just got a message

[duff]

on facebook from this woman I used to work with. I worked with her for 10 years and always liked her. Knew she didn't like me back so I never did anything. We kept in touch during the summer but it was me always sending the messages first.

She's got this new boyfriend a few months ago and yes it did hack me off a little. So I decided to stop my messages to her. I usually sent one every few weeks but figured she wasn't that bothered about me.

In her message she tells me to 'keep in touch' and asks me how I am. I did send her a message last week saying she owed some lottery money to me. I kept it short but was polite and friendly.

I sense she thinks something is up. Wondering why my messages have stopped.

I wonder if this proves people do actually care about me and it's all in my head that people aren't bothered about me.

 

[PyramidHead]

I hope you are right. In general I would say something to cheer you up on it, but...
From my own experience, I learned that these kinds of female connections always just call when they either want to share the fact how happy they're with their new love or later to get some comforting and nice words when things went totally wrong in the end.

But that is just my experience... maybe I just have no luck with friends who stay in contact over Facebook.

 

[duff]

I hope you are right. In general I would say something to cheer you up on it, but...
From my own experience, I learned that these kinds of female connections always just call when they either want to share the fact how happy they're with their new love or later to get some comforting and nice words when things went totally wrong in the end.

But that is just my experience... maybe I just have no luck with friends who stay in contact over Facebook.

I was just testing to see if she would send a message first instead of it always been me first. I will keep in touch from now on.

 

[monkeysox]

Tend to agree with PyramidHead,


You doing the right thing by staying in touch though, does she know you like her ? The answer to that question will perhaps give you the answer you want.

 

[bodafuko]

Sounds like she wants an orbitter.

 

[duff]

Tend to agree with PyramidHead,


You doing the right thing by staying in touch though, does she know you like her ? The answer to that question will perhaps give you the answer you want.

I always made it obvious I liked her and all her mates knew. I did ask her for coffee last year before she met this bloke. She said 'no' obviously. It was light hearted, banter really, nothing heavy.

I am 'friends' with a few women, never anything else.

 

[monkeysox]

As long as you are happy with the situation its all that matters.

It is good to have friends of the opposite sex, the only problem that can happen is one person wants more than friendship and hate it when people exploit that fact when they just want appeasement (like PH said).

 

[duff]

As long as you are happy with the situation its all that matters.

It is good to have friends of the opposite sex, the only problem that can happen is one person wants more than friendship and hate it when people exploit that fact when they just want appeasement (like PH said).

not that happy to be honest. Mildy annoyed, all these women could have chosen me but they didn't. I'm the 'friend'

I made the decision to stop all contact with my 'friends' because I didn't think they were that bothered and I wanted a quiet life. My life was turning into a soap opera or a farce and I was typing loads of messages a day telling all my friends what was happening. It became a joke and what happened to me was shockingly bad.

A couple of these women have disapeared completely but one asked me for xmas dinner next week and this other woman wrote me this 'keep in touch' message today.

I know these women probably care about me but after what happened, I just wanted to be alone.

 

[monkeysox]

As long as you are happy with the situation its all that matters.

It is good to have friends of the opposite sex, the only problem that can happen is one person wants more than friendship and hate it when people exploit that fact when they just want appeasement (like PH said).

not that happy to be honest. Mildy annoyed, all these women could have chosen me but they didn't. I'm the 'friend'

I made the decision to stop all contact with my 'friends' because I didn't think they were that bothered and I wanted a quiet life. My life was turning into a soap opera or a farce and I was typing loads of messages a day telling all my friends what was happening. It became a joke and what happened to me was shockingly bad.

A couple of these women have disapeared completely but one asked me for xmas dinner next week and this other woman wrote me this 'keep in touch' message today.

I know these women probably care about me but after what happened, I just wanted to be alone.

Cant say I blame you Duff. We all withdraw from such situations. There is a line between friends and being made to feel we are only there when others want us. Are you not going for the dinner ?

 

[duff]

As long as you are happy with the situation its all that matters.

It is good to have friends of the opposite sex, the only problem that can happen is one person wants more than friendship and hate it when people exploit that fact when they just want appeasement (like PH said).

not that happy to be honest. Mildy annoyed, all these women could have chosen me but they didn't. I'm the 'friend'

I made the decision to stop all contact with my 'friends' because I didn't think they were that bothered and I wanted a quiet life. My life was turning into a soap opera or a farce and I was typing loads of messages a day telling all my friends what was happening. It became a joke and what happened to me was shockingly bad.

A couple of these women have disapeared completely but one asked me for xmas dinner next week and this other woman wrote me this 'keep in touch' message today.

I know these women probably care about me but after what happened, I just wanted to be alone.

Cant say I blame you Duff. We all withdraw from such situations. There is a line between friends and being made to feel we are only there when others want us. Are you not going for the dinner ?

yes I'm going next friday. It might be only a coffee, not sure. She's a story and a half but she asked and I felt I couldn't say 'no'

 

[monkeysox]

You have a good approach to things.

 

[duff]

You have a good approach to things.

really ?

 

[mancaughtweak]

I've often experienced that women will get in contact with me just for the attention if I have not initated contact with them. This is especially true for former sexual or flirtatios encounters.

But I don't see that as necessarily being equal to them not caring about me. As an example I have a former flirt who is now married who sometimes send me a message on facebook.

It seems that it is mainly just to see if she can still get some attention from me, but on the other hand I have no doubts that se cares for me on some level too.

But it probably depends on the relationship you have with her.

 

[PyramidHead]

Mildy annoyed, all these women could have chosen me but they didn't. I'm the 'friend'

Haha, I feel with you. The irony surely is strong in it. The only thing that is more annoying, that I have some of these female online contacts, who always cry when they get left by their last boy and then there comes all the sweet stuff like "You are so nice, kind, and so on, and more guys should be like you... " And guess what, the next thing I hear is that they got together with a guy and when they tell something about him, then I can already say "Are you sure about this?" And sooner or later, I hear that my suggestion was deadly right.

Still hate the compliments more. They tell you how great you are and completely ignore you... sounds like big lies to me. Or to quote from the internet: "Like telling a cook, how great his meals are, while never even tasting a bite." (I read something like this once in another forum... kinda fits it well.)

Well not much advice to give ... I always read, that you should not be too nice to them or don't give them to much attention, or else they won't want more of it. (why fighting for something you already have?)
So that they don't take you for granted and do something to keep you in their lives. But I guess this won't work on these friends anymore... better try on the next.
Sadly, I can't ... I'm too kind and I can't and won't change that.

 

[Romantic_Flower]

Sorry to bee too radical but... she gives a **** about you.
But Why?
Simple.
When u send her messages, you are feeding her popularity. You are feeding her self-steem.
And she needs to be fed, like any other human being...
Thats why she sent you a message. She wants you to feed her. But she doesnt want YOU. She just want what she can get from you. She wants to suck your soul.
Be careful with this kind of people.

 

[duff]

Mildy annoyed, all these women could have chosen me but they didn't. I'm the 'friend'

Haha, I feel with you. The irony surely is strong in it. The only thing that is more annoying, that I have some of these female online contacts, who always cry when they get left by their last boy and then there comes all the sweet stuff like "You are so nice, kind, and so on, and more guys should be like you... " And guess what, the next thing I hear is that they got together with a guy and when they tell something about him, then I can already say "Are you sure about this?" And sooner or later, I hear that my suggestion was deadly right.

Still hate the compliments more. They tell you how great you are and completely ignore you... sounds like big lies to me. Or to quote from the internet: "Like telling a cook, how great his meals are, while never even tasting a bite." (I read something like this once in another forum... kinda fits it well.)

Well not much advice to give ... I always read, that you should not be too nice to them or don't give them to much attention, or else they won't want more of it. (why fighting for something you already have?)
So that they don't take you for granted and do something to keep you in their lives. But I guess this won't work on these friends anymore... better try on the next.
Sadly, I can't ... I'm too kind and I can't and won't change that.

yes I get the 'your nice' line from many women. I do prefer to be a bit aloof, rather than bombarding them with messages every 5 minutes. Let them come to me if they want to get in touch.

---

Sorry to bee too radical but... she gives a **** about you.
But Why?
Simple.
When u send her messages, you are feeding her popularity. You are feeding her self-steem.
And she needs to be fed, like any other human being...
Thats why she sent you a message. She wants you to feed her. But she doesnt want YOU. She just want what she can get from you. She wants to suck your soul.
Be careful with this kind of people.

i think she hadn't heard from me for awhile and my last few messages (about the lottery !) were a bit short and to the point so she probably thought I was annoyed at her for some reason. So she sends a test the water message to see if I replied. Now I have I probably won't hear from her for weeks.

 

[ardour]

Sorry to bee too radical but... she gives a **** about you.
But Why?
Simple.
When u send her messages, you are feeding her popularity. You are feeding her self-steem.
And she needs to be fed, like any other human being...
Thats why she sent you a message. She wants you to feed her. But she doesnt want YOU. She just want what she can get from you. She wants to suck your soul.
Be careful with this kind of people.

Or maybe she just wasn't attrcted to him but didn't want to lose touch.

To the OP - has she ever initiated in the past, because if she has then I don't see any reason why you couldn't keep her as a friend.

 

[duff]

Sorry to bee too radical but... she gives a **** about you.
But Why?
Simple.
When u send her messages, you are feeding her popularity. You are feeding her self-steem.
And she needs to be fed, like any other human being...
Thats why she sent you a message. She wants you to feed her. But she doesnt want YOU. She just want what she can get from you. She wants to suck your soul.
Be careful with this kind of people.

Or maybe she just wasn't attrcted to him but didn't want to lose touch.

To the OP - has she ever initiated in the past, because if she has then I don't see any reason why you couldn't keep her as a friend.

since she left my work it was always me sending messages and her replying. Never the other way round, So that narked me as well as her getting some new fella.

 

[simplesimonette]

Being closer to the situation than I am, I'm sure you're more aware of her motivations than anyone else here. But I can offer you a woman's perspective.
I never really had a lot of friends, but the ones I did have were close to me. I enjoyed their company and conversations, and do admit that with some of my men friends, there were instances of unrequited feelings on my part. There were times when I was purposely honest about my interest - nothing wrong with throwing out a hint or two - but if my feelings were reciprocated I didn't entirely hold it against the guys who weren't interested. Could they have given me a shot? Sure - but at what end? They weren't interested, that was just the bottom line.
And because they were my friends, because I cared about them, I was happy when they found love when they did. How could I resent something that made a good friend of mine happy - no matter how much I ached to fill that role?
I've had the reverse happen as well, men interested in me but the interest was not returned. I didn't feel it was my fault - should I pretend to placate his feelings? What about my feelings?
Please don't get me wrong, I really don't know how she behaved toward you. I never deliberately flirted just to get attention though I have known women to behave that way. They get heady from a steady source of devotion and miss it when that dries up. Is that the relationship you have with her?
If she was just a friend, who didn't lead you on (and I don't know if she did or not), then why can't you be happy for her? Isn't that how friends react when something good happens to someone they care about? She may not be attracted to you romantically. I don't see how that equates to her not enjoying your company or caring about you.
When I lost a friend because I couldn't be what he wanted me to be, it hurt me. Cutting me off made me feel my feelings were inconsequential to him. I was being punished for something beyond my control - it wasn't fair. I don't think that's how true friends behave.
You shouldn't be so dismissive of her feelings if you are her friend. Just because she doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't make her a bad person or a bad friend. Unless she's deliberately stringing you along, how is her honesty an affront to your friendship?
Hope you feel better about your situation - I've been where you're at and I know the disappointment you're dealing with.
Best of luck.

 

[Milly]

What's wrong with just keeping in touch with someone because you're friends? Because that's what it sounds like this is. She cares about you. She's your friend - she's kept in touch with you even after you (by your own admission) started being very short with her. I don't get why that makes her some sort of heartless, calculating, attention-seeking uber-*****.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with her romantically. But from going through this thread it seems like it's set up for her to be the bad guy no matter what she does. If she doesn't reply, she's a ***** who never cared about you even though she kept in contact with you for a decade. If she does reply, she's a ***** who's only using you for attention.