I'm hurting a lot right now

[TheSolitaryMan]

She apparently slept with some guy. Some random, loser guy who sleeps around. There was most likely no feelings involved, just sex, and by your principles, this is a character flaw. (That's how I understood it, anyway. Correct me if I got it wrong.) Why is that? Why do you think it's wrong for a person to have casual encounters, when they are, in fact, single? Why is it that a person who has casual sex is suddenly not "relationship material"? Why is it a disappointment that she's slept with someone?

I'm not asking these questions as an attempt to tell you that you are in any way "wrong" in feeling the way you do. Feelings are there, and they can't be turned off and on like some switch.

You see, this is where I get confused. When you engage in sex, you are sharing your body with someone in the most intimate way possible. It's the closest you can physically get to someone!

How is it possible to have sex entirely devoid of emotion? For me, I don't think that concept works at all. It seems to be becoming popular lately with all this "FWB" crap, but for me, if I'm going to share myself with someone like that, there's no denying that emotions are involved.

Now, this is the reason it hurts me:

If I'm going to have a relationship with this girl, after who knows how many months, years, whatever, we would probably have sex. As a virgin, I'd be giving myself to her, and her only.

How special is that going to be, if I know some "random, loser guy" can do exactly the same thing after a 10 minute meeting? You can argue "Oh, emotions are involved in a relationship", but that doesn't stick with me unfortunately.

By giving away sex so easily like that, it just makes me wonder what I can possibly offer her. I can give her support, love and so on. However, the thing that is the physical ultimate that I can bestow on her she can quite happily get from some random bloke she doesn't know.

It just cheapens the whole idea of a relationship to me. And what if she decides it's simply easier to have sex with random people half way through a relationship? She's shown no qualms at present, so what's to say she wouldn't do it then?

This is one reason I feel so lonely I think. To me, sex actually means a lot. To everyone else, it seems to be something they do for "lolz".

A few years ago, at this random party, this girl pretty much offered me a blowjob. The girl was really pretty, but she was also drunk and I hardly knew her, so I politely declined and left. That's how I work - if it feels like it's cheap or wrong to me, I don't do it.

It probably would have been amazing, but what I want is irrelevant in situations like that. It's what is right that matters.

Perhaps I expect too much out of my fellow human beings to control their urges, I don't know. I just don't see that if I can refrain from casually having sex with "random, loser" girls why it should be alright for a future partner of mine to sleep with "random, loser" guys.

Yeah, we weren't going out. Yeah, maybe I wasn't clear enough in my interest. Does that mean that it's fine for me to sleep with loads of girls that I barely know now, just because I really want sex? Not in my mind, no. I'd also get a reputation for being a gardenia.

That's the best I can explain it. It's...so hard to explain why I feel like this, just it's like something deep down inside of me doesn't like that kind of activity. I'll try to think about it more and see if I can explain better.

Edit - Oh, and you remember the "prude" thread? My cheeks are burning like hot coals for just discussing this!

 

[SophiaGrace]

I used to be like solitary. Waiting for the right person, keeping sex as an expression of my emotions towards them.

Until one day when I thought to myself "what is the right person? and hey it at least feels physically good to get off with someone, what am I waiting for? Oh yeah, i was a christian, now i'm an atheist. I actually feel less empty and less alone if I engage in sexual activities with someone online when i am single. I feel so empty with just friendships online. Wait, maybe sexual intimacy is an emotional need of mine. Oh...okay *does stuff with people online* "

Which led to this =>

Well maybe that's exaggerating, A LITTLE.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Until one day when I thought to myself "what is the right person? and hey it at least feels physically good to get off with someone, what am I waiting for? Oh yeah, i was a christian, now i'm an atheist. I actually feel less empty and less alone if I engage in sexual activities with someone online when i am single.

The right person for me, is a girl who respects my feelings, values me as a partner and thinks I'm special enough to treat well. I remember reading something: "Lose your virginity to someone you trust, not someone you love."

That's my policy. If I have sex, it will be with a girl I really feel happy, safe and comfortable with. I'm not waiting for marriage or an arbitrary constant like that neccessarily, I just want to feel like the act means as much to her as it does to me.

For the record, my best female friend is always boasting to me how amazing her sexual skills are. She's even offered those to me several times, said she'd really like to be my girlfriend and so on.

What she cannot grasp is that by accepting any of that, I actually demean my relation with her. I'm a better guy to her than any of the guys she's screwed, because I maintain contact with her for her, not for sex. They've treated her poorly, I have not.

People seem to lose sight of that in pursuit of "fun".

Sex is pretty much the ultimate display of affection and respect a girl (or guy, for that matter) can display. It goes even more for girls, given traditional gender roles.

I don't **** or judge people for sleeping around, it simply saddens me greatly that girls in particular are so desperate to not be alone that they'll sleep with absolute low lives for a temporary boost.

In addition, their doing that alienates guys like me, because what's the point in me being the best human being I can be for a girl when being a lowlife is adequate to gain the deepest of her affections?

 

[SophiaGrace]

Trust for me online is how much I reveal about myself. Trust for me is opening up about my deepest fears and insecurities. Trust is allowing myself to be a vulnerable situation with someone where they could hurt me, but I know they won't. People I trust, know my real name, People I trust very very much have my Address. If you have my address that's the paragon of trust for me.

If i don't trust you, my name is Soph and i disappear.

Offline I probably wouldn't open up at all and would avoid you if i didn't trust you.

Geez Solitary sorry for talking about myself, i'm trying to get you to see how I think and feel about things and perhaps in turn make you think as well.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Trust for me online is how much I reveal about myself. Trust for me is opening up about my deepest fears and insecurities. Trust is allowing myself to be a vulnerable situation with someone where they could hurt me, but I know they won't. People I trust, know my real name, People I trust very very much have my Address. If you have my address that's the paragon of trust for me.

If i don't trust you, my name is Soph and i disappear.

Offline I probably wouldn't open up at all and would avoid you if i didn't trust you.

Geez Solitary sorry for talking about myself, i'm trying to get you to see how I think and feel about things and perhaps in turn make you think as well.

I don't mind

Unfortunately though, I'm afraid I don't understand. I guess I'm just different to most people, which is a real shame.

If a girl had 5 boyfriends before me and slept with them all, I could handle that. There's some loyalty there, emotional depth. Something about one night stands fundamentally disagrees with me, I guess.

I've already put my reasons above, there's no sense me rehashing it.

I can't really express how much I'd like to have sex, that's the funny thing in all of this. I literally dream of just sharing a kiss with someone. The thought of actually having sex with someone is so incredible to me...I blush at the thought.

To do those things is all I really want from my life right now (which is why it's having something of an impact on my concentration on my studies). I just want to get close to someone.

However, I'm never going to cheapen my affections to do that, even if I feel extremely isolated, lonely and sad at times. Values, to me, mean something. If I cannot abide by my own values, I have nothing.

*Sigh* Sorry for getting so solemn, I think it's only just dawning on me how much things like this mean to me...

 

[SophiaGrace]

You're a good person SolitaryMan. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently okay?

 

[IgnoredOne]

TSM> Its very understandable, though sometimes difficult to express. I, too, can sympathize with the sense that there's something wrong about a girl who sleeps around. Its at least partly instinctual, and I think then we try to justify it rationally; but I think its safer just to accept that it is your feeling, and it is a real feeling, and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way.

 

[beans]

I had similar situations to yours. Was deeply fond of someone until I found out about his 'past' and just made me sick. Different people will have different thoughts about this. The guy I knew could separate emotions from sex and did it like popping tarts. For me it wasn't. Slowly I had no feelings for this person. You're probably hurting right now because you feel like "Oh what a waste" but really it's not that complicated.

You'll find someone eventually that you're proud of if you can believe that there is someone who shares the same values as you do and there are.

I find that most people will only hang on to people whom values they do not share in common with because they already made up their minds that they cannot meet someone better. They don't believe they deserve good. You have to make up your mind on what you will stick with and you are not going to change that. It's always best to be alone than compromise on something like that.

Love is meant to be beautiful not tolerated.

 

[Equinox]

As weird as it is to think about (at least for me) sex, for some people, is just sex. For some people (or maybe a lot of people; I don't really go around asking much), sex and feelings are two entirely different things. I understand that it's not like that for you, and I understand because it's not like that for me, either. I have a few friends, two in particular (one male and one female) who sleeps around a lot. To them, sex is just this physical thing that feels good. They enjoy it more when it's with a person they actually love, but they won't live in celibacy when they're single. I don't see anything wrong with that, even if that's not something that would feel right for me.

The thing people like us need to understand is this: Even though sex for you means "the deepest of your affections", as you said, that isn't necessarily so for others. There are people out there who doesn't consider sex with random people as anything special, but that doesn't mean they won't consider sex with the person they love as something deep and meaningful. It all comes down to people being different, feeling differently about things, and thinking differently about things.

I don't think it's unusual for people to feel little to nothing when having sex with someone they don't care about, but still see it as something important and intimate when it involves someone they love. I don't think that being able to have sex without feelings disables a person to later have sex WITH feelings, when they've found a person they really care about.

I've always considered myself a weird, hopeless romantic for not being like that. I may talk the talk when I'm around friends, but when it comes down to it, I always chicken out. I've been out dancing, and had the opportunity to hook up with someone, but never taken it. I'm not able to separate my body from my mind and soul, like so many others apparently are, so one night stands and such isn't really an option for me. Hell, I'm not even comfortable hugging someone unless I actually like them.

Later on, I've come to realize that there's nothing wrong with me being like this; it's just the way I am - and the same goes for the people in the other camp, the ones who manages to see sex as something casual and just fun.

So what is it that actually hurts? Is it the fact that your dream girl slept with someone, or is it the fact that your dream girl maybe wasn't your dream girl after all? Both are valid reasons to feel hurt. Realizing that a person isn't quite the person we thought they were, feels a little like losing them. And losing someone is never cool, no matter the reasons or circumstances.

 

[Kat]

Sometimes people exhibit exploratory behavior and will do things or try things for a short period of time, and then realize that it's not right for them or they're not comfortable doing it and they will learn from the experience(s) and not do that again. And so, she may have done something like this and realize that she's not comfortable with it under those circumstances again. Or maybe not. It's her life and her choice, it's not really any of your concern. Her decisions aren't necessarily a reflection of anything about you.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

You're a good person SolitaryMan. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently okay?

Thanks Soph. That was a very sweet comment, I appreciate the sentiment

Kat, you could be right there. I just...uh. Maybe I'm wrong, but if a girl implies (quite strongly) that she wishes to be part of my life, isn't it then my business if she does something that really puts me off her?

I don't pry into other people's lives, but at the same time if they act to include me, it becomes my business, at least temporarily.

Regardless, I drew some comfort from your post, because I'm trying to just distance myself from it now. Funny thing is, now that I'm admittedly not so attracted to her, I'm already finding it easier to talk to her.

I'm trying not to rule out her liking me, but really I think this just symbolised for me the extent of her indecision. Who knows, maybe 3 months ago when she was going crazy for me she just wanted me to be notch number 1 on the bed post?

I'm really attempting to be positive. I have higher standards than her, and this is good. Maybe my principles are a strength, not a weakness. I really hope so. I'm going to try hard to be proud of my position rather than weary of it.

 

[Drama]

All my worrying, all my feeling of "Wow, this girl seems special, maybe she likes me?" has been utterly futile. She probably never gave a fresia about me, or my feelings, for that whole time period. Even now, I don't think she realises how much that little bit of information stung me.

Worse, it's starting to feel like I'm the only person with principles in my class.

Never trusth appearances. She is not what you thought, she might not be the person you think she is now. I'd go for confronting her.. talking to her. You have to get the WHOLE image. why did she do it? IF she did it etc etc

Never lose your principles. I admire people with principles. I admire them even more when they keep them . I hope you wont give it up for some chicka.

 

[nerdygirl]

By giving away sex so easily like that, it just makes me wonder what I can possibly offer her. I can give her support, love and so on. However, the thing that is the physical ultimate that I can bestow on her she can quite happily get from some random bloke she doesn't know.

It just cheapens the whole idea of a relationship to me. And what if she decides it's simply easier to have sex with random people half way through a relationship? She's shown no qualms at present, so what's to say she wouldn't do it then?

Oh, gee... only your support, love, and so on? 'Cause, you know... if all she's experienced from this guy is random loser sex, I'd expect the support, love, and so on to actually be pretty freaking important to her. The emotional ultimate.

Why does her decision to have meaningless sex with one guy make her suddenly the village slut? "She's shown no qualms at present"? She's single at present. If her sex life is that important to you, then maybe you ought to consider that she might be having sex with just this one guy. She even seemed embarrassed about you finding out. People who are as promiscuous as you're making her out to be in your head don't get like that.

After reading what you said happened, I can't help but wonder, though... if that whole thing was set up to make you jealous and motivate you to make your move.

 

[fatalism's friend]

Its a bad situation but, do you actually go out with this girl? You may like her but have you had a conversation with her saying that you like and want to be with her? If you don't say it, its kind of not sane to assume that she's going to read your feelings. You could love the f out of someone but will they really care if you saying nothing about it? Say it or leave it alone.

 

[RJLJD]

first of all, i'm sorry to hear that you're hurting, i really have been rooting for you, as i told you in our PMs.

here's the thing... at this point, what do you have to lose? you say its easier to talk to her... then ask her out. seriously. enough speculation on what kind of girl she is and what her intentions truly are. just find out for yourself. and if they're not falling in line with what you're comfortable with ("being the next notch on the bed post") then you're allowed to decline and move on. but i think you need to find out once and for all (correction: i know i would need to find out once and for all). best case scenario is you actually learn something and it works out.

if you can't handle the thought of being with her though, i understand, but then its time to move on. i don't mean this in a disrespectful way, but you probably shouldn't be this bent up about a girl that you've never been on a date with, and maybe next time you'll know better than to beat around the bush and wait a whole 6 months. maybe if you were direct in the first place you would've found out what kind of girl she was 3 months ago and saved yourself all that time that you're now kicking yourself over. and its not like you didn't have the opportunity then.

i apologize if any of that came off as harsh, i really don't have a right to talk i suppose.

 

[Ak5]

Just a little note here: Her personality does not match that of TheSolitaryMan's (as far as I know). I think that speaks for itself.

 

[RJLJD]

Just a little note here: Her personality does not match that of TheSolitaryMan's (as far as I know). I think that speaks for itself.

i don't.

 

[Ak5]

Just a little note here: Her personality does not match that of TheSolitaryMan's (as far as I know). I think that speaks for itself.

i don't.

I'm sorry, I don't get what you mean lol.

 

[RJLJD]

Just a little note here: Her personality does not match that of TheSolitaryMan's (as far as I know). I think that speaks for itself.

i don't.

I'm sorry, I don't get what you mean lol.

i don't think that it speaks for itself. that's all.

 

[Ak5]

Just a little note here: Her personality does not match that of TheSolitaryMan's (as far as I know). I think that speaks for itself.

i don't.

I'm sorry, I don't get what you mean lol.

i don't think that it speaks for itself. that's all.

Ah.