life decisions..

[emlazee]

hi everyone my name is emla and im 22 years old and my life is a mess hahah and i dont really talk that much about my problems with the people in my life so i decided to just ask strangers and see if they could offer any advice. i recently graduated from uni with an undergrad degree in biomedical science and i went into it because i have always been interested in the medical aspect of things. in my first year, everyone was trying out for med so since i got into the degree i wanted, i decided why not and wanted to try for med as well. It didn't go according to plan because it turns out i wasnt made for handling that much stress and i just hated my university experience overall and decided not to pursue further study. I hated how stressed out i was and i hated that everyone was better at the work than me and just i was not cut out for uni. After 5 years of studying in total, i felt completely drained to even do grad school like i had and my parents had planned for me and i just lost interest. It would have been impossible for me to do postgraduate study or a masters without me being completely dedicated to the work. so after graduating i started looking for jobs because i couldn't just sleep all day and sit at home and i did find one. i'm currently working as a lab assistant (its a temp position) at a food quality assurance lab but oh my lord i hate the job so much. its such hard work for such low pay and such long hours and i had absolutely no interest in the food science field (no offense to anyone reading this who is passionate about it!! go you!!) it but here i am working at a food testing lab. the work is repetitive and boring but it keeps me busy at least. so anyway.. 2 years ago i got into video editing..i became obsessed with tv shows and started making fan videos and absolutely loved it..and yes i am one of those fangirls you see on tumblr lol it was my own little thing and i would go into that world and i could just spend hours and hours doing something when i was inspired..and somehow my sister discovered these videos and thought i was decent enough and bought me my first camcorder and told me why not do something in film??? and to just start making my own stuff which i am yet to do because i have no life outside of work and no time!! anyways, that lead me into being absolutely invested in film and everything about it and i read books on cinematography and such during my breaks at work..video editing is how i express myself..iv always been more into art than the rest of my family who are much smarter than me they are all engineers or accountants or teachers..but i don't consider myself very smart haha but yes, editing just helps me escape at times, the horrible reality and its like heaven..

but here is the problem...

1. i tend to get very obsessed with things and then lose interest after about 3 or 4 months so im afraid the same thing will happen to this although video editing has been going on for 2 years now so.. im not sure
2. i have such low self esteem and im just constantly in the mindset of not being able to do anything and not being good enough and i get discouraged VERY easily..if i see something about film like the requirements i get intimidated im like oh no thats going to be too hard for me i cant do this and i panic and it makes me wonder if i really want this but when im stuck at my job all i think about it getting out and doing film
3. getting into film would be even harder than getting good jobs in biomedical science even with further education under your belt so thats also very discouraging

i just honestly dont know what to do.. i am currently looking into a certificate course in film which lasts for about 16 weeks but i honestly dont know maybe it would be a waste of time and it'll get me nowhere?? and jobless again because i would have to quit this job..

not too sure if this is obvious from my post but i do have anxiety..i can go out and do things and stuff but i do suffer from it..especially social anxiety..but yeah. general anxiety..i have always been very down since uni as well..just overall generally i'm not sure if i can say depressed although i did go through a stage of severe depression and an eating disorder during my time at uni..but yeah sometimes i feel like everything is useless and there is not point in me pursuing anything..

i'm sorry for the long post!! if you read it all, thank you if you fell asleep half way through, i apologise!

any advice or stories from personal experiences are absolutely welcome.

thank you!!

ps- sorry for the lazy spelling and general grammar mistakes and for the run on sentences!! hope it's not too hard to read

 

[ABrokenMan]

I think you should go for that certificate.
Take it from me - if you do not follow through on something that interests you when / while you have the opportunity to do so, you will regret it for a long, long time. I'm almost 30 years older than you, emlazee, and I wish I had tried to become a vet, or at least a vet tech at your age.
instead, I opted to follow my other passion: broadcasting. The media field is very difficult to break into - even back then. Tons of competition for available positions. I loved the jobs I got in those days, but the pay was minimal / very low, and once the laws were changed to allow deregulation, jobs were cut. i saw people getting layoff notices daily when I was employed at a Top 40 radio station. I had to have a second job to be able to make ends meet.