friends, and every time I try I'm immediately ignored
I've tried to discuss these things briefly with a family member and have been ignored
I haven't had a best friend in over 9 years
I'm getting a degree in something I have little interest in
I'm unphotogenic
I have never done drugs or drank alcohol before
and I've never wanted to
I don't own any weapons, and have no desire to
I've never been to prom, hs graduation, any parties
I've never wanted to go to parties where everyone gets drunk, where people do drugs, blare loud music and have meaningless sex
I never want to have meaningless sex
I sort of wanted to go to prom, but decided not to because I didn't know anyone and couldn't dance
I never went to my hs graduation because I didn't want to be around my peers
My peers that giggled and said n____r thousands of times a day to eachother
My peers that said fresia and other expletives several thousand times a day
My peers that openly smoked weed in the classroom
My peers that had sex openly on campus, in the bathroom, under the bleachers, in other hidden corners of the school
My peers that discriminated against eachother and would get in fights over petty differences
I didn't want to be around my teachers
My teachers that would lecture about things unrelated to furthering our education
My teachers that never taught anyone, only babysat us as they unknowingly brought down everyones intelligence
My teachers that enabled people to smoke in class
My teachers that told us stupid and sometimes even creepy stories instead of teaching
But none of that really matters anymore. What bothers me is when I think I have a connection with someone, but am too afraid to act on my feelings.
I have a crush on someone I don't know, an employee I briefly talked to at a store recently
She approached me immediately and seemed flirty with me, but I figure she's probably that way with everyone
I assume that because she's so pretty and I'm sure she has guys lined up
so I don't try, and I assume that I don't exist to her
and I don't try because I don't have many friends, and have never been in a relationship
and because of that I don't want to unintentionally creep her out
and I don't try because I'm unphotogenic and automatically assume that any girl I talk to is just being friendly with me
and in the offchance that she actually was interested and found all this out, I'm afraid about what she would think
I'm afraid about what her friends would think
I'm afraid her friends would tell her to leave a loner like me, that being alone for so long is weird and I should be avoided because of it
and I'm afraid she would agree with them
and if she disagreed with her friends, and was willing to give me a shot
I'm afraid they would tease her mercilessly, because why would someone want to be with someone like me?
I'm afriad that because of my inexperience she would be completely turned off and get bored with me quickly
I'm afriad that because I have very few friends, she would feel trapped
and I'm afraid I would unintentionally make her feel that way, and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone
but at the same time, I dream
I dream about what could happen
I dream because I feel like I don't deserve to be alone
I dream because even though I am unphotogenic, when I look in the mirror I see a tall and handsome man
A man who walks tall, with his head held high despite suffering so deeply inside
A man who is not ashamed to cry silently to himself every once in a while, because holding in all the emotions hurts so much more
A man who dreams
Dreams about what holding someones hand feels like
Dreams about how much fun watching a great movie together would be
Dreams about going on a first date
Dreams about kissing someone he loves who also loves him back
Dreams about cuddling on a cold winter night
Dreams about making love with someone who loves him
Dreams about making someone else happy, instead of only himself
Everything I just said is embarassing, painful and true
But I feel like I needed to get it off my chest
and everyone who listened
thank you