Lonely and unable to make lasting connections

[halfemptyheart26]

So over the past year or so I have lost all of my friends (both close relationships, and not-as-close acquantiances), and I am at a loss romantically. I feel like I'm really unable to sustain connections with anyone, and I don't know why.

I'm posting here because I feel like there are other people who visit this forum who feel the same, and I'm looking for a community of people who can give me advice on how to cope, or just some company while I'm dealing with this.

My own way of coping has been to try to find a means to move somewhere (geographically) or to change the direction of my life. I've also kind of taken myself on as a project -- I've been seeing a therapist the past two months, I'm embarking on weight loss, and I've started to volunteer in the community, as well as join a new church and new yoga class. Still, I feel isolated, and I end up spending my days off reading alone, or going to movies on my own. As much as I try to be social, its pretty much unsuccessful.

I'm sad and exasperated... anyone know what I'm talking about?

 

[LGH1288]

(Respectfully snipped):

"I feel like I'm really unable to sustain connections with anyone..."

Hi there! I face a similar issue. In my case I'm the one who (for a variety of reasons) chooses to discontinue the relationship. How's it with you? LG

 

[halfemptyheart26]

It's a mixture. In some of the more painful cases (like with my then-best friend), they decided to end the friendship, and didn't really offer a reason. There was also no kind of conflict to precipitate the break between us, so it was even more confusing.

In some other cases, I decided to end the friendship/relationship because it just wasnt that great for me; most of these were connections with guys in my life that were basically tools. And, some friendships just died of atrophy; neither one of us ever made any effort.

I've kind of come to the conclusion that since I'm the common thread in all these failures that the problems lies somewhere within me... but I really don't know WHAT is wrong with me.

What makes you want to discontinue the relationships? is it just romantic relationships, or friendships too?

 

[LGH1288]

What makes you want to discontinue the relationships?

With friendships it's because I'd provide far more than I'd receive (a total lack of balance) and with family it has been due serious toxic issues (such as corrupted trust). The losses were painful and devastating. LG:-(

 

[halfemptyheart26]

I bet, esp with family. I've been struggling with feelings of loss lately too.. and even just admitting to myself that i m hurt and lonely. Its almost like I resent my desire to have others in my life.

 

[LGH1288]

I bet, esp with family. I've been struggling with feelings of loss lately too.. and even just admitting to myself that i m hurt and lonely. Its almost like I resent my desire to have others in my life.

Yeppers, the family issue really stung hard. It was messed up enough that they lied, cheated and stole $7500 bucks from me but what really hurt was that I lost my family...that was a real slap in the face, and it will take a long time for me to recover from the betrayal, pain and anger. ITA with you that the sense of loss is the most difficult part. But, we shouldn't allow disappointments to hijack our desire to have others in our lives! LG

 

[Brian]

I've also kind of taken myself on as a project -- I've been seeing a therapist the past two months, I'm embarking on weight loss, and I've started to volunteer in the community, as well as join a new church and new yoga class. Still, I feel isolated, and I end up spending my days off reading alone, or going to movies on my own. As much as I try to be social, its pretty much unsuccessful.

I'm sad and exasperated... anyone know what I'm talking about? [/size][/font]

You know what? People have surprising success when we make ourselves our own project. I speak from experience.

It sounds like you're working significantly toward self improvement and you've given yourself some social opportunities. Keep trying to capitalize on them; it took me a year to actually get any results going, and a little more than two to acknowledge a genuine change of course in my life.


It's kind of like economics. What we do today, we see the effects of 2-5 years down the road; not when we wake up the next morning.

 

[halfemptyheart26]

Yeah.. I mean that's the idea. I'm just finding it hard to cope with being lonely in this time where I'm still developing myself and a new social life. I know that true change takes time, though

 

[ShyGhy]

Its almost like I resent my desire to have others in my life.

I thought that I was either going to vomit or burst into tears when I read this line. It's EXACTLY how I feel.

I've always been a loner, and have always prided myself on not needing others. However, the older I get, the more the opposite becomes true: I find myself needing people and really hating being alone. And I resent it.

 

[iris]

I'm slowly loosing all my connections too. I should die of apathy, I don't know what's happening to me. My two closest friends have left the country to work abroad and now we barely speak. If I didn't have my family I don't know what I would do.

 

[halfemptyheart26]

I'm slowly loosing all my connections too. I should die of apathy, I don't know what's happening to me. My two closest friends have left the country to work abroad and now we barely speak. If I didn't have my family I don't know what I would do.

I know what you mean.. it's hard to feel like you're drifting away from the people closest to you.

When I started losing friends, I felt like there was something wrong with me. As dramatic as it sounds, I felt like my world was coming to an end, and I was at a dead end road.

Then I realized that... it was an opportunity for me to create a new life. Instead of being stuck, alone, in the life I used to have, I created a new life around me, with new interests. I went places I'd been afraid to go to, I tried new things, and I took ownership of myself. I tried to frame it as 'I am independent' instead of 'I am alone.' It felt silly at first, but now I've really become that -- I've become more emotionally independent, and it feels good. I still have moments like this post... but they are fewer and further between.

I'm really sorry that your friends are far away. I'm not exactly suggest you replace them -- but maybe branching out is just the new and exciting thing that their absence made room for.

 

[iris]

Thanks for your empathy, halfempty.

I, on the other hand, used to be an independent person and I took everything I had for granted - my friends included. I just had people around me. Now I'm almost completely alone and stuck. Sure, my situation could be interpreted as total freedom, but the apathy and the lack of lust for life that I feel say I'm not OK. I don't even know where to start looking for a new life and new friends.

 

[stuff4096]

iris, I am sorry to hear that you have lost friends. I too feel that way (well lost in general). Ironically, I predicted earlier this year that within the next couple years I would lose everything. Now my premonition is starting to come true. Like you, I feel apathy and the lack of lust for life. In my case, I describe it as being dead on the inside, waiting for the outside to catch up. Being independent is not the same as being alone. The one thing people keep telling me is that I need to put myself out there and that things will get better. I am still trying to figure out how and convince myself that I believe it. I wish I could share with you the answer for how to overcome this situation. All I can offer you is my ear if you feel the need to talk. Good luck to you

 

[iris]

It's not the time for negative predictions, stuff, it's Christmas after all! I'm sure there are things in your life you can still enjoy. Me, I got used to loneliness and I don't have many expectations for the future tbh...

 

[jjam]

And, some friendships just died of atrophy; neither one of us ever made any effort.

I'm kind of going through that right now with someone. Frankly, it feels like a tragedy in the making. Here you have two people who were/are fond of each other, and nothing "wrong" seems to have happened. There just seems to be zero chemistry for a relationship of even the "true friendship" caliber. Weeks ago, my thoughts were "what are we going to talk about next time" or "what's our upcoming date going to be like". Over the past week or two, it has been "no rush to go on the date" to "do I even want to bother calling her anymore? do I have the emotional energy to spare?" I absolutely hate that I feel this way about someone I am fond of. I have absolutely NOTHING against her. In fact, I have good, positive thoughts about her as a person. But I do sense that she is also not interested in me. That feeling has no doubt constituted the deterioration in my desire to work towards heightening our relationship. Maybe she believes I am not interested in her. Heh. Maybe THIS is the "wrong" that has happened. Golly m*********** moses!

sigh

 

[triilsk]

Its almost like I resent my desire to have others in my life.

Please don´t ever blame yourself for failing with people. It´s not your fault. Sometimes people change so drastically, they become incompatable.

Anyway, props for making changes in your own life...I definately like the project idea! Good luck!

 

[Liberator3]

I have just joined this site and did not realise that there were so many people thinking the same as what I have done for years. I was reading above people have had therapy or can no longer make connections.

I am the same I went through years of drinking and seeing different partners. I started breaking down and having panic attacks. it was at such a point I was walking around totally in another world. So I had to see someone. I saw a specialist a few times explaining life experiences and it was good to get this off my chest. It really helped. Now I feel a lot better, a lot clearer in my own head but still some work to do on meeting people and chatting. I also find this difficult, I have done for years which is where the drinking started. If I drunk more I could dance and laugh then when that went away I was back to depressive. This year things are looking up, I study, work and have met a couple of people. I wish you all the best and I think I will be coming on here more often.

 

[Canbenice]

Hi,
You sound like me. I have so much trouble keeping relationships with people. I either end them or sabotage them in some way so an ending is inevitable. Sad. I stoped talking to all my old friends awhile ago and had to start from scratch. I kinda made some friends at a new job I have and I have been trying to make more friends. Um, as for relationships with men, sadly, that is not happening.
I have a lot of trust issues and I'm sensitive so that causes many problems with people. Plus I have these standards for manners and respectfulness that I hold people to and they usually fail...so then I have problems with them. Like even now, my closest friend at work and I are having our first argument/issue and I'm not sure how things will turn out. Ugh.
Anyways, it sounds like you're going in the right direction by focusing on yourself. I went to a psychiatrist and did counseling and that helped me a great deal. I'm still having issues, but focusing on these issues and making them a priority has helped. I have been getting myself out there more to try to make friends and am slowly making some progress. Though you feel alone you should try to get out there in the public. Read in the Starbucks or chat someone up in your Yoga class. Did you express your feelings of loneliness to the therapist? Maybe they can shed some light or help you to realize what is causing it.
But you seem to be really trying and I hope you start to feel better soon. I know how you feel though.