Jokes

[gabriel20]

A Government weather warning issued this morning,said that anyone travelling in icy,wintery conditions,should take a shovel,blankets.a sleeping bag,extra clothing,scarf and hat,24 hour supply of food and drink,big bag of rock salt,torch and batteries,a safety triangle,tow rope,a spare can of petrol,and a first aid kit with them on their journey,........................I looked a right idiot catching the bus to work this morning!

 

[WishingWell]

A Christmas Story

A little story to start your Christmas season in the right
spirit.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the
trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular
ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.>
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was
coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
He went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three of them were about to give birth and two others had
jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the
floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all
the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass
of cider and a shot of rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom
and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end
of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated
Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a
little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully,
'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like
me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel
on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know
this.....

 

[Nuzzy Nuz]

When I graduate I will make sure to mention that

Seen that happening alot lately

 

[gabriel20]

Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods,and saw the Big Bad Wolf hiding in the grass.

She said,"Oh my,what big ear's you have".

The Wolf replies,"All the better to hear you with",and runs away.

Then she sees him hiding behind a tree,and says,"Oh my,what big eyes you have".

Wolf replies,"All the better to see you with",then runs away again.

Then she sees him hiding behind a big boulder,and says,"Oh my,what big teeth you have".

Wolf replies,"Will you go away,i'm trying to have a pooh".

 

[gabriel20]

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters off your willy."
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that’s what you need,just rub it up and down " So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again.
"How are you getting on now,is the sandpaper working?"
"Yes, replied Pinocchio,it's better than sex with the Wife"!

---

One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking to her grandmother's house.

She knocks on the door, but all she hears is loud screams.

So she throws open the door and sees the Big Bad Wolf and her grandmother in the bed.

She exclaims, "Grandma, are you alright? I thought the Big Bad Wolf was eating you!"

The grandmother replies angrily, "He was, until you showed up!"

 

[gabriel20]

Soory Guys, I gotta post this one,...

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a s**t house door off a tuna boat."


Sorry!

---

The Lone Ranger and his Indian friend,Tonto, are walking through the desert.

When the Lone ranger exclaims ''I'm starving where's that held of cow's you promised''?

Tonto put's his ear to the ground and shouts out ''Buffalo cum''

The Lone Ranger replies ''How on Gods Earth did you know that''?

Tonto replies, ''Ear stuck to ground ''!

 

[Nuzzy Nuz]

Ahh.. GABRIEL!!! You are killing me!!! I am laughing my head off.....
by the way this image got me laughing..

 

[gabriel20]

Thanks Nuz.


Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

---

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

---

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks.

"Ten what?

Months?

Weeks?

What?!"

Nine...,eight,....seven,.....six,.........five,.......................

 

[Blue Bob]

An old bull and a young bull are resting under a shade tree on a hill. A farmer in the next pasture unloads several cows from his stock trailer. When the farmer leaves the young bull jumps up and says “Lets run down, jump the fence and screw a couple of them cows!” The old bull replies, “No. Let’s walk down, climb the fence and screw ‘em all.”

 

[gabriel20]

Two guys were playing golf.

On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups. Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes. Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups.

All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared. She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups.

She said, ''Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won't have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won't hurt my creations."

*POOF* She disappeared. Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, "Bob! Bob! Come over here here quick!"

Bob replied, "Wait a sec. I'm hitting my shot and I'll be right over."

Jack yelled back at Bob, "Where are you?"

Bob answered, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Jack shouted back, "Don't swing Bob! For the love of God, don't swing!"

---

A Monk walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.

And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[gabriel20]

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. I mixed super strong sticky sticks super glue up with the vasaline"

 

[PenDragon]

Time to resurrect this thread once more. Gab, my man I need your little help here too. I can't do this alone.

 

[gabriel20]

"Dyslexic Nurse"


Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse
when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy
and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called
the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.
"Why, we just hired her?"
"Well, I think she is dyslexic and get thing backward. I told her to give Mr.
Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, but she gave him 24 shots in
two hours and it
almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours
and she gave her twelve in one hour."
The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out
of the room. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor asked.
"To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil!"

 

[gabriel20]

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

 

[gabriel20]

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male".

 

[gabriel20]

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.

She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.

After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .

---

"Brand" name condom's!


AT&T Condums: Reach out and touch someone.
Campbell’s Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh, what a feeling! Who can ask for anything more?
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
GE Condoms: We bring good things to life!
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Have you Driven a Ford Lately?
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Jeep-Eagle Condom: There's Only One Jeep (sold in singles only)
The Saturn Condom: A *Different* Kind of Condom
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
NY Lotto Condoms: 'Cause, hey -- you never know.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
Energizer batteries Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Diet Coke Condom: Just for the taste of it
Lays Condom: Betcha can't have just one.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some before you go south of the border.
The Sears Latex Condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Starburst Condoms: Gets Your Juices Flowin’
Bud-Light Condom: Where's the Love Man!
7-UP Condom: The UN-Condom
Iomega Condom: For All Your Stuff
Microsoft Condom: Wherever you want to go today. We are universally compatible.

 

[gabriel20]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."

Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.

 

[blackdot]

Is that a selfie stick in your pants or are you just happy to see yourself?

 

[BadGuy]

The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.

"The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."

"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

 

[BadGuy]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out.

Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"