I'm hurting a lot right now

[TheSolitaryMan]

By giving away sex so easily like that, it just makes me wonder what I can possibly offer her. I can give her support, love and so on. However, the thing that is the physical ultimate that I can bestow on her she can quite happily get from some random bloke she doesn't know.

It just cheapens the whole idea of a relationship to me. And what if she decides it's simply easier to have sex with random people half way through a relationship? She's shown no qualms at present, so what's to say she wouldn't do it then?

Oh, gee... only your support, love, and so on? 'Cause, you know... if all she's experienced from this guy is random loser sex, I'd expect the support, love, and so on to actually be pretty freaking important to her. The emotional ultimate.

Why does her decision to have meaningless sex with one guy make her suddenly the village slut? "She's shown no qualms at present"? She's single at present. If her sex life is that important to you, then maybe you ought to consider that she might be having sex with just this one guy. She even seemed embarrassed about you finding out. People who are as promiscuous as you're making her out to be in your head don't get like that.

After reading what you said happened, I can't help but wonder, though... if that whole thing was set up to make you jealous and motivate you to make your move.

Sorry NerdyGirl, I don't understand why you think I see her as a "slut". That's a little unfair in my view, I don't believe I've said anything that strong.

What she does is her business, yes. I don't think she is a slut. I am just disappointed that she'd do that when I felt so close to getting somewhere with her.

With girls, I don't expect to have my cake and eat it. I don't think I should expect to have a really nice, genuine girlfriend and at the same time go around having casual sex with other girls when I'm single. To me, at least, those two things are at the opposite end of the spectrum. So I don't see why girls should follow different rules if they expect to have something meaningful with me.

Other guys have different rules, but I value myself enough to not do that. I pride myself on the fact that you're not going to even see me naked unless you're a very special girl

If you're going to start advertising that you're sleeping around before Mr./Miss Right appears, you have to consider that maybe that guy or girl won't like that history in the first place. That's all I'm trying to say. Not that anybody is the "village slut" - that's an offensive generalisation.

I'm not the sort of guy that easily starts pursuing romantic interest in a girl, as you've probably noticed from such a long time of me not "making a move". If she had not suggested to me for all this time that she was interested, I wouldn't be anywhere near as wrapped up emotionally as I am. That's why it bothers me, not really merely because she apparently had sex.

RJ, you're right of course. I wish I could've been more forthright with the girl earlier.

Interesting thing (and this ties into what NG said in the last bit of her post too) is that I'm starting to wonder if all this is bullshit made up to get me interested. The last two times I've seen her group, the same male friend of theirs has suddenly started encouraging me to talk about her sex life in front of them.

Both times I've been really embarrassed, because I didn't feel it was appropriate (see what I mean? I'm not a guy to call women "sluts").

However, her female friends seem really supportive to me. I can't remember what she was saying (I was shocked at the time!) but one was trying to explain to me that things "weren't that bad" when the last revelation came about, without me even saying anything. Which seems an odd thing to do if she didn't know I was interested.

So I'm not sure if they're trying to tell me she's got a guy and she's not interested, or she is interested and I need to do something.

Or they're just crude people and they like talking about sleeping with people
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Edit - Now that I think about it, the first time this sort of stuff came up was even more sort of artificial and weird. NerdyGirl, you may really be onto something, though I'm not sure what it means.

I walked into lecture, sat next to guy C (who was just doing his work silently), and he suddenly said "Hey Solitary, we're discussing A and B's sex life. Is there anything you want to ask them?"

I just smiled and shook my head really (A was staring at her paper awkwardly). Then he asked again, about 2 minutes later "If there's anything you want to ask, now's the time to do it." I said "Err, no, I'm cool." which prompted A to look over. B (the other female friend) seemed to want me to say something.

I don't know. It just seems so odd now that I think of it. Who on Earth just says stuff like that? And it was really obvous they weren't talking about that before I arrived too :\

 

[nerdygirl]

Sorry NerdyGirl, I don't understand why you think I see her as a "slut". That's a little unfair in my view, I don't believe I've said anything that strong.

Err... okay. You've said she likes having sex with random losers. You expressed concern that halfway through your relationship, she'd go have sex with random people. You don't have to say the word to express the idea behind it, and that's what you've done here.

I also think it's a little weird that you expressed the idea that you'd be okay if she had previously sex in a relationship, but not out of one. What if she spent five years being physically intimate with this one guy? Does that fall below the morals of a girl who has six relationships in the same amount of time, and have sex with all of those guys?

Hey, I'm glad that you're particular about the person you're with. A lot of people on this site think it's stupid to have standards. I just don't think it's fair that you automatically make negative judgements on a single person who has sex with another single person.

---

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Err... okay. You've said she likes having sex with random losers. You expressed concern that halfway through your relationship, she'd go have sex with random people. You don't have to say the word to express the idea behind it, and that's what you've done here.

I also think it's a little weird that you expressed the idea that you'd be okay if she had previously sex in a relationship, but not out of one. What if she spent five years being physically intimate with this one guy? Does that fall below the morals of a girl who has six relationships in the same amount of time, and have sex with all of those guys?

Hey, I'm glad that you're particular about the person you're with. A lot of people on this site think it's stupid to have standards. I just don't think it's fair that you automatically make negative judgements on a single person who has sex with another single person.

---

---

I think your last post fell victim to the "quoting bug"

First, the "random losers" thing wasn't originally my expression. I believe I quoted it. I was trying to make a point in response to that post.

Anyway, yeah, I know what you mean. I'm not trying to infer stuff about her character though, I'm just running through it in my head.

You make a valid point with the 5 years with one guy thing, but I know that's not the case. If she slept with this guy, it's the same guy pretty much every girl in her house has slept with...so it's not the same sort of thing as that.

Let me get one thing really straight: I do not care if Single Person A has sex with Single Person B 99.99% of the time. It's nothing to do with me.

I know that friend "B" (the female friend in the group) sleeps with a lot of guys. I also trust her the most in the group and she's a really nice, down-to-earth girl. Not someone I'd go out with, I don't think we'd be right for each other, but she's a trustworthy, nice person with a simple looser attitude towards sex. Her bedroom gymnastics don't bother me at all.

With this girl, however, she implies she wants to get close to me, I get indecisive over whether she likes me, then she goes and has sex with a slutty guy. That just kind of says to me "She's not into you, because she'd at least make her interest in you more obvious before doing that."

Anyway, I'm going to try to sidestep that for now.

I think, in fact, that this whole thing is a load of crap. Guy C, who mentioned this, is known a bit for hyperbole and being outrageous, so perhaps what he was saying had less weight than I thought. It definitely seems a weird thing for her to do.

Plus the fact that on two consecutive days he suddenly tried to hook me into talking rude stuff with them...it's really strange. I wonder if someone has said to him that I like girl A or something.

I can't see why they'd all agree to tell me this kind of stuff though, unless they're trying to put me off her. But if that is the case, why do both her girl friends seem so keen for me to talk with her?

Hell, even last week I started talking to her, she didn't hear me, and as I started to feel awkward and skulk away, one of her friends went over and whispered something, at which point A turned around and started talking to me.

It's all so horribly confusing now :\

 

[nerdygirl]

Yea, that was just weird. How did you get to see what I said? Anyway... I'm just going to do it this way.

"I know that's not the case. If she slept with this guy, it's the same guy pretty much every girl in her house has slept with...so it's not the same sort of thing as that."

Yes, it is the same sort of thing I described. If she's only having sex with him, she's only having sex with him. (If she is even having sex with him) You're basically saying that you're fine with Single Person A having sex with Single Person B, but only if you approve of Single Person B. That must be your hurt feelings talking, because I don't think you'd refuse to date a girl if you thought her last boyfriend was a jerk.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Yes, it is the same sort of thing I described. If she's only having sex with him, she's only having sex with him. (If she is even having sex with him) You're basically saying that you're fine with Single Person A having sex with Single Person B, but only if you approve of Single Person B. That must be your hurt feelings talking, because I don't think you'd refuse to date a girl if you thought her last boyfriend was a jerk.

That's where it's different though. A jerk boyfriend is a jerk boyfriend. People are human, so it makes sense that a girl could fall for someone like that over a period of months, sleep with them, and then regret it.

I could get that. Yeah, I would date her. It's very possible I myself could fall for someone who wasn't that nice in the end, then regret it.

It's the whole "Hey, I really like you sort of, but I'mma go sleep with some guy I only just met now. Kbye!" that I don't get.

As I put on page 3, I've been in that situation myself and I didn't take the sex because it wasn't "right" to me. So if she is in that situation and takes sex, I guess she's different to me fundamentally, so we're not compatible. If I've made sense with that?

As IgnoredOne said, I guess it's just a feeling I have inside me, and I can't rationalise it unfortunately.

Maybe once I've lost my virginity and/or had experience with relationships my attitude will change, I don't know. I doubt it.

I'm feeling more positive. I'm considering talking in private to girl B and finding out exactly what's going on now, before some other embarrassing conversation happens.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Omg. Solitary. Just tell her you like her and ask her to he your girlfriend and see what happens!!!

Jesus. You're thinking too much.

Take a risk. You just might end up happy.

 

[nerdygirl]

I totally understand not feeling that you're truly compatible with somebody who is promiscuous. You have the right to be with whomever you want, or not to be with somebody you don't think is right for you. You even have the right to expect your ideal companion to only have sex with guys who aren't jerks. I can't help thinking it's a little sad, though, that you're the one who decides whether or not the guy is a jerk. She might think he's nice. I also think it's kind of silly that you're condemning this girl when you don't know if she really is having sex with anybody, or if the guy she might be having sex with is the guy you think it is.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I totally understand not feeling that you're truly compatible with somebody who is promiscuous. You have the right to be with whomever you want, or not to be with somebody you don't think is right for you. You even have the right to expect your ideal companion to only have sex with guys who aren't jerks. I can't help thinking it's a little sad, though, that you're the one who decides whether or not the guy is a jerk. She might think he's nice. I also think it's kind of silly that you're condemning this girl when you don't know if she really is having sex with anybody, or if the guy she might be having sex with is the guy you think it is.

Eh? In my view, someone is either a jerk or isn't. From the way you phrased it originally, I assumed you meant "Someone who treated her poorly." If I don't know the guy, I'm not going to know what he's like am I?

If she likes her ex-bf, who am I to label him a jerk? In that situation, I don't really mind what he was/is/whatever like. I'm not sure where you got the impression that I classify people like that :s

Sorry NG, I don't always seem to engage immediately with what you put forward, I don't know if I'm not reading it right or it's because my head is all over the place or what. I don't understand why you think I'm labelling people as sluts, jerks whatever.

The simple fact of the matter is, I know a guy who has slept with three girls I know, and he is indisputably a dick. I talk to him a lot and he boasts about it, he boasts about how much better he is than everyone else at the work, basically everything he does he regards himself as incredible. It's even starting to wear thin on the girls he slept with.

If that's the guy she theoretically went with, yes, he is a jerk and yes, I am surprised at her. That's all.

I'm not sure why that's going into "it's sad for you to label people X", because I'm not trying to do that

And hey, I'm a sad, lonely man. So I guess if I'm acting "sad", it makes sense

Omg. Solitary. Just tell her you like her and ask her to he your girlfriend and see what happens!!!

Jesus. You're thinking too much.

Take a risk. You just might end up happy.

I'm sorry Soph.

I really don't know what I want now, or even what I feel for her, so asking her out feels a million miles away. It's stupid.

So many thoughts are in my head, over whether it was all some kind of silly sham conversation, or whether it's true, or why'd she'd do it...and more importantly, if she gives a moment's thought to me, ever. That's the big one I still don't get.

EDIT -

Here's something that should be interesting. A week or two ago, someone said: "Hey, did you know guy X and girl B-" (B being the one from my other posts) "-are sleeping together? I think they're just doing each other until they find someone different."

A was present during that conversation, and she got really sort of shy, just like I did. Then she even said: "Wow. I'm really surprised at X, he seemed like such a nice guy."

So from that, it even sounds like she doesn't like that sort of behaviour. You see how incongruous this whole thing is? I can only hope that the logical explanation is that it's bull.

 

[RJLJD]

I'm feeling more positive. I'm considering talking in private to girl B and finding out exactly what's going on now, before some other embarrassing conversation happens.

Do this!

 

[Equinox]

Kat, you could be right there. I just...uh. Maybe I'm wrong, but if a girl implies (quite strongly) that she wishes to be part of my life, isn't it then my business if she does something that really puts me off her?

I don't pry into other people's lives, but at the same time if they act to include me, it becomes my business, at least temporarily.

Has she made any implications that you haven't shared on the forum? Because if not, I can't really see that she's implied at all that she wishes to be part of your life, and certainly not strongly. All I've read is that she's sending mixed signals, that she occasionally smiles at you and looks at you. To be brutally honest; this could mean absolutely anything from "that guy's cute" to "OMG what's that stuck between his teeth?".

Just my impression, though. (And I am, after all, the queen of pessimism.)

You seem to be basing a lot of strong feelings on assumptions. My suggestion is to get the facts straight before making any kind of judgments or decisions. And yes, don't think and analyse too much.

 

[SophiaGrace]

You seem to be basing a lot of strong feelings on assumptions. My suggestion is to get the facts straight before making any kind of judgments or decisions. And yes, don't think and analyse too much.

+1

 

[IgnoredOne]

TSM - anything that mades you pedestal women less is a good thing, ultimately. Viewing women as ultimately flawed human beings like the rest of us(and yes, coming to realizations like you have) may actually do a good deal in helping you be more confident and forward in asking girls out.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Kat, you could be right there. I just...uh. Maybe I'm wrong, but if a girl implies (quite strongly) that she wishes to be part of my life, isn't it then my business if she does something that really puts me off her?

I don't pry into other people's lives, but at the same time if they act to include me, it becomes my business, at least temporarily.

Has she made any implications that you haven't shared on the forum? Because if not, I can't really see that she's implied at all that she wishes to be part of your life, and certainly not strongly. All I've read is that she's sending mixed signals, that she occasionally smiles at you and looks at you. To be brutally honest; this could mean absolutely anything from "that guy's cute" to "OMG what's that stuck between his teeth?".

Just my impression, though. (And I am, after all, the queen of pessimism.)

You seem to be basing a lot of strong feelings on assumptions. My suggestion is to get the facts straight before making any kind of judgments or decisions. And yes, don't think and analyse too much.

Oh 'Nox. I guess I just don't get "the game."

For months I have been totally unsure of whether she likes me. And, as you said, looks and stuff can be for any number of reasons. This is precisely why I haven't asked her out.

I don't understand how I'm expected to act, really.

Three months ago, when she was at her most flirty, it was sort of more than looks. She was literally just looking at me all the way through conversations, staring at me when I wasn't talking, laughing at stuff that wasn't particularly funny...stuff like that. She even stared right into my eyes for about 5 seconds, it just felt like there was some kind of connection there.

Since then I've waited patiently for her to make it a little more obvious and...nothing. Just the same weird mixed signals as you say.

I like the girl, obviously (or liked, I don't know yet), but I don't understand how I'm supposed to tailor my feelings to fit the situation when I'm given so little to go on. I have to work with the signals I get, if that makes sense.

So far two girls have interacted like this with me, I must be doing something wrong I guess. There's a period of seemingly strong attraction when I first meet them, then a clunky sort of "nothing happening" bit, a sudden resurgence in interest and then nothing seems to get resolved in the end. I'm not sure why this is the pattern.

I never seem to be in a position where I can just sort stuff out, either. I'm never at an event where I can purely socialise with her, her friends are always around so I can't talk to her in private. Last week she was doing the whole "bumping into me" thing, that was odd too.

So you're right, and I don't get it. It's as simple as that. It's like I'm playing chess without the board.

Anyway, IO, thanks. You're right I think. The weird thing is, I will speak to 90% of girls really easily, then I meet one I really think I'm interested in and things just fall apart. I start saying stupid stuff, becoming indecisive, going silent, avoiding her...it's so stupid.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Solitary I hate to say it bud, but I think you are staring right in the face of what makes you lonely.

You think too much, don't communicate directly and don't take risks.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Solitary I hate to say it bud, but I think you are staring right in the face of what makes you lonely.

You think too much, don't communicate directly and don't take risks.

Oh, it's quite obvious this is the cause. I just don't know the solution

I'd sound like such a pillock if I just asked a girl out with no sort of basis or motivation. My parents always have advised me for years that I need to get to know someone as a friend first, and they're the only people that have ever talked to me about getting a girlfriend.

I have very few guy friends (one of my great regrets is not having any "bros") so I don't understand how they approach asking girls out.

With the hearing problem I have, direct communication is a ***** too.

I guess I'm not going to be happy for a while yet, heh

 

[IgnoredOne]

Oh, it's quite obvious this is the cause. I just don't know the solution

I'd sound like such a pillock if I just asked a girl out with no sort of basis or motivation. My parents always have advised me for years that I need to get to know someone as a friend first, and they're the only people that have ever talked to me about getting a girlfriend.

I have very few guy friends (one of my great regrets is not having any "bros") so I don't understand how they approach asking girls out.

With the hearing problem I have, direct communication is a ***** too.

I guess I'm not going to be happy for a while yet, heh

You're awesome anyway. Don't let one thing get you down ^_^

How did your parents meet? Its interesting, but I think in retrospect, I learned almost nothing about courtship and dating from my parents. Of course, I can understand why

Can you really expect your dad to come out and say to you:
"Oh, I got stoned at the Woodstock festival and made free love to the ladies!!! Yay, the 60s!"

That's exact what my dad did. He doesn't bother to share that info too much

 

[SophiaGrace]

Solitary I hate to say it bud, but I think you are staring right in the face of what makes you lonely.

You think too much, don't communicate directly and don't take risks.

Oh, it's quite obvious this is the cause. I just don't know the solution

I'd sound like such a pillock if I just asked a girl out with no sort of basis or motivation. My parents always have advised me for years that I need to get to know someone as a friend first, and they're the only people that have ever talked to me about getting a girlfriend.

I have very few guy friends (one of my great regrets is not having any "bros") so I don't understand how they approach asking girls out.

With the hearing problem I have, direct communication is a ***** too.

I guess I'm not going to be happy for a while yet, heh

Wait, you have a hearing problem? Do you have hearing aides or anything to correct this?

Can it be corrected?

I'm hearing impaired too with a moderate-severe hearing loss since birth. I have hearing aides.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Wait, you have a hearing problem? Do you have hearing aides or anything to correct this?

Can it be corrected?

I'm hearing impaired too with a moderate-severe hearing loss since birth. I have hearing aides.

Yeah. It's funny, several people here have hearing problems. I think it must be quite a factor in loneliness.

I was lucky enough to be born with normal hearing, but two years ago I suffered sensorineural hearing loss from what I can gather.

Overnight I lost almost all the high frequency hearing in my left ear. They reckon it was a simple cold that I'd had for a while that did it, but sadly the docs fobbed me off for a month and by that time they couldn't give me steroids to help reverse the damage.

So now I got tinnitus + that hearing loss. Fortunately, my right ear is practically perfect. I can hear up to 22 KHz in it. But any loud ambient noise or crowds are pretty bad now. If two people talk to me at once I just can't process it.

Anyway, the doc told me that a hearing aid may be able to assist with the tinnitus, but the hearing loss itself cannot really be corrected. So I may look up getting one.

Sorry to hear about your problem too, I know how much it sucks

EDIT -

Heh, thanks IO. Yeah, my Dad was apparently drunk when he asked my Mum out. He knew her a whole year before he did as well, perhaps it's genetic? Lol.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Wait, you have a hearing problem? Do you have hearing aides or anything to correct this?

Can it be corrected?

I'm hearing impaired too with a moderate-severe hearing loss since birth. I have hearing aides.

Yeah. It's funny, several people here have hearing problems. I think it must be quite a factor in loneliness.

I was lucky enough to be born with normal hearing, but two years ago I suffered sensorineural hearing loss from what I can gather.

Overnight I lost almost all the high frequency hearing in my left ear. They reckon it was a simple cold that I'd had for a while that did it, but sadly the docs fobbed me off for a month and by that time they couldn't give me steroids to help reverse the damage.

So now I got tinnitus + that hearing loss. Fortunately, my right ear is practically perfect. I can hear up to 22 KHz in it. But any loud ambient noise or crowds are pretty bad now. If two people talk to me at once I just can't process it.

Anyway, the doc told me that a hearing aid may be able to assist with the tinnitus, but the hearing loss itself cannot really be corrected. So I may look up getting one.

Sorry to hear about your problem too, I know how much it sucks

I think hearing aides are usually used for conductive hearing loss, not sensorineuro hearing loss

and you're right, a lot of people on ALL seem to have hearing loss...

I guess it cuts off communication somewhat.

 

[Polar]

I can't help but think that whoever that guy is, the ******* got further with her in 10 pathetic minutes than I have in 6 months.

That kind of made me lose sympathy for your original post. If you've been a continual part of this girl's life for the past half year you're obviously more important than a guy she shared the bed with for god knows how little minutes. Either you are focused too much on the wrong thing, which makes you no better than that guy, just less good at actually doing it. (I doubt it, but you do put much stress on the sex part as you conclude your post don't ya) Or you've got the misplaced idea that sharing a night with a guy which has got "random love toy" labeled on his forehead will make that person more dear to her than you are. (And yes I read that you do seem to have that idea in a latter post.)
Sex and love don't always go hand-in-hand. The guy which you so dearly hate is the living proof of that, why would a girl have to be any different. What's so morally repulsive about a single girl sleeping around if she feels like it? It doesn't mean she'd do the same thing if she was actually with someone. Sorry if I come over as harsh, I'd be hurting too if I liked someone like that, felt there was a connection and then found out she was sleeping around. I totally understand the way you feel. But that would still not be a reason to be disappointed in her. Man up and find out if she's interested in being more than friends, until then you can't expect a girl to put on a chastity belt because there's someone who might potentially like her. Maybe she never wanted to be more, maybe she got tired of waiting for something to happen more than just having a coffee together, both are justifiable reasons. She could still be the girl of your dreams, at least if you can look at sex in a different spotlight. That's my five cents.

Best of luck.