Is she breaking up with me?

[ThePsychologist]

Hey guys.

As the title suggest, I'm not really doing okay. I'll explain the situation:

Wednesday evening we went out to dinner. Everything was fine in the beginning, but after an hour passed, things got quiet and we didn't really know what to talk about. So we had some silences that I don't really enjoy having. It makes me feel very insecure and unhappy. I am then mostly projecting thoughs she might be having about me. Things like "****, this is boring" or "I want to go home..". These thoughts really are bad, for it's brings me spiraling downward, making me even more sad during dinner.

I got the cheque and we went home. When walking home she said that I was quiet today. Which I indeed was. But we both were. Our lives are not that very interesting to have converstational topics at the ready, so this stuff happends between us, especially when going out to dinner with just the two of us. It always feels so forced and I generally don't like it.

But she said I was quiet. I told her that I indeed was quiet but that there was no particular reason for it. I just did not have much to talk about today. She said it was okay and joked that she rather had that I was quiet than not knowing when to stop talking.

When we where walking in the train, me still feeling very sad for feeling like this was a disaster evening, I tried to grab her hand. But she pulled her hand away and looking at me funny. I now felt even worse. I did not understand what was going on.

So we got in the train, she set across from me, I was looking out of the window, a bit sad I guess. Halfway through the train trip she stood up and seated her self next to me, grabbing my hand and stroking it. I think she understood I felt rejected and she wanted me to feel better.

Our destination arrived and we got off the train. We then sticked around on the trainstation and decided to talk for a bit. She asked how I felt and if something was wrong. I confessed that I was feeling kind of sad lately, and that I was shocked about the thoughts I was having (sick and disturbing thoughts). These thoughts manifested itself into drawings I make that are just plain weird and I scare myself about it.
Another thing was that I was wondering if she really felt love for me or feels attraction. I did not tell her this, because I did not want to make the evening even worse, but it's true. I am sometimes doubting if she feels attraction towards me. I am always the one initiating kisses, hugs, sex, etc. She rarely lovingly touches me or anything like that. Only after we had a good day together with a lot of fun, she does this more, but still. I'm just wondering if she looks into my eyes, if she feels love or feels nothing. Keep in mind though, that this young woman has troubles of her own. She goes to group therapy with me (we met there) and generally has a lot of trouble in having fun (she almost only wants to concentrate on work).

But back to the train station where we were talking. She told me she was being sad from time to time aswell. The other day she started crying without any reason or feelings associated with it.

After we said our things, we decided that we should really meet eachother's parents this weekend. Because it was long overdo and we kept delaying the inevitable. So supposedly I would meet her parents tomorrow and she would meet mine during the day.

We lovely kissed. I walked her to her bike and we kissed some more, telling we loved eachother and we both went home.

The next day I texted her, saying we should visit my brother in Amsterdam next week, that it would be fun! To which she replied with text back

"We have to do so many things.. And lately I've been wondering why we aren't doing the things we promised to do...I'm wondering if they will happen at all.."

This got me worried, so I asked her what she meant specifically. She said:

"I just find it very very weird that we haven't met eachother's parents with almost 4 months into this relationship.. As if we are both evading it for a reason.. I also have a bad aftertaste about what happened last night.. But I guess it will be okay."

That got me worried some more.

I said that if that is what she has been worrying about, that this weekend will make all the difference, for we are going to meet eachother's parents finally! But she did not reply back. It took her 24 hours to reply back after I texted her twice (we normally text each other a lot during the day so when looking at our patterns, it would seem like something is seriously wrong when she is not responding during the day.

She finally texted that she hasn't been feeling her best today and that she's not sure about tomorrow.

I texted back that I hoped she would feel better soon and that I am hoping to see her tomorrow if she's up to it.

That's basicly it. Tomorrow we were supposed to meet each other's parents, but it now looks like she will cancel. And I'm really worried. I'm worried that she wants to break up with me...

What do you guys think?

 

[I'm Fine]

To me (and remember this is just MY take on it) it sounds like she's wondering how serious YOU are. Maybe she's worried that you don't really care for her and are evading things like meeting her parents as a result. You say that you met in group therapy. Can I ask what the therapy is for?

She also said that she's feeling sad and is crying for no reason. Again, to me, it sounds like she's having the same kind of thoughts/doubts that you are. Perhaps if you talk to her about YOUR doubts/fears - she'll be able to open up about hers and then you can both reassure each other (or, at the very least, you'll have a better idea of what's going on).

Just my opinion, like I said. I could be horribly wrong. Good luck and Take care *hugs*

 

[lonely_visionary]

If something bad is planned then it hasn't happened yet. So you have time to act.

I'm no expert (or I wouldn't be here), but she said "we aren't doing the things we promised to do... I'm wondering if they will happen at all" - is there something you can plan right now to make a difference? E.g. if you said "we'll go on a trip together" can you plan it now, and casually surprise her by text, in the next few hours? Girls love it when boys surprise them with good stuff. She would see you as a positive force in her life.

 

[kamya]

It might be helpful to know what kind of therapy you guys are going to.

It could be lots of things. She could be playing head games, she could be breaking up, or she could just be dealing with her own stuff.

Also, silence really isn't a bad thing. Constant conversation isn't required to enjoy the company of another person.

 

[ThePsychologist]

Well, we are both in a group therapy for young adults with all kinds of problems. But mainly depression and anxiety.

I hope she's playing head games, but I'm also sure she's dealing with her own stuff (she does not have an easy life considering that she doesnt allow herself to have fun. She also has a very low image of herself. She confessed to me the other day that she is afraid of meeting my parents aswell (I have the same), because she feels her self being fat and ugly (which she's the exact opposite).

So I think a lot of things can be playing. But that has all happened before. For me the reason to be worried is that she has not replied or acted to me like this before. I guess that's why I'm worried.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Four months really isn't that long to be dating to meet parents. A lot of people wait more than four months for that. I personally wouldn't care if the dude I'm with ever meets my parents.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Probably not...until she tells you she's breaking up with ya..don't run with your negative thoughts.
Like you said..you project too much. So stop running with those negative thoughts that makes you
feel depressed. then it's like domino effect.

Dont force the issue of meeting your parents...

Didnt you learn any copping skills or living tools in therapy?

Yeah sometimes it's like pulling teeth trying to get her to be more active when my gf gets into her depression.
I try not to internalize her feelings..if I do , I'll sink with her.
She gose through phases. Sometimes she has to take her meds or forget to take her meds.

I have to work my own program. I live with my GF...sometimes there's miss communications..
So if u don't live with your GF..it's more of a guessing game...so don't try to figure it out.
Thats what i do...I don't run with crazy honeysuckle that might go in my head.
Not until I can calmly sit down and communicate with her.
Sometimes we don't talk that much...We just went to the park the other day..just to get
out of the house.
I love my gf very much...so I dont have problems of holding her and kissing her.
She kisses and hug me back when she's feeling better or in the mood to.
I belive my gf loves me. i don't run with crazy thoughts of this or that...it'll fresia me up.
I catch myself..so I bascially just stop myself from runing with stinking thinking.

 

[nerdygirl]

When your relationship started, it sounded like she was the one who was really pushing for the two of you to be together. I'd be surprised if her feelings have totally changed that fast, especially if the two of you are discussing meeting parents and stuff. Though if she's nervous about meeting your parents, tell her it can wait until she's comfortable- but let her know that you think she's awesome, and that you'll be happy to introduce her to them.

 

[ThePsychologist]

Well, looks like we are cancelling the meeting parents thing. She said she does not know what she wants at the moment, that she needs to be alone and that it has nothing to do with me.

Gah, this is so frustrating! I want to know what's going on in her little world, but she's not really opening up.

Should I just leave her alone for a while or should I ask her what's really the matter? I want to do whatever helps her out best, but if she's not allowing me to...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well, looks like we are cancelling the meeting parents thing. She said she does not know what she wants at the moment, that she needs to be alone and that it has nothing to do with me.

Gah, this is so frustrating! I want to know what's going on in her little world, but she's not really opening up.

Should I just leave her alone for a while or should I ask her what's really the matter? I want to do whatever helps her out best, but if she's not allowing me to...

You did read what I wrote..."I have to work my own program?"
I sleep in the same bed with my gf and she's been in a funk for
the last couple of days.
It has nothing to do with me...And I aint fixing her.

 

[nerdygirl]

Well, looks like we are cancelling the meeting parents thing. She said she does not know what she wants at the moment, that she needs to be alone and that it has nothing to do with me.

Gah, this is so frustrating! I want to know what's going on in her little world, but she's not really opening up.

Should I just leave her alone for a while or should I ask her what's really the matter? I want to do whatever helps her out best, but if she's not allowing me to...

Maybe leaving her alone is what helps her out best. You might want to just tell her that you'll give her some space, and that when she's ready for some company, she can give you a call.

 

[kamya]

Yup that's your sign. Don't talk to her at all period. If you do it will just be annoying. Just make one last open ended message and put the ball in her court and wait.

If she doesn't contact you back after a few weeks then its probably over.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Maybe the fact of you pushing to meet parents and such pushed her away. It's not just your relationship, and taking her feelings into consideration on the issue would have helped. But, I'd tell her that when she wants to talk, I'd be there for her, and wait. Relationships are about patience and trust and unconditional love. Provide that, and you may get it back. If you don't get it back, then perhaps she's not the one.

 

[ThePsychologist]

Well, I learned my lesson.

After she texted me that she wanted to be alone for a while, I did what she said and gave her some space. 8 hours later she responded asking me if we would go to the cinema next Wednesday

In those 8 hours I had huge urges of finding out what was going on, but now I learned that I should let her be alone for awhile and let her proces on her own. I'm so glad I did not pester her, but left her alone.

I really don't think I force her to meet parents, she mostly does that and she is the one who became upset about it. Not me. I could wait. But I know she would be more happy if I met her parents, so that's what I suggested. But meeting her parents was not the reason for all of this at all. She just had a bad 3 days and felt down. But she recovered and now things are all happy fun time once more

Could it be hormones? (serious question)

I will ask her about what was going on these past 3 days for her, because I am still kept in the dark about it. Will do that on the wednesday if it feels like the timing is right.

I'm so happy that I learned something really valuable today ^_^

1: Don't over-dramatize and over-interpet things you don't know for sure. (I was absolutely positive that she was in the proces of breaking up with me, which was not the case at all)
2: When she says to leave her alone, you leave her alone, give her space, and as Kamya rightfully suggested, leave it open ended so that she can reply back (that's exactly what I did thank god).

 

[yuckyyou]

just be strong on what you have feel right now.

 

[ThePsychologist]

Another update.

I guess I was right after all. All my "over-analytical" thoughts I had, were all correct. I asked her directly and she told me (via text) that she sometimes more feels like we are friends than lovers. That she does not want to meet parents yet because she does not think she can go through with all the responsibility it gives. She's not certain if she is up for that. She also (apperently) hates making things official like this, and the parent thing def. does this.

From what I assume, she does not feel attraction for me and thus does not want to delve deeper in our relationship.

We are going to talk about this tomorrow evening. About what she feels and thinks about me and our future and vica versa.

I'm not going to chase her. I'm going to stay true to myself and if that's not good enough for her (hence, she does not feel attraction by me being myself), then we don't belong.

Kinda sucks, never having a relationship in your life, and that it (probably) will end so soon. Only 4 months

Weird thing is, I don't feel sad. I'm guessing I'm blocking some stuff out.

We shall see what happends.

Any thoughts and\or suggestions are welcome.

 

[floffyschneeman]

You've already concluded the stuff she might be feeling/thinking. Have you ever questioned yourself if you want it too? If you are ready to make the next step? to get closer to her and knowing more of her? Maybe she doubts if this is what she wants because she doubts if this is what you want too. Don't let her have the ball on this, you show/tell her what you want and then let her decide if she is taking it or not. You are concluding too much and hiding your own feelings, waiting for her what to say or do. Instead show her what you are feeling, what you want, if she'll take it then good. If she won't, like you have said, you are not meant to be together. The worst thing that could happen is both of you assuming the other isn't ready to take the next step, but then both of you are ready all along.

Good luck, you'll find your way through it

 

[jales]

Where are you from/living, the UK or Holland, I ask because your brother lives in Amsterdam. I live in Holland.

About your girlfriend, I hope things work out, let us know.

 

[Scott James]

This happen when you are not enjoying and there is nothing left to talk about it.