Keeping in touch with an ex.

[annik]

I'm sure this topic has been posted before...

Is it ever a good idea to stay in touch with an ex? In my case I think describing it as "staying friends" would be seriously pushing it.

My boyfriend and I were together about 3 years, it wasn't really a great relationship. I wanted a lot more out of it than him I think. He didn't treat me badly so much as neglect me. We really didn't spend enough time together at all. I just ended up getting more and more unhappy. Obviously it came to a head and eventually we split. About 2 years later than maybe we should have done. But I had few friends and was scared of being alone without him.

We split maybe two years a go but we have pretty much stayed in touch since. I'm worried the reasons I still speak to him are the same as the ones that kept me in the relationship so long.

I also worry its simply because I have such are hard time "letting go" of things.

I really don't know how much good it is doing me. I don't feel like I have a friend. Our only contact is short meaningless emails. I know he doesn't tell me anything and lies to me. Its not so much that I care about that but it just seems like such a waste of time carrying on with it. I know if I needed someone he wouldn't be there for me. It also makes me feel quite down on myself for various reasons.

I have complicated feelings I guess. I did stay with him for a long time because I genuinely cared about him and because I knew of some issues that made him act like he did. But I'm worried my loneliness is keeping me in contact with him now just out of fear.

 

[mintymint]

I really don't know how much good it is doing me. I don't feel like I have a friend. Our only contact is short meaningless emails. I know he doesn't tell me anything and lies to me. Its not so much that I care about that but it just seems like such a waste of time carrying on with it. I know if I needed someone he wouldn't be there for me. It also makes me feel quite down on myself for various reasons.

If the reasons you still talk to him are the reasons you stayed in the relationship so long, which you seem to regret doing, then maybe that's a good indication of what you should do. And the above paragraph says a lot as well. It just seems like a pointless, even toxic connection that you are maintaining. There are others out there. Don't be afraid to move forward with your life.

 

[annik]

If the reasons you still talk to him are the reasons you stayed in the relationship so long, which you seem to regret doing, then maybe that's a good indication of what you should do. And the above paragraph says a lot as well. It just seems like a pointless, even toxic connection that you are maintaining. There are others out there. Don't be afraid to move forward with your life.

Yes as I was writing it I was think your answering your own question here. He's not a horrible guy but he made me miserable in a relationship and he's making me miserable now.

I did break contact once when I thought I'd met someone else. Half because I wanted a new start and didn't want him and issues with him causing problems when I was just beginning with someone else. Half because it didn't seem fair on my new man. As it was new man was an arse...

It feels a bit like we are a bit co dependant in a quite unhealthy way. I should stop it but I have quite an obsessional personality and I really find change and letting go hard. It's just habit and easy.

 

[mintymint]

I should stop it but I have quite an obsessional personality and I really find change and letting go hard. It's just habit and easy.

Sometimes it seems easy. But in my experience it usually does more harm than good. Wounds have a hard time healing when you keep poking at them.

 

[Lollipop286]

In most cases, staying friends with an ex will just lead to trouble. The two of you have shared your feelings with one another, have been romantically involved. It's very rare that someone could go from that, to friends and stay that way. I mean, they're an ex for a reason, you know?

Things could lead to getting back into a relationship, being jealous of them having further relations with other people, or just being hurt in general because they're still in your lives. Most of all, being friends might stop you from letting go and getting over things completely or at all.

In the end, it up to you to decide if you want to try to have a good friendship with them or not based on what you think is right for you.

 

[annik]

Wounds have a hard time healing when you keep poking at them.

Ah this is so true for me that I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I mean I've told him I'm not going to talk to him anymore, there's no point. But then I always end up feeling down and saying something. I've also just stopped talking but then when I get messages I feel like a cow just blanking them.

I think I'd feel better if we just were normal. Its the situation thats just crap. Why he can't just be open, honest and real. That's just so frustrating and pointless.

I mean I tell him about stuff in my life when I got a new boyfriend. He's secretive to the point of insanity.

To be honest I completely fail to see what he gets out of us still speaking too.

In most cases, staying friends with an ex will just lead to trouble. The two of you have shared your feelings with one another, have been romantically involved. It's very rare that someone could go from that, to friends and stay that way. I mean, they're an ex for a reason, you know?

Things could lead to getting back into a relationship, being jealous of them having further relations with other people, or just being hurt in general because they're still in your lives. Most of all, being friends might stop you from letting go and getting over things completely or at all.

In the end, it up to you to decide if you want to try to have a good friendship with them or not based on what you think is right for you.

I do agree with you.

For us getting back together was never really going to be on the cards. Jealously of course is an issue. I can only guess at what his life if like now as I get told nothing. However I'm sure he has a girlfriend and I do feel weird about it plus I feel sorry for her too. He's been moody about my relationship status too so cutting the ties really would be best I can see it.

Its just knowing there will be no on about is scary, really scary. Even though I'm getting nothing from him.

 

[Badjedidude]

I generally always keep in touch with my exes.

But I always move on. No going back.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I keep vaguely in touch; as in, its possible to reach me and I never cut her out of my life entirely - this sometimes means some very unusual random calls. It gets awkward to keep anything like close contact, however.

 

[floffyschneeman]

this is an interesting topic. I don't have anything to add but more like a query. How can one change the kind of love he has for one person to another kind like let's say, a friendly type?

I find it quite hard to imagine that you've been with this person for a very long time and you've had a different, almost deeper kind of connection and then you start seeing him/her as a friend. How will you get to know him/her as a friend and not as lovers and if you successfully manage to become friends with that person, whenever you look at him/her, will it still bring you memories of how you used to be?

This is an open question. I am just wondering. ^^

 

[Todd]

If you know that you are emotionally stunted from this relationship, then give the communication a break, heal and move forward with your life. Getting over a relationship sometimes is easy and then again it is just plain hard to get over that relationship. You will find someone who will treat you the way that you need to be treated and vice versa.

 

[Badjedidude]

How can one change the kind of love he has for one person to another kind like let's say, a friendly type?

I find it quite hard to imagine that you've been with this person for a very long time and you've had a different, almost deeper kind of connection and then you start seeing him/her as a friend. How will you get to know him/her as a friend and not as lovers and if you successfully manage to become friends with that person, whenever you look at him/her, will it still bring you memories of how you used to be?

That's a good question.

Here's my attempt at answering it:

In a healthy relationship, you will be friends with your lover ANYWAY. You need to let go of the idea that you can only have one TYPE of relationship with a person at a time. It's quite possible to love someone romantically AND be friends with them AND possibly hate them. So if you look at it that way...

...it's not so unbelievable that you can discard the LOVE part (after some time spent apart, and some personal time spent healing yourself or rebounding from the relationship)... and then only have the FRIENDS part left.

Yes, the FRIENDS part will always be a bit different than when you were friends before you dated. For instance, you had SEX with the person that is now your friend. So you just have to modify your thinking to fit those parameters. She is only my friend now. I had sex with my friend. It may or may not happen again. She will not be my lover again.

That's how it works for me, anyway.

*shrug*

 

[floffyschneeman]

hmmm. I think I kinda understand it. Just that I also think people need time apart to get over the as lovers part before they can move on the the friends only part. Like what you have said.

But I guess I will never know unless I'll be in the situation. Though this is for sure, it's not always easy for the new person in your life to grasp

 

[Badjedidude]

Just that I also think people need time apart to get over the as lovers part before they can move on the the friends only part. Like what you have said.

Oh, yes. Definitely. Too many people go right from one relationship to the next. Personally, I took like... almost half a year away from dating before I felt like I was OK and in a good place to date again. It varies from person to person, but I think most people NEED a time by themselves, as a single person... to figure out where they stand before they can go out there looking for love again.

Though this is for sure, it's not always easy for the new person in your life to grasp

Hah yeah.. the new person never wants to hear you're still talking to the ex.

*whispers*

that's why you just don't mention it!!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

LMAO....Me still being in the friendzone after the firey passionate
love making, dancing under the moon lights and the thousands of times
she say , baby, honey, sweet heart....

The way she talks, the way she walks. the way she smiles.
Especailly if she's super fine as the day she was when i met her.
Just her presence or escent when she's around me...I go totally crazy.
Especailly if I'm still as sexy as when we first met.....

In theory...all that honeysuckle or whatever the fresia advice might sound good
or if your ex totally went south. Stopped taking care of themselve ect....

In reality...she can only look at a piece of candy for so long until she want a taste.
I can only be around her for so long until i wanna lick her.

Havn't hear?
" I still remember the way you taste"

The only way Ive ever been able to keep peace with my ex is no contact or i have hate for them
Mostly its just fault hate to make myself believe..Im better off without her.
Thats because everyone of my EXs said they all wanted me back, if we talk.


You go from one relationship to another...so you can fill more memories you have with other people.

Or you take a year off to be by yourself..get to know yourself or whatever the fresia
The fucken relaity is....you'll sit home staring at the four fucken walls wanting to hang yourself.
Always thinking about her all the fucken time FEELING lonely as fresia. Instead of getting to know yourself better.


Put the theory or what you believe into practice and see for yourself.
I followed those fucken retared advice and ended up here.LMAO

 

[annik]

Thanks everyone for the replies and advice. floffy's question is totally a brilliant one. For my boyfriend and I its however not a relevant issue so I'm not sure how I would be in that situation.

I think whether you stay in touch with an ex depends a lot on the person. I only stay in touch with this one for various reasons. None of my others.

I guess my question now is really if I am going to end the contact whats the best way to go about that? Do I explain why and then cut off all contact? Or should I leave it at least open for the future? Or do I just stop answering his messages?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You just keep it simple and say I wish
No more contact....It worked well with one of my EX...No dramma no turrama.

With my ex wf...after we had contacted again. We both wanted to get back of course.. But after things fell through...
She bascailly said mean things or things she knows that I would despied of her.
Shes not a hateful person. She bascially Blocked me @ first. Then we got into it
really bad. For the first time in my life i was actaully able to tell her to fresia OFF.
The anger I had for her..The hate I had for her...motivated me to move forward with my life.
Shes alot smarted and Kinder than you might think...She wasnt going to drag me through whatever forever or any longer than it had to be...
Intuitively I knew that.
Im alot smarter than she thinks.

Its becuase of that deep eomtional connection we had. If I didnt love her or cared for her...I wouldnt hurt so god **** much...She knows that.

 

[annik]

Yes I often think to just stop the contact is the best way. In my head just decide. I don't think it would really take long before he just stopped trying to contact me.

My ex and I are well past the point where we are trying to hurt each other. Our split was really some time ago. It did get very personal and a lot of things were said and done at the time. By both of us. I guess that's one reason why I still have carried on with it. You end up thinking if he still talks to me after that then he must have some worth in my life. There comes a point though where its really not helping anyone though.

Ha so I'm going round in circles!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Pissed off at one woman...

Mad fresia the next woman or women.
These women knows where I stand
That would be my thing sometimes..
Life gose on...right, wrong or indifference...

Everyone reacts differently.
Ultimately it still your decisions.
You need not carry the guilt of other aduilt actions or reactions.
Its not your burden to carry..

 

[Badjedidude]

I guess my question now is really if I am going to end the contact whats the best way to go about that? Do I explain why and then cut off all contact? Or should I leave it at least open for the future? Or do I just stop answering his messages?

I think it depends on the particular person. Some people can handle being cut off immediately. Others can't -- and they'll just bug the holy fresia out of you until you explain yourself.

Go with your gut on this one.

 

[annik]

Yeah I think my ex will deal with just being cut off whereas I'm the sort of person who would rather be told. Thing is even if I tell him I doubt he'd think I was serious because I've gone back on it in the past. I think I'll just stop answering and only explain why if he asks. Hedging my bets there I know!