Irrational fear of being judged by my parents...

[user 9172]

I have had a problem with social anxiety for the last 12 years of my life. It started when my 10 year elder brother became schizophrenic, causing a great deal of stress for myself and my family which in turn caused me to become anxious around other people.

Anyway, I'm 24 now, so I've dealt with social anxiety for the latter half of my life. I have made a lot of progress in this last half a year though and feel as though I am fairly confident, and not very anxious around people and in social situations. I still live with my parents because I can't yet afford to move out.

There is still one major thing that causes me a great deal of anxiety though: I am constantly worrying when I do things that my parents are going to judge me negatively. I have this worry constantly when I do anything new, especially if there is a social aspect to it. The thing is... they never have judged me... and yet I still fear it.

My anxiety in this regard goes back to the early days of my social anxiety when my brother was ill. His schizophrenia was caused by recreational drug use. He was a very social person (and still is now he's better.) I was repeatedly told that I shouldn't make the same mistakes he had made. Somehow in my head I think I have this idea that my parents are watching and judging me constantly.

I find that when I want to do something, particularly social, I feel anxious that my parents will question me about it... sometimes I fight through the anxiety and do it anyway, and sometimes I give in to the anxiety and forget about it. Like I said though, my parents have never, ever judged me or tried to control me, or anything like that.

Actually, my parents say that I need to get out more, and that I need to meet new people, and that I need to get a girlfriend, and that I need to make some friends, and that I need some social hobbies, and so on and so on. And yet... I still have this constant nagging anxiety about every little decision I make: I want to start a class but what will my parents think; I want to take this job but what will my parents think; I want to join this club but what will my parents think; I want to go to this gig but what will my parents think; I want to do almost anything but what will my parents think... you get the picture.

I have this idea that when I can afford to move out, then the problem will cease to exist because I wont be living with them. They wont be there constantly to hypothetically judge me. I'm not sure how realistic that actually is though; I don't know for sure that it will fix the problem my mind has created.

I have made progress in other areas of my anxiety by taking a gradual approach to exposure and changing the way I think. I guess the same formula will work, but I'm not really sure how to start? I'm struggling to find a starting point where the anxiety level is low enough that I can make constant progress. Any suggestions are welcome, as is any advice.

I don't know if anyone can relate to this; I know it's a pretty specific problem, but if you can it would be nice to hear.

 

[holsten1]

Sounds to me like you really just need to do what makes you happy. You don't seem like you have social problems, just the irrational fear of being judged by your parents.

I'm sure you and your parents have been through loads of stress with your brothers diagnosis and everything, so I'm sure all they want is for you to do whatever makes you happy. I'm sure if you talked to them about it they'd say the same.

I don't think parents ever really judge their kids about the kind of things you're worrying about. Obviously I don't know your parents but from what you've said they're good parents so I think you have nothing to worry about.

You probably know all of this already so I doubt this will be of much good. Still I'm sure once you do a few things you're afraid of your parents judging you for then the rest will fall into place and you'll stop worrying.

I think the only advice I can think of (and I have no idea what I'm talking about really so don't take my word for it) is to just do something you're really terrified of them judging you for. Throw yourself in at the deep end sort of thing. Then once you realise that they didn't care about whatever it was in the first place, you won't be afraid to do other honeysuckle.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'm sort of in the same situation with my mom. Only I'm not scared. It just irritates me. It's rather sad because I can't have a decent conversation with her without her saying SOMETHING about something I do or how I look or anything. But if your parents have said anything to you by now, they probably won't. So you have nothing to fear. If they do say something, it's only because they're concerned about you. So, do yourself a favor and listen to them when they tell you stuff. Even if you don't agree, listen to them.

 

[ConfuciusSpeak]

I think I understand what you are going through. I sort of went through a similar situation in my life right about the time period you've mentioned. I've made major decisions hoping to please the parent. Decisions that changed the course of my life altogether. I made those choices not wanting to be judged by the society in general and thinking I wanted my parent's happiness. What I forgot to realize was that all they want is the best life for their children and in their eyes their children can never be bad or judged. I might as well have done what 'I' genuinely wanted to do instead of double guessing and making mistakes and in the process making myself and them in turn miserable.

Just try to unwind, relax and do things that make you happy. It might be as simple as going to the movies/shopping with your friends, going to the gym, biking or any other form of physical activity, preferably with a partner. Go out with friends and I'm sure your parents will approve of them as they love you unconditionally and want nothing but joy for you. It is unfortunate to hear about your brother's condition, but you have to be strong. Strong, cheerful and happy mainly for yourself and for your family as well.

Don't be worried about being judged. EVERYONE makes mistakes. Fear/shame or feeling of being judged shouldn't hold us back from moving forward and progressing towards becoming a better human being. There are so many wonderful things the world has to offer your. There are so many people in the world who need you. You could volunteer for a cause. Find a shelter in your area and read for the children there. Their smile will catch on you and cheer you up pretty quickly. That I am very sure of.

Good luck!

 

[IgnoredOne]

Once you move out, you won't care so much anymore. Out of sight, out of hearing and out of mind.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Kind da...I hated my father becuase he was an alcholic. Bascailly an addict of sort.

That fear of being like him actaully cuase me to be kind of like him....


But Im not like him...becuase I stop drinking at a very young age. And Im not a violent abusive person.


Ive always been able to put a drink down but its that phobia of being like him that I actually dont drink today or doing everything the opposite of him to the extreem...thats its kindda messed me up.

Ive made progress over the years.
A lot of it is rooting out my belief
and reprogramming myself.

I also use the sedona methode.
This too is a healing process.
Cuase lots of old ideas will still pop into
my mind. Im getting better at letting them go and not running with them.
I catch myself more...but not always perfect at it.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Wow, I feel strangely similar too.

In my case it's more about relationships, I always feel like my parents will judge me for going out with someone. No idea why - they're not judgemental, just just like yours.

In some ways it's like I don't want to "let them down" - is your feeling like that too?

It's weird

 

[JamaisVu]

I can relate. It's just an aspect of my social anxiety. My approach is to directly ask that people not question me too much about every little detail of my life. I just outright state that it makes me feel scrutinized if it's done too often. Questions like "What are you thinking?" and "What are you doing?" and "Why are you doing that?" and "What did you do today?" bother me if it becomes habitual or if I know I'll be asked when I may not care to give an honest answer.

With my parents I kept my life private. They were some of the most judgemental people I've ever met, they actually disowned one of my brothers when he married outside our race and I've been disowned now by my father because I refused to tolerate his sociopathic threats. That said, they had no power over me whatsoever and it was ultimately a waste of time to avoid conflict for the sake of maintaining a cordial relationship.

In most cases there's no reason to fear judgements and criticism, it doesn't matter what people think unless you're stuck dealing with them regularly and they have power over your life. In your case I think once you move out and aren't at the mercy of your parents, you'll be much more comfortable making your own decisions. If you haven't recovered from the general social anxiety when you move out you may still dread criticism from people who are important to you (coworkers, neighbors, friends), but your parents' opinions will no longer be your first priority.