Im losing myself

[TheLonelyIntrovert]

I am an introverted person. I sometimes lose track of reality with all these thoughts going on in my head, I am extroverted person inside my head so to speak, but I am silent.

Couple months ago,...I started taking drugs, specifically psychedelics. I was expecting it to be more fun than therapeutic...it was fun i will admit that.

But the therapeutic side...it was like exploring myself deep within the confines of my memory, opening the doors that ive repressed, and facing my own demons.

It made me realize how shitty my life has been, how much i have wasted it away, how much i hate my parents and siblings, how much stress they cause me, and how ******* lost i have been.

My family is against me, my mom is the only member that cant seem to choose which side to join; mine or the rest of the family. They all ridicule me, put me down and expect me to fail in life...saying i will learn one day.

They know how unstable I am, they know I lost my best friend to suicide, they know i have mental breakdowns and just lose touch of reality, they know i have depression, I dont know if they know I have been suicidal...

yet they still continue this...They lock me within the house, with the rest of the family and my only escape is either my room or the computer, which i literally spend the rest of my life on.

I have no where to escape during the summer when school is out...I tried my best to go out with friends but i cant seem to trust anyone so i barely speak...

its like i dont belong with anyone...only with myself and the voices in my head. The ones that tell me to kill myself, knowing that this was the only escape and that everyone else can go fresia themselves. It was like my survival mechanism speaking to me, trying to say to kill myself.

I dont know where I'm going anymore, I dont know who to trust, my own family rejects me and expects me to succeed while to fail at the same time, so I can finally "learn" whatever bullshit theyre trying to say...

Basically I am just an investment to my family, a nobody to my friends, and a ticking timebomb to myself.

 

[Porman]

I would suggest staying off psychedelics until you are comfortable within your own skin. I have taken acid a few times, and i know if you are carrying all these negative thoughts and insecurities you will have a baaad trip, and these trips will change who you are.

 

[Sean]

'A ticking timebomb' wow, I can kind of relate to that.

I sort of know how you feel, i've used substances to try to escape... thinking they would solve all my problems.

But they don't.. they just numb the pain.. or make you forget.. sooner or later you will sober up and realize how messed up your predicament is.

I don't really know what else to say.. try to hang in there man...

I did.. and life is slowly starting to get a little better.

 

[JamaisVu]

It sounds like you just need to get away from your family, but if you're still in school that's not going to be an option for a little while. In the meantime, try to hang in there. You won't be stuck with your family forever.

Given your depression and mental breakdowns, I would also recommend going easy on the psychedelics. I am happy you've had luck with them so far, but they can significantly affect mood and an accidental overdose can be traumatic especially if you are not using a trusted sitter. For what it's worth I consider myself a moderately experienced user with a strong psyche who has experienced "dosing issues".

 

[SophiaGrace]

You know when you tell yourself "I want to kill myself." you're really saying "I dont want to (or cant) deal with this."

 

[TheLonelyIntrovert]

The urges to go back to the drugs just to suppress my mind grow stronger each day...Its like each trip reworks my mind and outlook, for better or for worse..

I havent found true happiness since then when im under the influence.

 

[Wandering stranger]

Tell that to a doctor and they will tell you that drugs are warping your state of mind and increasing emotional stabilty.

Lay off the stuff and occupy your time with anything , ANYTHING, working out, school, learning how to write poetry, whatever floats your boat.

Drugs can really change your viewpoint on things, I still smoke pot though but avoid all hard drugs and psychedelics. It's like the saying "your first high will be your best".

When you're under the influence...(oh hell yea, don't even pretend that acid relapses happen because they sure as hell do) YOU are becoming your own worst enemy. Reevalute your situation after you finish your relapses, you'll know when they happen, you'll start tripping for no reason out of the blue. After that moment you'll realize your family actually gives a honeysuckle about you, they might not know how to show you in the way you'd want them to, but that honeysuckle takes years to realize.


Guess what? Those doc's ...no matter how much bullshit it looks like is spewing out of their traps, are right.

You are not you when you're on drugs.

About suppressing your mind, I am a schizophrenic, got the paper work and everything, you don't have to suppress your mind, you can APPLY it. If you have a passion then you know what you can apply it to. Like I tell people, I warn psychics when they're in danger. I used to think smoking pot was my way of self-medicating but honeysuckle I cut back ALOT, from smoking a quarterpound a month to only a few grams. That is a huge cut back, well to me it is, I guess I'm the only person who is proud of it...but fuckit, it's change.

 

[JamaisVu]

Make sure that you are aware of tolerance buildup. If it has been awhile since you last took whatever it is you take (?), you may need to adjust the dosage drastically. Keep detailed notes for this purpose.

Be cautious if you are not making the drug yourself.

If you take a bit too much you may experience physiological panic. It is a cascade of heat, rapid heartbeat, faint feeling, extremity numbness, clammy skin, and strong tremors. It will come in waves until the peak is over. The best thing you can do is stay cool, calm, and conscious. Obviously that is in addition to the visual hallucinations and dissociation. You will fear that you are about to lose touch with reality at the worst possible time. It is altogether quite unpleasant.

On the subject of depression and suicidal thoughts, I attribute my worst drug experience ever as the reason why I am no longer suicidal -- I got through that night but I believe there were lasting psychological effects in the form of severe death anxiety. Psychedelics are not something to be used lightly if you seek happiness. They are pleasant and fascinating glimpses into our own minds when used correctly, but if anything goes wrong you may never be quite the same again.

 

[Jesse]

Hey man we're all here for you. No matter how bad things may seem, things can always get better. Sometimes we need a little help. You might try going to a doctor and telling them how you feel. You'd really be surprised at how much they can help.

 

[Yukhi]

Yep, just what they said. Go see a doctor. Get a treatment plan to counter your addiction to those drugs.

Try to talk with someone like maybe your school guidance counselor or maybe one of your friends. I don't see how you can't trust them. I see no reason for a sensible person to spread information on your private life.

Don't kill yourself. You still have a whole life ahead of you. I seriously can't wait until I graduate from college and get a job. I am totally leaving behind my controlling mother. You have to practice not caring about whatever your family is trying to do to you if it's just gonna stress you out more and if they're not helping.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Taking drugs had never solved any of my problems. Sometime it creates more problems.
It actually leads to a lot of isolations on top of it being addictive.
Taking drugs to escape is not heathly. I did it to escape life on life's term for years.
True for a while it took away the pains and was fun. The only problem with that was
I numb the fresia out and went way the fresia out there all the freaken time.
Yes...them good old suicidal tendencies. The ultimate escape plans.

I'm a recovery addict. I still attend support groups even after all these years.
Nope...treatment center dosn't work either...
Recoverying from addiction is not another quick fix. **** it !!!!
You know how it is...I wanted that instant gradifications and checking the fresia out..NOW!!!
If there's a fucken cure for this ******* thing I have of too much ain't never enough..I'd be
the first to stand in line. Attending all these meetings (sometimes daily gets fucken retarded too)
Working my recovery program is fucken WORK.
That's becuase I'm fucken crazy without the drugs already. Adding drugs into my system
puts me on the edge on overdrive. And who the hell wants to be restored to sanity anywho?
Sane poeple are fucken up tight and rertared too.lmao

No one understands me at all...mmmmm except another crazy fucken addict.
it takes one to know one. Or "you can't bullshit a bullshiter" hahahaaaaaaa
The suger coated version "the theraputic vaule of one addict helping another....."

Recovery involve a lot more than just not using or drinking.
Drugs and alcohol abuse are but just symtoms of my deeper inner problem.
I have living problems and issues...Lots and lots of fucken issues.lol
Abandonment issues, abused issues...(that's why I like it the fucken pyscho bitches that would leave me mentally and emotionally abandent )
I'm one sick puppy. I was mentally, emotionally and spiritaully sick.

Good news...
I'm not a bad person trying to become good. I'm a sick person trying to get well.
In recovery I've learned lot of living tools and copping skills that wasn't taught to me as a child or adultlesson.
I had to work through a lot of unworkable beliefs, self imposed limitations or old ideas. Its almost as if I had to reprogrammed or re parent myself.

oKI DOKI...THEN there's the denial part.
I HAVE A CHIOCE.
No one pionted a gun to my head to use drugs or get involve in toxic relationships. But ****!!!!!..it feels good
Once i get honest with myself about this...the blame game stops.
Sure life is unfair sometimes (no one is excluded from this)...my salutions of checking the fresia out wasn't healthy and have consequences.
I'm free to live as I please....as long as I know it's my chioce. It's me that's making unhealthy decisions.
It's dosn't matter if the world gets it. What matter most is that I get it.

I can create my own fucken hell, I dont need the devil with a pitch fork to be poking my ass. Thank you very much.
Surely if I have the power to creat hell. I have the power to create heaven.

Happiness is an inside job. I just love getting inside of her

Perhaps you can try seek help in Ala teen in your area.
Good luck be well..

 

[TheLonelyIntrovert]

I cant just go to my mom and tell her "Hey I need to go to a doctor/therapist cause Im contemplating suicide and might have an addiction"

Do you realize the reverberations i will have for the rest of my life with this ******* family? As if things arent bad enough...

Self medication is all i have now.

 

[Jesse]

Hey man, if you're in an abusive situation at home, there are options available to you. There is help man, you can get out of your situation and find true peace.

 

[TheLonelyIntrovert]

Hey man, if you're in an abusive situation at home, there are options available to you. There is help man, you can get out of your situation and find true peace.

Medicating myself on my own schedule is all I have, I cant just go to a doctor by myself because I cant afford it and I cant just tell my parents.

The fact that I need to rely on these pills just so I can keep my sanity from jumping off...

the fact that I'm my own therapist and enemy at the same time.

 

[TheLonelyIntrovert]

Im terrified of myself, I feel like im breaking now, its like my mind has a seperate voice to me, mocking me of how ******* weak Ive become, how no one is my friend and that im better off alone if i want to see the next day...

This is why i take the pills..to shut that ****** up and dream blissfully.

 

[sadface]

how old are you

 

[TheLonelyIntrovert]

I am 17 years old, still living with my family, no job, no life outside my home, nothing but just making it through the next day

 

[sadface]

find a job
graduate high school if you havent
and then consider moving out

 

[echo]

Don't take any more drugs, it will only make things worse in the long run. When you go to high school, talk to a counselor or nurse or a teacher, anyone, don't be afraid, if you're willing to risk away your life and any chance of getting better then why not use that energy to take action to save yourself? Take the risks and forget about your family, give them the middle finger and focus on YOURSELF, only care about yourself and how you can help yourself right now. Take the risk and talk to someone, tell them you need help, nobody can help you if you don't seek it, you will be so RELIEVED once you finally receive help,believe me.

I used to try/want to kill myself/overdose every single week, I would beg and beg my family to help me, beg them to take me to a therapist or something because I wanted to kill myself and I wasn't okay, my family didn't care so I finally thought.."SCREW THEM, if my family isn't going to care or help me, then OTHER PEOPLE will help me" so I got myself into a psych ward where people COULD help me, I sought counselors, I sought people to help me, I talked to people from school and they helped me!

Don't focus on money, don't focus on family, don't focus on excuses, only focus on taking care of yourself, don't be afraid of what other people will think of you, just let it all out, cry and beg for help if you have to, you WILL be helped if you try, things WILL get better, you CAN be happy, you WILL be okay if you take action in doing the things you need to do for your well being.