Jokes

[Lilith]

What do you call it when Batman skips church?












Christian Bail / Bale




XD

 

[gabriel20]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

---

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

 

[gabriel20]

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

 

[Blue Bob]

a guy walks into a bar and says “bartender, set me up with twelve shots of whiskey.” the bartender sets up his shots and the guy drinks them one after the other as fast as he can, so the bartender says “**** I ain't never seen anybody drink shots that fast!” the guy says “you’d drink ‘em that fast too if you had what I got.” the bartender asks “what have you got?” the guy says “75 cents.”

 

[Alma lost her spoon]

 

[gabriel20]

That's naughty,Alma! Funny though!

 

[gabriel20]

"Hello"?
" Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone"?
" No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul".
After a brief pause, Daddy say's "But honey you dont have an Uncle Paul"!
"Oh yes I do, & he's upstairs in the room with mommy right now".
Brief pause. "Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up on the drive".
" Ok Daddy just a minute. A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
" I did it Daddy".
"And what happened honey"?
"Well,Mommy got scared, jumped out of bed naked & ran round screaming then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all"!
" OMG!!!
What about your Uncle paul"?
"He jumped out the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think he's dead"!
Real long pause!
Then daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732"?
Lil girl says "No I think you have the wrong number,............"

---

A man wants to become a bell-ringer, but has no arms.
So he tells the priest of his wish, but the priest says: "How can you be our bell-ringer without arms?"
He replied "Arms? Who needs 'em!"
So the arm-less guy runs to the top of the bell tower, and starts ringing the bell with his face, making beautiful music.
Unfortunately, he misses the last note, and falls from the bell tower.
A bunch of parishioners gather around him, asking: "Who is this guy?"
The priest says: "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."

 

[gabriel20]

Two little piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

Two more little piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender again points to the door and they both rush in.

One little piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit.

"Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender.

"No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEE WEE WEE all the way home!"

 

[gabriel20]

Sam and Bob live in a retirement home.One day they are sitting in the lounge. Sam turn's to Bob and say's," Bob,i'm ninety
years old,and i'm full of of aches and pains,you are my age,how do you feel"?

Bob replies,"I feel like a newborn Baby".

"Really", says Sam!

"Yes,replies Bob,I have no teeth,no hair,and I think I just wet myself"!


's old

 

[gabriel20]

Lilith,as promised,a joke for you. A Gentleman should always keep a promise to a Lady.This will be my last joke on here,as I am going to be so totally banned for a zillion year's for this one. But at least I have the pleasure of knowing it was for keeping a promise to a Lady,a pretty Lady.
Lilith, I hope it makes you laugh.


One evening Snow white decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed.
After the usual round of "Good night's",she went upstairs.
Immediately,all seven dwarfs rushed out side and began climbing and standing on each other's shoulder's beneath Snow White's bedroom window.
Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top,and only he could see into the window.
It was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two,he hollers down,"she's taking off blouse",and this is echoed by each dwarf in turn,down the stack of them,"She's taking off her blouse,she's taking off her blouse,she's taking off her blouse,She's taking off her blouse".

Next Grumpy yells,"She's taking off her skirt,again the message is passed down the stack of dwarfs,"She's taking off her skirt,She's taking off her skirt,She's taking off her skirt,She's taking off her skirt,She's taking off her skirt".

Next Grumpy yells,"She's taking off her bra",again the message echo's down the stack of dwarfs,"She's taking off her bra,She's taking off her bra,She's taking off her bra,She's taking off her bra,She's taking off her bra".

Grumpy hears something and turns around,he spots someone walking through the woods towards the cottage,and yell's,"Someone's coming",and all the other dwarfs shout out,"So am I,so am i,So am i,So am I,So am I,So am I".

 

[Lilith]

Banned?!?!! NAH-AH! NO WAY, I SHALL NOT ALLOW such a sweet, lovely, adorable, beautiful, wonderful gentleman to be banned for sharing such a hilarious, dirty joke! ( that was funny hahahaha) thank youuuuuu <3 Mr. Gabriel! Please do post more jokes! (They're not urgent, however, so take your time!) Just want to tell you I always enjoy reading these funny jokes you share. Thank you thank you thank you! This thread would be lame without ya!


Hmm, suppose I should post one so that it stays on topic.


Uhhh........

"My grandpa has a heart of a lion................ and a lifetime ban from the zoo!"

 

[Alma lost her spoon]

I want to die peacefully & quietly in my sleep, just like my grandpa...not screaming in terror & pain like his passengers!

 

[Magalie]

^ ))))))

 

[gabriel20]

HAHAHAHA! Thanks for all the kind word's,Lilith,your a Gem! I was sure I was gonna get the chop for that one,but it was funny!
(And your joke)!

Nice one Alma!x

High Mags! I'll get banned for this one!My apologies to any and all person's who find this rude or are offended by it. I just think it's so clever and funny. That's what life is about isn't it,being happy?

HOW DID THE 7 DWARVES GET THEIR NAMES?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fresia,
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
My fanny needs a lick!
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said -You'd better drop your pick.

So down he went onto all fours,
And said -I ain't licking that-,
Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!-

The next dwarf started blushing,
Do we have to do it here?-
Snow White said -Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a ******* queer-

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big -Heigh-Ho-.
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

Relax- you GRUMPY *******-,
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fuckin load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
You're next, I want your knob!-
But no sooner had he entered her,
he was sleeping on the job.

Wake up you SLEEPY *******-
She wanted more from him.
he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White then whimpered.
That should be against the law.-

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that ******* great big dick-

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said -You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!-

So he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.
So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

 

[gabriel20]

School joke.

Little lad puts his hand up and says,"Miss,can I go to the bathroom please"?

Teacher replies," Only if you can recite the alphabet".

Little lad goes, "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z".

Teacher says,"Where's the *P* "?

Little lad replies," Half way down my leg Miss"

 

[Lilith]

LOL^ Clever!

 

[gabriel20]

Hi Lilith I wasn't banned!

Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

---

Little Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, "I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas." And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."

The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

---

Twas the night before Christmas
and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred,
they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung
on the wall with great care,
Next to some T-shirts
and old underwear.

I was working the night shift
compiling stats,
Answering the phone,
and feeding the rats.

When all of a sudden
there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk
to see what was the matter!

I opened the door
with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man
I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture
a time or two,
He was wanted:
Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door
and commanded him "Freeze!"
"Put your hands on you head
and get down on your knees."

But he turned and he ran,
up the chimney he flew,
With me in pursuit,
toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof
Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys
and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak,
he threw down his sack,
I slipped and I fell
landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced
with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers
covering my flank.

"On Dasher, on Dancer!",
he cried loud and clear.
Then I got off three rounds
but missed all the deer.

And I heard Santa say
as he sailed into the blue,
"Merry Christmas to all!
My Lawyers will sue!"

---

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price."

 

[gabriel20]

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".

 

[Nicholas]

First of all Gabriel, awesome jokes dude... ill be sure to use them (we can arrange the copyright later)

so for my joke:
A kid comes back from school and says to his father "Dad i was expelled from school today"
his father angringly replyes "WHAT?! WHY?!"
the kid tells him "Well the teacher asked me today if i know how much is 5x4"
the father says " ITS 20!"
the kids says "Yea, thats exactly what i told her"
the father then asks "WAS THERE SOMETHING ELSE?!"
the kids says "Yes, then she asked me how much is 4x5"
the father furiously says "ITS THE SAME THING YOU MORON"
the kid say "Yea, thats exactly what i told her""

 

[gabriel20]

Thanks Nicholas,glad someone reads 'em!



Teacher asks Sally," What part of the human body increases ten times when excited"?

Sally replies,"That's disgusting,I won't answer that question"!

Teacher asks Tommy,"What part of the human body increases ten times when excited"?

Tommy replies," It's the pupil of the eye Miss".

Teacher replies," That's correct".

Teacher turn's to Sally and says, "First you didn't do you homework, secondly,you have a dirty mind,and third,you are in for a BIG disappointment when you grow up"!