v,
It's not been long since we went our own separate ways. We had a long and great relationship, though the long-distance was always a major factor for turbulence. I have always loved you and yet you say that you need to move on. Nothing's changed for you, but I feel like I have lost everything in the process.
When I finally decided to move away from my home, my family, and my friends to be with you, I thought perhaps I could finally find peace and we could figure things out... together. Alas, it was not meant to be, for I knew you had no intention of making any sacrifice - of giving me a single inch. I made myself open to working towards building a life with you, but you pulled away as soon as you got the sense that I knew I couldn't stay there.
Back when I moved out West, you would call me and tell me that you felt like you gave everything and it was I, who had to prove that I loved you somehow. I took those words to heart (and still do) and found myself trying even harder to show you just how much I love you (and still do). I do fault you for never once coming to visit me, though I could never tell you that, for fear of the argument that would transpire. You made me regret my choice to travel and try new things before settling down, so I guess you'll forever win the argument.
Anyways, I do thank you for not leaving me in that strange place - for staying with me through the year so I could finish up school. At least that was civil of you. But you knew that the only reason I had to leave was that my family needed me. I would have stayed. Perhaps I should have stayed, but I lost my only brother and my family has collapsed. I had never before seen my father cry and the look of terror and tears in his eyes told me that the world was no longer going to be the same. My mother still cries and it's all I could do to not let them face their pain alone. Your family is intact and happy and I pray that you never have to experience suffering. But then in my darkest or perhaps most rational times, I wish that you could just get a sense of what real suffering is, so that you can know how intensely it can change your life. It was not for lack of commitment to you that I chose to leave, but for reasons that I can't expect you to understand.
When we embraced and said goodbye, our eyes full of tears, our hearts overwhelmed with the compounding anxiety of separation that had been building up for so long, we promised to stay in touch (though neither of us knew what that meant). You then turned and left and went to work. You left me there in our empty apartment and I just cried, filled with uncertainty about what I would do next. I knew I had to go home, but I had little to go home to but a devastated family. But as you were so good to move on and go to work, so too have you found a way to move on without skipping a beat. You lost nothing but me and looking at your success in this short time, I wonder if I ever mattered, or if I didn't have a negative effect.
So, I must try to move on myself, starting with writing you a letter that you'll never read. You want to move on, and you have proven that our relationship was easy for you to dissolve, although for so long I tried to ignore that fact. It's true - maybe not good or bad, but true. And I will never tell you that I think you are controlled by others or that I gave you the courage to stand up for yourself only to see it used against me (though not your ******* of a father). I will never tell you that yes, you are selfish for having asked me to give up everything and be with you, or that your selfishness makes you just like him. I will never again tell you that I love you and miss you though it is here in my heart, for you need to move on. I am good for you, but you are not right for me. I know that you will never find anyone that can treat you with the respect and admiration that I showed you. You'll never find anyone who can empower you to use your great potential or accept your inhibitions as part of who you are. Your friends are poison and I fear they will bring you down. These are the things you'll never hear me say.
I wish you success, but I can see these things manifesting in your life - perhaps in the near future, and I will not be there at all. You may call, but I will pray for the strength to not answer.
Goodbye,
