Just Have Bad Luck? Or Do I Just Suck? (A Rant)

[DayvanCowboy]

I really envy the people who are close to my age and have never experienced a real relationship with someone. They still have a clean sheet and I hope they get to experience something great with someone in the near future.

In less than a week it is going to be a year exactly since I have gone out with someone who was not a family member. Staying home all the time is not fun since I do not get along with the people I have cared and tried to do so much for everyday. I don't understand how giving so much time and giving it my all rewards me with being more isolated and feeling more down.

Two years ago I met someone who changed everything for me. We went out as much as we could and had so much fun. It was nice to have a friend that was willing to do different things instead of the usual stuff I used to do with my ex-group of friends who just drank beer and talked about hockey. A month into this friendship things started happening to make me believe something more would evolve between us. This girl was someone that I never thought would take an interest in me like that, but she always did show some signs. So we talked about it and decided we should give it a go. Big mistake. Things got so weird and she suddenly started staying home on the days that we would usually meet each other. Then she became sick with bronchitis and I did everything I could to take care of her and make sure she was feeling a little better. She decided it would be good to spend the night together on Dec. 23, 2006 since we haven't spent many nights together. Worst ******* night ever. When I met her that night I seen a side of her I never knew she had. She was a little drunk and decided to stay as far away from me so I just sat down in a corner and talked to her. I knew she was feeling like she did wrong planning this and I was not angry with her. I wasn't angry until she let loose, she mentioned how she faked her bronchitis the whole time to stay away from me and she thought I was 'weird'. She said nothing will ever happen between us and she never wanted to have a boyfriend. She left me alone that night and I never heard from her again. Two months later I find out she has a boyfriend and they have been together ever since.

With the other things that have occurred in my life, the worst always happened during the month of December. During that specific month my grandmother almost died, I got into a head on collision with a drunk driver, and the one best things I thought I had going turned to be the opposite. I became so depressed and I had no one to talk to. My friends grew tension towards me because I changed and I lost them too. I also used to have a real nice job and they wanted to help me, but it was useless. I lost it all and I quit my job. I couldn't do nothing anymore.

(taking a break now, part 2 coming up)

 

[DayvanCowboy]

So after that, I decided to just better myself. I used to smoke a lot of weed and I quit that. I also took care of my mother, sister, and grandmother. I did everything I could for them. Got a decent part time job and went back to school. I even started exercising more.

Someone last year got my attention and something inside drove me to contact them. She wasn't that interested with me at first, but after we started talking more and more. Sometimes we would talk for 4-6 hours and I was considered 'invaluable' to her. It was nice to have someone who had so much in common with myself, but after I was led on to believe that things would become more between us. I made some mistakes and said some things that I would never have thought effected her the way they did, but we had an awesome month. She lived close by and when I asked her about meeting up she got very uncomfortable talking about it. She would get extremely angry with me because I expressed some thoughts I had, and the more 'mistakes' I made, the more distant she became. The last two weeks we kept in contact she just gave up and I ended up just being someone to talk to whenever her so called guy friend wasn't around. I was being used and strung along. I guess she never realized how much I looked forward to talking to her everyday and how much I cared for her. So on Valentine's Day she decided to go see her guy friend. Someone who she first told me she only met once, then it became several times. She also had to fly down to see him since he lives much farther away. He made a nice lovely sig for that night of two people hugging on a deserted road with the title of 'love'. FRIENDS DON'T DO THAT. I ousted her on the forum and revealed everything. Enough is enough. I felt bad for doing what I did because I posted a real nasty message, but it was warranted. She got caught and had some explaining to do, but she just left because she never gave a honeysuckle about me anyways. I'll never hear from her again, and I think its best.

After all the honeysuckle I have been through I really wonder when I will be spinning in a better wheel. With the fights I have with my family, and the women I meet I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm reset. Back to where I was before.

 

[Katia]

Wow, that is bad luck.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you. It can't be easy.

I don't think there is much I can say to make you feel better but I sympathize.

I wish you the best of luck in the future.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

Thanks Katia.

Now I should also mention that the second interaction was with someone who was going through a VERY VERY rough time. I just wish they would remember that I was there for them and never meant to upset them. Instead, I just get strung along and was never able to express my feelings or experiences with them. They were just closed off and I was just there for nothing.

 

[Needles]

I'm pretty sure this is just a huge sack of bad luck that's placed itself in your lap. I've always believed that if you had feelings for someone you should express them. Maybe go easy at first but make sure they know they are there. Especially if you think there is a possibility of something more serious or if they go first. However, my thoughts are not followed up with actions. And I think it's because I fear experiencing what you have gone through. I don't think I could handle it and I don't ever want to find out if I could. It's annoying how you can care for someone so much yet they seem so dense to the fact that you care and shrug you off like you don't even matter.

Hopefully this bad luck spell with dissipate and you will find someone who shares the same feelings as you.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Sorry about that Cowboy.
Sorry for all your losts

yes...cowboy..it's call abandenment...it is what it is.
That's what you're graping or trying not to accept...becuase you're thinking wtf ????
how in the hell can people be like that...will...fucken some poeple suck ass.
A total stranger you can shrug off...but when you emotional invested in it...it cuts like knives.
Acceptence is a son of a *****...but it'll stop the insanity.

i can't say i know exactly how you feel...but i can relate in a lot of ways.
You probably read some of my post...it's bascailly almost the same stuff over and over again.

It's difficult and not easy...sometimes i have my moments and my ass still falls off...
Even if i have to sit and cry for a while..even If I've falling down...
Even if i made mistake...even if life is unfair...even if my heart is broken
But I move forward inspite of all the honeysuckle...

I attend support groups...so i don't have to do it alone or process it alone.
My sponsors tells my this as i cry sometimes...
"You deserve better...you deserve to be happy."
In the rooms of recovery...I'm allow to express my feelings...whatever they are,
so that I don't have to hold all the honeysuckle inside of me anymore...
and generally...2-3 people in that meeting will nod their head...(body langue)
as I'm sharing....they know what i'm talking about or what I'm going through.
I don't even share stuff so i can fit in...i just share what's going on with me..honesty and openly.
I don't know what others had gone through.....

I can't go back to drinking and using ...I know that...no matter what.

 

[Steel]

Meh, I'm sorry that all happened to you Dayvan.

On the positive, you managed to turn your life around on your own.

Just remember.. being treated badly doesn't mean you deserve it. You deserve far better, and will find it one day.

Take care.

 

[Nyktimos]

Dayvan, you've had some bad luck, that doesn't mean you're unlucky. Things will turn around. Keep working at it, there's a whole world of people out there, and they're not all confused or insensitive. Hold in there.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

Thanks for your comments everyone and I agree with all of you.

Its just pretty bad when you are looking for a friend to spend time with and get led on to believe that things could be on the path to start a real intimate relationship with someone. Only for them to just use you and ditch you like your nothing.

Things do get a little better everyday with myself and I do feel good to not be associated with such embarassing personalities anymore. They may come again in different ways in the future, but I feel I'll be more ready and I need to trust my intuition more when it starts telling me that something is really wrong with somebody I am interacting with.

 

[Gerardo]

I know that feeling all too well. I had found someone just like that, with whom I spent hours talking, and worked a lot together. We were co-workers, and also studied together at the university. As time went by, I liked her more and more. There was some physical contact (minot things, like she grabbing my arm, touching my shoulder, etc), and even when we were invited to hang out, she told me she'd go only if I went with her. Then everything was ok, until I told her about my feelings. Suddenly she talked to me only if we were alone, but if there were other people, I'd be ignored. It went up until she quit because she got another job (for which I was the one who sent her resume, by the way), and she just ignored me after that. Didn't answer my calls or anything. Honestly, I was devastated. Shortly after that, I got a new job offer and took it, so I could forget all the memories that haunted me everyday at the old job.

The thing is, a few months ago, she called me, even telling me jokingly that I have placed her in abandonment. We started seeing again, but the truth was that her sole reason for it was just to have me help her study for the Fundamentals of Engineering exam (we're both Industrial Engineers). I've asked her to hang out various times, and she always puts some excuse. The worst part was that she did agree to go out with me about two weeks ago, but then that day she ignored my phone calls (just 2 calls, BTW, I'm not one to harrass people).

Right now, I'm just done with this. I'm not seeing her ever again. My attachment might have also come from the fact that she's the only girl who's ever shown interest in me. I'm just a mess when it comes to this sort of thing. And I'm actually decent looking, so I need to investigate what's wrong with me.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

Right now, I'm just done with this. I'm not seeing her ever again. My attachment might have also come from the fact that she's the only girl who's ever shown interest in me. I'm just a mess when it comes to this sort of thing. And I'm actually decent looking, so I need to investigate what's wrong with me.

That is the right attitude to have, Gerardo. I can tell you are someone who is smart enough to keep their distance and just be friendly if she pops up again, but with the things that have occurred between you and herself try not to get too friendly. Its hard if you consider her the only girl that has shown interest in you and she has treated you this way. It can make anyone a mess.

I feel the same way as you do. I really believe there is something wrong with me, but I look back and just can't pinpoint anything really. Its just bad luck the way I see it. You meet someone and think things are going to be absolutely great and the complete opposite happens. You try and try to think of what went wrong and blame yourself, but the reason why you can't find a straight answer is because she was the one who messed things up. You have done nothing except show her that you wanted to be a good friend to her, someone who cares about her and she just took that for granted.

 

[Gerardo]

As an update, we have such a weird relationship. We saw each other yesterday, and spent about three hours talking at StarBucks. I like that girl so much, yet am unable to win her heart. It's so frustrating not making it beyond a friendship, although I admit I do have a great time talking with her. Maybe as time passes I'll be able to accept it. I just hope my feelings don't become even deeper.

 

[Papabear]

you have dependency issues. Not sure how to help you there.

Also sounds like you ditched your friends to hang out with this girl citing "all they did was drink beer and watch hockey" as an excuse. Sounds like normal guys to me....

 

[DayvanCowboy]

you have dependency issues. Not sure how to help you there.

Also sounds like you ditched your friends to hang out with this girl citing "all they did was drink beer and watch hockey" as an excuse. Sounds like normal guys to me....

I agree about the dependency issue. That is something I am working on day by day.

As far as my so called friends. They were really never my friends and I have not hung out with them for almost a year before I met her. I really had nothing in common with them and they were TOO normal. Nothing bad ever happened to them. They lived such a 'vanilla' life that when they witnessed me getting into a real deep depression last year, they just grew tension towards me. They never asked what was wrong. They really didn't care.