incommunicado
Member
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2010
- Messages
- 13
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Is it making you sick to your stomach to be lonely ? Does it hurt? Is anyone else experiencing the life that I am? If you're bored enough to read someone else's garbage, well, here it is.
Loneliness makes me sick, and it physically hurts, like a heartache, it has driven me to do things I regret. It's not being alone thats hurts as much as the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. Being around people is uncomfortable because I don't know what to do or say, being alone is preferable but brings on a bad feeling sometimes, a really deep sadness. The rest of the time it leaves me edgy, restless, sleepless, and violent. I usually crash for a couple hours a night, some nights it gets so late I just decide to stay up.
I have been trying the online dating and social networking thing since 2006. I have received a few messages, and I say hi back to them, and then that's it. They don't respond.
I'm almost 30 and have never had any friends. My entire life I've gone about my daily business completely without interacting with people, aside from brief and confusing moments here and there.
I'll go to a store, sometimes the cashier is a pretty girl making eyes at me or some bullshit, I'll get all fuckfaced and throw my money at her and run.
I went to the passport office to fill out an application once. They need 3 references for the application and 2 more for some other nonsense, I went back later and tried to see if there's some other way and as I was talking to one officer, another, who wasn't busy at the moment, came over and literally blew up on me. She started bitching at me, she said what I was telling them was impossible, you can't be 28 and not know anybody. I said, I know my life is impossible why do you think it hurts so ******* much, and then realized my mouth was running away and I said something reaalllly humiliating. fresia it, no passport, apparently I wasn't born here, I'm some criminal from another country trying to scam a way out or something.
In the last few years I've become more approachable and talkative and having always been an optimist I smile alot, but there seems to be no way to go beyond small talk with people. If i try to say lets do something they act weird like I did something wrong, and I just dont understand what the problem is. I talk about music with a guy at work all the time, we both play an instrument, I suggest we get together once, he says yes, but it never happens. I brought it up lightly one more time a couple weeks later, he made up a bullshit story that didn't make sense instead of simply saying no.
All I ever hear , is my friend this and my friend that. If you have friends, and we are getting along just fine, why am I still being excluded and rejected?
When it comes to meeting new people, it seems like a game of 20 questions at first, doesn't it. I know that I have a hard time answering the questions about my past, it's all a mess and my memory is vague and blank. I used to just make something up on the spot, so I can see my being alone attributed to me being a bullshit liar. But that was like 8 years ago. At some point I reflected on my behaviour, felt incredibly stupid for it, and now I can't say anything but the truth. So if anybody has a question I have nothing to say.
I figure I'm at a disadvantage because I didn't grow up in a family home, going to high school and all that. In my teens I was hitchhiking around and wandering, breaking into houses just to take care of myself and my clothes,and stealing from wherever. Ocassionally go to my aunts or grandmas, but they didn't like a smoking, drinking teenager in their perfect square house, scaring their kids.
I also have a hard time seeing, or being around, poeple doing normal things. At least, I think that everyone perceives them as normal, but I can't stand it and it drives me nuts.
For one example, the marketing and advertisements, poeple acting stupid. Actors and performers of all kinds, same thing. Acting stupid. It is wrong to do these things, it certainly appears wrong to make stupid faces and say stupid things for all to see.
Another example, I panic and fast forward movies, or avoid watching alot of movies altogether, because a guy in the movie will always start looking at a girl, or bothering her in some way with some retarded fuckfaced bullshit. Like, you just can't do those things.
A guy sees a girl get on the streetcar, runs after it and gets on. Once on the car he seeks her out, (FAST FORWARD NIGGER). So in ff mode theyre bibbling with each other saying god knows what. Later in the movie they appear together again somehow (FAST FORWARD FUCKFACES), and again in the ff mode I see them talking, going out on a typical hollywqood bullshit dinner and movie date. This ******* actually follows her to her doorstep, and as they are standing there, and she obviously is like GO AWAY, her mother comes to the door. This fuckfced arsehole is in their dining room with the whole family, and next thing I see is nudity and bullshit and end tape, crush it smash it delete it fresia it.
I've never talked to girls before before, or anyone my age, the general impression I get is that it would be wrong to say anything. Guys only want one thing right? And so it would be wrong to bother girls with it. And they already know it and must hate us for it, so you cant say anything to girls because anything you say will be transparent and pointless.
Even when a girl seems to be interested in me, well as soon as I open my mouth they'll see how I cant talk and have no practice at it. Besides, I have reached a point where I nearly cry just looking at girls now because I have had this stupid honeysuckle cycling through my brain for so many years. Oh yeah, theres another bullshit catch 22. This world is full of catch 22's, basically, you can't do anything until you have already done it before. So, I am automatically rejectd in everyting I try to do because I have't done it before!
I didn't get my first job until 6 months ago, even though I spent 7 years taking courses and workshops and pounding the pavement, knocking on doors, telling them how great I was at doing absolutely nothing because i am smart and can learn anything real fast. Every fuckface out there says you need experience, even though there is only one way to earn it.
End rant and rave, I apologize for niggerizing your forum with my nonsense, but this is the internet, I can do what I want. If you will excuse me, I will go hide somewhere and try to convince myself I never wrote this.
Loneliness makes me sick, and it physically hurts, like a heartache, it has driven me to do things I regret. It's not being alone thats hurts as much as the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. Being around people is uncomfortable because I don't know what to do or say, being alone is preferable but brings on a bad feeling sometimes, a really deep sadness. The rest of the time it leaves me edgy, restless, sleepless, and violent. I usually crash for a couple hours a night, some nights it gets so late I just decide to stay up.
I have been trying the online dating and social networking thing since 2006. I have received a few messages, and I say hi back to them, and then that's it. They don't respond.
I'm almost 30 and have never had any friends. My entire life I've gone about my daily business completely without interacting with people, aside from brief and confusing moments here and there.
I'll go to a store, sometimes the cashier is a pretty girl making eyes at me or some bullshit, I'll get all fuckfaced and throw my money at her and run.
I went to the passport office to fill out an application once. They need 3 references for the application and 2 more for some other nonsense, I went back later and tried to see if there's some other way and as I was talking to one officer, another, who wasn't busy at the moment, came over and literally blew up on me. She started bitching at me, she said what I was telling them was impossible, you can't be 28 and not know anybody. I said, I know my life is impossible why do you think it hurts so ******* much, and then realized my mouth was running away and I said something reaalllly humiliating. fresia it, no passport, apparently I wasn't born here, I'm some criminal from another country trying to scam a way out or something.
In the last few years I've become more approachable and talkative and having always been an optimist I smile alot, but there seems to be no way to go beyond small talk with people. If i try to say lets do something they act weird like I did something wrong, and I just dont understand what the problem is. I talk about music with a guy at work all the time, we both play an instrument, I suggest we get together once, he says yes, but it never happens. I brought it up lightly one more time a couple weeks later, he made up a bullshit story that didn't make sense instead of simply saying no.
All I ever hear , is my friend this and my friend that. If you have friends, and we are getting along just fine, why am I still being excluded and rejected?
When it comes to meeting new people, it seems like a game of 20 questions at first, doesn't it. I know that I have a hard time answering the questions about my past, it's all a mess and my memory is vague and blank. I used to just make something up on the spot, so I can see my being alone attributed to me being a bullshit liar. But that was like 8 years ago. At some point I reflected on my behaviour, felt incredibly stupid for it, and now I can't say anything but the truth. So if anybody has a question I have nothing to say.
I figure I'm at a disadvantage because I didn't grow up in a family home, going to high school and all that. In my teens I was hitchhiking around and wandering, breaking into houses just to take care of myself and my clothes,and stealing from wherever. Ocassionally go to my aunts or grandmas, but they didn't like a smoking, drinking teenager in their perfect square house, scaring their kids.
I also have a hard time seeing, or being around, poeple doing normal things. At least, I think that everyone perceives them as normal, but I can't stand it and it drives me nuts.
For one example, the marketing and advertisements, poeple acting stupid. Actors and performers of all kinds, same thing. Acting stupid. It is wrong to do these things, it certainly appears wrong to make stupid faces and say stupid things for all to see.
Another example, I panic and fast forward movies, or avoid watching alot of movies altogether, because a guy in the movie will always start looking at a girl, or bothering her in some way with some retarded fuckfaced bullshit. Like, you just can't do those things.
A guy sees a girl get on the streetcar, runs after it and gets on. Once on the car he seeks her out, (FAST FORWARD NIGGER). So in ff mode theyre bibbling with each other saying god knows what. Later in the movie they appear together again somehow (FAST FORWARD FUCKFACES), and again in the ff mode I see them talking, going out on a typical hollywqood bullshit dinner and movie date. This ******* actually follows her to her doorstep, and as they are standing there, and she obviously is like GO AWAY, her mother comes to the door. This fuckfced arsehole is in their dining room with the whole family, and next thing I see is nudity and bullshit and end tape, crush it smash it delete it fresia it.
I've never talked to girls before before, or anyone my age, the general impression I get is that it would be wrong to say anything. Guys only want one thing right? And so it would be wrong to bother girls with it. And they already know it and must hate us for it, so you cant say anything to girls because anything you say will be transparent and pointless.
Even when a girl seems to be interested in me, well as soon as I open my mouth they'll see how I cant talk and have no practice at it. Besides, I have reached a point where I nearly cry just looking at girls now because I have had this stupid honeysuckle cycling through my brain for so many years. Oh yeah, theres another bullshit catch 22. This world is full of catch 22's, basically, you can't do anything until you have already done it before. So, I am automatically rejectd in everyting I try to do because I have't done it before!
I didn't get my first job until 6 months ago, even though I spent 7 years taking courses and workshops and pounding the pavement, knocking on doors, telling them how great I was at doing absolutely nothing because i am smart and can learn anything real fast. Every fuckface out there says you need experience, even though there is only one way to earn it.
End rant and rave, I apologize for niggerizing your forum with my nonsense, but this is the internet, I can do what I want. If you will excuse me, I will go hide somewhere and try to convince myself I never wrote this.
