MissLonely79
Well-known member
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2017
- Messages
- 87
- Reaction score
- 0
Hi Everyone,
This is kind of a long vent and I apologize for that, especially being new to the forum and all. I just had to get this off my chest while it was raw and while I had the time to write it. Even if it doesn't help me, maybe it will help someone else in the future and make them feel that they are not alone in how they feel.
Due to self-esteem issues and basically isolating myself as much as I could for two decades now (ouch), I have decided to try and become more social, especially in the last year. To really give it my all. I started volunteering at a new organization, one I haven't volunteered at before and met a cool friend, however, she doesn't want to become too close. She keeps me at a distance and I haven't figure out why. Does she have trust issues? Is she hiding something she doesn't want me to see? Is our friendship just one out of convenience such as I help her and she helps me type of deal? Or, she really just isn't that interested or respects me enough to care about becoming good friends. We did a lot of volunteering last year together and helped a lot. We made a difference, we make a good team. She is cool, funny, fun and helpful. But, and this is a big but, she tries to control what I say , what I do, how I drive (and that is a no no. You do not tell me how to drive). She is very controlling. She becomes critical real easily. And it sucks. It pisses me off big time. It can literally ruin our time out together because we do hang out sometimes as friends to have fun, or suppose to be fun that is, and it can all be ruined from the second I see her. I've put her in check maybe once or twice and she does back down, but it goes right back to being the same way.
So today we went to a volunteering event and this vent has nothing to do with her, but just being in public around people. There were so many volunteers and people there today and I felt so insecure. So inferior. It hurts even worse when I try to talk to them and then they ignore me. (double ouch). Then me and the friend went back to her house for a minute to smoke, and I was feeling the same way.
So now I am home with all this noise going on in my head. Such as , why I do have to put up with anybody's attitude? Why is there always such a big catch in order to have a friend? Should I just let her get away with treating me like that? Why do I always feel inferior around a group of people? Why do the ignore me? Is it me? Why can't I be normal? *What is wrong with me*??? Confusion. Anger. Paranoia (lots of paranoia). Sadness.
All of this, for only interacting for less than two hours today, if that and this happens even after a 5 minute social interaction. Playing the conversation over and over and over and over again in my head, asking myself, was what I said stupid? Why did I let her/him get away with talking to me like that? Did he/she just snub me or give me attitude? When is the right time to stand up for myself and am I over reacting? Do they think I'm weird? What do they think of me?
Then you wonder why I don't socialize then hence, become too lonely? Who wants to feel like this every time they socialize? Not me!
No matter how hard I try to control it, it never changes. I've been forcing myself to be a lot more social this year, as I said and I'm forcing myself to socialize even though I feel this stressed out each and every time. I tried to be strong and wise and council myself and look at it from different point of views but my mind doesn't, does NOT stop doing this. I don't want to feel like this anymore, what do I do?
This is kind of a long vent and I apologize for that, especially being new to the forum and all. I just had to get this off my chest while it was raw and while I had the time to write it. Even if it doesn't help me, maybe it will help someone else in the future and make them feel that they are not alone in how they feel.
Due to self-esteem issues and basically isolating myself as much as I could for two decades now (ouch), I have decided to try and become more social, especially in the last year. To really give it my all. I started volunteering at a new organization, one I haven't volunteered at before and met a cool friend, however, she doesn't want to become too close. She keeps me at a distance and I haven't figure out why. Does she have trust issues? Is she hiding something she doesn't want me to see? Is our friendship just one out of convenience such as I help her and she helps me type of deal? Or, she really just isn't that interested or respects me enough to care about becoming good friends. We did a lot of volunteering last year together and helped a lot. We made a difference, we make a good team. She is cool, funny, fun and helpful. But, and this is a big but, she tries to control what I say , what I do, how I drive (and that is a no no. You do not tell me how to drive). She is very controlling. She becomes critical real easily. And it sucks. It pisses me off big time. It can literally ruin our time out together because we do hang out sometimes as friends to have fun, or suppose to be fun that is, and it can all be ruined from the second I see her. I've put her in check maybe once or twice and she does back down, but it goes right back to being the same way.
So today we went to a volunteering event and this vent has nothing to do with her, but just being in public around people. There were so many volunteers and people there today and I felt so insecure. So inferior. It hurts even worse when I try to talk to them and then they ignore me. (double ouch). Then me and the friend went back to her house for a minute to smoke, and I was feeling the same way.
So now I am home with all this noise going on in my head. Such as , why I do have to put up with anybody's attitude? Why is there always such a big catch in order to have a friend? Should I just let her get away with treating me like that? Why do I always feel inferior around a group of people? Why do the ignore me? Is it me? Why can't I be normal? *What is wrong with me*??? Confusion. Anger. Paranoia (lots of paranoia). Sadness.
All of this, for only interacting for less than two hours today, if that and this happens even after a 5 minute social interaction. Playing the conversation over and over and over and over again in my head, asking myself, was what I said stupid? Why did I let her/him get away with talking to me like that? Did he/she just snub me or give me attitude? When is the right time to stand up for myself and am I over reacting? Do they think I'm weird? What do they think of me?
Then you wonder why I don't socialize then hence, become too lonely? Who wants to feel like this every time they socialize? Not me!
No matter how hard I try to control it, it never changes. I've been forcing myself to be a lot more social this year, as I said and I'm forcing myself to socialize even though I feel this stressed out each and every time. I tried to be strong and wise and council myself and look at it from different point of views but my mind doesn't, does NOT stop doing this. I don't want to feel like this anymore, what do I do?