almosthitbottom
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- Dec 29, 2015
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Hi all....this is my first ever post to this forum, and there is a lot of background here so please forgive me if this post does get long-winded.
I am in my 40s and have had terrible experiences with relationships, much like many of you. Like others on this board, I was bullied throughout most of my school years and never had a girlfriend in high school. I had girls hit on me, strangely enough, in what might be called middle school but I did not pick up on it and was too shy to respond to them. I was painfully shy through my 20s and went through a 10-year period - yes, that's right - where I did not date any girl, not once. The reasons for this were many; I was painfully shy/bashful (as some called it); I had no self-confidence; I was living in small towns for a few years where the population was considerably older; and even when I was in college (I did not go until I was 24), all the girls I met (and I did meet many) were ALL in relationships with boyfriends or married. In my college years people suspected I was gay (at my nursing graduation dinner/dance, I spent the occasion chatting with a classmate's boyfriend who was a firefighter - I was an EMT at that time and we were swapping war stories; he later asked me if I was gay as I had not come with a date, and after 2 rejections from single classmates I did not ask anyone else to dance). Even after I finished nursing school & started working I did not meet anyone who was interested in me. Most of them did not even talk to me except on a professional basis which of course is necessary. As a result I threw myself into my work - as both an EMT and RN - and ignored my social life for a few years. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I began trying to date seriously and even that resulted in a number of failed attempts at something long-term. When I was 34 I moved away from British Columbia for work reasons and was introduced by a co-worker to the woman I am now married to. Sounds like a happily-ever-after story? Wrong!
Which brings me to the original point. I am in a marriage that feels very lonely, because my wife does not want to do much in the way of fun things with me. She cares more about her elderly parents, particularly her father, who is 92 & lives in his own home so she & her mother can use his $ to help look after her bankrupt, divorced brother and his 2 boys (her dad has given his permission to use his $). She has bought her brother a house so he will not be homeless and refuses to get a home with me (we live with her mother, at her insistence), unless I were to pay all the bills & look after the property myself (she said she would be too busy looking after her father & mother to help me). My wife will not have date nights with me, go to a nice restaurant, or even the movies - she actually has said that would be 'mean' to her mother. Complicating this whole thing is the fact there is her 12 yr old daughter in the picture (the biological father lives in Calif., and is not in contact) and I have treated this child as my own. When my wife & I are out together all we do is go shopping, mostly for her but very often for her father. If I want to do something such as taking her ice skating or to a movie, she always blows me off and says she 'doesn't have time because [she] has so much to do', almost ALL of which revolves around her family, and I am expected to help them too. My wife does not approve of my working out or my involvement in sports (she knew about this when we got married); she seems to feel it takes away time from her family. Even though I am married to her I don't feel connected anymore; it's like I am expected to be married to her family. She complains that I am in my 'own little world', but resents it if I point out that that is preferable to being around her mother and father on a daily basis (they are both bitter, unpleasant, self-righteous people). I didn't marry for this. I feel almost as horrible as I did when I was single & wanting to connect with a woman. Now I wonder if this is the life I am stuck with.
I know that this is somewhat different than a lot of the threads on this board, because I am married and the overwhelming majority of you have been unsuccessful in meeting women (or men) to have a relationship with. But, as I have found out, a relationship - even a marriage - does not guarantee an escape from loneliness. It feels like my wife is cheating on me but not with another man. Instead, it's with her birth family.
I am in my 40s and have had terrible experiences with relationships, much like many of you. Like others on this board, I was bullied throughout most of my school years and never had a girlfriend in high school. I had girls hit on me, strangely enough, in what might be called middle school but I did not pick up on it and was too shy to respond to them. I was painfully shy through my 20s and went through a 10-year period - yes, that's right - where I did not date any girl, not once. The reasons for this were many; I was painfully shy/bashful (as some called it); I had no self-confidence; I was living in small towns for a few years where the population was considerably older; and even when I was in college (I did not go until I was 24), all the girls I met (and I did meet many) were ALL in relationships with boyfriends or married. In my college years people suspected I was gay (at my nursing graduation dinner/dance, I spent the occasion chatting with a classmate's boyfriend who was a firefighter - I was an EMT at that time and we were swapping war stories; he later asked me if I was gay as I had not come with a date, and after 2 rejections from single classmates I did not ask anyone else to dance). Even after I finished nursing school & started working I did not meet anyone who was interested in me. Most of them did not even talk to me except on a professional basis which of course is necessary. As a result I threw myself into my work - as both an EMT and RN - and ignored my social life for a few years. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I began trying to date seriously and even that resulted in a number of failed attempts at something long-term. When I was 34 I moved away from British Columbia for work reasons and was introduced by a co-worker to the woman I am now married to. Sounds like a happily-ever-after story? Wrong!
Which brings me to the original point. I am in a marriage that feels very lonely, because my wife does not want to do much in the way of fun things with me. She cares more about her elderly parents, particularly her father, who is 92 & lives in his own home so she & her mother can use his $ to help look after her bankrupt, divorced brother and his 2 boys (her dad has given his permission to use his $). She has bought her brother a house so he will not be homeless and refuses to get a home with me (we live with her mother, at her insistence), unless I were to pay all the bills & look after the property myself (she said she would be too busy looking after her father & mother to help me). My wife will not have date nights with me, go to a nice restaurant, or even the movies - she actually has said that would be 'mean' to her mother. Complicating this whole thing is the fact there is her 12 yr old daughter in the picture (the biological father lives in Calif., and is not in contact) and I have treated this child as my own. When my wife & I are out together all we do is go shopping, mostly for her but very often for her father. If I want to do something such as taking her ice skating or to a movie, she always blows me off and says she 'doesn't have time because [she] has so much to do', almost ALL of which revolves around her family, and I am expected to help them too. My wife does not approve of my working out or my involvement in sports (she knew about this when we got married); she seems to feel it takes away time from her family. Even though I am married to her I don't feel connected anymore; it's like I am expected to be married to her family. She complains that I am in my 'own little world', but resents it if I point out that that is preferable to being around her mother and father on a daily basis (they are both bitter, unpleasant, self-righteous people). I didn't marry for this. I feel almost as horrible as I did when I was single & wanting to connect with a woman. Now I wonder if this is the life I am stuck with.
I know that this is somewhat different than a lot of the threads on this board, because I am married and the overwhelming majority of you have been unsuccessful in meeting women (or men) to have a relationship with. But, as I have found out, a relationship - even a marriage - does not guarantee an escape from loneliness. It feels like my wife is cheating on me but not with another man. Instead, it's with her birth family.