Let me start by saying thank god for the internet and media. Watching a funny TV show or a good movie or researching a topic online brings me more joy and pleasure than socializing with friends and hanging out nowadays.
I thought about this, and maybe it was just my mind playing tricks to cover up my denial that I am lonely. However, I intentionally avoid everybody possible and I am very withdrawn and cold to anyone who is not my family. Just the other day my old acquaintance stopped me in the store to talk to me and I literally walked away right from his face and exited the store.
Maybe it's just envy. I think deep down I truly envy those that have a good life and good looks and not a care in the world. I see them hanging out with girls and laughing and making out and think "why God? Why did my life have to be like this? Why did you make me an ugly monster?". It's really unfair to me and I just want to get this life over with. Not suicide, I mean I just want to die already so I can move on to the next lives or whatnot in the astral realm.
The only time when I reconsider getting friends is when my parents tell me I'm a loner or when I watch a TV show - it's like society teaches you to socialize. But when I do try to go out with friends it brings me way more stress than pleasure. The whole time I am extremely self-conscious of my looks to the point of not paying attention to the conversation and secretly thinking if the other person can see how deformed I am. Also, I always tend to say the wrong thing or do something awkward and then think about it for weeks on end, analyzing what I could of done, what I did do, etc. I think this is the reason why I have never had a girlfriend or kissed or anything. I'm 25.
The only life joy I get from friends is in my dreams. My dreams make my life complete. Every night, my dreams are like a second life and wake I wake up I feel emotionally exhausted from my dreams. These dreams include having sex with women I fantasize about, and being a druid in the forest with animals.
In conclusion, it's sort of like I am emotionally detached from everybody but my family. All these feelings that people have are too overwhelming and uncomfortable for me. Sort of like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, I do not understand the social and mating aspects. I just want to die alone with a cat or dog with the internet/video games/tv/movies and going out for occasional walks in some deserted areas or parks where people don't go. Also I would have big bags of weed for when I get bored. And...I'm perfectly fine with that life. Is this normal?
I thought about this, and maybe it was just my mind playing tricks to cover up my denial that I am lonely. However, I intentionally avoid everybody possible and I am very withdrawn and cold to anyone who is not my family. Just the other day my old acquaintance stopped me in the store to talk to me and I literally walked away right from his face and exited the store.
Maybe it's just envy. I think deep down I truly envy those that have a good life and good looks and not a care in the world. I see them hanging out with girls and laughing and making out and think "why God? Why did my life have to be like this? Why did you make me an ugly monster?". It's really unfair to me and I just want to get this life over with. Not suicide, I mean I just want to die already so I can move on to the next lives or whatnot in the astral realm.
The only time when I reconsider getting friends is when my parents tell me I'm a loner or when I watch a TV show - it's like society teaches you to socialize. But when I do try to go out with friends it brings me way more stress than pleasure. The whole time I am extremely self-conscious of my looks to the point of not paying attention to the conversation and secretly thinking if the other person can see how deformed I am. Also, I always tend to say the wrong thing or do something awkward and then think about it for weeks on end, analyzing what I could of done, what I did do, etc. I think this is the reason why I have never had a girlfriend or kissed or anything. I'm 25.
The only life joy I get from friends is in my dreams. My dreams make my life complete. Every night, my dreams are like a second life and wake I wake up I feel emotionally exhausted from my dreams. These dreams include having sex with women I fantasize about, and being a druid in the forest with animals.
In conclusion, it's sort of like I am emotionally detached from everybody but my family. All these feelings that people have are too overwhelming and uncomfortable for me. Sort of like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, I do not understand the social and mating aspects. I just want to die alone with a cat or dog with the internet/video games/tv/movies and going out for occasional walks in some deserted areas or parks where people don't go. Also I would have big bags of weed for when I get bored. And...I'm perfectly fine with that life. Is this normal?