Is fear keeping you from relationships?

[VeganAtheist]

How much does fear negatively affect your relationships or prevent you from establishing one?

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Fear seems to be a big reason why I have haven't had many romantic relationships and why the ones I have had ended rather poorly.

It's one of the reasons I don't really have any friends outside of work.

I don't really know what to do about it - it is so ingrained in who I am, I am not sure how I could remove it.

Anyone else notice this as a problem in their life? Any tips?

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

I have a HUGE problem trusting other people with my emotions. I'm generally a pretty sensitive person and if I'm around people who aren't or who think that I'm "too sensitive" I will pretty much just shut down and withdraw because I feel like I can't be myself around them.

I've been trying to learn how to more comfortably express myself and to learn how to tell jerks to stuff it when they need to be told to do so.

Romantically and friendship wise, I've had very few friends throughout my life, and it isn't because other people don't like me, it's because I don't like or trust most other people.

 

[Tiina63]

Yes, I have this problem. My fear is caused by a lack of trust. Trusting other people is something I find very difficult after:
1.being bullied by a number of people in several different environments
2. being in an abusive relationship for several years, and
3. as the above poster has said, being told by some people that I am 'too sensitive,' and other issues which I won't go into
I am unsure how you could go about changing things for yourself. Learning not to fear other people is very hard if there is noone in your life who can or will help you to get over your fear by being there for you, being consistent in their support, and genuinely caring about you. I find that I have to cling on to the small bits of kindness which come my way.

 

[Nicolelt]

I am half scared of a new relationship, half just don't want to try anymore. I don't want to say I am picky now, but if I see something like my old relationships were like (abusive, cheating, etc.) I run. I'm too the point I just don't try to find anyone.

 

[MrPaul]

My ex was just lovely. I don't know if its because we parted out of her families decision and not ours (and we never argued over the years we were together) but I get an overwhelming guilt thinking about another relationship... I've become quite accustomed to a lonely life style.

Sure it get hard at times thinking "So Lonely... wai no cuddles? O.O" but when I'm occupied the thoughts are gone and I'm happy.

 

[LonelySutton]

I am half scared of a new relationship, half just don't want to try anymore.

I just don't want to try anymore. And it is fear of opening myself to a lousy person. Considering that most everyone I meet IS or turns out to be a lousy person... what is the point? When manners were more in vogue you at least had a shot of having someone keep their horrible selves in check... no so much anymore. I am a magnet for abusive users... who won't leave.

 

[Nicolelt]

I am half scared of a new relationship, half just don't want to try anymore.

I just don't want to try anymore. And it is fear of opening myself to a lousy person. Considering that most everyone I meet IS or turns out to be a lousy person... what is the point? When manners were more in vogue you at least had a shot of having someone keep their horrible selves in check... no so much anymore. I am a magnet for abusive users... who won't leave.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

 

[WildernessWildChild]

No.

 

[Triple Bogey]

No
women don't like me is the problem !

 

[Rosewood]

Triple Bogey I really like the things you have written. I can't see why a women wouldn't like you. I am a woman ( yes, just checked again to be sure) and you seem likable so far. Wit and intelligence are there. If your honest as most people are in a similar posting forum because it's antonymous then I don't see the issue. Your a great guy.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Triple Bogey I really like the things you have written. I can't see why a women wouldn't like you. I am a woman ( yes, just checked again to be sure) and you seem likable so far. Wit and intelligence are there. If your honest as most people are in a similar posting forum because it's antonymous then I don't see the issue. Your a great guy.

Thank you Rosewood for your kind words.
I think I'm a great guy too !
Just wish something good would happen instead of crap. I don't try much because it all seems a waste of time. I have no hope whatsoever. I haven't got a good experience to think back on, that's the problem. Nothing good has happened. All rubbish.

 

[Wanderer145]

It's a little fear but mostly its just very difficult to meet people for friendships let alone relationships. A few things may be holding me back it may be some problem with myself being alone for years and not knowing how to meet women despite some attempts.

 

[Rosewood]

Bogey That's not quite entirely true.You have some hope. You got out of bed right? Unless you have a laptop in there(giggle)) You also posted hoping for some kind of interaction. You also replied a positive response to my words. Yes, they are free, However what ascribes them value is they are unsolicited. You didn't expect a pretty lady like me to say hey "What a Great guy".

 

[Regumika]

You didn't expect a pretty lady like me to say hey "What a Great guy".

And there must be a reason why 99% of the time it just stops there.

Not to single you out Rosewood, not at all. This is true almost everywhere.

 

[choxie]

I have a lot of fear that negatively affects my life, it seems.

I think I read somewhere else on this forum (!) that setting a quota of slightly scary things to do in a day might help. For instance, if you're scared of talking to strangers, when you're out on the street, make it a point that you HAVE to talk to one stranger today (ask for the time, compliment the on their hat, ask directions, whatever); or if you see someone you like, but are scared of rejection, tell yourself that you'll give yourself 3 seconds of freaking out before it is mandatory that you approach them.
What also helps is realizing that failing to do things out of fear is sure to keep your life the same, but if you take action toward it, at least there's a chance of something better happening. I know it's easier said than done, and I obviously still struggle with this, but these things seem to resonate with me a bit more.

THIS IS THE THREAD: http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=17106

 

[VeganAtheist]

I have a HUGE problem trusting other people with my emotions. I'm generally a pretty sensitive person and if I'm around people who aren't or who think that I'm "too sensitive" I will pretty much just shut down and withdraw because I feel like I can't be myself around them.

I've been trying to learn how to more comfortably express myself and to learn how to tell jerks to stuff it when they need to be told to do so.

Romantically and friendship wise, I've had very few friends throughout my life, and it isn't because other people don't like me, it's because I don't like or trust most other people.

Until this last relationship, I did have issue trusting people with my emotions. I am pretty sensitive in general but was often able to hide it pretty well. I haven't learned how to tell jerks to stuff it but I have learned to avoid jerks, though admittedly not in a healthy way.

Yes, I have this problem. My fear is caused by a lack of trust. Trusting other people is something I find very difficult after:
1.being bullied by a number of people in several different environments
2. being in an abusive relationship for several years, and
3. as the above poster has said, being told by some people that I am 'too sensitive,' and other issues which I won't go into
I am unsure how you could go about changing things for yourself. Learning not to fear other people is very hard if there is noone in your life who can or will help you to get over your fear by being there for you, being consistent in their support, and genuinely caring about you. I find that I have to cling on to the small bits of kindness which come my way.

Sorry that you were treated that way
Nobody deserves to get treated poorly. I am glad that you are able to cling on the small bits of kindness. Few would blame you if you had given up seeking even that.

I am half scared of a new relationship, half just don't want to try anymore. I don't want to say I am picky now, but if I see something like my old relationships were like (abusive, cheating, etc.) I run. I'm too the point I just don't try to find anyone.

I can understand. Part of me wants to stop trying. Part of me believes that I shouldn't be trying.

My ex was just lovely. I don't know if its because we parted out of her families decision and not ours (and we never argued over the years we were together) but I get an overwhelming guilt thinking about another relationship... I've become quite accustomed to a lonely life style.

Sure it get hard at times thinking "So Lonely... wai no cuddles? O.O" but when I'm occupied the thoughts are gone and I'm happy.

awww that is quite sad. But I am glad you are happy now.

I am half scared of a new relationship, half just don't want to try anymore.

I just don't want to try anymore. And it is fear of opening myself to a lousy person. Considering that most everyone I meet IS or turns out to be a lousy person... what is the point? When manners were more in vogue you at least had a shot of having someone keep their horrible selves in check... no so much anymore. I am a magnet for abusive users... who won't leave.

I can understand that fear. I personally haven't been with a lousy person - or at least I don't think so. Part of me thinks that maybe I am that lousy person and I need to stay single to prevent damage to other humans.

No
women don't like me is the problem !

Well, there is that for me too!

It's a little fear but mostly its just very difficult to meet people for friendships let alone relationships. A few things may be holding me back it may be some problem with myself being alone for years and not knowing how to meet women despite some attempts.

It is very difficult meeting people. I live in this huge city but I have major problems with it.

I have a lot of fear that negatively affects my life, it seems.

I think I read somewhere else on this forum (!) that setting a quota of slightly scary things to do in a day might help. For instance, if you're scared of talking to strangers, when you're out on the street, make it a point that you HAVE to talk to one stranger today (ask for the time, compliment the on their hat, ask directions, whatever); or if you see someone you like, but are scared of rejection, tell yourself that you'll give yourself 3 seconds of freaking out before it is mandatory that you approach them.
What also helps is realizing that failing to do things out of fear is sure to keep your life the same, but if you take action toward it, at least there's a chance of something better happening. I know it's easier said than done, and I obviously still struggle with this, but these things seem to resonate with me a bit more.

THIS IS THE THREAD: http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=17106

I should try that maybe.

 

[Red_Wedding_Casualty]

It's the one thing that will always stop me dead in my tracks when it comes to ever starting romantic relationships. My situation is like many others who find themselves here. A guy in his late 20's and never having really done anything with a girl. Sad thing is that for the past 2/3 years I have(had?) a great circle of friends that understood my problem and tried to encourage me. If I ever ventured out to the clubbing scene with them, they'd arm me with the tried and true talks of confidence, and encouraged me to make those first moves. All for naught of course. Fear of failure and rejection takes its hold, my feet are stayed, and more often than not I end up leaving the party early. This year, they've gone to extremes-going so far as to even actively set me up with potential dates. The last one was wonderful too. Managed to get 3 friendly dates from her. She discovered that alot of my problems was with my attire(I supposedly dress in sizes too big for my body size). And a true anime/gamer princess to boot. I won't meet anyone else like her, and I've resigned myself to there being no more after her. Alas, fear takes it's hold again, I hold myself back from being the bold adventurous man I'm supposed to be, and the result: Friendzone scenarios that eventually I'll find myself drifting away from. I sense that my friends have started to give up on me too. I can't exactly blame them either. I mean, 3 years of repeated encouragement, and at best all I've done is taken babysteps. I can imagine they're tired of the whole rigmarol. I'll be invited to less and less things, and eventually vanish from the group completely. I know I'll have no one to blame but myself for this, and I'll know what I was supposed to do to stop it from happening.

But....

The OP mentions fear being so ingrained to the point that it's a part of who he is. The thing to consider here, is that EVERYONE deals with fear-even the Jersey Shore cutouts guys such as myself love to hate. It's a natural emotion. To not know it means that there is something seriously wrong with you. John Cena once said in an interview, "Fear is an emotion. Cowardice is a choice". So you see, it's not fear that is ingrained into people such as the OP and myself. It's cowardice. It's the choice that feeds our fears. The choice to give that girl a safe reply, the choice to not comment on her looks, to not attempt physical contact, etc, etc. The afformentioned Jersey Shore cutouts chose to face their fears, and to fight and conquer them. Meanwhile we've chosen to bow our heads. And we've done this so many times that it's become as natural as breathing-to the point where we are probably dependant on it. The OP has a good reason to do this-as past relationships have no doubt left him with permanent burns. My case is as I've mentioned several times before. Failure and rejection.

There is no nice way to put this. We walk the coward's path. And while I can't speak for the OP, I know that I'm too far gone to turn around.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Although I may have other things to fear, as others fear being hurt, I still acknowledge fear being one of the main reasons for me not having a relationship.
So yes. Fear may be crippling when it comes to forming a relationship.

 

[ardour]

If it were fear, that would certainly appeal more to my ego. "Ahh.. it's my own fear of intimacy or being hurt" Sure, that's been the reason all along

I'm with Triple Bogey. As it applies to us anyway. Fears to do with trust, insecurity and getting out of a lifetime forged comfort zone would certainly arise should they have a chance (considering how we have little-to-no experience.) But mainly it's the tiresomely predictable fact that most single women in the right age group think you're hitting on them with any attempt at conversation. Which makes conversation awkward, difficult, not to mention boring. The majority of the time personal qualities, interests or life goals don't matter, as you can never just speak normally enough to get to know one another.

EDIT: this isn't really relevant..

 

[sk66rc]

Although fear may be a natural emotion, depending on personal experiences, some people may not be affected by it all that much... Most of the times, I just feel indifferent... Not for better or worse, & regardless of how I came to be so indifferent about so many things, that's what keeps me from fearing a lot of things... Without going into details, I've had some experiences that made me realize everyday is a gift... If everything went the way they were supposed to, I should've been dead umpteen years ago... Sortta puts things in perspective... I do have my doubts about things & I'm still cautious about certain things... But never about relationships of any kind...