Learning to talk to people again.

[landlocked]

So in my renewed efforts to have conversations and be more outgoing I've found I have developed a lot of bad habits and returned to habits that I learned to break when I was younger. Some examples of these are:

-Not saying hello or goodbye or other formalities. I walk up, start asking questions and when the conversation dies I walk away. I know it's awkward but I can't seem to tell when I'm doing it.

-My replies are either extremely short or overly longwinded. I can't seem to find a middle ground.

-Using words that are not really understood. I like to be precise in my language and don't want to feel like I'm dumbing down my speech for the benefit of others, but I've been told it makes people feel like they're stupid.

-Either being far too open for comfort, or being far too secretive. Again, I can't seem to find the sweet spot.

-Looking around constantly. People keep accusing me of not paying attention to them even though I am.

The real problem for me right now is how can I know when I'm doing these things, and not just recognize them after the fact? How can I become more self-aware without becoming self conscious?

Have any of you found yourselves in a similar situation and improved your skills? Do any of you currently find yourself having any of these issues? Does anyone have any suggestions for books or other resources?

 

[gofish]

Hi, landlocked. I don't know your whole situation, but I think I can relate at least a little. I grew up very outgoing, confident, and social. Then, when I was 20, I was in a life-altering and physically disabling car accident. While I survived by the grace of God and have come a long way, I have never fully recovered the confidence in social interaction that I once had.
You sound like a passionate and educated person, and I saw that you asked for some reading suggestions. In working for Focus on the Family, I have been exposed to some great books I'd like to share with you. You might be interested in picking up a copy of The DNA of Relationships and Authentic Communication. If you'd like to talk to a counselor about this issue, you can do that for free.
Hope something here helps. I know it's hard when you feel alienated or rejected by others, but you are unique and hold great value in that. God bless you!

 

[AFrozenSoul]

If you figure it out let me know. I have all but given up saying i am defective.

 

[paulo]

im not sure how to change it if you dont know youre doing it.
i notice people getting uncomfortable or looking at me funny.
so i tryed to find out why and not do those things if i dodnt want to make em uncomfortable.
sometimes its fun to do it on purpose though
but if im not paying attention it still happens sometimes.

at least you know what it is youre doing.
and you know what people expect.
so now you just need to pay atention.

(-Not saying hello or goodbye or other formalities. I walk up, start asking questions and when the conversation dies I walk away. I know it's awkward but I can't seem to tell when I'm doing it.)

this one in awesome,I wish more people did that.
big waist of time

 

[landlocked]

Update: I'm finding that in spite of all these oddities people are definitely responding to me better. 3 people have initiated conversations with me and actually asked me questions.

Since I know that it's going to take a long time to re-develop my communication skills I've been focussing on things that require very little talking. For instance, I helped a guy who works with me move.

Gofish- Thank you very much for the suggestions and encouragement, and I'm glad they're faith centered books. I'm sorry to hear about your struggle but it is very uplifting to see you've kept your faith. As for my situation, I've never been very good at socializing but when I was younger I worked hard to improve my people skills, but I never let anyone get to know me fully. I was very fragmented in my interactions, except with my ex. When my ex dumped me I took it very hard and isolated myself. A few months ago I was a jerk to a complete stranger and after telling me off she came back and apologized to me and it hurt, which led me to realize I've never accepted forgiveness because I didn't feel like I was worth it. Now I am trying to improve my social skills so that I may spread the word more effectively.

AFrozenSoul-I'm sorry to hear you're in such a place, but I am certain we are not defective. At least, no more so than anyone else. I'll be certain to share any insights I find, though.

paulo-You're probably right I do just need to pay more attention to those little things. It becomes difficult because when I pay extra attention I become self-conscious seeing problems where they don't exist and that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, I think. It'll probably just take more practice, huh?

I agree that it would be nice if more people didn't bother with time wasting pleasantries. Unfortunately I've found some people get really offended by a lack of them.

 

[Phaedron]

Best solution: raise your Charisma stat to 18. Learn from the Paladins of old.

Talking in person is awkward unless you know them. I find myself hyperactive, firstly in my mind as I scurry over what to say, and can give someone the wrong impression with facial expressions / body language because I'm so full of ideas I tend to space out and not be mindful of my complexion. There are times when I can be the life of the party, but more often boring and not really connecting with anyone. I'm better at rehearshing and reading speeches then spontanous two-way conversation.

On the other hand, when you live with someone everyday all of the jitters and facade go away, and people just be themselves. Consider that charisma and conversation dance between the delicate balance of truth and perception, amidst a world of masks and uncertainties. We tend to dangle upon the precipice of illusory impressions, and become liars by default in our seemingly impossible efforts to really share who we are with another person.

To that end I have often wished for a telepathic girlfriend, but such a scenario could be equally disturbing, unless you have reached a point where you aren't ashamed of anything, and are able to bring it all into the open.

 

[paulo]

youre right if you pay to much attention to every little thing you might be doing "wrong" its onely gonne get more awkward.

just be carefull you dont come acros as a complete ass, offending everyone
witch im sure you dont, seems youre trying hard enough not to.
but dont take it to far.
you still need to be able to be who you are.

practise helps to get the basic things "right" like shaking hands and stuff.
but for knowing when to shut up cause youre boring someone or how much you can open up to without it being awkward or not sharing enough witch makes people think you dont want to talk to them.
thats different for every person you talk to.
so unless i know someone already its pretty much impossible to get it just right.
but thats the same for everyone.
some people just pick up on things like that verry fast and others have to work for it a bit harder.

i dont try TO hard to be "normal" anymore.
i am who i am and as long as i dont purposly offend anyone i dont mind being a litte stange.
it makes you misterious and interesting

 

[Sci-Fi]

Glad things are going better for you.

I just want to talk about the "dumbing it down" part. There's nothing wrong with be more articulate with your speaking, and you really don't have to dumb it down for people. Just use more common everyday words that people don't have to go look up in a dictionary after, or can't figure out what it means by your use. I've heard people use interesting or more articulate words, and when phrased correctly, even if you don't know what it means or heard it before, you get the gist of what it means. Know what I mean, or am I talking in circles, I tend to do that sometimes?

 

[An archist]

Consider that charisma and conversation dance between the delicate balance of truth and perception, amidst a world of masks and uncertainties. We tend to dangle upon the precipice of illusory impressions, and become liars by default in our seemingly impossible efforts to really share who we are with another person.

The lyricism of this just struck me. You're quite the word-smith, phae!

 

[landlocked]

I'm not sure where this is from but:

I'll break my peace if you'll break my silence. We can talk about my thoughts and feelings, we just can't talk about me. Your opinion doesn't matter to me, but your affection does. You feel the way I hate and I hate the way you feel.
I'll take the blame if the author doesn't show up

Thank you God for finally giving me the words, wherever they're from.

If I read this on here, thank you to whoever posted it.