jales
Well-known member
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2007
- Messages
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I want to fall in love! Yes, I am a lazy, worthless nabash(slut); but I still want to fall in love! Utori give me this! I will scream it if that is what you require of me, but I DO WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE! Right now I might sound like I am badgering you, and I am probably quite out of place, but I am angry! Yes, ******* angry. Is it so hard to send me love that last? Are so many things wrong with me that every time I meet someone it falls to pieces?
I speak now to life; to Utori, for I have given up on my ancestors. I feel like Lementori’s biggest idiot still believing that something like love exist. Why does our society make love so complicated in any case? We all need it. We all need someone to care about, and to feel as though someone gives a dam about us. So Utori tell me why the fresia do we make things so complicated? Why are there all these ******* rules; the male you choose should be strong and powerful, the female you choose should be virtuous and beautiful.
These rules that sometimes make us so scared to just be honest, to just be ourselves! Why can’t we just be who we truly are? Be insecure if that is who we are! Show that you’ve missed a person if you have! And Utori I you cannot claim that I speak from hypocritical grounds for you know that I have offered up my pride too often for the sake of what my people call love. There is nothing more that I can do but wait; and you have left me waiting for years. You have left me waiting like a forgotten soul hidden by darkness and fear.
Yes sure Utori, laugh at my complaints! That is all you are ever good for in any case. And I agree, maybe I’m just bitter because I lost my female-virtue and couldn’t conjure beauty even if I tried. It doesn’t matter though it’s still all a bunch of ashpen in my opinion. Love and acceptance in general should be simpler, we claim to be more intelligent than other animals but some of us really are just the same. The same or worse, I’m still deciding. Why the fresia is it so difficult for people to realize that we are all the same?
How is it that we can’t see that each of us is just a product Utori. A product of you, who I write to in vain, who I wake-up so many mornings hating, while everyone else gives you praise. Why can’t we see that we all should be accepted and that what is important is how honest and kind a person is, not the strength of his fire or the smoothness of her skin. Utori, why do I hate this life that has been bestowed upon me so much? Maybe I was born without the appreciation of life element, but then again I think it’s just that I’m tired, more tired of being unhappy than I could explain.
I want someone to ******* love Utori. I want it so badly that I have no time for your social games. I need it in fact. I need it to keep Lementori from seeming to be nothing but a depressing pit of endless disconnection. Everyone I meet is like a tough, indestructible shell to me; no one can connect with me. No one can see my truth, and no one wants to. Knowing this hurts so much. It’s scary to even try to explain how much. And why is there so much pain Utori? Why does this world of yours have so much pain?
I know, it is asking a bit much to find someone who sees things exactly my way, but at least let me find another as mentally, sexually and socially frustrated as I am; someone just as thirsty for this mystical love. And let that person want what I want, so that we can have the simple love I’ve been searching for. Why do I even bother searching when nothing works? Trying hurts just as much as not trying at all. It’s funny though, the way I have this hope that it’ll only take one second. Just one minute, that would make my life so much better. That moment I meet ‘him’.
Him? I know by now you are really laughing at me right Utori? There is no him. I’ve met a lot of people in this life, some I should have taken more seriously. But they all taught me that there is no
‘him’ waiting out there for me. There are just people, some I’d like more than others. All have pieces of what I want combining with things that I don’t want. I just have to wait my turn to meet one that takes me seriously enough to consider building their life with me. Wait… and hope.
Love; it’s a foolish word I guess. Why do I see things so defined? I guess it doesn’t matter though, I see them this way, and pretending that I don’t would only serve as an attempt to lie to myself. And I’ve learnt quite awhile ago that lying to oneself requires far more self-discipline than I have. So in the spirit of truth I will shout that I want someone to know me, to know all the nasty lies that I’ve ever told, or at least some, and to accept them as a part of me. And I want in return for me to see the truth of another.
I want for us to know each other mentally, so that we each have concepts of what the other would think concerning certain topics. And I want him to know my sexual side as well. This is the love I seek. Why is it that I even bother to seek? Maybe this is what I should ask for. Maybe I should ask that you numb my desire for this type of companionship. Utori it is so easy for me to hate you! It is so easy for me to blame you for all my pain, but even blaming you hurts because you are so completely unaffected by me screams.
It’s like you are just there, and maybe you watch on, allowing me to die each day, or maybe you aren’t even looking in my direction. Can you see me waking each morning covered in this sadness? But maybe not even you care! Here I am bitching about the fact that there is no one to care about my pain when the universe that I was taught to always turn to in times of trouble cannot even be concerned with me. But then again if I were you, I wouldn’t be concerned with me either.
And it’s like I’m so afraid; so afraid of this pain inside me. I can’t let anyone get close to me because I’m afraid of what they will see when they see my truth. But the thing is that I’m equally, or more so, afraid that no one will ever see it. So I suppose I do want to love; to find someone who can accept the pain I carry. I know it’s a lot I ask, but this is the type of love that I seek. Just by listening to music and what people have to say, I see that people see love in so many different ways. Some people think that love takes time, that it’s something that can only be experienced when you truly know another person.
Other people say that they fell in love the moment that they first saw the person who they love.
I’ve heard love be described as something that helps a relationship get through any kind of trial, while I know that some people believe that you can love someone but not allow them to hurt you beyond a certain extent. It seems that love is so different to everyone; it’s something like belief in that respect. In fact I’m sure that is the best way to describe love; as something like a state of being. It’s whatever you make it. Because of this love to me is a state of being; one is in love when they believe themselves to be in love. I therefore ask that you allow someone to believe, truly believe, that they love me.
I know. Here I am still asking this of you even after claiming that you do not give a fresia about me. And I’m sure you don’t, and it hurts my pride to ask, but this is just one of those things too important to allow pride to screw-up any chance I may have. Besides it’s not as though you have never given me love. In fact you have given love to me too many times. So many times that my memories now bring me sadness, and my fears that every union I enter will fall apart now submerge me.
Now I’m just tired. Tired, fed-up and angry. I get so angry at everything out there. I get angry at the pretence; I think that’s the thing that sickens me the most. Yes sure, not everyone out there wishes to have more people in their lives. Some socially successful people are quite content; some even have too many people in their lives. But there are so many of us who just live our lives by blindly following societal rules that tell us to pretend to be these satisfied people. And this is what makes me sick.
It has become not even a matter of pride or protection of self, it has become tradition. We go out to social gatherings, and can’t even look in the direction of others because we are afraid of looking desperate; when we are! We spend more time worrying about our reputations than we do about whether or not we are hurting others. We walk around judging each other on emptiness like the blaze of a person’s fire, how much land each person controls, or how difficult it is to win a person’s affection. And incidentally the more effort required to attain a person’s affection is the more valued that affection usually is.
Utori these are the ways of your land and I do not seek to change them, but I do ask that you send me someone who can see past this. Send me a lover who need not chase me to appreciate me, who doesn’t require that I am desired by ever other man in order to desire me with all his heart. I want a lover who I can love freely, without fear of having him use my love for him against me. And I do not mean to imply that I will allow someone to mistreat me under the sunshade of love, but I am tired of being so strong all the time.
I suppose this is what people are doing when they treat others as if they are of no value to them; they are acting strong. What we don’t see is how much more strength it takes to treat others well regardless of our fears. To allow ourselves to risk being hurt just a little. We do value affection that is earned more than we value affection freely given though, and I cannot claim that I am more innocent of this behavior than any other. I do know that I will never make that mistake again Utori, if you give me one more chance to be loved, I will never fail that love. Maybe that’s it though; maybe they are all scared, maybe they walk around pretending to be strong because inside they are just sacred.
And I’m scared as well. I’m so afraid that all my days to come will all be lived in this silence. And I know that I can’t fix this on my own. I know you don’t owe me anything Utori, but please just show me what I’m doing wrong. I’d change. I’d change in a heartbeat if you just showed me what I’m missing. Just tell me what I did wrong. Tell me who I’ve hurt, what injustice I have committed. I’d change if only you’d show me how. I’m scared. I’m scared of how deep my sadness can run. I’m afraid of all the people in Lementori who can’t see how much pain I’ve been through and who will hurt me further.
I know others suffer as well, but no one seems to suffer like this. The sickest part is that there is no solution to this pain. It’s a thing you learn in life early on if you are paying attention; there are no permanent solutions to anything in life. Like my hair, I can fix it in any fashion that I want to, I’d always find that at some point I’d have to fix it over. Being happy is something like that. You can’t just do one thing and become happy, you have to make the things that make you happy a part of your life and do those things every day.
This is why I ask for you to bless me with a lover who can become a part of my life. No one else seems to crave what I crave though. Either no one else feels this way, or I am simply to self-centered to see the cries of others; I am not certain. I am no longer certain of anything. Everyone seems so busy trying to get a hold of the things that this world says it’s important for us to have though. Thing is, I’ve come to think that they are lucky one even though they struggle for all the things which I was fortunate enough to be born with. I suppose it is true what the elders say when they say that ‘fortunes can easily become curses’.
Utori still I plead with you to send me a love that will last. Take away all the wealth you have blessed me with and grant me love. Forgive me for my continual stupidity, for my mistakes of the past, and ill-intentions and send me love; a pure love that I can trust and grow within. Send me a lover, someone to touch and kiss. Let me be loved so that I can love again. Send me goodness so that I can spread goodness throughout your land.
I speak now to life; to Utori, for I have given up on my ancestors. I feel like Lementori’s biggest idiot still believing that something like love exist. Why does our society make love so complicated in any case? We all need it. We all need someone to care about, and to feel as though someone gives a dam about us. So Utori tell me why the fresia do we make things so complicated? Why are there all these ******* rules; the male you choose should be strong and powerful, the female you choose should be virtuous and beautiful.
These rules that sometimes make us so scared to just be honest, to just be ourselves! Why can’t we just be who we truly are? Be insecure if that is who we are! Show that you’ve missed a person if you have! And Utori I you cannot claim that I speak from hypocritical grounds for you know that I have offered up my pride too often for the sake of what my people call love. There is nothing more that I can do but wait; and you have left me waiting for years. You have left me waiting like a forgotten soul hidden by darkness and fear.
Yes sure Utori, laugh at my complaints! That is all you are ever good for in any case. And I agree, maybe I’m just bitter because I lost my female-virtue and couldn’t conjure beauty even if I tried. It doesn’t matter though it’s still all a bunch of ashpen in my opinion. Love and acceptance in general should be simpler, we claim to be more intelligent than other animals but some of us really are just the same. The same or worse, I’m still deciding. Why the fresia is it so difficult for people to realize that we are all the same?
How is it that we can’t see that each of us is just a product Utori. A product of you, who I write to in vain, who I wake-up so many mornings hating, while everyone else gives you praise. Why can’t we see that we all should be accepted and that what is important is how honest and kind a person is, not the strength of his fire or the smoothness of her skin. Utori, why do I hate this life that has been bestowed upon me so much? Maybe I was born without the appreciation of life element, but then again I think it’s just that I’m tired, more tired of being unhappy than I could explain.
I want someone to ******* love Utori. I want it so badly that I have no time for your social games. I need it in fact. I need it to keep Lementori from seeming to be nothing but a depressing pit of endless disconnection. Everyone I meet is like a tough, indestructible shell to me; no one can connect with me. No one can see my truth, and no one wants to. Knowing this hurts so much. It’s scary to even try to explain how much. And why is there so much pain Utori? Why does this world of yours have so much pain?
I know, it is asking a bit much to find someone who sees things exactly my way, but at least let me find another as mentally, sexually and socially frustrated as I am; someone just as thirsty for this mystical love. And let that person want what I want, so that we can have the simple love I’ve been searching for. Why do I even bother searching when nothing works? Trying hurts just as much as not trying at all. It’s funny though, the way I have this hope that it’ll only take one second. Just one minute, that would make my life so much better. That moment I meet ‘him’.
Him? I know by now you are really laughing at me right Utori? There is no him. I’ve met a lot of people in this life, some I should have taken more seriously. But they all taught me that there is no
‘him’ waiting out there for me. There are just people, some I’d like more than others. All have pieces of what I want combining with things that I don’t want. I just have to wait my turn to meet one that takes me seriously enough to consider building their life with me. Wait… and hope.
Love; it’s a foolish word I guess. Why do I see things so defined? I guess it doesn’t matter though, I see them this way, and pretending that I don’t would only serve as an attempt to lie to myself. And I’ve learnt quite awhile ago that lying to oneself requires far more self-discipline than I have. So in the spirit of truth I will shout that I want someone to know me, to know all the nasty lies that I’ve ever told, or at least some, and to accept them as a part of me. And I want in return for me to see the truth of another.
I want for us to know each other mentally, so that we each have concepts of what the other would think concerning certain topics. And I want him to know my sexual side as well. This is the love I seek. Why is it that I even bother to seek? Maybe this is what I should ask for. Maybe I should ask that you numb my desire for this type of companionship. Utori it is so easy for me to hate you! It is so easy for me to blame you for all my pain, but even blaming you hurts because you are so completely unaffected by me screams.
It’s like you are just there, and maybe you watch on, allowing me to die each day, or maybe you aren’t even looking in my direction. Can you see me waking each morning covered in this sadness? But maybe not even you care! Here I am bitching about the fact that there is no one to care about my pain when the universe that I was taught to always turn to in times of trouble cannot even be concerned with me. But then again if I were you, I wouldn’t be concerned with me either.
And it’s like I’m so afraid; so afraid of this pain inside me. I can’t let anyone get close to me because I’m afraid of what they will see when they see my truth. But the thing is that I’m equally, or more so, afraid that no one will ever see it. So I suppose I do want to love; to find someone who can accept the pain I carry. I know it’s a lot I ask, but this is the type of love that I seek. Just by listening to music and what people have to say, I see that people see love in so many different ways. Some people think that love takes time, that it’s something that can only be experienced when you truly know another person.
Other people say that they fell in love the moment that they first saw the person who they love.
I’ve heard love be described as something that helps a relationship get through any kind of trial, while I know that some people believe that you can love someone but not allow them to hurt you beyond a certain extent. It seems that love is so different to everyone; it’s something like belief in that respect. In fact I’m sure that is the best way to describe love; as something like a state of being. It’s whatever you make it. Because of this love to me is a state of being; one is in love when they believe themselves to be in love. I therefore ask that you allow someone to believe, truly believe, that they love me.
I know. Here I am still asking this of you even after claiming that you do not give a fresia about me. And I’m sure you don’t, and it hurts my pride to ask, but this is just one of those things too important to allow pride to screw-up any chance I may have. Besides it’s not as though you have never given me love. In fact you have given love to me too many times. So many times that my memories now bring me sadness, and my fears that every union I enter will fall apart now submerge me.
Now I’m just tired. Tired, fed-up and angry. I get so angry at everything out there. I get angry at the pretence; I think that’s the thing that sickens me the most. Yes sure, not everyone out there wishes to have more people in their lives. Some socially successful people are quite content; some even have too many people in their lives. But there are so many of us who just live our lives by blindly following societal rules that tell us to pretend to be these satisfied people. And this is what makes me sick.
It has become not even a matter of pride or protection of self, it has become tradition. We go out to social gatherings, and can’t even look in the direction of others because we are afraid of looking desperate; when we are! We spend more time worrying about our reputations than we do about whether or not we are hurting others. We walk around judging each other on emptiness like the blaze of a person’s fire, how much land each person controls, or how difficult it is to win a person’s affection. And incidentally the more effort required to attain a person’s affection is the more valued that affection usually is.
Utori these are the ways of your land and I do not seek to change them, but I do ask that you send me someone who can see past this. Send me a lover who need not chase me to appreciate me, who doesn’t require that I am desired by ever other man in order to desire me with all his heart. I want a lover who I can love freely, without fear of having him use my love for him against me. And I do not mean to imply that I will allow someone to mistreat me under the sunshade of love, but I am tired of being so strong all the time.
I suppose this is what people are doing when they treat others as if they are of no value to them; they are acting strong. What we don’t see is how much more strength it takes to treat others well regardless of our fears. To allow ourselves to risk being hurt just a little. We do value affection that is earned more than we value affection freely given though, and I cannot claim that I am more innocent of this behavior than any other. I do know that I will never make that mistake again Utori, if you give me one more chance to be loved, I will never fail that love. Maybe that’s it though; maybe they are all scared, maybe they walk around pretending to be strong because inside they are just sacred.
And I’m scared as well. I’m so afraid that all my days to come will all be lived in this silence. And I know that I can’t fix this on my own. I know you don’t owe me anything Utori, but please just show me what I’m doing wrong. I’d change. I’d change in a heartbeat if you just showed me what I’m missing. Just tell me what I did wrong. Tell me who I’ve hurt, what injustice I have committed. I’d change if only you’d show me how. I’m scared. I’m scared of how deep my sadness can run. I’m afraid of all the people in Lementori who can’t see how much pain I’ve been through and who will hurt me further.
I know others suffer as well, but no one seems to suffer like this. The sickest part is that there is no solution to this pain. It’s a thing you learn in life early on if you are paying attention; there are no permanent solutions to anything in life. Like my hair, I can fix it in any fashion that I want to, I’d always find that at some point I’d have to fix it over. Being happy is something like that. You can’t just do one thing and become happy, you have to make the things that make you happy a part of your life and do those things every day.
This is why I ask for you to bless me with a lover who can become a part of my life. No one else seems to crave what I crave though. Either no one else feels this way, or I am simply to self-centered to see the cries of others; I am not certain. I am no longer certain of anything. Everyone seems so busy trying to get a hold of the things that this world says it’s important for us to have though. Thing is, I’ve come to think that they are lucky one even though they struggle for all the things which I was fortunate enough to be born with. I suppose it is true what the elders say when they say that ‘fortunes can easily become curses’.
Utori still I plead with you to send me a love that will last. Take away all the wealth you have blessed me with and grant me love. Forgive me for my continual stupidity, for my mistakes of the past, and ill-intentions and send me love; a pure love that I can trust and grow within. Send me a lover, someone to touch and kiss. Let me be loved so that I can love again. Send me goodness so that I can spread goodness throughout your land.
