grundel70
Well-known member
Last night I was in pretty bad shape emotionally. I am not sure why...there really wasn't a catalyst that ignited this feeling...it just happened.
I felt this wave of stress and anxiety come over me. It was very disturbing...kinda like you are waiting for an answer to a very important question...and the answer will be either very good or very bad...but you just don't know.
However the feeling would not go away. I was so worried...nothing I did could resolve this. I have not eaten anything since it started, and have no desire to. (not good if you are a diabetic)
It was all I could do to force myself to eat a cracker this morning...
IT then morphed into something else. It morphed into a profound, almost overbearing, feeling of loneliness. I never felt more isolated, alone, and meaningless in my entire life.
Normally when I get this way I fire up my PC and write. I try to tap into this energy and use it to create...and usually by creating it helps this 'bad stuff' inside of me simply disapate...but last night nothing came. I sat in front of my blank monitor staring...
I longed for social contact. I wanted so bad for someone to tell me it would be ok...a real voice...not a chat message or an email. I wanted someone to hug me and whisper in my ear that I am thought of and cared for.
It was pretty bad. In fact I still feel like that. I sit here at work, smiling and joking with everyone. But something is missing inside. I don't knwo where it is...hell Idon't even know WHAT it is that is missing?
Is it my heart? My soul? My Passion? My cell phone?
It is hard to fill this void if I don't even know what I need to fill it with. I suppose a hug would be a good start...now only if I could find real arms and a real person to do it...
I try to be positive. I try to offer alot of constructive advice to everyone. I try to be helpful. But let this be a lesson to all...everybody has a time where they have to go through this. No one is immune to sadness, loneliness, and despair.
Now I have a choice. How will I deal with this? I can choose to crawl up into a ball and hide in my shell...a place i found so much comfort in before. A place I know that no one will judge me, no one will say bad things about me. However, it is also a place that no one can find me, and no one can love me...
I am not going to go back there. That place...that safe warm place...is no different than a prison. I know that my heart was never meant to be contained in such a place, and I know that I will never know happiness there.
I hope I can find my way through this. I hope I can find what I lost...that missing peice.
I felt this wave of stress and anxiety come over me. It was very disturbing...kinda like you are waiting for an answer to a very important question...and the answer will be either very good or very bad...but you just don't know.
However the feeling would not go away. I was so worried...nothing I did could resolve this. I have not eaten anything since it started, and have no desire to. (not good if you are a diabetic)
It was all I could do to force myself to eat a cracker this morning...
IT then morphed into something else. It morphed into a profound, almost overbearing, feeling of loneliness. I never felt more isolated, alone, and meaningless in my entire life.
Normally when I get this way I fire up my PC and write. I try to tap into this energy and use it to create...and usually by creating it helps this 'bad stuff' inside of me simply disapate...but last night nothing came. I sat in front of my blank monitor staring...
I longed for social contact. I wanted so bad for someone to tell me it would be ok...a real voice...not a chat message or an email. I wanted someone to hug me and whisper in my ear that I am thought of and cared for.
It was pretty bad. In fact I still feel like that. I sit here at work, smiling and joking with everyone. But something is missing inside. I don't knwo where it is...hell Idon't even know WHAT it is that is missing?
Is it my heart? My soul? My Passion? My cell phone?
It is hard to fill this void if I don't even know what I need to fill it with. I suppose a hug would be a good start...now only if I could find real arms and a real person to do it...
I try to be positive. I try to offer alot of constructive advice to everyone. I try to be helpful. But let this be a lesson to all...everybody has a time where they have to go through this. No one is immune to sadness, loneliness, and despair.
Now I have a choice. How will I deal with this? I can choose to crawl up into a ball and hide in my shell...a place i found so much comfort in before. A place I know that no one will judge me, no one will say bad things about me. However, it is also a place that no one can find me, and no one can love me...
I am not going to go back there. That place...that safe warm place...is no different than a prison. I know that my heart was never meant to be contained in such a place, and I know that I will never know happiness there.
I hope I can find my way through this. I hope I can find what I lost...that missing peice.
