I've got a problem...

[DiscoSpider]

The title of this thread should come to no one's surprise. This might be a long story...

Okay so, I'm -very- paranoid and overly cautious about all of this. I kind of don't want to post about this but I'm going to because... I guess I want to know what other people may think, other people who are outside of this situation.

I'm hoping that out of paranoia... I may be able to get this thread of mine deleted if I get too paranoid about it, but hopefully I won't have to. However, I am absolutely certain all of you could understand my caution and paranoia.

So. My best friend is a girl. We've been friends for about three years now. When I first met her, I had a bit of a crush on her but then I got over it pretty quick and we were just close friends with no feeling of that manner.

About a year or so later, there was an absolute tragedy in my life where I had lost two people very close to me, at the same time. It was probably the worst time of my life. One person was family, so my entire family was going under the same stress, while the other person was one of my closest friends, so a few of my friends and I were going through a similar stress, but I was being hit with both.

My friend (the one I speak of) was always there to comfort me and was looking out for me, trying to help me through the whole thing. I guess, as time went by, I mistook this act of kindness as something else, which was a mistake. A few months passed, and with the suggestion of a close friend of hers, I asked out my friend. She was shocked, said she didn't feel that way about me... and then things got awkward. She intentionally avoided me and didn't want to speak to me. Eventually she came forward and we talked and re-established our friendship, but it was a rocky road. At the same time... I felt quite angry, not because of the rejection, but because she said beforehand (when she originally rejected me) this wouldn't change anything. Then she ignored/avoided me. To me, it felt like a lie. I gave my honest feelings and in return, received that. I shouldn't have been too angry, I can't blame her. It seems like a natural, instinctive reaction.

Fast forward six months later, our friendship was back to normal, except unfortunately, I started to like her again. I didn't want to and I tried to fight it off, but I couldn't. It sucked. Eventually though, she got herself a boyfriend. While this actually upset me, I was also kind of relieved... and since then, I had developed friendships with other girls and actually started to date... to no success, ha ha (the dates wouldn't last more than a few times).

My friend's boyfriend is a nice guy... but they didn't date for long. He was here for six weeks before moving overseas. They continued their relationship long distance, but for the both of them it was hard. I was there for my friend, but I wasn't trying to move in on her boyfriend's territory or anything. She's my best friend, seeing her like that hurt me. Despite her boyfriend being overseas, I once again didn't have feelings for her, as I was attempting to chase another girl at the time.

With this other girl... it obviously didn't work out, but we're still close friends ("geographically challenged", we dubbed it). My friend's boyfriend returned from overseas, however was only going to stay for a few months before leaving again, for good. This actually really pissed me off and I felt it was really selfish of him... at the same time though, I shouldn't have been too angry, it was my friend's choice to try and be with him.

So he left... again, and my friend and I became even closer than normal. We've always done things like play fight or just be stupid with each other, but I started to notice things. I noticed she would touch me often, would compliment me often, etc. I couldn't tell if she was being flirty, or just trying to be nice and make me feel good about myself. I didn't act on it and but sometimes in return without thinking, would behave the same way.

Her boyfriend is back, once again... this time for good, I think. They were having problems at first but now they seem to be on track. At the same time though... the different behaviour I noticed from my friend... despite her boyfriend being back, she still behaves this way towards me and it's only gotten 'worse'. She even says and does these things (the touching, the compliments about my body etc) right in front of her boyfriend, to me. I will admit, it's very flattering, but at the same time again I can't tell if she is being flirty or just trying to be nice... either way, I feel it's very inappropriate to do, especially in front of her boyfriend.

Sometimes over IM chat, my friend would tell me things that feels like she is hinting things toward me. I hate reading too much into things and I try not to, as much as I try to avoid that sometimes I can't help it... one example is when a while ago she told me she sometimes thinks it would be "easier" if she and I were together because we're best friends but finds it difficult to see me in that way because we are best friends. She said this feeling came to her before she got her boyfriend, and during the time her boyfriend left as I was there to help her out. She also complains to me about her boyfriend, however for the past few weeks they have had no problems - which is good.

I found out recently that her boyfriend isn't very fond of me and doesn't trust me. I had no idea! BUT, that is absolutely fair enough - however I have done nothing wrong. I haven't done -anything-. I've just been me?

Another example is just... the touching. Sometimes it's pretty simple, like just a hand on the shoulder or knee - whatever, that's fine. Sometimes though, it's a little more intense... like rubbing of the shoulder, the thigh, or even my chest. This will sound rude of me and shallow but honestly, I'm a big guy into fitness, sometimes it feels like she's trying to cop a feel, or something... :/

Anyway... all this being said, all the things she does, it's started to make me develop feelings for her again. It started happening a few months ago when her boyfriend left for the second time. I don't want this to happen but I can't help it! To try and defeat this, I've tried to talk to other girls and I've even tried to jump into the world of online dating (for the past two months - with absolutely no success).

A close friend of mine believes I should confront my friend about this and try and talk to her... but I am very hesitant, I feel I would say or do something stupid and just mess it all up and make things bad.

So... what should I do? What do you all think?

 

[Barbaloot]

My advice? Stay friends, regardless of any flirtations or advances she's making towards you.

It sounds like they are merely driven by the issues she's having with her boyfriend and that she is trying to make him jealous. It sounds to me like their relationship will not work, but if she magically decides that you're the one for her after that, it's pretty likely at some point you'll lose both the relationship and her as your friend. It's also possible that she never will decide that she wants to be with you and merely enjoys being desired by someone. Either way, by holding onto these feelings for her, you are just opening up yourself for being hurt. If a relationship with her was meant to happen, it would have happened by now. Don't further complicate things.

 

[2fresh4youx]

Have you ever asked her why she ignored you when you initially told her about your feelings? Did she clearly say to you that you'd never be boyfriend/girlfriend? This sounds like a horrible situation to be in, but the poster above me has a point about your friend trying to make her boyfriend jealous. And that sounds quite juvenile to me. As hard as it sounds, you need to confront her about EVERYTHING that has happened so far. By the sounds of it, she is keeping you around as an ego boost, judging from the way her boyfriend is jealous of you. Did she tell you this directly? And when she said it, did she say it in a light-hearted way or serious way?

As harsh & hard as it sounds, I know that if I was ever friend-zoned, I'd cut off contact completely with the person that rejected me. I don't want to be treated like a woman's emotional "blanket". I think in your situation, you're just hoping for something that will never happen. From what you've written, I don't think your feelings ever went away from her, there were just points in time that were stronger than others?. Keep your dignity and self respect. Have it out with her.

 

[DiscoSpider]

Barbaloot:

I think that's a good idea (the stay friends thing). That's kind of why I haven't said or done anything despite everything that's happened and going on. I have said nothing about it nor have I acted on it. Maybe it's the wrong thing to do, but I've kinda just been trying to... forget about I suppose, to ignore it in a sense. In regards to holding onto these feelings, I can't help that... but that's why I am trying to meet new people and put myself out there, hence why I'm attempting the whole online dating thing... no success yet but I'm still giving it a go...

I have difficulty meeting new people, self inflicted I suppose - Monday to Friday I work full time, I train at the gym five days a week (Monday to Friday) and I train in martial arts three times a week... when it comes to weekends, I'm either out with friends (whoever claims me first basically) or playing video games. So... that's one of the reasons I took up online dating.

2fresh4youx:

Nah. I never asked her about why she ignored me. That was almost two years ago... I didn't ask at the time and I've never felt the need to bring it up, to be honest, I kind of wish I did but it's too late now. She never said that I'd "never be boy/girlfriend" either. You're right - it is a pretty crappy situation to be in. In regards to her boyfriend being jealous, no she didn't tell me that - her mother and sister were the ones who told me when my friend wasn't around. :/

Maybe you're right. Maybe I've always had some degree of feelings. At the same time though, I think I'm going to disagree. At one stage (last year) I was absolutely crazy over another girl for about six months and she liked me too. The problem however was we both lived in different cities far away from one another (it's a long story, she is an old school friend). In the end, I finally caught up with her in her city and we decided it would be best to just be friends. We're still friends and still maintain contact... but that's another story.

I kind of want to talk to my friend about all of this. I guess my problem is, I'm afraid of saying something stupid and wrecking our friendship, as I once nearly did before. I'm also not really sure how to bring it up, or when or where. That's a problem too. It's a scary thought.

In all honesty, yes, I think half of me wishes we could be more than the best friends that we are just like she said - yet at the same time half of me wishes I could just shake these feelings off and meet someone else who I could be with. It's a strange situation. Either way yeah... it's not exactly the best situation to be in.

Thanks for your input so far guys.

 

[Okiedokes]

hmm... touchy feely... that would be creepy. lol. I think that is kind of weird and Barb might be on to something when she says the girl might be trying to make her b/f jealous so the b/f might want her more. You already told her you liked her and you got rejected, so I think whatever she says is just something to not take very seriously at this point. Just be the good friend that you can be. Maybe you should give her some space a bit and it will be good for you too since you happen to develop feelings when she's close.

 

[DiscoSpider]

That's a good point too. I've been trying to ease off and spend less time with her but... she invites me out to a lot of things. This will sound dumb and eye rolling, but whenever -anyone- invites me out somewhere, I always feel rude to say no... and as I've said before when it comes to my weekends, it's whoever claims me first.

Self inflicted I know.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

She's not attracted to you.

 

[The Good Citizen]

I think there’s already some good advice here but on a practical level, I personally would bring it out in the open. You are talking about years of feelings for this same person. I think her initial reaction to you in terms of avoiding and ignoring you was a little unfair but maybe understandable. To then be affectionate and start imagining a life with you and physically close to you as she is, is not fair on you, she knows how you feel and she should be aware of the effect it has.

So I would at some point bring this up, not in an attempt to make it a relationship but to make her aware of the pain it puts on you. Its very comforting to have a friend that feels that way about you, its a constant reminder regardless of how her boyfriend is that someone wants her and I don't think she is a terrible person for feeding off that occasionally but it sounds as if that is what she is doing.

She is with this other guy, they are playing out their own thing and you are hovering on the periphery of her affections. I think you need to give yourself some distance for all 3 of you, I know that’s painful but unrequited love is hard to shift and could eat you up. Take a step back, stay friends but in time, with some distance it will allow you to get over her and clarify how things stand. I would be open enough to tell her your reasons, just say that she knows how you feel and you struggle with *list the sorts of things you mentioned* tell her you know its innocent don’t be accusing, but don’t be apologetic either, no one should be punished for loving someone and you sound as if you have tried your hardest to be a friend foremost. That said still be prepared to find she will probably be a bit defensive about it all. Just say you need to do it for your own good and to not come between her and her boyfriend who is starting to resent you, again he is only protecting what he has and it is probably hard for him to.

So no ones at fault here, I just think you need to make something happen, doing nothing will just carry this on. You need to find someone else who can put all this in perspective for you and that will happen but not while you are longing for someone who loves someone else.

 

[DiscoSpider]

I think there’s already some good advice here but on a practical level, I personally would bring it out in the open. You are talking about years of feelings for this same person. I think her initial reaction to you in terms of avoiding and ignoring you was a little unfair but maybe understandable. To then be affectionate and start imagining a life with you and physically close to you as she is, is not fair on you, she knows how you feel and she should be aware of the effect it has.

So I would at some point bring this up, not in an attempt to make it a relationship but to make her aware of the pain it puts on you. Its very comforting to have a friend that feels that way about you, its a constant reminder regardless of how her boyfriend is that someone wants her and I don't think she is a terrible person for feeding off that occasionally but it sounds as if that is what she is doing.

She is with this other guy, they are playing out their own thing and you are hovering on the periphery of her affections. I think you need to give yourself some distance for all 3 of you, I know that’s painful but unrequited love is hard to shift and could eat you up. Take a step back, stay friends but in time, with some distance it will allow you to get over her and clarify how things stand. I would be open enough to tell her your reasons, just say that she knows how you feel and you struggle with *list the sorts of things you mentioned* tell her you know its innocent don’t be accusing, but don’t be apologetic either, no one should be punished for loving someone and you sound as if you have tried your hardest to be a friend foremost. That said still be prepared to find she will probably be a bit defensive about it all. Just say you need to do it for your own good and to not come between her and her boyfriend who is starting to resent you, again he is only protecting what he has and it is probably hard for him to.

So no ones at fault here, I just think you need to make something happen, doing nothing will just carry this on. You need to find someone else who can put all this in perspective for you and that will happen but not while you are longing for someone who loves someone else.

Thank you for that, The Good Citizen. That is actually very constructive and helpful. I appreciate it.

I've thought about that and I feel yeah, I think I spend too much time with my friend and need to distance myself from them. I think also you're right and I do need to say something. I just don't exactly know how, when or where basically.

I thought about what I would say if I was to bring it up. No, I would not try and turn it into a relationship, my argument would probably be along the lines of "I feel some of the things you do and say toward me are inappropriate, your boyfriend resents me because of it and overall, I feel this is very unfair on me because it pains me"... not in those exact words, but I'm sure you can understand the idea.

I don't think I've had constant feeling for my friend this entire time. I think it's probably just been on and off, since I have had attraction to other girls and have tried chasing a few... to no success. However, I think lately, it's been at its strongest, and I really don't want that. I would prefer to just get rid of the feelings and find someone else who would be worth having the feelings for, so to speak (said this once and I'll say it again - that's why I've taken up online dating and why I'm just trying to meet new people in general).

I think from the sound of things... I should really try and talk to her about all this. I should probably distance myself from her and her boyfriend and spend less time with her, yet at the same time, still be a friend. Sound about right?

 

[The Good Citizen]

Thank you for that, The Good Citizen. That is actually very constructive and helpful. I appreciate it.

I've thought about that and I feel yeah, I think I spend too much time with my friend and need to distance myself from them. I think also you're right and I do need to say something. I just don't exactly know how, when or where basically.

I thought about what I would say if I was to bring it up. No, I would not try and turn it into a relationship, my argument would probably be along the lines of "I feel some of the things you do and say toward me are inappropriate, your boyfriend resents me because of it and overall, I feel this is very unfair on me because it pains me"... not in those exact words, but I'm sure you can understand the idea.

I don't think I've had constant feeling for my friend this entire time. I think it's probably just been on and off, since I have had attraction to other girls and have tried chasing a few... to no success. However, I think lately, it's been at its strongest, and I really don't want that. I would prefer to just get rid of the feelings and find someone else who would be worth having the feelings for, so to speak (said this once and I'll say it again - that's why I've taken up online dating and why I'm just trying to meet new people in general).

I think from the sound of things... I should really try and talk to her about all this. I should probably distance myself from her and her boyfriend and spend less time with her, yet at the same time, still be a friend. Sound about right?

Yeah pretty much, you seem to have had things in perspective from the start really reading what you've put. I would just give some thought about how you mention it so as not to drive a permanent wedge between you. She might well take it as suggesting she's been leading you on so I would look to reassure her that its more just being on different sides of the boundary between close friends where for her its natural to do that and for you where because of how you feel it is difficult to deal with.

If you can get passed that tricky hurdle, tell her you want to meet someone for yourself and that you'll be there for her if really needed as it sounds you've been through a lot yourself when she was there for you. If she can't accept that don't feel the need to apologize, a friend should understand that you have your own life to live, just be focused on why you are making this decision. Its sounds as if you are a decent bloke with his head screwed on who should be able to find someone given the time and space to focus on it. Good luck!