I remember about two years ago, I'd bump into someone in the hall, and see it as an opportunity. I'd buzz about how I should pay more attention, and if the associated parties were free of injury. I remember being energetic and reactive to people. But, somewhere, somehow, that attitude just started to slip. When you'd jump out of bed in the morning rushing to see people who cared about you. Who you cared about.
I was always the socially awlkward part of a group, yet regardless, I was in fact part of a group. But for some reason, some inexplicable variable threw all of that into the trash. It started slow. A bump in the hall resulting in few short words exchanged after a couple of months. Then it became less still. The enthusiasm was seemingly sapped out of every day social interactions as they became all the more rare.
Less and less people contacted me. Less and less was the effort I made to contact them. I got angry. Confused. I got involved in a poisonous relationship. I alienated people further. I, in turn, was alienated further. I don't know what happened. For a while I was angry. I blamed my mother, I blamed my girlfriend, hell, by the end of if I blamed myself. I especially enjoyed blaming my girlfriend, though I didn't realize she was going through an even more difficult time than I was.
I was so headstrong and worked up about the unfairness of the world I failed to be fair to those in my own life. I didn't take time to observe my own shortcomings, for fear of finding any at all that I could not justify or brush the blame off. I stopped doing school work entirely. I failed two graded out of either the subconscious effort to recognize I was not ready to move on, or out of degenerate self loathing.
Emotion ally I've recovered, but I still suffer the fallout silently. With pride I must say! Clear movements toward a prospective future. Calm and cool, instead of angry and seething. Ready for college education! But, still hollow. Still apathetic to my peers. To people. Now people see me as somewhat respectful. But what's the toll I pay every time I bump into someone in the hall, a mumble a quiet apology? Every time a conversation is cut short by poor, unimaginative answers? More than what its worth. Sure I'm secure in my future, but, I still feel as lonely as I did back then.
I've never told anyone that, A Lonely Life. That's the first time I've been able to say what's on my mind in a long time. Thank you for listening.
I was always the socially awlkward part of a group, yet regardless, I was in fact part of a group. But for some reason, some inexplicable variable threw all of that into the trash. It started slow. A bump in the hall resulting in few short words exchanged after a couple of months. Then it became less still. The enthusiasm was seemingly sapped out of every day social interactions as they became all the more rare.
Less and less people contacted me. Less and less was the effort I made to contact them. I got angry. Confused. I got involved in a poisonous relationship. I alienated people further. I, in turn, was alienated further. I don't know what happened. For a while I was angry. I blamed my mother, I blamed my girlfriend, hell, by the end of if I blamed myself. I especially enjoyed blaming my girlfriend, though I didn't realize she was going through an even more difficult time than I was.
I was so headstrong and worked up about the unfairness of the world I failed to be fair to those in my own life. I didn't take time to observe my own shortcomings, for fear of finding any at all that I could not justify or brush the blame off. I stopped doing school work entirely. I failed two graded out of either the subconscious effort to recognize I was not ready to move on, or out of degenerate self loathing.
Emotion ally I've recovered, but I still suffer the fallout silently. With pride I must say! Clear movements toward a prospective future. Calm and cool, instead of angry and seething. Ready for college education! But, still hollow. Still apathetic to my peers. To people. Now people see me as somewhat respectful. But what's the toll I pay every time I bump into someone in the hall, a mumble a quiet apology? Every time a conversation is cut short by poor, unimaginative answers? More than what its worth. Sure I'm secure in my future, but, I still feel as lonely as I did back then.
I've never told anyone that, A Lonely Life. That's the first time I've been able to say what's on my mind in a long time. Thank you for listening.
