Initiating Communication

[Case]

I realized that a major contributor to my loneliness is my fear. Here's an example: I have a few close friends who I contact occasionally because I am so comfortable with them. These are the people I socialize with the most. But the ones I know who are not as close but are still friendly with me, I never contact. I never pick up the phone to see how any of them are doing. Then, one day, I got a call from a guy I hadn't talked to in a few months. In our short conversation, he said, "I was just calling to see how you were doing."

Why is it that I don't do these things? I see people call friends out of the blue and say, "I was just thinking about you and thought it'd be great to talk to you."

That's when I fell upon fear being the problem. Fear of rejection, fear that they really don't like me, fear that they're too busy living their fabulous lives, etc. In fact, I will even do this to my close friends. I will think, "She's too busy for me," or "I shouldn't bother her," or other fear-based excuses. It's so easy and so convenient to wait for others to call, but what if they think I don't want to talk to them, thus creating a mutual lack of initiative that causes neither of us to communicate for long stretches of time?

This even extends to my online friends. There are times when I will just drop out of a PM exchange, mostly because I am busy with other things, but then it occurs to me that I haven't PM'd this person in a while, but I would feel guilty about not communicating, so I stop myself from reaching out to them.

It's like my own brain is saying to me, "STOP COMMUNICATING WITH PEOPLE."

Why do some people find it so easy to maintain a large number of friends, and why do I find it so difficult sometimes to initiate communication with the few friends I have left?

 

[Peaches]

yes, when I see someone making a "I call to see how you are doing" phone call I am always surprised and a bit jealous, never been able to make one. Thank god, since the internet, I can do chat pings "to see how you are doing", but taking the phone for some reason is still a daunting task (not that I don't do it, but much less)
if anyone knows some tricks to overcome this, I'd like to know them

 

[LonelySutton]

Why is it that I don't do these things? I see people call friends out of the blue and say, "I was just thinking about you and thought it'd be great to talk to you." Why do some people find it so easy to maintain a large number of friends, and why do I find it so difficult sometimes to initiate communication with the few friends I have left?

It is fear of rejection but I have to say I don't think my "fear" is that big. It might also be a social norm. I think today everyone might have been taught that it is not a good thing to admit you like the company of others. To say, I like you.. so openly just isn't cool today - among a LOT of people. Though not all. If you look at older movies people will just walk right up to other people and say "hello" I would like to talk to you... but in like the cynical 1970s ... it seemed to change and interactions didn't go that way.

Most of the cool people I know seem to like this inhibition and will straight up say they like you... even if that gets them into trouble. With sexual harassment concerns etc. They are I think oblivious.

In addition I think we could be more sensitive to perceived rejection in the voice or way someone acts. Perhaps one reason e-mails or private messages can put us more at ease because it is harder to pick up on emotion.

 

[Case]

Well, I tried something different. Instead of calling people, I texted this phrase to six people: "How are you doing?" Some I started with a "Hi, <insert name of recipient,>" in case it felt necessary. These six people don't know each other, so they couldn't call each other and say, "Did you just get a spam text from Case?" lol

After 3 1/2 hours, I got five responses out of six. Not bad for a spur-of-the-moment text. And it laid my loneliness to rest for a bit. At least until the next dry spell.

Thank god, since the internet, I can do chat pings "to see how you are doing", but taking the phone for some reason is still a daunting task (not that I don't do it, but much less)

I consider chat pings similar to texting. In my mind, I can send a text, and the person can get back to me when he or she is free. In fact, I hardly use the phone, except to call customer service lines and do personal business. I rarely sit on a phone and just talk to anyone anymore. It's usually a pre-arranged thing, or it's an emergency.

It is fear of rejection but I have to say I don't think my "fear" is that big. It might also be a social norm. I think today everyone might have been taught that it is not a good thing to admit you like the company of others. To say, I like you.. so openly just isn't cool today - among a LOT of people. Though not all. If you look at older movies people will just walk right up to other people and say "hello" I would like to talk to you... but in like the cynical 1970s ... it seemed to change and interactions didn't go that way.

Most of the cool people I know seem to like this inhibition and will straight up say they like you... even if that gets them into trouble. With sexual harassment concerns etc. They are I think oblivious.

Honestly, yes. It's a product of my fear of rejection, but also, it's part of my over-thinking mind. My anxiety builds whenever I imagine how people don't like me, don't want me around, may think I'm irritating, or overstaying my welcome, etc. It's all in my head, of course. My friends aren't my friends for no reason, but I still have old habits, and old habits sure do die hard.

As for generational differences in how people approach each other, I honestly don't know about that since I was a shy kid in the Seventies and would get noticeably nervous if a girl talked to me. The only example I have of someone in the Seventies just coming up to me and saying "I like you" was this one girl back in elementary school. She was taller than me, older than me, and she was persistent as hell in trying to get close to me. She made me super-nervous and super-excited at the same time. lol

Unfortunately, the nervousness won the day, and so she soon moved on to someone else. I still look back at that girl and imagine what might have been if I wasn't so damned shy back then. (sigh)

In addition I think we could be more sensitive to perceived rejection in the voice or way someone acts. Perhaps one reason e-mails or private messages can put us more at ease because it is harder to pick up on emotion.

I think one of the biggest problems with text or email communication is that it is so easy to misinterpret what someone means, especially if someone is not the greatest at writing a message. That's why a little understanding goes a long way.

 

[ardour]

It's probably as simple as not wanting to bother them on appear needy. Sure it's understandable because nobody wants to look that way, but if they are truly friends then they should be happy to hear from you. If not then at least you know.

 

[Wanderer145]

I have never understood this. For the few friends I had they on the rare occasion message me to ask how I'm doing. Sometimes I get the odd friend request from some people I deleted or havent spoken to or never spoken to online in years. Straight up reject that as what is the point of them calling out of the blue when I never talked to that person? Initiating communication with strangers however...its like almost everyone I talk to no matter how confident they appear...I have to be the one to break the ice. Case in point starting a new job then going on a night out with some colleagues 'you were really quiet when you came, you didn't talk to people' When someone new comes in...they have to make themselves known and feel welcome without those people already established there doing that. Just ridiculous.

 

[Oblomov]

I think some of this may have to do with training. Most people learn from a very early age that it is rude to interrupt conversations, yet some are not taught how to determine whether someone is having a conversation. So when they see people sitting or standing together in a social environment, they assume some uninterruptible conversation is taking place, even when this is not the case. Maybe something similar happens with social connection in general. Reconnecting with people can be difficult because one imagines that their friend has moved on to converse with someone else. Facebook may confirm their new circle of friends. But since being friendly to certain people doesn't necessarily mean being unfriendly to everyone else (unless you’re one of those fortunate people who’s constantly in demand by everyone ), attention shouldn't be treated as it is in the ‘conversation-model’ of social interaction. Some may be very exclusive with their circle, but the majority of people are probably not.

In my experience, it’s rare that a person will completely cast off old friends and not welcome communication. Those who do shouldn't expect their old friends to know that they have been cast away, as this is impossible to anticipate. I’m always pleased to be ‘interrupted’ by an old (or new) friend asking for coffee or lunch, and tend I do more than my fair share of ‘interrupting’ others, too.

 

[hye345]

I think its partially fear of rejection, but for me, there's also the fear that we might not have anything to talk about. Let's face it, if you haven't communicated with someone in a while, even if they have been nice to you, then if suddenly put in a room together (metaphorically or otherwise), then topics of conversation might be slim.

 

[thelonegamer]

I must disagree with you, Oblomov. I would see as a bother if someone I don't chat with nor share some kind of interests, calls me up randomly out of the blue after going years seeing each other at school, parties, events, I go like why now and not before? It makes no sense.
I particularly share the same feeling, Case. I feel like I'd be bothering them because their life are moving on and have a lot of success and that I'd be kind of a delay to their success so I absolutely don't call nor chat online. I just rather sit alone by myself than being with someone who's bothered by my presence there.
Then there's where the twist happens: the person calls you and asks why so long silent, I've missed you and bla bla bla. And your face in the mirror goes 'wtf'.
Here's the but part: I just call them, no matter how fear-shattered am I, I just acknowledge that I might be rejected and go with it. 9 out of 10 attempts to hang out got rejected. 9 out of 10 attempts to chat online were successful.
I just rather stick by my routine friends, rather acquaintances, I see through my routine: school buddies, girlfriend aside, people on the street, old foes I see crossing the street. Period. In your case, Case, would be work buddies and co.
I just rather be alone than to bother someone or to be bothered

 

[edamame721]

I think its partially fear of rejection, but for me, there's also the fear that we might not have anything to talk about. Let's face it, if you haven't communicated with someone in a while, even if they have been nice to you, then if suddenly put in a room together (metaphorically or otherwise), then topics of conversation might be slim.

This. I had an awkward conversation with two friends months ago that I hadn't seen in a while. It was hard to find a good conversation topic we had in common.

I also had another friend who brushed me off for a long time on actually meeting up. I was the the one always picking up the phone but she was too busy with her life to sustain our friendship in a healthy way. We then had a major falling out and I started moving on, but she never quite got it until months and months later. When she asked what happened, I told her she was the one who wanted to meet no more than once a season when we lived in the same city. She also brushed off my attempts at contact to simple loneliness.