nerdygirl said:
Regarding my post earlier and your confusion... you've made a very clear point of describing your feelings about this guy. You've called him:
arrogant wanker
horrible
prick
unlikable twat of a guy
random, loser guy
a slutty guy
Although you don't even know if she had sex with this guy, your opinion of him seems to be lowering your opinion of her. If it is, you should consider that she might actually not think he's a jerk. If it isn't, you should stop talking about that and focus on the actual issue.
When I first posted I was rather fired up, as you can probably imagine. I swore and got pretty hot-headed far more than I usually am when I post. So that's the reason for half of those insults. When I'm emotional I tend to be very emotional.
But I'm sorry, I guess I just frown on that kind of behaviour from another guy. I try to play by the rules to get a relationship with a girl, but in the end I would be better off just doing what that guy did, because I don't know how else to show my feelings in a legitimate manner. That's why I was/am so frustrated.
At the same time, I wouldn't feel better off for behaving like that. I'd feel cheap and abusive. It's kind of a paradox.
Are you trying to justifiably say that a guy who sleeps with three different girls in a week (pretty much a house full of them) and then boasts loudly about it is a nice guy who respects girls and doesn't treat them like sex objects? Seriously?
Because at some point, you have to classify people according to their actions. And to me, a guy who does that with anything breathes is a shallow, not-particularly-likable person who values sex more than emotions.
I'm not labelling the girl here, but to me it seems a bit ridiculous that I'm getting such a hard time for simply saying that I don't like what he does.
Ironically, it comes back to the whole disparity between "player" men and "slut" women. Shells was saying earlier how unfair that is...that's actually the root of my argument. Why are there these double standards?
People are sticking up for this guy for some reason (maybe I'm touching on a nerve here if people on the forums engage in this stuff?) as if it's okay to be a "player" for a man. Then in other threads, there are complaints that shallow, obnoxious guys are always hitting on girls to the point it annoys them.
It's two sides of the same coin, you can't have it both ways. If you want to stick up for guys that do this (sometimes to the detriment of people like me, who want to treat girls as something more than a bed-warmer), then you're encouraging values like that.
If you think that's right, fine, but when I see so many posts on this forum from girls looking for the "right" guy and complaining that men like that are hard to find, I'm starting to think I see the reason why.
Maybe she thinks he's nice, yeah, but that's because he's being fake around her. When I talk to him and he shows his true colours, he is not really a nice person at all. So what am I meant to do? Avoid insulting him at all, because he's obviously nice because someone might think he is?
To take a very extreme example to illustrate, I'm pretty sure some people
thought Colonel Gaddafi was a nice guy, that doesn't mean he was.
Polar said:
That kind of made me lose sympathy for your original post. If you've been a continual part of this girl's life for the past half year you're obviously more important than a guy she shared the bed with for god knows how little minutes. Either you are focused too much on the wrong thing, which makes you no better than that guy, just less good at actually doing it. (I doubt it, but you do put much stress on the sex part as you conclude your post don't ya) Or you've got the misplaced idea that sharing a night with a guy which has got "random love toy" labeled on his forehead will make that person more dear to her than you are. (And yes I read that you do seem to have that idea in a latter post.)
Sex and love don't always go hand-in-hand. The guy which you so dearly hate is the living proof of that, why would a girl have to be any different. What's so morally repulsive about a single girl sleeping around if she feels like it? It doesn't mean she'd do the same thing if she was actually with someone. Sorry if I come over as harsh, I'd be hurting too if I liked someone like that, felt there was a connection and then found out she was sleeping around. I totally understand the way you feel. But that would still not be a reason to be disappointed in her. Man up and find out if she's interested in being more than friends, until then you can't expect a girl to put on a chastity belt because there's someone who might potentially like her. Maybe she never wanted to be more, maybe she got tired of waiting for something to happen more than just having a coffee together, both are justifiable reasons. She could still be the girl of your dreams, at least if you can look at sex in a different spotlight. That's my five cents.
Best of luck.
I'm still trying to work things out with her. I took a big step yesterday with it, that's all I'll say for now.
I don't expect a girl to "put on a chastity belt", this is the thing. I guess my irritation boils down to the fact that I feel like a gimp for acting myself (I.E. kindly) as opposed to just going to a club and hitting on random girls.
All I ever wanted from her was a hug, maybe if I was really, really lucky a kiss. I couldn't really imagine having sex with the girl. This guy got a hug, kiss and
sex in 10 minutes. That's what I meant.
Maybe it's because of my emotional attitude towards sex and my high valuation of it that I feel so bad about it when stuff like this happens. I've never done the act, so I don't understand ultimately how it feels with the person you engage with.
That means I cannot really get how much of a connection they shared, you know? All I know is it's far more of a connection than I've ever had with the girl, and that kind of hurts.
