letters never mean to be read

[Guest]

dear xgf,
yesterday by coincidence some people told me about your self-proclaimed new life. it really hit me hearing all these things. once you were so desired by many people. you were so special. now there is nothing left. you seem to make out with every boy you meet and always need to be touched by someone. you turned in some kind what people call b*tch. you lost your reputation. youre just a soft toy. youre falling down.
its not my own perception, others told me. i know these girls, i know how unhappy and empty they are. at this point im just tired of it.
this turned all of my feelings upside down. attraction suddenly turned into rejection. jealousy into not caring any more.
finally im losing this heavy burden. its like im taking a deep breath. i found my resolution. im feeling sorry even though not very much. its over now. bye.

 

[Someone]

Dear Dad,

How ironic life is. When you were here I didn't want to be around you. I thought we were too different. I couldn't relate to you. Now years after you're gone I see how alike we are. We didn't get along because we were too much alike and didn't know each other. I was only a kid. I wish I got to know you better. I understand now why you always bought me things and bragged about me. It was your way of showing love. I wish you could have just hugged me and told me that you loved me. That would have been easier for a kid to understand. I could have told you that I loved you back. I'm sorry but I don't even remember if I ever told you I loved you. I hope you know I did. I never meant it when I said that I hated you, wanted you to leave and wished you were dead. I think you were smart enough to know that I didn't mean it. All those names you called me and teased me with, I wish I could hear you say them again. I do remember your voice. I miss it. I still love my shu meis. I think of you everytime I eat them. I just had some tonight. It's been years but it still seems like yesterday when you left. As I always say in my prayers I am not angry at you. I forgive you for leaving us, even though we needed you more than you knew. I love you. And as always I'm sorry.

GK

 

[Searching_4_My_Soul-Mate]

Dear friends... How can I make him understand that the following is how I feel:


Last week – Eric decided to take the kids to Matt and Sherry’s without me and without even telling me. Then when I got upset and told him I didn’t want the kids there – he blasted me. All of a sudden – he acts like Matt and Sherry are so innocent and that it is all my fault that I can’t be part of his family. I am hurt and angry – and Eric won’t even acknowledge it. I’m the bad person once again. Eric acts like I have no right to feel this way – even though it is Matt and Sherry who have always treated me like honeysuckle – since day one.

Now Eric wants to take the kids to Matt and Sherry’s on Easter to meet his brother. Of course – I wasn’t asked once again. And Eric is mad at me because I don’t want my kids around people who hate me and who don’t acknowledge me. Besides – his family has not been there for my kids… My family has been there since before they were born. My family has been the ones doing for my kids – NOT Eric’s family. Now all of a sudden his family is going to come before mine? My family has been there for birthday parties, Christenings, and for baby-sitting. My family has helped us out financially. It was my Dad and Uncle who put the furnace in Eric’s house I is mad at me. He is supposed to be supportive of me. I am the one who is being hurt. He may be hurt, too – but I didn’t start this. His family started it. They all hate me and act like I am evil. I am not perfect… But I do the best I can. Yet they don’t acknowledge the private hell I endured with Eric during his drinking days. I feel so rejected. Why does everyone always reject me? Why am I treated so badly? Why does Eric hate me for feeling hurt and angry with the way that his family treats me? I never got an apology or anything from his family… even when they were clearly wrong. I get blamed for everything from them. I hate that they judge me when they don’t even have all the facts. I hate how everyone talks bad about Sherry and about how much they hate her – but yet they are all nicey –nice to each other and do things together… yet I am never invited. Can’t Eric understand why I feel so hurt and angry? Instead he puts me down even more for feeling this way. He is putting me down for the way I am reacting instead of understanding and comforting me. I am tired of getting treated like the bad guy. I am not a bad person.

I had reservations to go to Oglebay for the night with Eric. He won’t even go with me now. He doesn’t want to be with me. He says that I don’t love him. That is just an excuse from him. The truth is that he doesn’t love me anymore but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t know what more I can do. I think that he is taking my kids to Matt and Sherry’s on purpose to watch me get upset so he can tell everyone how bad I am. If he loved me – he would support me and he wouldn’t hurt me like this. He would try to talk to them about how I feel and try to help establish peace. But instead – he is stabbing me in the back.

Easter Sunday and Eric decided to not go with me to Easter dinner at my Mom’s and Dad’s. He said it is because I uninvited him. I apologized yesterday for being so upset. I guess he is going to punish me – even though I don’t deserve it. Why can’t he understand why I am so hurt and upset? Why can’t he stick up for me? When his family was saying mean things about me – did he blast them the way he blast me when I lash out because of the treatment I get from his family? I can’t say anything about them... but they can totally trash me and invite everyone but me. I have always wanted to be part of his family or at least accepted. I have tried reaching out to them. When Eric and I first got together – I thought his family was so nice. I was so excited about getting to be friends with them and hoping to feel like part of the family. Then it started in the very beginning of our relationship with Matt and Sherry… I tried to reach out anyway – even though I was hurt. When Eric had a party at the house with his family – I tried to play a good hostess.. Sherry completely ignored me which made me feel really bad… I already had issues about her and Matt to begin with because of them telling Eric that I was no good for him. Sherry’s treatment was just another cut of many more to come. Eric confronted Matt about how bad I was feeling about how they treat me – and Matt blew it off by saying “What do you want me to do about it?” The next time they came over – I stayed upstairs because I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. And instead of Eric understanding how I felt – he sat there and called me a *****. Did he call anyone from his family a ***** when they talked bad about me or when they would invite him and not me to go out? I finally learned that they want nothing to do with me. As for the rest of the family… I was excited to meet Eric’s cousins, Madeline and Barb. I had a really good time and thought they were so nice. I got stabbed in the back with that one as well when I discovered the porno letters Madelyn and Eric were writing to one another. And then I read what Madelyn wrote about me – that I wasn’t “too stable in my mental capacity”. How could she say this about me when she has never even met me before? I wouldn’t have cared about the emails if they were not kept a secret from me. I know people joke around sometimes.. I have joked with people as well…. But these emails weren’t just one or two funny – joking emails. There were many of them…. And then they used, in Madelyns words, “alternate email addresses” so that nobody would know what they were doing. If it was such a joke – then why go out of the way for such secrecy? Why continue the emails? A joke would have been one or two emails. But they continued and who knows how long they would have if I hadn’t finally said something to Eric. Even when I confronted him – he lied to me. So – there you have it from the very beginnings of our relationship.. Already he is lying to me about other women. And of course – when I freaked out about discovering this – his family was mad at me.. not him or Madelyn. Nobody cared about how hurt I was that I was lied to or that the man I loved was emailing another woman and telling her what he wanted to do to her sexually. I did not deserve this treatment. Eric treated me like honeysuckle over this as well. Then there is the whole thing with Eric’s son… It is no secret that he doesn’t want Eric to be with me. He was upset that I was pregnant with Rachel. This is hurtful to me as well because I don’t understand what it is that I did to make everyone resent me so much. I wasn’t invited to his ship ceremony.. Everyone in the house was invited except me. When they were visiting – I was told that the two of them were going out for a father/son thing. I then found out it was a dinner with Matt and Sherry and other wives. Again – I wasn’t asked. It’s as if I don’t exist. I threw a 50th birthday party for Eric… I still invited Matt and Sherry – even though it meant that I would be treated like dirt.. I invited Eric’s sister and husband. I invited Eric’s ex-wife and her family… Sarah and I even tried to get Eric’s ex-step son, Brice, to the party. I went out of my way to try to make this party special for Eric because he deserves it. Eric doesn’t see the effort I made – inviting people regardless of the fact that they hate me…. Having Brice there would have made me feel a bit awkward because I know how much Eric was in love with Linda – but I wanted him there because I thought it would make Eric happy. Unfortunately – Brice couldn’t make it. Now I move on to Gayle. I wanted this woman to be the Godmother of my only son. I had planned on making her the person to take Rachel and Michael in the event of mine and Eric’s death. I always trusted her not to judge – but I was wrong. When Eric and I planned on visiting her last summer with the kids – she told Eric that she didn’t want me there. I had already made plans to go. I took time off work and was in the process of deciding whether or not Richelle and Deanna should come. Then Eric had to break the news to me that I wasn’t invited. In the beginning – I was hurt.. Now the hurt has turn to anger. To make it worse – I don’t have Eric backing me up or even comforting me. He’s not sorry for his family’s actions. He hasn’t stuck up for me – but instead blames me. I thought that this would eventually go away and that eventually I would be accepted… but I am continuously reminded about it. I don’t want to be around his family because I am tired of being rejected and hurt. Now, it is all getting thrown in my face once again. Last week Eric made an unannounced visit to Matt and Sherry’s with my kids. When I was upset about it – he got mad at me. He acted like he didn’t know where I was getting the idea that Sherry hates me – when he is the one who has told me things she and Matt have said about me and has even shown me the emails that she wrote complaining about me being in her house. I feel I have a right to be upset about this… but Eric is mad at me – not at Sherry. I told him before I would love it if they would reach out to me… I would love to be friends… but the ball is in there court since I have tried to reach out to them and was rejected. What more can I do? They choose to judge me on the basis of mistakes I have made and by ignoring any good deeds. I am hurt and angry. I need comforted. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need Eric to understand why I am so hurt and angry. Many of our fights are a direct result of they way his family treats me. My family is not perfect- but they love Eric and they accept him. Yes, they get mad at him – and they get mad at me as well. But just like we do with out children.. people make mistakes but you work through it and love them anyway. You don’t throw away your child because they make a mistake. Eric’s family never gave me a chance since the very beginning. Now Eric has thrown me away as well. This isn’t the kind of relationship I’ve been searching for. I know I am busy with school. I am doing the best I can. I feel so much pressure to succeed – and I can never do good enough. I feel like Eric is constantly judging me… His family has always been constantly judging me – just waiting to pounce on the tiniest mistakes I make so that they can say, “I told you so.. I told you she is a bad person!”. I am terrified of failing.. And I don’t even have any support from anyone. Everyone who I thought was my fiends - isn’t. I feel constant rejection. I have always been rejected… I was never good enough for anyone. I feel like I have to succeed to be accepted by people. Maybe if I have a degree and a great career – and make a lot of money – somebody will tell me “Good job!” or that they are proud of me. Is being with someone who loves me and who is a supporting friend too much to ask for in life? What do I have to do to find this person? I can’t be myself around Eric. He just seems so hateful and resentful towards me. He makes these comments about how I don’t talk to my children right or how I can’t do this or that. I am too strict with my children.. Now I’m not strict enough.. I talk like a kid to my kids… I don’t know what to think, say or do. I just want to be myself. Eric seems to be himself and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. He isn’t always the perfect picture of maturity with the kids, either… but I guess it is okay when he does it? I always feel self-conscious about every little thing. Like, “Oh no! Eric is home and I’m still doing my homework!” or “Oh no! The house isn’t clean yet!” or “Oh no! I feel tired!” I have tried to be supportive of him. I was so angry the night he had his last drinking episode. But I knew I had to try to be supportive. I got information on AA and asked him what I could do to help him. I didn’t want to pressure him. I thought I made it clear that he could let me know what it is he needs from me. I don’t know what to do to help him. I feel so helpless. I don’t know what to say to him. I have asked him how he has been feeling. I don’t want to force him to talk. He has been acting so distant from me. I need to be able to talk to Eric about anything. I need him to be the one person in this world that I can count on. When Sue quit talking to me – I was very upset. I came home from work and I cried. There was no acknowledgement from Eric. I really needed a friend and Eric didn’t even notice. I cry and hurt and he is not there for me. I was excited about getting married. I started getting information on different weddings and Eric got mad at me. He bitched that I went and started making all these plans right away. Apparently – I was the only one who was excited about it. I was so hurt that he made that comment – like how dare I start making plans. I don’t know how to read the signals. Maybe Jimmy is right – maybe Eric has just lost interest in me and he is trying to find a way out.

 

[kazman32]

Searching_4_My_Soul-Mate


I'm sorry you have all that going on...that is alot to deal with..I truly hope things get better..

 

[Searching_4_My_Soul-Mate]

Thank you, kazman... but holy cow! Were you able to read all of that? It was an awfully long post! To be honest - that is the short version of the 40 page version that I've been writing for the last year.

 

[kazman32]

Thank you, kazman...  but holy cow!  Were you able to read all of that?  It was an awfully long post!  To be honest - that is the short version of the 40 page version that I've been writing for the last year.

I have always been a fast reader....and I truly am sorry...

 

[Searching_4_My_Soul-Mate]

Dear friend..

I feel so crappy. The way I'm treated makes me question whether or not I am the one who is wrong. The funny thing is how Eric used to ***** about Matt and Sherry - now he defends them and puts me down. When we were arguing about them - he asked me where I was getting these ideas that Matt and Sherry hate me. I get the ideas from what Eric tells me. He has even shown me emails that were sent to him by Matt and Sherry.

I don't have my engagement ring anymore. I gave it back because it means nothing to me if he doesn't plan on marrying me - or if he doesn't love me. To be honest - I couldn't marry him anyway because of the way his family despises me. We quit sleeping together and he doesn't kiss me goodbye or say "I love you" anymore. I tried to kiss him goodbye when I went to work this past weekend and he turned his head away from me. Even though I apologized - he told me I said some really mean things and he is hurt. I didn't say anything that wasn't true. Yes - it is true that my family has always been there for the kids and his family has not acknowledged them. Yes - it is true that they invite Eric and not me... Yes - it is true that Eric was secretly emailing letters to his cousin - telling her what he wanted to do to her sexually. Yes - Eric did have "drunken episodes" where I had to leave the kids home alone at 11 at night because he was too drunk and incoherent to make it home to take care of his responsibilities. I am hurt. His family started this with me - not the other way around. Yet I am the one being punished. What am I suppose to do? I learned to keep my mouth shut when he was doing the bar thing because apparently I was wrong to be upset when he would come home trashed or not come home at all. Am I suppose to sit back and say nice things about his family who constantly tell him he should leave me? This is the family who blames me for everything wrong in Eric's life. It ******* hurts and I can't take it anymore. I never got over it because it hasn't gone away. Till this day - his family is still treating me like honeysuckle. It isn't like they treated me like honeysuckle in the beginning - but now we are all friends because they have gotten to know me. No. It's not like that at all. They all still hate me.

I had reservation to spend the night at Oglebey the last Friday of April - and he isn't going with me now.. He told me to give the room to my brother and Sandee because he doesn't want to go anywhere with me. We hardly ever have sex anymore.. and when we do - it is as if we are just going through the motions. He used to love to kiss me.. He used to love me.. Now he is hateful and spiteful towards me. I just landed an internship as a software engineer - and all I got from him was a "Congratulations, I'm happy for you." There is no dinner - no taking me out to celebrate. No nothing. Just a few words as he was laying on the couch watching TV.

I am having some serious rejection issues - not just with Eric - but friends as well. I'm sure you can relate because of the Tanya thing. Here it is... How many friends I have had that just quit speaking to me with no explanation.. no nothing.. Not even returning my several phone calls or emails. These are people that I have known for 10 years - and I have always been there for them. But now that I am in desperate need - where are they? I used to be really close to Stephen - the guy I worked with at Preferred Drapery and Blinds. He just quit being friends with me. He had an argument and that was the end of our friendship. I even tried to reach out to him and asked his why but all he said was that he liked it better this way. Then there is Dave - the friend I made while working at Lazy Boy. How many times I had been there for him... How many times he was not for me. He would call me - and then he would make up with his girlfriend and disappear from my life for months at a time. Then he would get in a fight with his girlfriend... all of a sudden I was important to him again. So - like any true friend - I was forgiving and was there for him. Well, this time he quit talking to me for good - with no explanation. Like I said - he wouldn't even return phone calls or emails. Any true friend deserves an explanation, don't you think? I just went through the same thing with Sue. For two years - I spoke to her everyday. She was part of my family. We were always together. She was here for the holidays. Everything was great. And then after the New Year - she suddenly stopped speaking to me. I didn't even realize there was a problem. I thought maybe she was just having one of her crisis where she just didn't want to be bothered.. Then I find out that she is mad at me and was telling people that she is done with me. I would never purposely hurt anyone. If I had done something wrong - I would hope a true friend would tell me what I did. Yell at me - tell me I’m a ***** - something! But no - she just stopped talking to me for over 2 months. She speaks to me now - but it isn't like it was. It is more out of courteousy than friendship. Remember - I also have two ex-husbands who stopped loving me. And now there is Eric... And let's not mention his family.. So - all these people can't all be wrong - right? Am I really a bad person - or just misunderstood? I just can't believe that these people all shut me out of their lives when I haven't even done anything. Even with Eric - I am not perfect but I have never cheated on him. I don't go out.. I take care of the kids, work and go to school. He has done worse things to me than I have ever done to him.. But I don't care about that because it isn't about who does what.. What matters to me is that people are not judgmental and understand that there are two sides of a story. If Eric and I are trying to work things out - then support us. Don't deliberately make things worse for us. We have two children together - and Richelle and Deanna consider him a dad. I ******* love him - more than I have ever loved anyone before. I really don't feel I can live without him... Any success I have in life will mean nothing to me without Eric. How can I make him see this?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so selfish - talking about myself and my problems when you are suffering as well. I think that this is why people are pushed away from me. I hear that is is always about me. I do listen to others as well. I do try to help others. What am I suppose to do? Am I suppose to keep putting this "everything in life is great" act on forever? Am I to live a private hell? I am so depressed right now that I can't even concentrate on anything. School is really sucking this semester. I am lonely as hell. I feel rejected. Eric is living his life and it doesn't include me. I wanted so bad for us to have a life together - but his plans to not include me. He is doing his thing without me.

 

[kazman32]

I know how it feels to love someone with all your heart and soul, and have them just walk away....it hurts and it dosn't go away easily especially after you have invested time in the relationship..(in my case 7 years)

 

[Searching_4_My_Soul-Mate]

I know how it feels to love someone with all your heart and soul, and have them just walk away....it hurts and it dosn't go away easily especially after you have invested time in the relationship..(in my case 7 years)

Seven must be the magic number. I am in year 7 of my relationship. My friend is having problems in her relationship as well. She is in year 7 of her marriage.

 

[kazman32]

I have read around 7 years is a trying time for relationships...I guess it's true...at least I have learned something through all this heartache...

 

[mike3486]

View attachment 5Dear Life,  Why do you hurt?  

 

[kiki]

Hmm...

Dear Life

Why the fresia couldn't you have been better?

 

[Searching_4_My_Soul-Mate]

Dear Life..
What is our purpose? Why are you so cruel?

 

[mimizu]

kiki's message made me laugh.

 

[Guest]

Thank you, kazman...  but holy cow!  Were you able to read all of that?  It was an awfully long post!  To be honest - that is the short version of the 40 page version that I've been writing for the last year.

Is Madelyn, Eric's cousin?

 

[Searching_4_My_Soul-Mate]

Is Madelyn, Eric's cousin?
[/quote]

Yes she is his cousin. Sick, isn't it? I was quite surprised. I was even more surprised when she made the comment that I wasn't too stable. Funny.. She doesn't know a thing about me.... The only unstable thing about me is that I fly off the handle when angry. I can say some pretty hurtful things when angry. At least I'm not talking about having sex with relatives. And I've seen Eric put a gun in his mouth and threaten to kill himself. Yet I'm the one that is unstable? Am I missing something here?

 

[kiki]

kiki's message made me laugh.

Glad someone is laughing

 

[Someone]

Dear Self,

Isn't it about time you tried to do something for yourself? You just sit back and watch the years slip by without changing a thing. You can feel sorry for yourself all you want, but it doesn't change anything. Feeling sorry for yourself has gotten to be a crutch and it's not doing any good. You can hide behind your walls all you want but then you won't be in any better situation. You will just have continued reason to feel sorry for yourself. You know what you have to do to feel better. You just have to get up off your lazy ass and do it. You have no one else to blame for the state of your life but yourself. If you don't like yourself it's your own fault. Stop avoiding everything and do something now!

 

[Guest]

Dear Friends, where did you all go? Why don't I have you anymore? Was it me or was it you? It seems like you all found something or someone better. I don't understand, am I not a worthy friend? I always thought i was giving everything I had. Maybe, what I have is not enough. I would of gladly stepped in front of traffic to save any one of you.I still would, but none of you are here to save. I fear the worst for many of you. We all grow up at different rates. Now i find that the only people who are looking for a friendship with me, want something in return. Is that part of growing up? maybe that's how it always was. In my mind there was a day where johnny just-a-friend, was honestly cool with being just a friend. I miss you all. I don't like having the sensation that my friend is going to try to hook up with me. I just want what i thought i used to have.

 

[Guest]

Gizzi,
      honeysuckle, I'm sorry. I'm 100% w/o a doubt sorry for what I put you through. There is really no excuse for my actions. You deserve the truth, but i will always be too chicken honeysuckle to give it to you, no matter how old I get. And I'm sorry for that too. It's been years, and I'm in love now. He knows nothing about what I did then, and again I'm sorry, but neither do you. Yes when I left, you had an idea of what i was up to, but in reality, you had no clue. Speed is a bad drug Gizzi, and you knew that. I'm sorry, it took me a while. For some reason, as soon as I left you, i got clean. I think it was because I felt so guilty. Living with guilt is like having a tumor. I'm going to come out and say it now, the answer to the only question you asked: Yes, I cheated on you. I regret it and I hate myself for it. We weren't going to last much longer, but I shouldn't have done that. My love for you died when I found out you lied about something so important....so life altering. I unknowingly wrote a page in your book. You will forever remember me as your first. I never wanted that. I'm sorry, I hope your life is everything you dreamed, and I hope you can live that life without ever crossing my path again. Good Luck Gizzi, I Loved You.
~Leo