In a long distance relationship and my girlfriend really likes to get drunk

[ConfusedLoner]

This is the first time I've ever been in a long term, long distance relationship. We have been together for about 8 months now and we are completely exclusive. I trust her and she trusts me. My GF is very outgoing and enjoys getting drunk every once in a while, but the problem is that she forgets everything when she gets drunk. I've never been the type to mind or stress out about stuff, but it really makes me uncomfortable when she gets drunk, especially because I'm not there...(am i being unreasonable?). It's not that I dont trust her, I do... but I know what alcohol can do to people. When I confronted her about it, she said I was being overbearing and she wants to do what she wants to do and its her decision if she wants to get drunk or not..She said she doesnt want to feel restricted.. Am I being overprotective? unreasonable? What should I do? I've tried getting over it, but I cant shake that uncomfortable feeling every time she does get drunk. I'm asking for an honest answer not something that will make me feel better.. Thank you all for your input.

 

[Frito Bandito]

What do you consider drunk?

How often does she get drunk?

What is her drink of choice?

Who does she get drunk with?

Does she drink at home, at a bar, or elsewhere?

Is she of legal age to drink?

Does she (has she) done other substances besides alcohol?

What is her age in relation to yours?

Can you give a few examples of why you consider her "outgoing"?

 

[The Good Citizen]

Is it a trust issue in that although you trust her sober, you don't trust her judgement if she is drunk and you worry she may be unfaithful? Or do you disapprove of her drinking regardless.

If its the latter I would say she is free to do as she pleases and if her lifestyle does not fit into what you want in a partner then maybe she is not the girl for you. Its impossible to restrict people doing what they want and maintain a happy relationship imo and by the sounds of it she does not wish to change so it woudl seem you have a choice to make.

If its the fact you worry about her being faithful, well people do go out get drunk and make mistakes theres no hiding that but lots of people go out and maintain self control. Even if you were closer together you have to give people the freedom to go out now and then and trust them to behave. Works do's for instance. I think it just comes down to your judgement, if you think you've picked the right girl and she can be trusted then trust her to do the right thing. Don't let your own insecurities be your own downfall, you'll only invent scenario's in your mind its a slippery slope.

An LDR has to be based on trust, I don't know if this helps but plenty of people cheat even without alchohol and they would be considered trustworthy by their partners (most people don't date someone they think can't be trusted, thats why it comes as such a shock). If its going to happen it will and alchohol is no excuse!! So I think you have to chose what you mindset is on this and stick to it. Maybe a text or two when she is out will put your mind at rest that you are on her mind.

 

[Xaldin]

Can I play Devil's Advocate and be of her mindset?
She loves her boyfriend very much but the distance is really hurting her. On top of that, life isn't easy in general. She wants to have some control of what she's feeling and she really wants to stay with you but things are so hard right now... So she drinks.
I dunno. That's how I'd see it if I were her. I'm in an LDR too btw. And my gf has a problem with some things I do to escape.. Actually, I could have sworn that it was her writing this with some minor details changed (i'm a guy for example). but obviously it's you writing and My things are legal for my age group though. So yeah..
Conclusion: It's your right to be worried of a harmful habit your long distance gf has picked up. You can't be there to protect her if something goes wrong while she's drunk and drunken encounters have an infamous history. But it is also her right to treat her body as she wishes so it's sort of a situation in which there are no winners. Just be there for her as much as you can I suppose.

 

[DrFlashman]

Man, I have been in your shoes before twice with different girls who were big drinkers, both of whom were very attractive and very flirty when drunk.

A few things:

A.) In my opinion, drinking/drugs/partying is one area where two people need to be on the same page. If she's a big drinker and you're not, that is going to cause friction regardless whether she's cheating on you.

B.) The fact that she claims she "doesnt' remember" what she does when she's drunk is a Red Flag. I heard the same thing from one of the above mentioned girlfriends. To me it just sounds like a Free Pass for her to do what she wants without consequences.

C.) If someone's going to cheat on you, they're going to cheat on you, drunk, sober, stoned, whatever. You can't spend your life biting your fingernails. At some point you just have to trust. However, there are some people who just naturally get on your nerves and make you uncomfortable. You have to ask yourself, is this how you want to feel all the time?

D.) MOST IMPORTANTLY: If you confronted her about it (assumingly in a nice way) and she bristled and got defensive, then I think you seriously need to re-consider what you're doing with her. When you confront a partner/loved-one about a behavior that's bothering you, you are showing them that you respect them and value the relationship. The response you want to hear is something along the lines of: "Okay, I'm sorry that bothers you. How can we work around this?" Granted, life isn't always that simple. But a good partner will be concerned that they are making you upset and want to talk it out.

That's my two cents. I hope that provides some perspective, at least, from someone who's been there.