Just hope has gone-Take off the amber, put out the lamp

[sempiternal]

Ive always found it hard to find friends, especially people my age. Its like to me the only thing they do is fool around. and play and do some stupid stuff. They don't like books. They don't like being alone. I actually like solitude. Cos then no one would bother me, or just make my life miserable. By isolation its a means of protection for myself. They won't be able to hurt me, or affect me. I try my best to shut them out. Those people who shut me out too. But sometimes being lonely hurts. When you are in a crowded place, yet you feel trapped, like watching the world, enclosed in a glass sphere. You speak but you are not heard. You try to break through, to seek connection but the glass is too thick. People walk a mile ahead, forgetting your existence. I really really wish someone can talk to me , when I am lonely and feeling like the world has caved in. Someone who doesn't judge and can understand me, and accept me for who I am. To them it doesn't matter. I'm like a rock in the sidewalk. I like it, I can't deny that. But its human nature to want to reach out. To have someone by your side during the worst times. All this while I've been walking on my own. The game of life is hard to play. I want to give up. I have problems with my family as well, feel like I am not even related to them. My mom is just put of her mind. She flares up at the slightest thing and even if nothing's wrong she will find something to pick a fight with me. Just yesterday she threw a cup at me and I got a bruise. Ironically she was the one who went to my dad sobbing. I was just reading a book. She didn't like it. What's wrong with reading a book? I can't do anything about this life. Its either I run away, I kill my parents, or I kill myself. I don't know how to survive on the streets. Its just like killing myself slowly. Provided I'm not nabbed back into that hellhole that's my home in two days, given my countries size. There's simply nowhere to run to. I don't want to be remembered for being a murderer either. I will be left an orphan. Not that its bad. But the consequences, I have a headache just thinking about it. So I came to the conclusion. The last choice. Ending my life. You probably will say it isn't a good one, but there really is no other. Perhaps you can suggest some more pathways I can take. To get myself out of this, end this pain. I'm open to suggestions. I will make my decision in 3 weeks time, before term starts.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hey sempiternal. I'm sorry you feel like the road is dark and lonely at such a young age already. But look around you, even on this forum, when you keep going, you get opportunities in life which you could take action with in your future. You're not going to be stuck being 12 forever and you're certainly not going to be stuck living with your family your entire life - that is if you take action. I'm not going to say that you've got a whole life ahead of you because you're so young, but I am going to say that you won't know what's in store for you in the years ahead.

Right now you can't get out and live your own life, it's difficult. You can't find a proper job at this age to support yourself even if you did try to get out. Since you already know what you don't want, you can use this time to plan and work towards what you'd like to have, if that means to find a job and move out when the time comes, then you put that as a goal and work towards it, use that as a motivation to keep going.

As for having someone by your side, what can I say. It took me years to find some really good trusted friends, and they're not even in my real life. I found them here on this forum. I found them not too long ago and I'm already 26. To find someone or something good, it always takes time. You'll meet a lot of disappointing and hurtful douchebags along the way, but I say it's worth it because those things that hurt you, they also leave lessons for you to learn from, and then you gotta keep going and apply what you've learned from your experiences to prevent having more douchebags in your way.

Find solutions to your problems. That's what say they say isn't it?

1. Loneliness - you could try making friends on this forum, or find meet up groups that you can join and do activities with. You can find forums or websites that are based on musical interests or book clubs that you can join and get involved, finding like-minded people who like the same things you do.

2. Abusive mother - you really should speak to your father about her. It's not right. You need to speak up before it gets worse. If you don't and you think it's not necessary, then you have to find means and ways to avoid her so that she doesn't unnecessarily hurt you physically... and mentally along the way. You seem like someone who's pretty mature for your age, so I hope you'll find the right thing to do, to protect yourself. It sucks, at your age, your parents are supposed to be the ones to protect you. That's why I said, talk to your father. If not, then you know you can only rely on yourself to keep yourself safe.

3. Killing people or yourself - I would urge you not to go down this road. There is no good done in killing anyone. You will not find any form of satisfaction from doing such things. You're going to regret it if you want a smooth and criminal-free record life. As about killing yourself, hey, why don't you value yourself a little more? You're capable of doing so many great things in life, you can do whatever you want when the time comes and you have the means to do them. Use your time and motivation to work towards these things. If you end your life, you're not even gonna have that chance at anything at all.

4. Seek help - I'd suggest you consider talking to another trusted adult about this. Or a professional adult. If you can speak to your school counsellor or a teacher you feel you can trust in school. Do that. Talk to them about all those issues above and see how they can help you along the way.

I'm not sure if any of these help in any way whatsoever, it may seem like there's not much to look forward to in your life, but how can you know, right? So you just keep going. You're the only person who's capable of changing how you perceive things in life. You're the only person who can decide how to deal with matters you face and you're the only person who can really decide how to feel about these things. Your mind is a powerful tool that if you know how to use it well, it will take you a long way.

Best of luck, I hope you find what you're looking for on this forum at least. Feel free to PM me if you want some company or if you need any other assistance. I'll try my best to help you out if I can. Take care, and cherish that life you have, my dear.

 

[hugswithtrees]

I can be a bit long winded and so much of what you wrote could have been written by me when I was younger; I'll try to keep this below novel length.

The one thing that always stood out to me about suicide is, you may be missing out on far more than you would ever be able to know, because you decided to quit (really, who knows?)
Also, having known and loved people who are gone (from their own hand or other things), it just leaves behind a lot of pain, it doesn't really solve anything and how do you know your pain will end there?
From your words, I get the impression that you DO want to live and have a lot of patience for dealing with what you've had to go through so far. I think you have more to lose by giving up than enduring and seeing what will come of your life when you can get to a happier place.
Hope can be cruel, offering something that sometimes never comes- it doesn't make it false hope though. Writing this could be the first step to you being a happier person, so why not see it a little longer?
Personally I just cannot accept suicide as an option and there are things in this life worth dealing with pain for. For what it's worth, I think a lot of people on this forum who also know pain and living in misery will tell you the same thing- that life is worth living, even if its overwhelming too often

 

[TheRealCallie]

I didn't read the other replies, so forgive me if I repeat something that has already been said.

You may say that you like being alone, but clearly you don't. You want to fit in, you want someone to connect to, you want relationships. I think it's just a matter that you don't think you can get them so you have resigned yourself to being alone.

Killing yourself or your parents isn't the answer and won't solve anything. You have SO much to live for and your life has barely begun. There are more options for you than you think. You need to find someone to talk to. You can PM me any time you want, talk about whatever you want, with NO judgments from me.
But, I feel like you also need to find someone in your real life that you can talk to. You didn't say much about your father, what is he like? Could you go to him with your feelings? Have you ever tried talking to your mother about how you are feeling? I know that seems daunting or useless, given what you said, but she may surprise you. Aside from your parents, what about other family members...an uncle, a cousin, a grandparent? There's also teachers, counselors. Even going to a church to talk to someone might help you. There ARE people out there that will listen to you and try to help you, you just have to find them. Even if you don't believe in God or certain religions, a Christian church would most likely still help you or offer you an ear, if nothing else.

I hope you find someone to help you or at least open up to someone here. There are always more options than you can see when you are in this state of depression. Also, you could always come into the chat room if you want to have a more in depth chat, there are so many people here that would be willing to help you.