Is he using me or not?

[lolagemma]

okay, so, just before march, I met someone, who genuinly seemed interested in me, typical situation after a few weeks of meeting, talking, going on a few dates, meals out, it got to the point where I started to like him quite a lot. I plucked up the courage to tell him this, and my reply was, "I'm sorry but I'm not wanting a relationship atm" now, I'm an understanding kind of girl, and I just let it be, we started sleeping together (unacceptable I know!) after the first few times I told myself I can't do this blahblah, It will make matters worse for myself, and you bet I've done just that. I've fallen for him, completely. I've told him and he just tells me he feels bad. I do not know what to do, and I can feel him drifting away from me, he used to make so much effort, he'd text me in the morning, so I had anice text to wake up to, he'd ask to meet me at least once a week, he'd take me out, and he'd be lovely and we'd both put effort into spending time with each other. Now? It's all me, I am lucky if he asks to see me, he doesn't hardly bother texting, I do not know what to do, and I'm starting to feel like I never really meant that much, someone help!

 

[hbkdx12]

Are you guys still sleeping together even though he's become distant?

If not then it doesn't really seem like he's using you. it just looks like your holding on to something that isn't there.

 

[lolagemma]

Are you guys still sleeping together even though he's become distant?

If not then it doesn't really seem like he's using you. it just looks like your holding on to something that isn't there.

We haven't slept together as much, normally it would be a few times a week, it's been like, once in 3 weeks.
and I know, I'm fooling myself again, it's just why did he seem so interested in me, and why at one point did he tell me he liked me, when now, it doesn't even matter to him anymore.

 

[hbkdx12]

Honestly, as a guy i've done the same thing (although usually its before sex became involved. At that point things become different) It's easy to tell when someone wants to commit more or advance things further than you do. So he genuinely might like spending time with you and being with you but isn't ready for the commitment but because he knows you are, it might be difficult for him to forcibly say "I don't like you like that" because he knows it'll hurt you. So he distances himself and does things that subtly give you the idea that he's not interested on the same level so you can draw those conclusions yourself as oppose to him physically saying the words and hurting you.

Although im sure it hurts regardless though and for that im sorry. But i think you shouldn't sleep with him anymore and don't try to keep yourself on his mind by reaching out to him. What he does from that point will be an indication to you about how he views you and the situation

 

[lolagemma]

It sure does, and yeah well, I think with the whole me wanting to commit, it's like, I've been scared to get close to anyone since my last breakup, which was about a year and a half, so, he's the first person i've felt anywhere near that with.
So many friends have told me he's not good enough, or that he'll hurt me, or he's using me which tends to make me more paranoid of the situation and generally makes me feels worse.
I've already told him I don't want to sleep with him and he just made a joke saying how I would probably end up doing it, so I don't know, I'll try and leave him to it, be more distant myself and see if anything changes, I just hope I can eventually get over him so that we can be fairly good friends.

 

[hbkdx12]

The fact that he would make a joke about the idea that you guys would still have sex even though you're telling him you don't want to suggest that not only is he comfortable with where the situation is but he's comfortable with the idea that you'll stick with the situation (occasional sex with no real commitment) and that he doesn't take you seriously when you tell him that's not what you want which starts to go into the realm of him using you and taking advantage.

Best thing is to keep your distant. Get to know other guys if thats what it takes.

 

[lolagemma]

I know, :/ thankyou for your advice, much appreciated. x

 

[lolagemma]

Nevermind, change of events, he said he had feelings for the the first few weeks, but then after that it went away, and since we started sleeping together, he found it hard not to do it, because he enjoyed it too much.
Apparently, he "didn't mean to hurt my feelings."

Fair to say, I'mdone ith this bullshit.

 

[labelsorlove3]

I actually went through a similar situation with a guy I dated for almost a year, or so I thought. I guess that it turned more into "friends with benefits" without my knowledge. I was so upset when I found out... he started canceling a lot saying it was school/work related and I trusted him so I just went along with it. Eventually one day I confronted him and he just became extremely rude eventually admitting it was more just sex for him now than anything & I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said "well I knew if I would have mentioned it... you would have no longer wanted to be intimate." I was so embarrassed. I actually thought the relationship was going somewhere.

Ironically enough he just text me for the first time in six months to apologize for the way he acted- like he wants to be best friends and act like he wasn't a complete jerk. Part of me missed him because I'm so lonely and don't have much of a social life, but I keep telling myself to let it go and move on.

Stay strong & don't give in- I realized that by giving in it just made me weaker and much vulnerable!

Nevermind, change of events, he said he had feelings for the the first few weeks, but then after that it went away, and since we started sleeping together, he found it hard not to do it, because he enjoyed it too much.
Apparently, he "didn't mean to hurt my feelings."

Fair to say, I'mdone ith this bullshit.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Is he using you? Sounds like he is finished with you. It sounds like he was finished with you the moment you stopped putting out. Everything you said he is putting no effort into talking to you. If he was using you he would at least try to keep on meeting up with you and seducing you. However, he is not even trying.

Time to stop texting him, start forgetting about him and move on with your life. Who knows maybe a little distance might relight that fire.

 

[Lollipop286]

I'm sorry

 

[lolagemma]

I know he's finished with me, he hasn't spoken to me since he told me he hadn't liked me since the first few weeks.

The problem I have is the way he acted, for the first 4 months, he held my hand everywhere we went, and I can honestly say he always went to grab mine, (I always felt a bit nervous going for it incase he was like, "WTH are you doing?") I met his parents, his entire family, I babysat his nephew, I was just involved with all of his family, which was nice. I spent more time at his, with him and his parents, then I did my own house. Whenever we met up, he'd kiss and hug me when he saw me, and same when I left. We'd go out on amazing dates to quite fancy restaurants, and he'd never let me pay. I treated him to dinner quite often, and we'd go for coffee and whatever. We went shopping together, and he asked me what looked best on him blahblah. basically, he acted like we were a couple, he acted like I as offically his, but as soon as I started to ask, youknow, how come you act like this, but say you don't want a relationship, he stopped doing it, his response way, "I don't mean to act like it, it's just its what I'm normally like in a relationship, and it just feels comfortable" but yet still, he wanted no relationship.
I know I have to get over him and there's not point thinking I'm ever going to be his girl, or whatever, It's just how confusing this situation is.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

So people cannot or have a short term relationship? I will say his statements and actions are a little contradictory. However, when does a relationship actually start? It sounds to me like had you kept quiet he would still be with you. However, that comes with the risk of not being able to claim cheating.

Anyway, there is no way he could have been using you, according to your original post. I have watched my sisters use men and my father use women. In both cases there was a certain amount of effort put into keeping the illusion of a relationship.

There is plenty of gray in the whole idea. Each to their own right?

 

[lolagemma]

So people cannot or have a short term relationship? I will say his statements and actions are a little contradictory. However, when does a relationship actually start? It sounds to me like had you kept quiet he would still be with you. However, that comes with the risk of not being able to claim cheating.

Anyway, there is no way he could have been using you, according to your original post. I have watched my sisters use men and my father use women. In both cases there was a certain amount of effort put into keeping the illusion of a relationship.

There is plenty of gray in the whole idea. Each to their own right?

How you mean, "So people cannot or have a short term relationship?" It wasn't ever a relationship, which is kinda the point, he's just kept saying, I don't want a relationship, blahblah, but kept sleeping with me, and it was always him saying, oh come round, or come meet me, but then a few weeks back, he just stopped putting the effort in, so I'm guessing he's just found someone else to do instead, he has been spending a fair bit of time with his 'friend' and she's been sleeping at his place nearly every week, so yeah I don't really know.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Sorry, short term interaction... my point was are people not allowed to have intense short term interactions?

 

[LoneRanger]

Though I really don't have enough experience to give relationship advice, I'll throw my two cents in:

While he might have started out with the best of intentions (or mostly allured by the thrill of the chase), it seems he has nothing left to give to you.

"I don't mean to act like it, it's just its what I'm normally like in a relationship, and it just feels comfortable"

Sounds like he was/is mostly concerned with what is "comfortable" to him. He did all the 'sweet' things, while not intending to have a real relationship. This indicates to me that he wasn't concerned with how it would mess with your emotions. That combined with him joking about you sleeping with him after you said that it's not what you wanted really sends a red flag that he doesn't respect you.

Given the fact that you've been scared to get close with others after your last breakup, any more emotional investment in this situation is just setting yourself up to get hurt (more). Please don't perpetuate this cycle any further.

You deserve someone that wants and respects you!

 

[lolagemma]

Well happy to say I don't really speak to him anymore, and don't see him, so everythings all good.

 

[Sprint]

okay, so, just before march, I met someone, who genuinly seemed interested in me, typical situation after a few weeks of meeting, talking, going on a few dates, meals out, it got to the point where I started to like him quite a lot. I plucked up the courage to tell him this, and my reply was, "I'm sorry but I'm not wanting a relationship atm" now, I'm an understanding kind of girl, and I just let it be, we started sleeping together (unacceptable I know!) after the first few times I told myself I can't do this blahblah, It will make matters worse for myself, and you bet I've done just that. I've fallen for him, completely. I've told him and he just tells me he feels bad. I do not know what to do, and I can feel him drifting away from me, he used to make so much effort, he'd text me in the morning, so I had anice text to wake up to, he'd ask to meet me at least once a week, he'd take me out, and he'd be lovely and we'd both put effort into spending time with each other. Now? It's all me, I am lucky if he asks to see me, he doesn't hardly bother texting, I do not know what to do, and I'm starting to feel like I never really meant that much, someone help!

He clearly told you how he felt, yet you decided you would sleep with him anyway. He was upfront. You're starting to feel like you never really meant that much? Well you should ... you never really meant that much.

I don't mean to be harsh to you, but he was very upfront about his feelings. He didn't lie. He didn't try to make it seem any other way than what it was, so what is the problem here?

Didn't you believe him when he said that?

Not attempting to be cruel, just my effort for you to see that in this situation... you have set yourself up for damage.

You are being your own worst enemy here. Next time a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship... BELIEVE HIM

---

Well happy to say I don't really speak to him anymore, and don't see him, so everythings all good.

Great! .. I should have read on lol before posting.

Learn to take better care of yourself in the future.

 

[LoneKiller]

Drop this punk like Evander Holyfield. You aren't the only woman that he texts in the morning to brighten their day. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I don't like seeing people being deceived and used like that. It hurts. Don't be too hard on yourself with respect to engaging in intercourse too soon. Men are notorious for that. Saying that he was not interested in a relationship is just another way of saying that he wants to bang you without any guilt or commitment involved.

 

[Limlim]

sooo.... I don't know if any of you guys read but she said she doesn't even speak to him anymore.