In Love my best friend

[MiyuZen]

I met this man 4 years ago, we met through a mutual interest and got on like a house on fire, we spent more and more time together and I felt he understood me like no one else I had ever met, he was everything I could ever want from a man. When he was away I felt a void in my life and missed him so much I slowly realized I had fallen in love with him.

I decided to tell him because I felt we could talk about anything and he said he was 'sorry he is not into relationships'. 4 years have passed, he hasn't dated anyone else and he gets a lot of female attention. We have become closer friends and I care about him so much, he tells me he cares about me a lot too but isn't good at showing it and that he is sorry he is the way he is and can't change. I have bought him a lot of gifts and done a lot of special things for him which he has really appreciated but he is an introvert he sometimes doesn't like to go out and he is really bad at keeping in touch, even with his other good friends. He is emotionally unavailable, but I can't stop caring about him.

My feelings for him won't go away, I try not to think about him like that but I still have this sick feeling in my heart. I'm scared he will forget about me, or meet someone he will one day want to be with. I'm scared for getting more hurt, and most of all of loosing my best friend. I feel rejected every time he doesn't reply to my messages or doesn't tell me about something important in my life, so much so I'm beginning to hate myself thinking I'm not good enough for him. Logically I know he doesn't want to be with someone, but in my heart we are so good together so I just dont understand why he won't give me a chance.

I really want to get over these feelings and see him as a friend but I don't know how to do it, has anyone else been in a similar situation?

 

[lights]

I have been in a situation like this, and eventually the person I was caring so much for did something horrible to me. I wondered, "How could you even do that to me?" But I realized that it had been there all along.

Yeah, we talked all the time and made great jokes. I felt like he understood me and cared, but I suppose that he found it agreeable for us to both talk about our problems. He, too, had a lot of female attention and I said to myself "Awh, he can't even keep a good relationship because he's so shy, maybe I can change that."

But in reality, I could not change this person. I had built him up to be some Prince Charming because of my own desire to have one. His flaws were wiped away because I chose to ignore the signs- not even signs, the blatant truth- that this person would not make a good mate. I felt that I was in love because surely, love is learning to accept someone's flaws, right?

It isn't love if he isn't willing to love you back. It's idolization. Which can only cause you heartbreak. If he did give you a chance, it may work out. It probably wouldn't. If he has waited 4 years and constantly told you that he doesn't want a relationship, why force it? It's easier said than done, but I'd hope you move on before he really hurts you because you're vulnerable right now to how much you adore him and how disposable you are to him.

 

[tehdreamer]

I've been in a similar situation, except my friend is interested in dating. We're just not dating compatible. And I've never told him I was in love with him. I didn't want to ruin the friendship with that plus, he was dating someone else around the time where I felt I was brave enough to even confess it. It seemed wrong to break that up.

Honestly, I've never "gotten over it" in the sense that I still love him. I always will. But I'm no longer in-love with him. I've moved on from ever thinking there will be anything else between us other than friendship and it makes me happy when I think of him finding his true love and being happy some day.

Sometimes I regret that things couldn't have worked out in a different way, but then I stop, think, and realize I'm glad it didn't. Because relationships can end and do end a lot quicker than true friendships do, and I wouldn't trade his friendship for anything else in the world.

All I can say is that it gets better with time. You just have to let go. You cry, you grieve, and one day you look around and realize you still have your best friend and life goes on.

 

[MiyuZen]

Thank you for the replies, I agree with everything you are saying, sometimes its better to have a friendship then a relationship you know won't last. It's just that I feel he doesn't treat me like a close friend most of the time, and that's what I can't accept, but you can't change people or make them care. When we are together everything is so perfect and he always says and does things to show me he does care but he just needs a lot of his own space, which just kills me inside because i'm so lonely without him. I lead a very very busy life, but it makes no difference because I still always have time to miss him.

Also true it's not love if he doesn't love me back, I just want these feelings to stop, nothing I do or say to myself seems to have any effect. I told him I didn't want to speak to him anymore that it was too much for us to 'just be friends' but he said he couldn't let me do that because I had done far too much for him and he would always be there for me if I need him. It just feels like a lie right now.

 

[lights]

"Also true it's not love if he doesn't love me back, I just want these feelings to stop, nothing I do or say to myself seems to have any effect. I told him I didn't want to speak to him anymore that it was too much for us to 'just be friends' but he said he couldn't let me do that because I had done far too much for him and he would always be there for me if I need him. It just feels like a lie right now. "

That's actually very selfish of him. If he knows how you feel and he knows that you can't bear being around him without wanting to be with him, and he wants to keep you around like that. But no one can force you to make that decision. You have to do it within yourself.

 

[MiyuZen]

He actually said why is it so hard to have friendship with women, as this has happened to him many times in the past and he always ends up upsetting women. That statement annoyed me because I dont want to be in the same catergory as everyone else who may want him for his body, I want him for his mind and I thought we had a deep connection but that makes it sound like nothing. I was so confused on the other hand thinking he just isnt ready for a relationship and I should stop trying to force it and be happy with what we have, I cant help this feeling of loneliness within though...

 

[freedom]

it sounds like you really care for this person and would do anything to be with him. there are a lot of things to consider and think about in your situation.

#1- if you've been after him for four years and he's already told you that he's "not into relationships", i would really think about ending the pursuit. i have very little to go on and wish i knew more details, but ending it sounds about right. i'm in a situation similar to yours right now, but she has always given me the hope that she'll be with me someday. i know we'll be together some day, and that's what keeps my hope strong. in your case, what hope has he given you? is there any sign of light at the end of the tunnel?

#2-you mentioned that he's an introvert. introverted males in particular are very hard to deal with in any kind of relationship. i know first hand because i'm one. all of my friends and family members (particularly my dad) think that i don't love them because i don't call them, because i don't visit them, because i seldom talk about my feelings or plans, because i rarely hang out with them and prefer to spend time alone, and because i'm generally a very reserved and quiet guy. i do love them all, but this is just the way that i'm wired together. i'm sure your friend is just like me. if you set aside all biases and emotions, can you see any of these qualities as malignant if you were to be in a relationship with him? i sure could.

#3- you mentioned that your feelings for him won't go away. i think this is largely because you won't let them go. we are all the masters of our universes, and we make the decisions in them. learn to let them go. tell them to leave. no, it's not easy, but i think in your case it's for the best. are you willing to spend another four years trying to conquer him knowing that "he is the way he is and can't change"? how old are you going to be in another four years? where do you see yourself in another four years? he sais he can't change because he is comfortable the way that he is and doesn't want to change. are you going to take him away from his comfort zone just to make him yours? he should be in a comfortable place and at your side, not just one or the other.

anyway, i wish you the best. the best is not always what we think it is, and i hope you find someone or something more promising to fill the void that you feel when you're not with him. we all experience these things, and the best thing we can do is listen to and try the advice that others pass on to us. others have already lived what you're going through, and their experience is the only thing that will save you years of trouble and heartache. good luck.

-freedom

 

[MiyuZen]

Freedom thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

I ask him that first question he doesn't give me an answer but I don't think there is any hope for a relationship in the future. I just can't handle his introverted friendship, friends I don't see or hear from for a month at a time, I don't know what he is doing it's not that I want to know every detail of his life but when things go wrong for him I want to be there for him, I know no one else it and I worry because I care. I'm very good at getting people to open up to me but he is one person who doesn't completely, I know that's the way he is but I find it very hard to deal with. He is the one person who makes me feel better when I'm in a difficult situation but then he is not always there for me. I know I can't expect him to be, but then I don't see how this is close friendship? A lot can happen in the space of a month and everytime we meet it's like we are strangers back to square one. It hurts when I find out things from other people that he should have told me himself. It feels as though I'm not important to him. I know this may not be true but I need reassurance, I feel so insecure about myself as a result.

You yourself being an introvert, can I ask you a question? Do you not feel anything when you don't reply to messages knowing that people really care about you are waiting for a response? i don't message him a lot because I don't want to be clingy but I still have to wait a long time for a reply if any.

You are right I'm not gettin any younger and need to move on and find someone more suited to me, I just feel that there is no one else I will find like him who understands me and that I find interesting and truely care for. I think part of my desire for him is also related to wanting something I can not have, it's not that I want to change him but I also like my own space and I don't see why he doesn't understand that. I have always respected his time alone. There has been points were we spent a lot of time together and it was really great but then he reverted back to being distant again.

Anyway thank you so much all for the replies, everything you have said makes sense and I hope I can try to apply it to my situation.

 

[freedom]

MiyuZen,

i am very proud to have been of assistance to you, and will continue to do so here. to answer your question, yes it hurts inside when i don't reply to a message of any kind IF it's really someone that i really care about and i know cares about me. i myself have a very close and very tight circle of loved ones which consists of my closest friends and family members. i move mountains for them and they do the same for me. you mentioned that it hurts to find things out about him from other people that he should have told you himself. do you mean big things that he does in his daily life? for example, throwing a party at his house and not inviting you, or making plans to move away or to a different part of town and not notifying you, or meeting someone new and dating her and not telling you about her? we introverts usually only talk about our lives (if we talk at all about them) to people in our "circles", as i mentioned before. if he's not telling you about these sorts of things, then i would say you're on the outside. i'm sorry if i'm making this whole thing sound cheesy, but it's the best and simplest way that i can put it.

i know exactly what you mean when you say that you want to be there for him because i feel the same way about the girl that i'm in love with. this girl would just not let me be a part of her life the way that i want to be. i really, really care for her and try and say everything that i can to get her to open up to me and share her life with me, but she has yet to do so. i really wanted to be there for her and be a part of her life when she most needed it, but she never let me in. i missed the time that she was sick in the hospital for three days. i missed the time when she was being bullied by some jerk from down the street. i missed the time when she tried to commit suicide. i even missed the time when she needed help moving from her old house to her new house. i could've been there to help her and nurture her, but she never told me about these things. it broke my heart over and over again everytime i found these things out. i never found out why she never told me about what she was going through, but i later came to understand that she just didn't want my help. that's all i could come up with. afterall, she knows how much i care for her and how my life is in her keeping.

lastly, it's very easy to think that there is no one else out there for you but the person that you're currently in love with. i feel the same way about the girl that i just mentioned. i've been after her for the last 1 1/2 years. we're not together anymore, and i don't even see her anymore, but i send her my greetings with her mother and mail her love letters every chance i get only because she tells me she wants me too. our story is quite complicated, and i won't go into details, but i've made her a promise to be with her again one day. i've gotten way off topic here, but i feel that she's the one for me, and if i can't have her, i won't have anyone else. this is my love philosophy, but i know that the chances of me meeting someone else and falling into someone else's arms are very high. nonetheless, i grasp on to the hope that we'll be together again someday and hang on for dear life.

i know you're probablly thinking i'm some sort of hypocrite because i'm living almost the same situation as you and telling you to go the other way. for that i'm sorry, but i'm really trying to help you out. anyway, if i don't reply and you want to hear more, just send me a pm and i'll get back to you. i wish you the best

 

[nerdygirl]

I'm usually the best friend that somebody is in love with. And I'm the one who says I just don't have it in me to give more. You know what? If he said it, he probably meant it. Trying to figure out why he feels that way... trying to change how he feels... that isn't really fair to either of you. If you cannot respect yourself enough to make the sincere effort to change how you feel, respect him enough.

I often end up terminating friendships that go this way because it starts feeling really awkward. I mean, you feel really guilty, knowing the person cares so much when you don't feel the same way. So then you go beyond what you might really want to do, because you feel like you owe it to the person. Then, that makes the person get these ideas that you secretly harbor more feelings, so then you're like, "Crap!" and you get more distant for a while. Then, you miss your friend, AND you feel bad because the distance you put in there to try to make up for being extra nice has now caused the person to feel bad. So then, you've got this whole wretched cycle.

 

[MiyuZen]

Thank you for your replies. My friend recently spoke to him and he said he does care about me but he is not the type of person to express it and he appreciates our friendship but is very much focused on his own thing and thats how he likes his life. I was away for 2 weeks and he hasn't made any effort to meet me since I've been back, its been another 2 weeks, I feel like he would be really happy to tell me about some good news that came his way but my passion for it has now died. I do feel very pathetic for feeling the way I do over something my head understands but my heart won't let go. I have been happy alone in my life until I met him and I cant understand why I can't still be happy, It just feels like there is a hole there. I feel like I have lost my best friend.

Freedom I hope you will find happiness, I can relate to you doing everything for the girl and still waiting, maybe you should move on also and find someone who appreciates you, its a hard thing to do, but dont let her take you for granted.

Everyone says appreciate the friendship and I would but in my case it means contact once or twice a month, that is not enough for me? my friends think this is fine? I feel so much worse that he has messaged me to tell me how happy he is for my other friend who recently got back with her boyfriend, I dont know why he is doing this to me, it seems like he is always making comments when he sees couples together, it feels like he is insensitive or just doesnt realise how much this hurts me.

Nerdygirl you have described my situation exactly, I know I just have to let it go. I dont want to change him, I love him for who he is, it just hurts when he ignores me and makes no effort at all at our friendship but then the next minute everything is really good again and he tells me he will always be there for me which is not true.

 

[VanillaCreme]

He actually said why is it so hard to have friendship with women, as this has happened to him many times in the past and he always ends up upsetting women. That statement annoyed me because I dont want to be in the same catergory as everyone else who may want him for his body, I want him for his mind and I thought we had a deep connection but that makes it sound like nothing. I was so confused on the other hand thinking he just isnt ready for a relationship and I should stop trying to force it and be happy with what we have, I cant help this feeling of loneliness within though...

Sounds to me the reason why he even cares about being such a good friend to you in the first place is because he thought it wouldn't turn into anything more. We never really know what's going on in someone's mind. He may be going through something that he doesn't even realize yet. I made the mistake in telling my friend that I liked him, and I kind of wish I hadn't, because I think it kind of put a wall between us. We were close to each other, so I didn't see the big deal. But I guess it's just one of those weird things. We don't talk anymore, and to be honest, I would have rather kept his friendship than to ever be in love with him.

 

[MiyuZen]

I'm sorry everyone I know I must sound really pathetic and the answer is really simple - appreciate our friendship, but to think and to feel are different things. I never used to be like this at all, I was strong independent, never let my feelings rule how I acted, I have lots of friends I was happy but once I made the connection with him things changed. I've never been lucky with men, most of the time because the ones I like dont like me then ones that like me I dont like, I have a history of all my close male friends wanting more and me not feeling the same, this time it was the other way around and I only told him how I felt because I thought he felt it too. I didn't know he was not into relationships he had broken up with his girlfriend I had heard some while a go but this was four years ago, since I met him he has been single. I just wanted a chance, him not giving that to me triggered off a lot of insecurity in me about my looks and my personality, I think I'm just not good enough for him, I wanted a reason why but he wont give me one, simply because he is telling me the truth - he just wants to do his own thing.

sorry for going on so much on this thread but writing it down somewhere does help. Sadly I found a journal entry I wrote where I had these exact same feelings and I looked at the date and it was 2 years ago...... I've been through a lot of emotional stress this year and I think I've focused a lot on him but I think I've been depressed for other reasons and he was the one to help me through things but it just seems like he is no longer there and I really miss him and the close friendship we shared.

 

[MiyuZen]

Freedom - It is a mixture of things, I don't think he does it intentionally, and I think the people he does tell are the people who constantly try to contact him - I no longer do because I don't want to seem persistent I don't know where the line is to being clingy and needy with him so I don't call at all but send an occasional text.

Nerdygirl I completely understand you but I need to talk about things with him otherwise I can not move on myself, I am also human too and have my own issues, he could at least explain to me what he is thinking / feeling otherwise I will become more and more insecure.

I am suffering from depression, and my GP has referred me to therapy. One thing that is really on my mind right now is to write him a letter to explain what I am thinking and feeling and to tell him that I love him but I just want us to be friends and feel as though he doesn't see me as a close friend.

I know this might end our friendship but it will act as closure for me so I can move on otherwise nothing will change. I keep changing my mind about if I should send it or not, maybe if I do he will read it and act as though nothing has happened? I don't really know what to expect, it's not he is making the effort with me nowdays anyway.